Lawyer

[Arris]

My wife served me papers, and I had 14 days to respond to the affidavit.

Time is almost up. (financial and custody report, and temporary orders while we're in the divorce proceedings)

 

 

She had her lawyer on retainer, and became upset when she found out I had my own.

However, I paid the retainer but did not sign the contract.

They just sent me a contract by email to sign today, paid on Friday.

Can I cancel and just pay whatever service he already performed?

Should I finish with the affidavit response first?

 

 

I don't want my lawyer getting sour with me incase something happens and I need him, but with 3 kids, we can't really afford this too easily.

$5000 retainer, $250/hour

 

 

We agreed to joint custody, no child support, only on the phone.

On her affidavit, it stated she wants full custody and child support. She said the lawyer did it and she didn't see it.

 

 

She is willing to do spousal support for me until I get back on my feet or through school.

She makes about 60k +/year and offered about $500. I looked up Ohio and it seems the norm is $800.

Either way, will be tough to go through school jobless.

 

 

She is also hiding an under the table job, which may add another 10-20k to her overall.

I do not want to get her in trouble for that. I don't care about her second job in the least though, it's was a source of tension between us.

 

 

She did move out about 7 months ago, and is normally a very honest person. However, I make no delusions she is trying to be fair, but still protecting herself.

 

 

I have a longer story I was going to share later, but for now, I need advice on how to handle this please. I don't feel good about any of it.

[FMW]

Divorce isn't something to be cheap about, especially with children involved.

 

Economize in other areas, not this one. Sign the contract.

[preraph]

You need to tell your attorney what is going on and ask him what he advises. My opinion you both need your own attorney. it would be one thing if neither one of you had an attorney and agreed to everything in writing before a mediator or something but I doubt you two will agree on everything.

[vla1120]

Move forward with your lawyer. She might be an honest person, but she is looking out for her interests - hence claiming she didn't know her lawyer asked for full custody and child support. So, whether she really did know, or whether she has a maverick for a lawyer - either way you need representation.

[FMW]

Divorce isn't something to be cheap about, especially with children involved.

 

Economize in other areas, not this one. Sign the contract.

 

Just to be clear - I'm saying sign the contract for your attorney to represent you.

[BaileyB]

We agreed to joint custody, no child support, only on the phone.

On her affidavit, it stated she wants full custody and child support. She said the lawyer did it and she didn't see it.

 

Sure. I believe that her lawyer did that and she just didn't see it...

 

She has already proven to be deceptive about her income.

 

I agree with findingmyway. You need a lawyer and it's not going to be cheap. It could in fact be the best money you have ever spent...

[Arris]

Ok, thanks for the replies. I was thinking the same thing, go in and discuss exactly what's going on, even though I'm sure my lawyer will be looking out for his best interest the same as my wife.

 

It's just, I don't think I can ask for much more than what she offered.

The risk of somehow losing custody is gone, same with CS.

 

 

I did just recall though, when I pressed about why they would ask for child support, she mentioned it was to offset any spousal support. Seriously though, it's just not her to be dishonest, but at the same time, the person I knew wouldn't be filing for divorce either. We been married for 19 years and been together since 1989.

 

 

I definitely better tell my attorney what's going on.

[Mr. Lucky]

Seriously though, it's just not her to be dishonest, but at the same time, the person I knew wouldn't be filing for divorce either. We been married for 19 years and been together since 1989.

 

She is willing to do spousal support for me until I get back on my feet or through school.

She makes about 60k +/year and offered about $500. I looked up Ohio and it seems the norm is $800.

Either way, will be tough to go through school jobless.

 

Are these two things related ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

I'm sure my lawyer will be looking out for his best interest the same as my wife.

Actually a lawyer's primary responsibility is to his client and it's his legal duty to act in his client's best interests. That includes keeping his own fees to a minimum: by not doing unnecessary work, and not giving advice purely to feather his own nest. If he does that he risks being struck off which would be the end of his career.

 

Of course "best interest of the client" can be subjective and some unscrupulous lawyers may bend the definition. But if your lawyer is like that then you should get a new one anyway.

