Do you ever get over betrayal?

[viofri]

I came out of a long term relationship wanting to enjoy my freedom and happiness. It lasted till the moment I saw Kyle, it was love from the very first sight ( I never believed in it till about the second I felt it). I knew he was the one for me.

 

Kyle and I got close straight away, we spent a lot of time together and we seemed to be very compatible. I expressed how I felt, I told him I only wanted something serious from him. He said he wasn’t looking for a relationship and regretted it the second he said it begging me almost, to forget about it, so i did and we never talked about it again.

 

We kept spending more and more time together ( to the point where I would spend 5 nights a week at his place).

 

Everything seemed too good to be true after that. I spent the Christmas with his family we were together all the time, it just felt that it was the perfect relationship. We talked about having a family, our future together, how we are gonna raise our kids( mind I am in my late 20s and he is 31).

 

A few months go by and one day I just have the urge to go through his phone, I just felt the need. I guess the password and go through his messages when I see it.

 

Kyle had another ‘relationship’ with a girl he met while traveling years ago. He was planning to see her ( he told me he was going there with his friend and then suddenly cancelled it).

 

To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. I.felt.sick

 

He persuades me in the end by saying that it was nothing serious and that once he realised he was in love with me he cancelled the trip and finished the relationship.

 

I asked him so many times if it was more serious than what he made it seem like but every time the answer would be the same-no. He was even saying that he never felt that they were in relationship in the first place.

 

A year goes by and I can’t stop thinking about it. I just can’t get over it.

 

A week ago I woke up to a nice message from the girl he was planning to visit. She sent me a nice long love letter he wrote to her months ago. The letter was sent while we were together.

To make you understand how serious it was for them, they were even planning to get married so she could move here.

 

Every single thing that was in that letter he tells me everyday. It was a letter we see in movies, an act of love and admiration.

The letter was just too much, how could I stay in relationship where it all started as a lie?

How could I be with someone who in the first 5 months of our relationship wanted and loved someone else?

How could I ever get over something like that?

 

He cried for hours, he kept insisting that when he was writing that letter he deep down knew he didn’t mean it. He kept saying that he cancelled the trip 2 weeks after he wrote that letter as he realised he loved me.

 

A week later I’m in this situation where I don’t know what to do with myself. Is it possible to forgive someone who has done something like that?

Is it possible to trust someone who felt all those things for someone and spend every day with someone else?

Is it possible to ever forget about it?

 

If it was just some meaningless sex (which from what I’ve seen on his phone he did or was planning to do) I wouldn’t mind as much. But this was something much more painful.

 

I love him with all my heart but I feel betrayed. ANY advice would be great my lovely people.

[Zahara]

he kept insisting that when he was writing that letter he deep down knew he didn’t mean it.

 

That would be a huge red flag for me. How could I then trust anything this man says or does to be true? That would be a constant worry for me. You propose marriage to a woman but deep down you never meant a word of it. That's frightening. Unless he said it to appease you. Either way, I could never trust his words.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this but I can only speak for myself in that cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I've been betrayed before and it never was the same. Once trust is broken, it's difficult to get back. And even if it did, I would question my ability to never look over my shoulder again. I don't think it ever fully goes away.

 

I wish you well and I hope you both are able to get past this.

[preraph]

How long had you been together when this letter was written? Was it long enough for him to be committed to you?

 

He did cancel the trip, so that's something. But I can see where if he's saying the same things to her as you, pretty hard to believe him about anything. He's crying because he got caught and wants to illicit sympathy. Have you talked to this woman any more? Asked her how long they dated face to face? If it was just some long distance "love," it doesn't mean much. Still, it's definitely a trust issue. You certainly shouldn't keep planning a future until you feel you can resolve this.

[Orokotikki]

How long have you actually been together? Sounds like you should move on, and find someone who truly values you.

 

As for him cancelling it... Who is to say she didn't cancel it?

After all he was lying to you about why he was going who he would be with.

 

If you are entertaining the idea of reconciling with him you'll need total transparency and likely couple's counseling.

 

I'm sorry it sounds like a very tough position to be in, we all wish you the best.

[AT15]

He is a liar. She sent you the love letter to get back at him or remove you from the picture.

 

I know you're heartbroken. My experience with cheaters is that they are broken and taint everything they come in contact with until they are ready to change on their own.

 

When do they change? Sometimes immediately, sometimes never. It's gamble. The thing is the with cheaters the more you put up with, the more you put up with...

 

Good luck, love.

[basil67]

Part of the problem not being able to let go is your internal dialogue which told you that "he was the one for you". I strongly suggest that you go back to your old self and remind her that "Love at first sight" etc isn't a thing. You were simply confusing lust for love and got too emotionally involved before knowing who he really was.

 

Try this: "I met this guy and got swept up in adrenaline and excitement. I threw myself in emotionally before I knew him well. Turns out that he wasn't the kind of guy who was worth my time"

[Mardelis]

You relationship has been nothing more than a sham, and no, you cannot ever get over this form of betrayal. It's over, you know this, you just have to get it together and put your exit plan into effect.

 

 

Its sort of like when you watch a move and you see one of the main characters get a sword through their chest and it's this whole drawn out death scene that the movie extras never get to experience because they just get knocked off and you see their bodies without even knowing or caring how they met their demise. But I digress. In the case of the stricken main actor, we all know he's dead, he probably knows it but won't accept it, and it's just a matter of waiting for it to happen.

 

 

No more waiting.