Anniversary Dinner Invite

[vla1120]

This morning, I got this text from my estranged husband -

 

"Cooking dinner on Thursday. Anniversary."

 

First of all, our anniversary is on the 8th, not the 4th. Fail.

 

Very long story short - I moved out in June, staying married because he needs my healthcare, he has stage IV cancer, we spent four years together, after four years of control, emotional abuse, and him trying to isolate me from my family and friends, I left (for the second time in two years.)

 

This time, I am not going back. While I do have empathy for him (or anyone in his position), he had his chance with me. I was good to him. I took care of him. In return, he controlled, verbally abused, tried to drive a wedge between my daughters and me, etc.

 

The answer to an "anniversary dinner" is an emphatic NO! So why do I feel guilty?? Is it because I picture him alone? I've given him the green light to go out and find someone else. He refuses. When will this guilty feeling go away?

 

I have not yet responded. I want to respond so that there is no question in his mind that the answer is no and so that I don't feel I am being rude. Then again, I don't want to respond. I just want him to leave me alone and go on with his life (and he DOES have a new lease on life because his new medication has worked very well and all of his tumors have decreased by 50-75%, so he COULD go out and socialize if he wanted to. In fact, I believe he has gone back to work, but will not admit that to me because he wants me to eventually pay alimony or something - though he has PLENTY of money in the bank to live on for years to come.)

 

Wow. I digressed. It's just that every time I start to feel comfortable, something with him pops up - I get a random text needing information, a certified letter (basically for him to prove to me that he knows where I live), and now this text. Ugh. I feel guilty using NC on someone with his medical background, which is why I will probably respond. I guess I just wondered what others would do in my position.

 

Thanks for reading.

[GinON]

That sounds difficult for sure.

 

Its easy for me to say this but you need to think about what you want for yourself and detach from him if you can. If he is getting healthier, that is no reason for you to break no contact, its just leading him on thinking he has a chance.

 

If you truly want to be done with him, you need to accept that he might die alone because he is choosing to. Does he depend on you in any other way? Should he?

[vla1120]

One of the things that always came between us was his tight control on money. I have always been the main breadwinner in this relationship. Even when I left, though he has a good amount of money in the bank (the he scrimped and saved from my income and his, when he had one) I paid his rent through the end of his lease at the end of this year. While he should NOT depend on me financially, I know he wants to. Ilhe has threatened to get a lawyer and file for abandonment so I have to pay support to him. I told him the moment he does that, I will file for divorce and he will run the risk of losing health benefits, and I doubt I would have to pay him support because with l the amount of money he has to support himself, he will be fine for some years to come (and I would be entitled to half of that because it was acquired during our 4-yr marriage.)

 

So. Long story short, no. He does not depend on me for support, nor should he, and though I have offered to remain his caregiver during his illness, with him it was either all or nothing, so he chose nothing.

[S2B]

Send a clear message - respond NO. Point out that's not even the correct date.

 

Then take action and file yourself.

 

Eliminate his health care. He can get it himself.

 

He's used you...because YOU allowed it.

 

Stop allowing it.

 

State in the divorce papers he has money of his own - some of which was earned by you! And show that he's likely working now as well.

 

He can't use you anymore if you start showing what's real. Do that.

[Ronni_W]

The answer to an "anniversary dinner" is an emphatic NO! So why do I feel guilty??

For some reason, a lot of us do end up feeling guilty when the other person is having to face the proper, natural consequence of his or her own negative (selfish, thoughtless, entitled, demanding, controlling, etc.) behaviour and attitudes.

 

Even though, obviously, they brought those consequences on themselves; it was never up to us or within our control.

 

I haven't found it too easy to let go of the guilt, but it does help when I remind myself that there is such a thing as consequences for actions;

negative for negative, and rewards and benefits for positive.

 

Wishing you an end to your guilt feelings that you don't deserve to have. .

[d0nnivain]

I'd write back: enjoy your dinner. I don't care to celebrate a date I'm trying to forget. BTW, our anniversary is the 8th not the 4th

[alphamale]

god, you really married a loser

[bathtub-row]

He knows your nature and knows it’ll put you on a guilt trip. My reaction would be to either ignore the text completely, or write back, “have a good time”. Oh, and since he can’t get the date right, you could be a smart aleck and ask him who’s anniversary he’s celebrating. Of course that would require conversation so I don’t recommend it. Lol.

[basil67]

"Sorry, have other plans. Can't make it"

[Just a Guy]

Hi via, from what you have written your marriage seems to have been a short lived one. Also, since you mention daughters from a previous relationship, this is your second marriage. I wanted to know where you met your current husband and how long did you know him before marrying him? Did he display any of the signs for emotional abuse, exercising control and trying to put a wedge between you and your family? How did he present himself when you were dating him? Also were you aware of his unfortunate condition while dating him or did his cancer come up after you were already married?