 

Think of a lawyer's fees like insurance. Sure if everything goes according to plan, you could probably have done without it and saved the cash. But if things go wrong you'll WISH you hadn't skimped!!!

[BluesPower]

You have three kids, and you think she is a nice person?

 

Buddy she is lying to you about all of it, you know that.

 

People in a divorce are not nice, that is standard.

 

Is the rest of your information the fact that she has been having an affair, or do you know yet?

 

The person that you thought you knew is not your current wife.

 

You need to wake up and protect yourself.

 

She wanted out, she needs to pay you what you have coming...

Edited October 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mardelis]

You need an attorney to protect yourself and your assets. This is not the time to be pennywise and pound foolish. Yes, a few grand seems like a lot but it pales in comparison to what it will cost you if you don't have representation when you sign your divorce papers- especially with the screwballs being tossed your way by your wife who "didn't realize the attorney put that in there". She read it, she reviewed it, and she signed it. It's more like her attorney said "lets put it in there and see if he notices and does anything about it".

 

 

Your soon to be exwife is not your friend, in fact she's probably your worst enemy. Don't take her word for anything and don't think for a moment you know enough about divorce laws to do this yourself. I mean, you can, some people do, but if you've got enough assets and income to make it worth retaining an attorney, then do it. Child support and spousal maintenance can be for a very long time, and not having enough time with your children can't be given a price tag.

[Arris]

Are these two things related ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Sorry, I'm not sure I follow.

Out of everything we discussed, this was the main source of possible conflict.

 

 

She really seems sincere and upset that we're spending this money, she even said she'd rather just give me the 8k than pay attorneys.

 

 

I told her, she should have waited and talked with me first before retaining her own lawyer if that was the case.

 

 

I'd like to attend a 2 year program and get my life on track, I can handle just about any job. I just don't know if I can pull off school, work and get my time in with the kids.

 

 

Originally before she moved out, she said she didn't care what she had to do to help me through school. Obviously I can't hold her to that, but as I was the sahd for most of our marriage, I was hoping I'd have a path to get myself on track and in doing so, would be better able to provide. Even if I had to turn around and help her situation once I landed a job. It's part of taking care of myself so I can be in better position to help everyone else.

[ChatroomHero]

I have a couple of friends that went through this and one in particular said the biggest mistake he made was not fighting for the sake of the kids and being agreeable. It ruined his life and he was almost living on the streets. He was one of those dads that worked hard and doted on his kids, did everything with them. About 20 years later, I have not seen him in probably 9 years, he was basically homeless at one point and I let him crash at my apartment, and I literally saw his pay check for two weeks after support was taken out...it was like $60, he was just about crying when he showed me that was his money for rent, gas, food...

 

 

Use the lawyer.

 

 

If you don't, she can put it in writing that you can share custody and she pays you, but when it goes to the court it doesn't work like you would think. You'll end up with no custody, her making all decisions, you paying her child support and maybe even alimony and you'll have to provide insurance on the kids and pay for 60% of their activities.

 

 

She'll tell you the lawyer did this, the lawyer did that, but once it is done, it won't change. She could win the lotto and you could become paralyzed and you will still be expected to pay support or go to jail because they won't change anything easily even if the conditions completely change.

 

 

From a few friends that went through this the biggest thing I found was when the man and woman agree on something, the court will still rule against it. You both say in court no child support, the court will order you to pay $500 per kid per month. Whether it's the lawyers or the court, I can guarantee you if you don't have a lawyer you will get boned in the worst, most non-sense ways you cannot even imagine. Whoever has the best lawyer will end up with 100% power. If you trust her with that, have at it. Since you are getting divorced, I wouldn't trust her or her lawyer.

[ChatroomHero]

I told her, she should have waited and talked with me first before retaining her own lawyer if that was the case.

 

 

This is key here. This is how you know she is not 100% on the level. She wants a lawyer, but doesn't want you to have one because then you will not know the 1 million things you have to do and she will get everything and you will get financial obligations monitored by the court and punished if you don't pay.

 

 

Also, know her lawyer is advising her to be as agreeable as possible, not fight, not tell you anything substantial and hoping she can convince you not to get a lawyer. Whatever you say and decide now with her, means absolutely 0 in court. I mean the papers say full custody, did she offer to have the lawyer revise it or is she saying she will just say in court she wants to share? I guarantee you, she will not revise it which means in court, she is seeking full custody...anything else she says means nothing.

