Not sure if this is an affair.

[blue102]

OK so this is probably a fairly common question here but I'll ask anyway.

 

I'm trying to make sense of what's happening in my marriage. I've been married 15 years to a WONDERFUL guy whom I love. He is perfect in every way. Honestly.

 

But I have been talking to a guy for a few months. Met on a forum and clicked... he's a single guy who's 10 years older than me. I have had chat "friendships" with guys before but never considered them affairs because I wasn't really into the guys like that. I feel differently about this one.

 

I've tried to break it off with him on several occasions because I don't feel quite right about talking to him, since I am so attracted to him. He says we should consider the distance and the circumstances, and say we're just friends. But when I talk to him, it seems like he is considering me as a potential partner. We have so many common interests and shared experiences, and in another life I would marry him in a heartbeat. But I wouldn't give up what I have for him... even though I find my marriage dull and unfulfilling.

 

I know I should break it off with him. I know I'm wasting both of our time by indulging in this "relationship". We talk several times a week and we've spoken on the phone twice for over an hour. He thrills me to no end. And now I feel like we'd both be hurt if I cut ties.

 

I haven't really done anything to feel guilty about, but I do feel slightly guilty and confused.

 

Here's my question: Is this considered an affair? If I don't break up with him then how is this going to play out?

[Marc878]

OK so this is probably a fairly common question here but I'll ask anyway.

 

I'm trying to make sense of what's happening in my marriage. I've been married 15 years to a WONDERFUL guy whom I love. He is perfect in every way. Honestly.

 

But I have been talking to a guy for a few months. Met on a forum and clicked... he's a single guy who's 10 years older than me. I have had chat "friendships" with guys before but never considered them affairs because I wasn't really into the guys like that. I feel differently about this one.

 

I've tried to break it off with him on several occasions because I don't feel quite right about talking to him, since I am so attracted to him. He says we should consider the distance and the circumstances, and say we're just friends. But when I talk to him, it seems like he is considering me as a potential partner. We have so many common interests and shared experiences, and in another life I would marry him in a heartbeat. But I wouldn't give up what I have for him... even though I find my marriage dull and unfulfilling.

 

I know I should break it off with him. I know I'm wasting both of our time by indulging in this "relationship". We talk several times a week and we've spoken on the phone twice for over an hour. He thrills me to no end. And now I feel like we'd both be hurt if I cut ties.

 

How would your husband feel if you continue?

 

I haven't really done anything to feel guilty about, but I do feel slightly guilty and confused.

 

You are involved in an emotional affair. The time you spend in this takes away from you current marriage.

 

Here's my question: Is this considered an affair? If I don't break up with him then how is this going to play out?

 

If your husband was doing this how woul you take it?

[blue102]

If your husband was doing this how woul you take it?

 

I would not like it. But, I actually did tell my husband about this. He said I was feeling guilty for nothing and not to make a big deal out of it. He also knew about my other chat friendships. I think he feels as long as there is no physical intimacy involved it's ok....

[Marc878]

Have you spoken with him how deep this is and the feelings you're having? Many look back and regret sliding down the slippery slope.

 

You're here for a reason.

[BaileyB]

I think the fact that you don’t feel good about it and you have tried to break it off several times says a lot. You admit that you are attracted to him and talking with him “thrills you to no end.” You are here for a reason - you are not comfortable with this situation and you know that you need to end it.

 

If I was your husband, I would not be comfortable with this. To me, you are engaging in an emotional affair.

Edited October 3, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been married 15 years to a WONDERFUL guy whom I love. He is perfect in every way. Honestly.

 

... even though I find my marriage dull and unfulfilling.

 

blue102, pretty obvious connection here. How does one have a "dull and unfulfilling" marriage with a "perfect, WONDERFUL" guy whom you profess to love?

 

Were you more honest with everyone involved, yourself included, you'd have more understanding of your situation and a better idea of where to go from here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WilyWill]

Yes, you're in an emotional affair. If your husband is not good enough for you, have the decency to divorce him.

[Amethyst68]

Ok, to me the test is - is this relationship carried out in secret? I don't mean your husband being aware the OM exists but is there transparency about number and content of texts or emails. Do you discuss them as they are happening, ie content etc? Could your husband go into your phone at any time and not find anything that could be potentially hurtful as a man and your husband.

 

You also say there have been phone calls, were these in private or in front of your husband? I know my friends and I often chat on the phone in front of our partners (much to their dismay), we have nothing to hide you see? I'm not saying every conversation had to be done like this way but if it's hidden then congratulations it's an affair!

