Wookin Pa Nub Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Hopefully no judging but I am divorced and was separated for year plus before. I had an affair and continue to see the OW. We are very committed to each other and plan on marriage once her alimony ends. My ex-W obviously hates my gf and thinks her presence negatively impacts our kids. My gf has had very limited time around my kids so far. My gf and I are planning cruise next summer with our kids (her 2 and my 2) and allowing them to bring a friend. Any advice to discuss this trip with my ex-W to put her mind at ease? She can't forbid kids from going on vacation right? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Why are you still calling her your OW?... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted October 2, 2018 Author Share Posted October 2, 2018 Why are you still calling her your OW?... I typically don't but I wanted people to realize my gf was the OW during the separation and divorce who my ex-W hates. It's really a non-issue if I was divorced and going on vacation with gf who I met after divorce but that is not the case in my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Unless there’s something in your divorce decree/coparenting agreement that prevents you from introducing a new partner before XY months/years post-divorce, she has no say. In general, I’d not bring it up yet. Wait and see how things develop. Maybe your ex will calm down in the course of the next half year or so. The trip won’t take place before next year, so no reason to rock the boat just yet. Let her get used to the new woman in your life, without adding more fuel to the fire. You can start talking about it 2-3 months in advance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) If you are travelling with your kids, you would be wise to get your wife to sign a letter saying that she consents to your travel plans. Particularly if you are leaving the country - otherwise, it can be claimed that you are attempting to abduct the children without her consent. Many of my divorced friends get the permission of the other parent - and get that letter signed - before they travel anywhere with their children. Look at the government websites, I’m sure you will find examples of the letter. Why the rush? You say that your girlfriend has spent very little time with your children. Do you really think they will be ready to travel together for a week? That doesn’t sound like it will be a very successful venture. This is not so much judgment as an observation - much of your difficulties have resulted from your ability to delay gratification, take things slowly, and show consideration for your wife and your children.. And yet, here you go again... Edited October 2, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 So...you guys are willing to wait to get married until GF collects her checks from ex husband...but you want to plan a trip with your kids and mistress they barely know and their mother has every reason to hate? Seriously think about how that sounds and there is your answer. I think you should say nothing to Mom about this to keep the peace and hope that things get to a better place in a year. Im not trying to judge and Mom may not have legal say but affairs do a lot of damage to co-parenting relationships, so you’ll have to handle it with kid gloves for awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Much of your difficulties have resulted from your ability to delay gratification, take things slowly, and show consideration for your wife and your children.. And yet, here you go again... Sorry, that should clearly say INABILITY to delay gratification, take things slowly, and be considerate of other people's feelings... Lol. I missed the part about delaying marriage until her alimony ends. Ahh.... Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 How do your kids feel about this? Looking back at your older posts, they're both teenagers now. How do they feel about the OW? Do they know she was the OW? Honestly, given your struggles with just the woman in the context of a normal romantic relationship, I think it's a bit too early to be trying to blend your families just yet. Your kids have been through an ordeal because of your divorce. Why throw them immediately back into the pressure cooker? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 If the cruise you've selected crosses national borders then it's likely you will need to get your ex wife's written permission to take them. This works the other way around too ie if your ex wants to take them off the country you need to give your permission. I don't mean to be offensive but given your post posts I'm not sure a cruise is the best vacation you could have chosen. You have post after post on this site about your jealousy issues, your GF's suspicious behaviors, the way she acts with men, my God three was even one about an open showe gel bottle making you suspect cheating. But the biggest problem you have is her clothing, or lack of it as the case may be, and your extreme jealousy. So where do you pick for a nice to know you vaycay? A cruise, somewhere hot I'm thinking where your GF will be wearing her bikinis (absolutely nothing wrong with that), you'll be getting the obligatory jealous and in the meantime both sets of kids are stuck on a boat they can't get off. BTW, Have your kids even met or was that also supposed to be their first meeting? I'm not saying don't go on vacation with your children but start small. How about a city break for a long weekend, or a visit to the shore or the countryside depending on where you live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted October 3, 2018 Author Share Posted October 3, 2018 Why the rush? You say that your girlfriend has spent very little time with your children. Do you really think they will be ready to travel together for a week? That doesn’t sound like it will be a very successful venture. I am taking it very slow with kids and my gf. My son is very comfortable around my gf and gets along with her daughter that is same age. My daughter is a bit more independent and been slow to spend time with gf. I am not rushing it with her. Over the next year, I assume my gf will be spending more and more time with us and by next summer, my kids will feel more than comfortable going on vacation with her and her kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted October 3, 2018 Author Share Posted October 3, 2018 How do your kids feel about this? Looking back at your older posts, they're both teenagers now. How do they feel about the