 

 

It's not tv, they will go by the papers, not what she says. Her lawyer knows that too. The judge may not let you and her even speak much, so if it is not in her document, how would they know you agreed to share custody?

[PegNosePete]

she even said she'd rather just give me the 8k than pay attorneys.

Tell her great, you accept cheque or cash.

 

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't retain a lawyer of your own. You definitely should.

 

If she thinks you're better off without lawyers, what it actually means is that she thinks she can get a better deal if lawyers aren't involved. And that means she thinks you'll settle for a lower offer -- at least 8k lower -- if you don't have a professional advising you and fighting in your corner. All the more reason to definitely have a lawyer to represent you, whether she chooses to have one represent her or not!

[Arris]

You have three kids, and you think she is a nice person?

 

Buddy she is lying to you about all of it, you know that.

 

People in a divorce are not nice, that is standard.

 

Is the rest of your information the fact that she has been having an affair, or do you know yet?

 

The person that you thought you knew is not your current wife.

 

You need to wake up and protect yourself.

 

She wanted out, she needs to pay you what you have coming...

 

 

 

Wow, I have to be honest, I'm trying to be patient in this process, trying not to lose myself, and I have at times, severely, but I keep trying and picking myself up.

 

 

I'm at major conflict over how nice she is, and the fact we have no issues and she won't make a better attempt at reconciling for the kids, trust me, is heartbreaking. We really had a great, loving family. As I read in another post, I'm in the same struggling marriage and I've remained faithful and loyal. I'm still here trying and I know things will be ok, but as far as our family dynamics go, it will be devastating. Divorce is not the answer in our case, I give my all and am not abusive in any manner, I don't cheat and I'm not hung up on any self interests. Family life is my main interests, I love driving all over for sport games, coming up with adventures, including the kids on projects around the house, even if they just stand there for 10 minutes, I just love every aspect of growing with my family.

 

 

As far as an affair, I absolutely am torn 50/50, and if I told you why I suspect she is, you would call me naïve for not being certain.

To keep it short, as we started kind of working on our problem over a year ago, which was mainly a disconnect and being distant, from the very start I warned her about this guy she was working for being a distraction to our family and our healing.

I warned her, no good guy ever comes between a married mother of 3, especially when they know the marriage is struggling.

In most circumstances, especially with 3 kids, divorcing because the grass is greener is about the cheapest and weakest thing a person can do in marriage. I'm in this relationship, I'm devoted, I'm constantly looking for ways to help this family grow and stay connected. I'm not smothering, I understand she is still her own person.

I know people will say she's wanting to get out and have her own adventures, but sometimes, you have to do that within your own marriage, especially with 3 great kids and the way we raised them. There is a ton we can do to get out and explore still, and she can still go be on her own with friends.

We have everything here anyone could want.

 

 

Anyways, she really seems sincere about the dissolution and not having an affair. I can get over the fact if she is having an affair because it means she was never worth anything, but it doesn't change the fact that kind of stupidity destroyed our family. I feel really bad for these kids and I don't think they have a clue, or they've become apathetic as a result.

They do great in sports and they maintain a 4.0 in honors classes in school. My daughter is 14 and she seems so moody and disconnected at times, my wife says she's just a teenage girl, but I find those kinds of excuses enabling. She's a great kid with a huge heart, but she needs a family that's together now more than ever, as they all do being into their teens.

I don't know, I hate to think my wife fell victim to wondering if there's something better out there. I'm really not lacking, and if I am, she should be there to improve the situation not run away, just as I would do for her.

[PegNosePete]

I warned her, no good guy ever comes between a married mother of 3, especially when they know the marriage is struggling.

And no good woman allows another guy to come between her and her husband, especially when she knows the marriage is struggling.

 

As you said. You're naive for not being certain of an affair.

 

I hate to think my wife fell victim to wondering if there's something better out there.

Fell victim, like she had no choice in the matter? No my friend, you are the victim here. Your wife cheated on you. She is not the victim, she is the perpetrator!