 

Lastly I second what Mr Lucky said. I would recommend reading your opening post. There is a big disparity between gushing about your perfect, wonderful husband and then your dull, lacklustre marriage with exciting OM waiting in the wings.

 

BTW I wouldn't discount the distance between you as your OM is urging. Depending on where you you both live and the frequency of traffic between your domiciles you can travel thousands of miles for next to nothing. Hell, if you book at the right time you can literally get tickets for the price of airport taxes (I know, I was lucky to find this out when taking my mother away after my a cancer scare) and as OM is single you wouldn't even have to add in hotel costs......

[kamani]

Have you met him? I am not suggesting to meet him. But these online friendships are much of a fantasy than a reality, whatever common you two may have. Once you see them in person you realise you have nothing in common.

[Phoenician]

OK so this is probably a fairly common question here but I'll ask anyway.

 

I'm trying to make sense of what's happening in my marriage. I've been married 15 years to a WONDERFUL guy whom I love. He is perfect in every way. Honestly.

 

But I have been talking to a guy for a few months. Met on a forum and clicked... he's a single guy who's 10 years older than me. I have had chat "friendships" with guys before but never considered them affairs because I wasn't really into the guys like that. I feel differently about this one.

 

I've tried to break it off with him on several occasions because I don't feel quite right about talking to him, since I am so attracted to him. He says we should consider the distance and the circumstances, and say we're just friends. But when I talk to him, it seems like he is considering me as a potential partner. We have so many common interests and shared experiences, and in another life I would marry him in a heartbeat. But I wouldn't give up what I have for him... even though I find my marriage dull and unfulfilling.

 

I know I should break it off with him. I know I'm wasting both of our time by indulging in this "relationship". We talk several times a week and we've spoken on the phone twice for over an hour. He thrills me to no end. And now I feel like we'd both be hurt if I cut ties.

 

I haven't really done anything to feel guilty about, but I do feel slightly guilty and confused.

 

Here's my question: Is this considered an affair? If I don't break up with him then how is this going to play out?

 

 

SO alarming ,

 

What's wrong with ppl nowadays !

 

I don't want to blame you blue ,

 

don't have even the right to do it , you will blame yourself when you destroy your marriage ....

 

he is definitely not confortable with it if you have a good marriage as you claim , if you have a good marriage , as I said .

 

in such a case he is giving you a room , a place in the backyard so that you don't feel controlled.

 

again if you have a good marriage ( again i say it ) , then he is giving you : TRUST.

 

if you don't have a good marriage ( he doesn't give a damn ...).

 

I will assume that you are given TRUST.

 

what do you want to do with it ?

 

where u want to throw it ?

 

choose the best place ....

 

Life is becoming more complex than it was previously , why ?

 

because quitting is easy ...

 

because we are less responsible ...

 

The answer to your question ,

yes it is cheating , and it will become physical when you meet the guy .

 

don't foul yourself , there is a problem in your marriage somewhere ,

define it , fix it or leave it .

 

what is the problem in your marriage ?

 

be honest to yourself ...

are you more HD than him ?

 

answer yourself .....

not us

[brigit87]

OK so this is probably a fairly common question here but I'll ask anyway.

 

I'm trying to make sense of what's happening in my marriage. I've been married 15 years to a WONDERFUL guy whom I love. He is perfect in every way. Honestly.

 

But I have been talking to a guy for a few months. Met on a forum and clicked... he's a single guy who's 10 years older than me. I have had chat "friendships" with guys before but never considered them affairs because I wasn't really into the guys like that. I feel differently about this one.

 

 

That's all I needed to read. Here is the problem:

 

You're married. Chatting with guys on forums need to be kept at arms distance. You can chat a little but not too much. And once you begin to chat too much you need to cut it off.

 

If you were single it would be different. But you're not.

[Just a Guy]

Hi blue, the next thing we will be hearing from you is that your EA(Emotional Affair) has turned into a PA( Physical Affair) that is, if you even bother to write about it. Maybe your husband will be the one coming to this forum to post his sad story and how his once dutiful and faithful wife has changed into someone he cannot recognize. Maybe then you will be convinced that you are in the throes of a full blown affair. Till then all is hunky dory in your fantasy world where a good girl like you would never dream on cheating on your wonderful lovable husband who, by then would have become a boring, dull and intolerable person and your marriage a living hell. Best of luck to you!

