Abuse in family now my son too?

[Moviefan007]

I’d really appreciate perspective on this. Recently my 5yr olds grandparents looked after him for a few hours and ended up slapping him, wouldn’t apologise or calm him down/comfort him, and said he was a problem child/manic with a problem, who said he was going to stab them and bite them. Thing is, he is such a lovely kid, he has never acted like that with anyone else, and is in fact known for his kindness, sweetness etc by everyone. Literally what they sounds like a completely different person. We said no slapping, ever, and they’ve ignored and minimised our beliefs around this and around this bizarre behavior change, said its a joke being asked to apologise and even wanted us to not talk to him about it at all. He personally doesnt want to be left alone with them the next time he sees them but otherwise is happy to see them again.

 

I remember when I was growimg up there was a lot of unkindness and there’s quite a lot of mental illness in my immediate family (diagnosed and undiagnosed) and I feel some strange behaviours might’ve become normalised. I need to get this clear and face up to it as I certainly don’t want my son sucked into it. I feel like I’ve been gaslighted a lot and that there were some unacceptable behaviours and would value others perspectives.

 

For example, once when I was 13 my mom spent the whole day getting me ready for my first ever disco. I was a tomboy and not into boys particularly so would’ve been happy in a tracksuit, but she basically dreased me up in a skintight black mini dress, strapless , tights with seams at the back, black stilettos, red lipstick and really big hair, and make up. This sounds really bizarre typing it back, I don’t know why I’d need confirmation that it was abnormal but anyway. Anyway I predictably ended up the target of some boys name calling and was so upset. I told her about that name calling (slut, etc) and that I was really upset, and she just shouted at me for being so ungrateful for all the time she invested in driving me there /helping me get ready. There are obviously lots of examples but thats just one. I’ve often though maybe my parents are narcissistic or abusive, and that at the least it was a very toxic household and I just want to make sure I’m keeping my son away from it.

 

So currently we have decided to go lower contact and to stop any overnight stays or our son being alone with them. We are seeing them soon (wish we weren’t!) and seeing them makes me so stressed I’d just really appreciate advice. Its mad because usually I’m so confident and happy to face things but the parents seem to be the only people that make me feel shaky. If you have any advice I’d really appreciate it. Thanks for reading!

[skywriter]

I’d really appreciate perspective on this. Recently my 5yr olds grandparents looked after him for a few hours and ended up slapping him, wouldn’t apologise or calm him down/comfort him, and said he was a problem child/manic with a problem, who said he was going to stab them and bite them. Thing is, he is such a lovely kid, he has never acted like that with anyone else, and is in fact known for his kindness, sweetness etc by everyone. Literally what they sounds like a completely different person. We said no slapping, ever, and they’ve ignored and minimised our beliefs around this and around this bizarre behavior change, said its a joke being asked to apologise and even wanted us to not talk to him about it at all. He personally doesnt want to be left alone with them the next time he sees them but otherwise is happy to see them again.

 

I remember when I was growimg up there was a lot of unkindness and there’s quite a lot of mental illness in my immediate family (diagnosed and undiagnosed) and I feel some strange behaviours might’ve become normalised. I need to get this clear and face up to it as I certainly don’t want my son sucked into it. I feel like I’ve been gaslighted a lot and that there were some unacceptable behaviours and would value others perspectives.

 

For example, once when I was 13 my mom spent the whole day getting me ready for my first ever disco. I was a tomboy and not into boys particularly so would’ve been happy in a tracksuit, but she basically dreased me up in a skintight black mini dress, strapless , tights with seams at the back, black stilettos, red lipstick and really big hair, and make up. This sounds really bizarre typing it back, I don’t know why I’d need confirmation that it was abnormal but anyway. Anyway I predictably ended up the target of some boys name calling and was so upset. I told her about that name calling (slut, etc) and that I was really upset, and she just shouted at me for being so ungrateful for all the time she invested in driving me there /helping me get ready. There are obviously lots of examples but thats just one. I’ve often though maybe my parents are narcissistic or abusive, and that at the least it was a very toxic household and I just want to make sure I’m keeping my son away from it.

 

So currently we have decided to go lower contact and to stop any overnight stays or our son being alone with them. We are seeing them soon (wish we weren’t!) and seeing them makes me so stressed I’d just really appreciate advice. Its mad because usually I’m so confident and happy to face things but the parents seem to be the only people that make me feel shaky. If you have any advice I’d really appreciate it. Thanks for reading!