 

But anyway it's kind of immaterial now since the divorce is going ahead. You can ask your lawyer if an affair would make things different in any way, but in most jurisdictions, it doesn't.

[ChatroomHero]

You are viewing it through the eyes of someone that loves her and still wants her. She is not. You are viewing her as someone that will always be nice to you, work with you and respect you. She is viewing it as you are someone she wants to get away from and not have to think about or consider anymore.

 

 

You'd be putting your trust in a vision of someone that does not exist and her lawyer will use that against you. Her lawyer won't care if he ruins the life of a great person, he cares about the legal arguments and the win statistic. As far as what happens, it is between you and her lawyer now, not you and her.

 

 

Use the lawyer. In fact, just go talk to the lawyer and tell him what you are thinking, he will probably tell you stories of nice guys who did exactly what you are trying to do and thought exactly what you are thinking now that will turn your sh*t white.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry, I'm not sure I follow.

Out of everything we discussed, this was the main source of possible conflict.

 

Is her dissatisfaction with you and disconnect from the marriage based on the fact you don't work? Is she tired of being the sole breadwinner?

 

Being a SAHD seems workable on paper, but many women can lose respect for their partners under those circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arris]

Is her dissatisfaction with you and disconnect from the marriage based on the fact you don't work? Is she tired of being the sole breadwinner?

 

Being a SAHD seems workable on paper, but many women can lose respect for their partners under those circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

No, during that time as SAHD, I held a few part time jobs doing cement work, temporary help in a factory for a couple summers, working in a construction shop and helped remodel a couple basements.

 

 

I then got hired into a good job in 2012 working second shift, until they had to lose a shift and I was let go after 5 years.

They have a program that I can go back to school for 2 years and they pay for it, so as we were struggling, I tried basing my decision on school with what would work best for the family and a lasting career. She was kind of checked out and didn't offer any help.

I know that seems like an excuse on my part, but I entered depression again and my focus was on trying to keep this family together.

I couldn't get out of my hole, but I tried.

There are so many options, and I once went to technical college and tool and die apprenticeship, and neither worked out, so I was very hesitant in making a decision this time. Sometimes being too open to whatever can be a burden.

 

 

Having said all that, this new guy she works for on the side is all about work. He owns his business and that's all he cares about 24/7. It's his life and a lifestyle I didn't want my wife getting sucked into, because he would text or call at all hours.

I told her the least she could do is ask for profit sharing if she's going to basically be on call 24/7.

So, maybe she's unfairly comparing me to him, only, I do have a great work ethic, I'll sweat and bleed for work, I love it. I just make family my priority and it's been my goal to be in a position to let my wife do whatever she wants. Whether that's quit, work part or full time or volunteer somewhere.

It's all about balance and I make sure I put my job first while I'm being paid, after that though, it's family.

She has made remarks about me not being enrolled yet and not working, but it's just not that simple. I asked her for some guidance in finding a job or path, I told her how her being at the second job is affecting things. I don't expect much, but she would do the exact opposite and do more shop time and such. I just wanted a little breathing room, maybe some boundaries at the least in place to allow me to get out of my hole.

 

 

I shouldn't have put my strength in her, and I see that now, but back then, I was just trying to be honest and prove myself and do what was right.

 

 

Now I am left with someone that just wants to get away from me at all costs. She hasn't talked to me barely in the last 10 months, and after the papers, I finally accepted things and stopped trying to talk to her. I was bad with texts, they weren't bad, I just had something to say just about everyday.

Well, all of the sudden she just wouldn't shut up these past few days, not talking about us, but her health and the kids, she would just ramble on.

Then she found out about the retainer and I'm not saying anything was looking better, but it definitely has turned back to her being closed off and done.

[amaysngrace]

Keep your lawyer through the process and have her lawyer draw up the settlement agreement. You can dispute any details before signing but the bulk of the expense will be hers.

 

Personally I had my own lawyer draw it up because his wording was not only brilliant but beneficial to me in a way that went unnoticed.

 

But definitely have legal representation.

 

Ask for everything so that you get more than half of what you want in the end.