[DKT3]

I would not like it. But, I actually did tell my husband about this. He said I was feeling guilty for nothing and not to make a big deal out of it. He also knew about my other chat friendships. I think he feels as long as there is no physical intimacy involved it's ok....

 

Well the fact that you would not like it the other way is all the answer you need

[Ronni_W]

I've been married 15 years to a WONDERFUL guy whom I love. He is perfect in every way. Honestly.

Just because your husband is a great and 'perfect' guy does not mean that you are necessarily feeling properly 'adequate' or nurtured/appreciated in the marriage.

And it's not at all necessarily on account of any lack from or in your husband.

 

Outside of this guy, where does your inspiration come from? Or, how do you go about nurturing your own desires and passions (interests and hobbies) in life?

 

It really is on you, your responsibility and obligation, to figure out what, exactly and precisely, it is that you feel this guy is fulfilling for you, that you have not asked,

or thought to ask, your 'real life' to fulfill for you.

 

Then, take it from there.

[blue102]

Just because your husband is a great and 'perfect' guy does not mean that you are necessarily feeling properly 'adequate' or nurtured/appreciated in the marriage.

And it's not at all necessarily on account of any lack from or in your husband.

 

Outside of this guy, where does your inspiration come from? Or, how do you go about nurturing your own desires and passions (interests and hobbies) in life?

 

It really is on you, your responsibility and obligation, to figure out what, exactly and precisely, it is that you feel this guy is fulfilling for you, that you have not asked,

or thought to ask, your 'real life' to fulfill for you.

 

Then, take it from there.

 

In a nutshell, I had a rough few years. I went through a terrible depression, gained weight, and had an alcohol problem. It is all resolved now (lost 60 pounds in fact), but I think my husband lost interest in me during that time. He is still wonderful and loyal, but I feel that he views me differently now. We had some trouble last year, but have been working on our marriage. I feel that the passion is lost, and all that's left is commitment.

 

I also have no real shared interests or hobbies with my husband beyond the home stuff. He plays video games and likes to sit on the couch. This other guy is so much like me: he enjoys traveling, hiking and doing things.

 

I married my husband when I was very young, still living at home with my parents. I have changed a lot since I was that age.

[DKT3]

In a nutshell, I had a rough few years. I went through a terrible depression, gained weight, and had an alcohol problem. It is all resolved now (lost 60 pounds in fact), but I think my husband lost interest in me during that time. He is still wonderful and loyal, but I feel that he views me differently now. We had some trouble last year, but have been working on our marriage. I feel that the passion is lost, and all that's left is commitment.

 

I also have no real shared interests or hobbies with my husband beyond the home stuff. He plays video games and likes to sit on the couch. This other guy is so much like me: he enjoys traveling, hiking and doing things.

 

I married my husband when I was very young, still living at home with my parents. I have changed a lot since I was that age.

 

The appeal of "relationships" like this is you can re-invent yourself. Not only that, but you can also take small parts of what you actually know of this guy and create (in your mind) the perfect guy.

 

Most damaging is what you do to your "REAL" relationship as you justify what you're doing by adjusting the true nature of that relationship.

 

Has you husband told you he lost interest? Or could it be your drinking and depression created a need for him to distance himself?

 

Here is the thing, you cant have both. Either you continue and eventually ruin your marriage or you dont. There is no half way.

[Mr. Lucky]

In a nutshell, I had a rough few years. I went through a terrible depression, gained weight, and had an alcohol problem. It is all resolved now (lost 60 pounds in fact), but I think my husband lost interest in me during that time. He is still wonderful and loyal, but I feel that he views me differently now.

 

So he hung in the marriage and supported you through all your issues and attempts to push him away, and his reward is this?

 

Just...wow...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

This sounds so much like cheater speak. Lady, I presume you are not young any more as in, not 20 or 21 years old. As a mature adult you have to take charge of your life. If your current relationship sucks and you cannot tolerate it any more then speak to your husband, tell him you are unhappy and have lost your motivation to stay on. Then file for divorce and go find greener pastures where ever you think they may exist including in the arms of your OM. I think when you started this thread you were perfectly aware of the fact that you were in an EA and yet were asking a question as if you were an innocent little girl. Your real reason I think seems to be that you wanted confirmation from the folks on here that you were correct in thinking the way you were and that poor you had the support of the forum members to go on with your EA as if it was something innocent and just friendly banter between two people of opposite sexes. As I said in my previous post you are quite far down the slippery slope toward a physical affair. Once that happens, the real heavy fog of an affair will settle in and you will become a person you would despise were you to be your old self.