 

It seems so sad that a person who is in the terminal stages of cancer can yet be so abusive and difficult to live with. I would have thought that he should have been ever so grateful to you for choosing him as a life partner when he was so ill. As others have said it is best that you cut all contact with him except what may be absolutely necessary and that too, should be kept to a minimum. Best wishes

Edited October 3, 2018 by Just a Guy
Typing errors.

[Mardelis]

You are very foolish to remain married to this man.

 

Every day that goes by extends the marriage and makes you more liable for support and he has a claim on any additional assets you acquire until the date of legal separation if there ever is one.

 

I can't wrap my head around why you would remain married to this guy "just to help him out". You were married a short four years, you aren't his mother, you don't owe him anything.

 

Some people are their own worst enemies and it's just so unnecessary when there are other people who can be your worst enemy. Or something like that. Threads like this make me tired from shaking my head so much.

[basil67]

Get divorced, but make a year's worth of health insurance payments part of the settlement. This gives you freedom but with the knowledge that you haven't left him stranded with no medical care.

 

At the very least, talk to a lawyer.

[vla1120]

Hi via, from what you have written your marriage seems to have been a short lived one. Also, since you mention daughters from a previous relationship, this is your second marriage. I wanted to know where you met your current husband and how long did you know him before marrying him? Did he display any of the signs for emotional abuse, exercising control and trying to put a wedge between you and your family? How did he present himself when you were dating him? Also were you aware of his unfortunate condition while dating him or did his cancer come up after you were already married?

 

It seems so sad that a person who is in the terminal stages of cancer can yet be so abusive and difficult to live with. I would have thought that he should have been ever so grateful to you for choosing him as a life partner when he was so ill. As others have said it is best that you cut all contact with him except what may be absolutely necessary and that too, should be kept to a minimum. Best wishes

 

Thank you for your good wishes. I met him online. We talked for a couple months before meeting. He was stage III when I met him and was very honest about his condition. There were some red flags in the beginning (mostly in the form of OCD to the enth degree), but he was also quite the charmer and I overlooked some of those red flags. He was also more attentive and protective of me than anyone in my life had ever been. Looking back, the protectiveness slowly turned into control. We married too quickly (8 months after meeting), and he really showed his true colors after marriage.

[vla1120]

You are very foolish to remain married to this man.

 

Every day that goes by extends the marriage and makes you more liable for support and he has a claim on any additional assets you acquire until the date of legal separation if there ever is one.

 

I can't wrap my head around why you would remain married to this guy "just to help him out". You were married a short four years, you aren't his mother, you don't owe him anything.

 

Some people are their own worst enemies and it's just so unnecessary when there are other people who can be your worst enemy. Or something like that. Threads like this make me tired from shaking my head so much.

 

Don't hurt yourself shaking your head over me! I can take care of myself. I know my errors. I'm recovering from my mistakes and will be just fine. As far as why I felt the need to help him - according to a therapist who knows the trial and tribulations from my childhood, my overactive empathy and the need to "fix" things for people comes from the anxiety and helplessness I felt as a child.

 

Funny thing, I think I could use a little less empathy, and others could use a bit more. I have plenty to share!

[vla1120]

My response was almost verbatim what someone suggested. I said "Not sure whose anniversary you're celebrating on the 4th. I won't be celebrating ours on the 8th, but thanks for the invite."

 

He responded "It's just dinner, but do as you please."

 

I did not (nor will I) respond, though I would have liked to say "It's never "just dinner."

[preraph]

He probably feels since you're still trying to help him that he ought to acknowledge the anniversary, wrong day such as it is. If I were you, I'd go along with it, wrong day and all and not even tell him, and then you can NOT have to spend your actual anniversary with him. He's in bad shape. You're doing the humane thing. I'd do the thing in this instance that rocked the boat the least. You loved him once. Celebrate that feeling. It's better than feeling guilty later.

[vla1120]

He probably feels since you're still trying to help him that he ought to acknowledge the anniversary, wrong day such as it is. If I were you, I'd go along with it, wrong day and all and not even tell him, and then you can NOT have to spend your actual anniversary with him. He's in bad shape. You're doing the humane thing. I'd do the thing in this instance that rocked the boat the least. You loved him once. Celebrate that feeling. It's better than feeling guilty later.

