What to do (sorry it's a bit long)

[FlyInTheSky]

Hi,

I've just joined this forum so just thought i'd say hello first

I really hope I can get some 'fresh ideas' from people as i've talked to my friends about the situation i'm in and half are saying one thing, half are saying something else and some are saying a bit of both (all will be explained). I'm also sorry if it's a bit long, i'll try and keep it down to as short as possible and fill people in on specifics if they ask.

There's a guy who I work with who i've known nearly 3 years now, we've always got on well and had a good laugh, and i've always had some sort of crush on him. About a year after I met him he met another girl and started dating her, and I suppose this was fine and we just carried on being friends. A few months after they'd been together they started arguing all the time, and I kind of became his agony aunt for it all, and ironically at the same time I was having problems with a guy I was seeing and we used to talk to each other about the things going on in our lives and it was really good, in a way it bonded us closer together. After a few more months of arguing virtually constantly they split up. I found out she'd cheated on him on several occasions and it really broke his heart. Well this all ended at the end of last year now. Things started to settle down for him, he still wasn't completely over this girl but getting better. Around February I tried to tell him how I felt but as everyone was winding him up about it he kind of passed it off as a joke and again a couple of months later he started going out with this other girl who works in the same place. I was really upset about it as he was being really awkward with me and I was hurt firstly that if he did know that I liked him he'd just swan off with someone else working at the same place and also by his weird attitude towards me. They only went out for a short while and then he dumped her, no one really knew what happened and the best I could get was just that he stopped seeing her.

Things (again) returned to normal for a while, and we got back to our 'usual selves' and things were going great, until one night I decided (when drunk I might add ) to text him and kind of 'let it out'. He was ok with me afterwards, but said he couldn't remember what i'd been saying as he was also drunk and deleted what i'd sent. I at first thought it was a bit 'too convienient' but then he started asking friends of mine who were there what i'd been saying and kind of figured it out. Things were a bit strained after that at work, mostly because neither of us knew what to say to each other, but a friend of mine questioned him about it and he told her he wanted to just be friends.

Then (and yes i'm finally making my way to my point now! he he) the weekend after I went out and started texting him again, this time though I ended up meeting up with him and sleeping with him. Things were oddly enough much better after that, but of course I then started to nag myself over what was going on. He didn't make any reference to the night at all, and as time passed on it got more of a strain. Two weeks ago I organised to go out with all of my friends, including a few from work and him. At the end of the night he ended up coming back to my house and we slept together again, but oddly enough afterwards I asked him if he wanted to stay over, and he said he would, but then slept on the sofa - he said he didn't want to sleep in the same bed as it would be "weird".

Since this has happened it's really fuelled the fire of confusion in my head, because he hasn't mentioned it since, and although he's fine at work, and I try my mightiest to be too, it seems like something is really not quite right. Before he would text me a lot outside of work, but I only ever hear from him since if I text him. I don't want to come on 'heavy' so I haven't been pushing him or hounding him or anything like that, trying to keep it 'light' but i'm really feeling quite hurt and confused now. The other thing which amazed me was how a few weeks ago he was talking about his ex and saying he was still gutted about what happened with her, so I don't know how much of a factor that's playing in this all, even though it's been nearly a year since they split up.

A group of my friends are saying I should just try and ask him out, see if he wants to go to the cinema or something like that and see what happens as he might be waiting for me to make the first move. But then another set of friends say that if I do that it'll just make him run, and he must have some issues still (from what he was saying about his ex) if he wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me - they're saying I should just keep it light, and see how things go. And THEN (I promise i'm nearly at the end now ) another friend (who's been a rock to me the past year or so) is saying that I should try to do a bit of both, and give him some time to think things through, but to some extent ask him how things stand if he doesn't start being clearer soon. The problem is I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, on one side I really want to find out what he feels and it's just more frustrating because i'm really attracted to him and would love to have a relationship with him, but at the same time i'm scared of scaring him off by asking 'too many' questions.