 

Rather than get involved in infidelity just divorce your husband and move on. Either that or make a resolution to work on your marriage with your husband and try and make a success of it. Your current thoughts and emotions are those of an escapist who does not want to deal with the nitty gritty of real life. You have been married to your husband for 15 years and so you should capitalize on that and make a success of it. An affair will only compound the problem and lead you down a path of pain and sorrow. Have you even discussed this matter with your husband? have the two of you attended MC to resolve matters? Do you think you need to attend IC to examine your own faults and flaws? You haven't mentioned any children and the way you have written your posts it appears you do not have any. If you don't have children is it by choice or because of inability on the part of either you or your husband to be able to have children? As a responsible adult you have to make responsible choices. Do not go down the affair path to hell. Wishing you the best.

[brigit87]

 

I also have no real shared interests or hobbies with my husband beyond the home stuff. He plays video games and likes to sit on the couch.

 

This other guy is so much like me: he enjoys traveling, hiking and doing things.

 

Do you really believe this?

 

I don't know either man but I know playing videos is very cheap and traveling is very expensive.

 

Do you think that you'll leave a boring marriage to be with a guy who'll turn you into a Prada wearing jet-setter?

 

You're in for a big surprise.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, blue102.

 

In a nutshell, I had a rough few years. I went through a terrible depression, gained weight, and had an alcohol problem. It is all resolved now (lost 60 pounds in fact), but I think my husband lost interest in me during that time.

 

So, that's what's happening in your marriage; it does make sense how the other guy is filling the gap that came out of all those challenges that put a big strain on your marriage.

(Not that it's helpful to your marriage, only that it makes sense.)

 

Have you been open and honest with your husband about all your thoughts, feelings and concerns that you voiced here? I would offer that that is your place to start.

(To me, if this is or is not an affair isn't the real question, if you and your husband truly want to maintain a mutually happy, fulfilling, constructive marriage.)

 

Where you are feeling a lack of 'passion', from your husband's side, he may be dealing more with having lost respect. Ask him to be honest with you about his deeper feelings.

 

At the end of the day, it may well be that you and your husband have grown so far apart that you're at the point of 'irreconcilable differences'. It happens to the best of people. If this turns out to be the case, though, I'd offer to go through that process before involving yourself with someone new.

 

Best of luck.

[Maraud3r]

Do your husband a favour and divorce him, so he can find someone who actually wants a relationship and is willing to put in the effort and work it takes. Because you are clearly not.

 

You are finding fullfilment in various "friendships" with other men, spending your time and energy on fleeting fancies and short lived romances you justify as "just being friends".

 

You further rationalize your behaviour, by listing of all of your problems whom you supposedly resolved and then shifting blame to your husband for supposedly having lost interest. When it really seems like he stuck with you throughout them and you are the one who lost interest. It's making him out to be the bad guy.

 

Divorce him, stop using him as a secure haven as you go shopping for a new partner or engage in your "romances". Then go meet the other guy and likely find nothing of what you've been told and expect. While at the same time probably disappointing him too as you might not have been entirely honest either.

[blue102]

I need to hear this stuff, thanks all

[DKT3]

I think talk of divorce is premature, I don't think this situation warrants it. I do believe that you need to figure out why you continue to seek out friendships with other men in this fashion. I think one comment in particular is telling, when you said this is the first time you've been physically attracted to one of your special man friends. It kinda indicates you have been putting yourself out there for a long time and you've finally found someone who ticks enough boxes that you've become interested in the next level.

 

Now, if you're conversations with this guy are not conversations you would have in front of your husband then you have already crossed over into emotional affair territory.

 

You say you need to hear this stuff, so what's your next step? Just continue on? if so, it may be time to start thinking about that divorce stuff, I mean you already recognize this is more than friends, so what are you doing? Stopping point, or in a few more months you will be telling us how you didn't go looking for this (a full blown sexual affair) to happen, but if you continue now, that won't be true.

[Jamess1]

End the marriage and cheat already...When your wife starts going to the gym and losing weight, she has already checked-out of the marriage - wives never lose weight or get boob jobs and butt lifts for their husbands, it's for the replacement ..

 

Blue has already ended the marriage in her head-all the excuses is her try to rationalize her behavior and inner motive

 

I have started the count down to the affair and the divorce..