[Arris]

Just got off the phone with her a bit ago and she said she will call her lawyer and ask about getting the unused portion of her retainer back and we could use my lawyer or a different one to do a dissolution.

 

 

Her lawyer said, we will go in front of the judge with our agreements and that's pretty much it.

I heard differently from another post in this thread, that the judge can still change what we agree on ourselves.

 

 

She wants the cheapest route to this, does not want to delay because she's not changing her mind and will do all she can to work out any desires of mine, like if I want to keep the house.

 

 

We'll see if her story changes on her lawyer because she seemed dug in at first. Also, she says she's in no major hurry, but I feel a great amount of pressure to just rush through this. That tells me, she has somewhere to be, maybe is done trying to pay for both our places or just wants to be done with me.

 

 

I don't know, it's all too much for me at one time. I'm not in a good state and I really try like hell to keep taking steps.

Thank God I confided in a few of my friends, they are looking out for me as they can. One has even given me an application to a decent job that I have to hurry and fill out for a 911 dispatcher job.

[BluesPower]

Wow, I have to be honest, I'm trying to be patient in this process, trying not to lose myself, and I have at times, severely, but I keep trying and picking myself up.

<snip>

 

I don't know, I hate to think my wife fell victim to wondering if there's something better out there. I'm really not lacking, and if I am, she should be there to improve the situation not run away, just as I would do for her.

 

[]

Here is the deal, believe it or not.

 

Your wife is having an affair with the guy at work. He either is single or she thinks he will divorce to be with her. You are a typical "Nice guy" with all of the negative connotations that comes with that. [] I am sorry that this is happening to you.

 

If you have access to the phone bill and you still don't believe what I am telling you, then check the phone bill, and you will see that she is in constant communication with him. If it is not there, then it is a burner phone.

[]This is going to do damage to your personally after the divorce when she allows the kids to meet her "New" BF.

 

You need to wake up and stop trying to nice her back. She is working on a completely different level than you are. She knows she is having an affair and she wants out unscathed. The reason that she is being nice is she does not want you to catch on and tell the children. And she thinks if she is nice she will get more than her share of the divorce.

 

[]Just hire a PI. But above all things, get a lawyer and protect yourself. Really, I am begging you...

Edited October 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact off-topic/pejorative content, fix spacing; truncate quote

[Arris]

Thanks, I am trying to muddle through this financial statement in the affidavit. I'll go over things with my attorney for sure, I should write my questions down.

 

 

I know she has spent the night at his house since moving out on several occasions. Maybe even most of the time for all I know. We share the kids every 2 days.

Each time I knew about it, I confronted her and she always has an excuse.

 

 

We live in a no fault state, and I asked her to just be honest so it would be easier for me to move on, but she sticks to her guns.

 

 

She has already taken my kids into the shop to work with her, doing small tasks. I was pretty livid.

 

 

Things are a touch complicated, she has a severe injury and needed surgery. She's been on medication that really doesn't touch the pain.

Now she's wearing a neck brace and can't drive.

 

 

She did not tell me about her surgery, and instead had this guy take her and kept the room confidential from me.

 

 

He is single and has a little kid.

 

 

Even if she is not having an affair, she has been way too inappropriate at this point. If not for having kids, I would have left her over it myself. Having kids, keeping my family together means more than how I feel over this. I don't view that as weakness, just knowing what matters most.

 

 

I don't think there's anything I can do anyways. The only thing I have left is to make sure I can get back to my feet again.

It's a lot for me to handle as she took care of everything financially. I never even cashed my own paychecks.

I never worried about it because I can catch on quick, it's just everything is hitting me all at once and I'm already in a hole as it is.

 

 

It's really tough and trying to deal with everything all at once is shutting me down and I'm totally exhausted. I don't even have anything left in me to care if she's having an affair, I just want to get as far away from her as possible but I'll be forever connected to her.

I try to distance myself now because the moment she is nice to me, it just brings me right back. I try not to let on, but it messes me up pretty bad inside.

[FMW]

Don't be concerned with what SHE wants as far as not having to pay two attorneys. Please do NOT go forward with this without personal representation.

 

You're hurting right now and not thinking clearly, but what happens right now is going to affect the rest of your life.

 

Sign the retainer contract for the attorney.