New guy giving mixed signals

[hope18]

*I also posted something similar under the dating forum but figured I would try here as it was getting views but no responses, I apologize admins if this is against the rules, feel free to delete one of the threads if it is *

 

Hey everyone! It's been so long since I've been on here, for those of you who remember my previous posts roughly a year ago as I was going through a rough breakup. A year later I can happily say that I took months off for soul searching, healing, and learning to be 100% happy without a man.

 

The best things happen when you least expect them, right? Flash forward to today, and I've been seeing this guy from my college for about a month. We talked over the summer via instagram after finding out we live near eachother and would be going to the same school. The first time we met in person, my heart screamed "oh sh*t" as soon as I saw him (in a good way). It was like something clicked, I don't know how else to describe it. Anyways, we basically started seeing each other a lot, but at the same time we're taking things slow. He waited almost two weeks to even kiss me which was refreshing. He would hangout with me every free minute he had, even if it was just to come over and take a nap with me. However, there are a few things that bother me and I've been keeping in the back of my mind. He has never had a girlfriend before so I don't think he quite knows how to act all of the time. For example, in private he acts like I'm his girlfriend, holding my hand, cuddling, kissing my forehead etc. However, whenever we hangout with friends I may as well just be a friend to him even though he sticks closest to my side. He also hasn't put much effort into getting to know my life outside of college. He doesn't show any interest in meeting my mom when she comes up this weekend which could also just be because of how soon it is. He also has trouble expressing his emotions with words. The last time I heard him say how he felt about me was almost a month ago when he told me he liked me. Since, then, the only reassurance has been through actions, up until two days ago. Suddenly as of Sunday the goodnight/good morning texts have stopped and he still talks to me throughout the day just not nearly as much as he had been and much less flirty. We've hardly hung out unless we run into each other out of luck at breakfast (he's always going alone though and sits with me once he sees me so it's not like he's just hanging with other people). I was freaking out that something had changed for him until last night he couldn't hangout and told me how stressed he is this week. It's midterm week and he has a 7 page paper to write by Sunday, 2 exams, a group project, on top of basketball practice, classes and 3 other clubs. I try to reassure him and make him feel better, I even do favors for him here and there like reminding him to print something and I'm lucky if I even get a thanks. I just wish he would make me feel a little more... appreciated? One thing that also bothered me was when I was really stressed last week about an exam, he wasn't the best at comforting me. He listened, but that was about it. When I ran into him at breakfast this morning and told him I did really well on the test, he didn't really say anything and I can't help but compare his response to previous guys in my life who would have hugged me (he's also not really a hugger) and told me they were proud of me and knew I could do it. I plan on talking to him this weekend once his stressful week is over, the last thing I want to do is push him away. I'm going to make it clear that I am not pressuring him to commit to a relationship right now, I just want to know where his head is at and if we're headed in that direction. And if we are headed in that direction, I want to talk about the things that are bothering me without coming off as needy and bossing him around/telling him what to do. I care about him a lot more than I expected to so soon. If I didn't know some of this behavior was just from how he handles stress, I would be much more concerned than I am. It's the little things he does that reassure me, like asking how my day was or slow dancing with me in his room to a song that came on while watching Me Before You, or kissing my forehead and playing with my hands when I'm "asleep". He's a great guy and has a lot of the basics down, but I think because he's never had a girlfriend before he needs to be "shown" how to do it properly and how talking to me is different than talking to one of his friends. Any advice??

Edited October 3, 2018 by hope18
note to admins

[PRW]

Anyways, we basically started seeing each other a lot, but at the same time we're taking things slow.

 

We will see that this is not what happened... It is also a contradicting statement,...you cannot "see each other a lot" and at the same time "take things slow".

 

He waited almost two weeks to even kiss me which was refreshing.

It may be refreshing, but it also means he is not confident.

 

He would hangout with me every free minute he had, even if it was just to come over and take a nap with me.

That is not "taking it slow"

 

He has never had a girlfriend before so I don't think he quite knows how to act all of the time.

Correct. He doesn't know what he is doing. But you both are young and still in school, so you aren't expected to really know what you are doing. A guy like this would be easily OVERWHELMED.