OW? Do they know she was the OW? Honestly, given your struggles with just the woman in the context of a normal romantic relationship, I think it's a bit too early to be trying to blend your families just yet. Your kids have been through an ordeal because of your divorce. Why throw them immediately back into the pressure cooker? It's a year away and my son is very comfortable around gf. It will be two plus years since kids new I was seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Just because your gf is legally "entitled" to the alimony does not mean it is right for her to take it when she is starting a new life with you. Can't you and your girlfriend come up with enough money to support her yourself, especially since you plan to marry her? You said your daughter is not as quick to accept the gf as your son. You don't think a forced "family" vacation will build resentment? Right now, you should be doing what is in the best interest of your children, not a woman who won't even marry you because her ex-husband's money is more important than her relationship with you. I hope that didn't come off as judgmental - it's just how I see the situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 (edited) Have the kids ever met met or spent any significant amount of time together? I'm not saying don't plan a getaway but a cruise for a full week where there is no easy exit may not be the best first vacation. YMMV Edited October 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 I don't blame her for not wanting to give up her support. If SHE has not caught up to her potential because her ex and she decided she would raise their family, this is what she's entitled to. And I'm coming from a spot of getting 0 support. I'm fine with it. I knew I never wanted to give up my career as tempting as it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Tristian Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 This thread isn't really long enough to have forgotten the first post already. This thread is about planning a vacation with his and his girlfriends kids. Those wishing to analyze his GF or the affair will be considered off topic. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 I think locking everyone on a boat - teenagers who may not be thilled to have "step Brothers and sisters" not to mention a new step dad or mom, plus a pissed off bio mom at home probably isn't the best bet. Maybe go somewhere - where you can always schedule an early flight home if it all goes to hell. Or where the kids don't have to share a cramped cabin etc. And it's hard not to comment on the alimony part.... Waiting till it runs out to marry. Goodness, I am sure her ex and that whole family is just thrilled with the situation also. I say, like I have said before, pump the breaks. You are asking your family to accept a lot of things that will be difficult for them in the name of your romai life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 Hopefully no judging but I am divorced and was separated for year plus before. I had an affair and continue to see the OW. We are very committed to each other and plan on marriage once her alimony ends. My ex-W obviously hates my gf and thinks her presence negatively impacts our kids. My gf has had very limited time around my kids so far. My gf and I are planning cruise next summer with our kids (her 2 and my 2) and allowing them to bring a friend. Any advice to discuss this trip with my ex-W to put her mind at ease? She can't forbid kids from going on vacation right? I don't think this trip is a great idea. Your ex-wife probably can't forbid you from taking the kids UNLESS: * you have a specific decree in your custody order that says so * she gets upset about finding out about the cruise and manages to get the custody order changed to block it And particularly if the cruise is going somewhere that would need a passport, she may be able to file legal paperwork to block that, especially if she has enough lead time. But how long a cruise are we talking here? You're talking about trapping a whole bunch of kids together in a small space, and depending on the specific cruise and the ages of the kids, cruises can actually be very boring. Your girlfriend has spent very little time with your kids. I assume your kids and her kids have spent even less time together. What if any combination of these people don't get along? They can't get very far away from each other on a cruise ship... but they may try, and the two of you may struggle to keep a whole herd of kids under control. It sounds like you're throwing everyone into the deep end and hoping that they either bond as a family or murder each other. That may not be the wisest gamble. I know you have to plan cruises well in advance but I think you'd be better off delaying this one until everyone knows each other better and you have a better sense of how well they'd get along in close quarters. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 There is virtually no way to present this to the ex-W to get her to be ok with it. Sorry. You're just going to have to be OK with her not being ok with her life choices. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 Hopefully no judging but I am divorced and was separated for year plus before. I had an affair and continue to see the OW. We are very committed to each other and plan on marriage once her alimony ends. My ex-W obviously hates my gf and thinks her presence negatively impacts our kids. My gf has had very limited time around my kids so far. My gf and I are planning cruise next summer with our kids (her 2 and my 2) and allowing them to bring a friend. Any advice to discuss this trip with my ex-W to put her mind at ease? She can't forbid kids from going on vacation right? No advice other than well, just tell her; she can't forbid the kids to go on holiday with you. As an aside, are you seriously planning a cruise with 4 kids + 1 friend each? Never mind the ex-wife, going away with 8 teenagers would be enough to give me night sweats. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 No advice other than well, just tell her; she can't forbid the kids to go on holiday with you. If he is taking them out of the country, she can call law enforcement and tell them that he is abducting her children. I doubt they will make the boarding call... So yes, she can forbid the children to go on a holiday with him... Whether she chooses to be that vindictive, or some may say protective, remains to be seen... Link to post Share on other sites
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