 

 

Moviefan007, Hi, I'm 54 years old and have two grandsons, and one of my grandsons is also 5 years old like your son. I don't know that I can give you any advice other than what you already stated you are doing, limiting contact and also supervising contact.

 

I just want to add, I find what your family has inflicted upon you in the past and your now son, as not acceptable and quite disturbing to me as a mom and grandmother.I am so relieved that you are taking steps to keep your son protected from this in the future.

 

My daughter knows that when her son, my five year old grandson is with me that he's loved and protected as if he were with her. In fact, he's quite spoiled when he's with me, as it should be.

 

I will not pass judgement on your family as it isn't my place. I just find it quite sad, that they've put themselves in a position, to miss out, on time that goes by quickly and they can't reclaim in later years with this child.

 

If I were you, he would never be left alone with anyone that wouldn't treasure him just as you do.

Edited October 2, 2018 by skywriter

[GorillaTheater]

Another grandparent here, my grandson is 6.

 

 

It's the best gig on the planet, and tell the truth I probably let him get away with murder but hell, I've done my time in the trenches with disciplining kids and now it's my kid's turn.

 

 

One thing I'd never, ever do, even at gunpoint, is slap my grandson (let alone my own kids). I think limiting contact as you have is absolutely the correct move.

[preraph]

I wouldn't let them slap him either, but I would believe them if they said he threatened to stab and bite them. I wouldn't just ignore that. Maybe he just didn't like something they said and that was what he came up with, but you can't just ignore that. Ask them both to corroborate exactly what he said and what was going on when he said it.

 

I can't believe you're mad at your mom for dressing you like a hot girl to go to the disco. My mom made me some great micro-miniskirts and I am eternally grateful. It sounds like she thought it was something like a costume party, though, which I suspect since at 13, you'd not be legal to go in a real disco.

Edited October 2, 2018 by preraph

[skywriter]

I wouldn't let them slap him either, but I would believe them if they said he threatened to stab and bite them. I wouldn't just ignore that. Maybe he just didn't like something they said and that was what he came up with, but you can't just ignore that. Ask them both to corroborate exactly what he said and what was going on when he said it.

 

I can't believe you're mad at your mom for dressing you like a hot girl to go to the disco. My mom made me some great micro-miniskirts and I am eternally grateful. It sounds like she thought it was something like a costume party, though, which I suspect since at 13, you'd not be legal to go in a real disco.

 

I agree with peraph, about him threatening to stab and bite them. If he goes to school and behaves this way, there would definitely be consequences, so best to get a handle on that.

[Moviefan007]

Hi skywriter and gorillatheater, many thanks for your feesback as grandparents-it is so useful to hear how you feel about slapping. Preraph thankyou too, the issue about the violent behaviour is a separate major worry of ours; he has attended the same school for 4yrs with literally not one instance of behavioural problems and is in fact viewed as one of the kindest and most caring kids in the class. He never acts out at home beyond the usual kid stuff which appropriate naughty step type stuff is more than effective at dealing with. He has had playdates at my close friends house twice without me being there and again, zero issues. This is why we say his grandparents are describing a child we and anyone that knows him don’t recognise. Either my mom is making it up, or something is happening with his grandparents that are making him feel frightened and distressed enough to act very very out of character which is a major concern for me. Given that my mom felt she was in the right to grab him and slap him (her words) I worry about what that might be.

 

Preraph thats funny you say that about the disco - I’d have liked a Cyndi Lauper outfit for a fancy dress style party! But it was a legit disco, I think it was to try to encourage a link between our girls school and a local boys one. There was no alcohol obviously but aside from that it was a disco-dim/disco lights, music, snacks, dancing, presumably an adult supervisor or two in the back of the hall. I looked like Melanie Griffith from working girl - hooker chic for sure. I didn’t know any boys and had never gone to a disco so was happy to follow my moms guidance-until I got there. In retrospect my classmates were good people as they could have been pretty nasty about how I looked and weren’t. I remember waiting outside in the dark for my mom to pick me up and a group of boys walked past and flicked a cigarette at me and called me those nasty names -not nice. It was just a bizarre experience really, as well as upsetting.

[BaileyB]

My son would definitely never be alone with his grandparents, in this situation. In fact, given the history that you describe, I doubt that I would have much contact at all with them...