Anniversary Dinner Invite

[vla1120]

He contacted me a couple days ago, asking for help with some bills (anyone who has dealt with a catastrophic illness has probably experienced the constant contact with the insurance company to cover bills they refused for whatever minor administrative reason the first time around - because an "i" wasn't dotted, or whatever.)

 

He didn't mention his scan results or that the cancer had spread, but asked me to help him establish residency in Washington D.C., where physician assisted death is legal. I told him no. I would not do that, but that I had checked into what hospice facilities (or hospice at home) options are available to him, and if he wanted, we could visit with a few of those places. So that is what we did. Somewhere, the conversation turned to him being alone and that being my fault and how I am a bad person and he is "not the only person who thinks so." (When he tells me I am a bad, unreliable person, I remind him that of all the people I have ever known in my life, he is the ONLY person who thinks so.) I told him anyone in his family who he has poisoned against me does not count because either they only know his side or they are only mad at me because now he is their problem - and besides - I don't care! I know the truth.

 

All in all, it was an exhausting few hours I spent with him. Luckily, I got to come home to my peaceful house and spend the rest of the day as I wished.

 

Some days I feel sorry for him. Some days I feel a little guilty that I could not uphold my vows "'til death do us part". Some days I feel like I dodged a bullet (literally.) Most days, the whole situation just sucks, especially for him. I would never wish it on anyone and no one should have to go through it alone, then I remember he would not be going through it alone if he had not forced me to choose between him and my daughters (among everything else.)

 

This is me, just venting to the cloud.

[FMW]

That's a really hard situation to be in OP, I'm sure you have a million emotions that pop up unexpectedly from time to time.

 

It sounds like you are handling things as well as can be expected. I hope posting here helps relieve a little pent up stress for you.

[bathtub-row]

I think you’re doing as well as can be expected in this screwed up situation. I mean, the guy doesn’t even have the decency to acknowledge what a jerk he’s been. That alone speaks volumes. Most people in his situation would be grateful for what you’ve done so far and be honest enough to admit where they went wrong and how they drove you away. But, instead, he blames you.

 

If it had been me, I would’ve sent him to Washington... ?

[vla1120]

I think you’re doing as well as can be expected in this screwed up situation. I mean, the guy doesn’t even have the decency to acknowledge what a jerk he’s been. That alone speaks volumes. Most people in his situation would be grateful for what you’ve done so far and be honest enough to admit where they went wrong and how they drove you away. But, instead, he blames you.

 

If it had been me, I would’ve sent him to Washington... ?

 

You would think at this point in someone's life, they WOULD acknowledge that perhaps some fault lies with them, but that is not the case for NPD and my therapist has told me to get over ever expecting him to "see there err of his ways." It's not going to happen. So I have to be able to assist him with the understanding that, in his eyes, I am a bad person, this is all my fault and I owe him more than I can ever repay in terms of helping him.

 

For Washington to work, I would have to rent an apartment in his name for at least 6 months, then after six months, find a doctor and make a series of appointments. Plus, I just found out only two doctors have registered for the program in the year and a half since its inception. It would be too cost-prohibitive. I would rather put him on a plane to Greece and let his family take care of him.

 

He just texted me asking what I am doing. Ugh. I know he is trying to endear himself to me (while still letting me know I am evil personified. ) It's time to set boundaries. Half way around the globe MIGHT be far enough away, or maybe not. I can do this. I am in control. I've got this.

[bathtub-row]

I see what you’re saying about Washington. I was half kidding anyway. He’s a piece of work, that’s for sure. Greece might be far enough away but I’m sure he won’t suggest that because it makes it more difficult for him to pester you.

 

I guess his disease will put an end to your misery and his one day soon.

[PegNosePete]

Personally in your situation I would stop all interaction with him. You're going WAY above and beyond the call of duty to help him out, and he's thrown it back in your face again and again and again!

 

You're doing more than enough by remaining married, keeping him insured and doing whatever paperwork is necessary for his treatment. It's not your job to visit hospices or homes or anything like that. When he started blaming you and talking rubbish, you should have not said a word, just gone back to your car and left. Let him make his own way home. He sees no consequences to his actions: he thinks it's perfectly fine to unload his problem onto you, and you'll soak them up like a sponge. And you're reinforcing that view by allowing him to do it over and over. So what I would do is CUT all unnecessary chit chat. If the conversation doesn't relate directly to his disease, the insurance or the necessary paperwork then don't engage in it at all.

[Miss Clavel]

One of the things that always came between us was his tight control on money. I have always been the main breadwinner in this relationship. Even when I left, though he has a good amount of money in the bank (the he scrimped and saved from my income and his, when he had one) I paid his rent through the end of his lease at the end of this year. While he should NOT depend on me financially, I know he wants to. Ilhe has threatened to get a lawyer and file for abandonment so I have to pay support to him. I told him the moment he does that, I will file for divorce and he will run the risk of losing health benefits, and I doubt I would have to pay him support because with l the amount of money he has to support himself, he will be fine for some years to come (and I would be entitled to half of that because it was acquired during our 4-yr marriage.)

 

So. Long story short, no. He does not depend on me for support, nor should he, and though I have offered to remain his caregiver during his illness, with him it was either all or nothing, so he chose nothing.

 

you.need.a.lawyer. pronto.

 

he's setting you up to clean you out. and he's got the "cancer sympathy card" going for him as well.

 

they will say he can't work, you have to support him and pay his health care!!

 

run.don't walk to the lawyer.

 

as for anniversary. what anniversary?? his marriage, his cure? wtf?

[vla1120]

Just a quick update - he had been contacting me more lately, texting "good morning", asking if we can get dinner about once a week, asking me if I can help him navigate medical issues he is having from working full time (pain, joint swelling, etc. - he really should not work at all, but making money has always been number one in his life, so he will eventually work himself to death, I am sure.) I have been very up front with him, letting him know I am NOT going back, ever.

 

Yesterday, I asked him what he hopes to achieve by this contact with me. He said "I am alone. I don't know if I have 6 month or 12 months. You are the only person I know who lives near me. I just want to live some moments while I still can." I told him if he is serious about spending quality time, then he can go with me to the cancer support group once a week and if that also includes dinner once in awhile and pleasant conversation, I am okay with that.

 

This is how I am able to cope with leaving a man who has terminal cancer. He is still a human being and, while his own behavior led to him being alone, I wouldn't wish that upon anyone so, as long as he is pleasant and respects my boundaries, I am willing to be his support person. That doesn't mean I won't come out here and vent when he steps out of line, which I am sure he will. It is in his nature to say stupid offensive things without thinking (but now he knows I will get up, walk out, and go home if he offends me.)

[bathtub-row]

It’s understandable and the humane thing to do. I’d do the same thing if I were in your shoes. It’s a temporary situation and when all is said and done, you’ll feel good about yourself for what you did. I hope he has enough sense not to bite the hand that feeds him but I know these guys rarely control their need to humiliate others. Keep venting here if it helps.