 

For example, in private he acts like I'm his girlfriend, holding my hand, cuddling, kissing my forehead etc. However, whenever we hangout with friends I may as well just be a friend to him even though he sticks closest to my side.

That is called a lack of confidence and being OVERWHELMED. I consider that to be expected of a kid in school with not a lot of dating experience. He can function when alone and things are quiet, but he can not function in a crowd.

 

He also hasn't put much effort into getting to know my life outside of college. He doesn't show any interest in meeting my mom when she comes up this weekend

That is not "taking it slow"

 

He also has trouble expressing his emotions with words.

Expected.

 

The last time I heard him say how he felt about me was almost a month ago when he told me he liked me. Since, then, the only reassurance has been through actions,

Expected.

 

Actions speak better than words for someone like him. Particularly if he is overwhelmed

 

Suddenly as of Sunday the goodnight/good morning texts have stopped and he still talks to me throughout the day just not nearly as much as he had been and much less flirty. We've hardly hung out unless we run into each other out of luck at breakfast (he's always going alone though and sits with me once he sees me so it's not like he's just hanging with other people). I was freaking out that something had changed for him until last night he couldn't hangout and told me how stressed he is this week.

He is overwhelmed. He is getting buried by the stress of school and the stress of his social life,...a social life that he hasn't had the time or the guidance to know how to build up his skills for.

 

One thing that also bothered me was when I was really stressed last week about an exam, he wasn't the best at comforting me. He listened, but that was about it.

He is emotionally fried, he doesn't have anything left to give you. You are sucking him dry.

 

I want to talk about the things that are bothering me without coming off as needy and bossing him around/telling him what to do.

That is not possible. It WILL be a combination of needy and bossy. No way around that. So don't pile all that on top of what he is already feeling

 

I care about him a lot more than I expected to so soon.

You need to learn emotional control as well, but the opposite of him. He needs to learn to boost it and you need to learn to dial it back. Edited October 3, 2018 by PRW

[hope18]

You need to learn emotional control as well, but the opposite of him. He needs to learn to boost it and you need to learn to dial it back.

 

I agree with this, I know I can be very needy when it comes to verbal reassurance simply because my exes were always over the top mushy and emotional so I kind of set that as the norm for myself and began to love that reassurance. This guy is the opposite and I haven't expressed any of this to him for the very reason that I know he is overwhelmed and that I need to lower my expectations especially after only knowing him for a month. I guess the reason I'm thinking so much about the little things is I really do see a relationship with him and I know that a lot of these are basic things that most people expect so it would likely become an issue for me if it did not improve with time.

I also wouldn't be so concerned about it if it wasn't for the sudden shift in the way he talks to me. Yes he still hangs out with me when he has the time every couple of days, but any flirting that was there before is completely gone now and while I think it's due to stress and lack of experience I can't help but become paranoid especially when I really like him. My plan is to see how he is after this stressful week is over and then try to feel out where his head is at. AKA am I just his friends with benefits, does he see this eventually turning into an exclusive thing (I'm in no rush for the relationship label right now) etc.

 

I also would like to emphasize that I have not been pushy or clingy in any way or done anything that would overwhelm him, I've been giving him his space and letting him come to me first when he wants to hangout so that he doesn't feel pressured. I also haven't talked to him about/"demanded" any of this because while I am worried about it, I do know that I need to take a step back and remind myself that while it feels like I've known him for ages, it has only been a month and things could develop over time on their own.

[BaileyB]

Am I just his friends with benefits, does he see this eventually turning into an exclusive thing (I'm in no rush for the relationship label right now) etc.

 

This is the question that you will be asking if you have sex before the "exclusivity talk." If you want to know the answer to this question, wait to have sex until you feel secure in the relationship.

 

It's hard to "take things slow" when you are having sex with the guy... And asking him to meet your mother.

 

Truth is, he is probably very overwhelmed with school. He may be losing interest. Of, the excitement of the "infatuation stage" of the relationship is wearing off... probably also because he is overwhelmed with school. You won't know the answer to this without a little more time and communication.