 

Thank you for validating the exact feelings I am having. While I would like to think he wants to acknowledge the anniversary because I am still trying to help him, without going into too much detail, his behavior in the last months we were together leaves me not trusting him enough to be alone with him. I thought about offering to meet him and have dinner out, but I know his ultimate goal is to have me come back and that is not happening so there is no other reason to spend that kind of time with him. If he needs someone in an emergency, I have told him to call me because his son is 6-7 hours away. That is the best I can do.

[bathtub-row]

My response was almost verbatim what someone suggested. I said "Not sure whose anniversary you're celebrating on the 4th. I won't be celebrating ours on the 8th, but thanks for the invite."

 

He responded "It's just dinner, but do as you please."

 

I did not (nor will I) respond, though I would have liked to say "It's never "just dinner."

 

Lol! Good one. Well, even if he is sub-human, I actually understand why you’re continuing the insurance. It takes a certain amount of heartlessness to leave someone high and dry when they’re that ill. The truth is, sometimes we do things that allow us to live with ourselves. This probably falls into that category. I think you’ve handled it perfectly - you left but continue to behave humanely. I knew a guy who did this. His wife was nuts and ill. He left her but made sure she was always taken care of.

[Mardelis]

Get divorced, but make a year's worth of health insurance payments part of the settlement. This gives you freedom but with the knowledge that you haven't left him stranded with no medical care.

 

At the very least, talk to a lawyer.

 

 

That won't work, at least in my area. Once the divorce is final, the exspouse is no longer covered under their former spouse's health insurance and that cannot be changed by agreement between the parties.

 

 

 

Doesn't matter, the Op has stated she's going to stay married to him to help her deal with her own childhood issues and she can take care of herself so we don't need to worry about her.

[vla1120]

Doesn't matter, the Op has stated she's going to stay married to him to help her deal with her own childhood issues and she can take care of herself so we don't need to worry about her.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Truth.

[bathtub-row]

He probably feels since you're still trying to help him that he ought to acknowledge the anniversary, wrong day such as it is. If I were you, I'd go along with it, wrong day and all and not even tell him, and then you can NOT have to spend your actual anniversary with him. He's in bad shape. You're doing the humane thing. I'd do the thing in this instance that rocked the boat the least. You loved him once. Celebrate that feeling. It's better than feeling guilty later.

 

Sorry, but NO!!!! Interacting in any way with abusers is a fatal mistake. Do not engage this guy. Continue the humane treatment but understand that he will knock himself out to suck you back into his dark world. And it’s not a compliment or proof of how much he loves you and has changed. These people are evil deep down and staying away from them is the only safe way to be. Even if it was just verbal abuse - it makes no difference. Don’t take the bait — please!!!

[vla1120]

Sorry, but NO!!!! Interacting in any way with abusers is a fatal mistake. Do not engage this guy. Continue the humane treatment but understand that he will knock himself out to suck you back into his dark world. And it’s not a compliment or proof of how much he loves you and has changed. These people are evil deep down and staying away from them is the only safe way to be. Even if it was just verbal abuse - it makes no difference. Don’t take the bait — please!!!

 

I agree with this completely. That’s why I said “No” and never responded back when he said “It’s just a dinner.” With him (or any other manipulator) it’s never “just” anything. I will not be drawn back into his web of deceit and control. No way. One thing I know for certain - he will never change. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with this completely. That’s why I said “No” and never responded back when he said “It’s just a dinner.” With him (or any other manipulator) it’s never “just” anything. I will not be drawn back into his web of deceit and control. No way. One thing I know for certain - he will never change. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself.

 

You’re very wise.

[preraph]

I think you're going to have to give him a set time limit after which he has to have other arrangements, someone else to help him. Home health care, for example. I bet he can qualify for home health care often enough to get him by.

[vla1120]

Aaaannnddd... I just learned from his CT scan on Tuesday that the cancer is growing again, and with a vengeance. The results are still sent to me as his wife and caretaker in their system. He's the only one who can change that, so I don't feel bad for reading them.

 

When I left him in Oct 2016, his cancer advanced from stage III to stage IV. Now, it is advancing again. Last time, he blamed me leaving him for the advancing cancer. Any day now, I expect to be blamed for this, but I don't feel guilt - only pity. I did not cause his cancer. Nor did I cause it to spread. All I can do is research what hospice programs accept my insurance and give him the list so he can make that decision with his doctors.

 

Being a two-time cancer survivor myself, I do have sympathy for this man, but I do not feel love nor guilt any longer. I am a fixer by nature, which is why I am having trouble completely turning my back on someone in his condition. I can lend assistance without being emotionally involved. Whether or not he will accept the assistance without expecting anything more is up to him. Cancer sucks and I don't wish it on anyone. Going through it alone is even harder, but that was his choice. He only had to make a few changes and I would have stayed, but I guess NPDers can't change if they don't acknowledge any faults to begin with.