One of the things which makes me doubt it a lot (and myself) is that when he found out the girl he was going out with before (who works at our place) liked him he was in touch with her almost straight away and asked her to go on a date, but i'm not really getting any feedback from him at all.

I'm sorry again this is so long, I hope someone has the patience to read it and reply, I could really do with some fresh opinions and angles, i'm just hurting and frustrated at the moment and don't know what to do for the best, I really don't want to wreck anything through a wrong move.

Thank you for listening xxx

[Mary3]

It is abundantly evident that this man still has feelings for his former x gf.

He had also made it clear to you he only wants to remain friends.

He also made it clear that he liked you sexually that night and a few weeks later and he is not by your side.He also did not contact you after the sex but rather you are contacting him by text. Shame.... But he is rather haunted by the x and that other girl was a quick dump because he is in * rebound * mode.

 

Any girl that tries to get close will get bounced out of the court because he is not * clear * about anything.

 

You are going to get hurt .

 

Alot.

 

Because : you like him.

 

NC is in order here . Asap

 

Do it before you post 10 more letters as to why he is not talking to you and occasionally looking for sex while he still * wants * his ex back...yikes...

[FlyInTheSky]

Well, I knew i'd already dug my own grave, so to speak, when I just carried on regardless of my feelings so I only have my own stupidity to blame there.

I'm not sure what "NC" stands for? I use quite a few other forums but none on advice and relationships so sorry to come across a bit dumb!

I'm not planning on sleeping with him again, it's quite clear in my mind that nothing more is going to happen until I know 100% he is interested in just more than casual sex.

One of the things that hurts the most I suppose is that we've been close friends for a long time, so it hurts to feel that he would still treat me the same way as maybe someone he's just casually met. And as for his ex *grrrrrrr* (only kidding), she wasn't a nice person at all, it just always seems so ironic that the people who will treat people with love and respect seem to be left and those who seem to almost purposefully break peoples hearts are the ones that are run to (if that makes sense).

[Mary3]

NC = No Contact .

 

Meaning you do not call, text, email, visit or initiate any kind of contact of ANY kind .

 

Why NC ? Its for YOU. ITs how you heal. Its how you think clearer. Can you imagine if he were holding you in your arms right now and you were trying to tell him how badly he hurt you ? Do you see the relevancy here ?

 

Of course you CANT think clear. Thats why you dont speak to that person until you get stronger.

 

Then maybe later , when you are healed , you can be friends.

 

Do NOT use NC as a weapon. Do not use it because you think you can get them back. Use it for your own dignity. You deserve better than this .

 

ALWAYS know you deserve better !

 

Don't you understand that he disrespected you and you still * Agree * to wait incase he wants you later down the road ?

 

Wrong !

 

You want someone better.....

[FlyInTheSky]

Thanks Yes I guess I should KNOW that I deserve better, but after a string of rubbish relationships it's getting to the point where i'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me because these things always seem to start along these lines. I was hoping it would be different with him as we'd been close friends for a time but I guess I was wrong.

It's really hard to keep up no contact as we work together, it isn't a big office and there are only a few of us who work there anyway - so we're together almost all the time except for the weekend - I guess doubly stupid me for letting myself get involved in that way too, although I can honestly say it hasn't affected anything at work, it's been hard (at least for me anyway) but things aren't too bad there.

But saying that, I have taken in what you've said about the otherwise no contact - I caught myself texting last night (just chit chat) and stopped myself. It's no point innitiating things all the time, I suppose it's just showing that it's a one sided show, and i'm the only person involved in it...

[Mary3]

Awhh so you see how well you are learning ? I am proud of you for not giving into the temptation to text this person.

 

You watch, after a period of time. it becomes easier

[FlyInTheSky]

What can I say, i'm easily trained!

Thank you for the advice Maybe i'll have to send my mobile phone over to you to stop me from using it! Oh well, i'm being good for now!