How to stop feeling responsible for everyone??

[Redhead14]

Yes it is unfortunately the case with me too, I had significant trauma during my childhood.

I used to think I was just very talented at helping others and empathising and coming to the realisations you stated was so uncomfortable at first. This ain't no talent. It's a defence, avoidant tactic to push aside my own stuff, like you said.

 

I want to feel more compassion for myself, but its so difficult...I haven't been taking on other people's stuff for a few weeks now and all the spare time this has freed up has got me realising just how much pain there is, when I take away all the distractions. Beneath them all, there really was this raw pain brewing, angrily, waiting to be taken notice of. But dissociating was so much better....this feels bleak, empty, painful, and the world seems so desolete. I'm scared if I carry on allowing this, I'll go crazy.

How can I feel empathy for myself? If I heard my story through anyone else, I definitely would. But when I think of my pain, my reactions, my story, I feel pathetic and shame.

And today I had a huge setback. I felt so desperate after my bad dreams, I rang my sister, who had always been a huge recepient of my empathy and energy over the years until about a year ago when I couldn't do it anymore. She reacted furiously back then towards my change in behaviour and seems to still be holding this resentment at the loss of all that help she was used to.

I hadn't contacted her for a while, as our relationship is so destructive, but I lost all rational thought this morning.

 

She ended up saying bizarre things like 'this is one-sided that you want me to listen when you never want to' and insisting that I'm selfish because I don't want to listen to my crazy family's stuff (the same family that inflicted all the childhood trauma, which she is WELL aware of). I got so mad I gave her a detailed analysis of all the dates, people, events involved in all the problems of hers that I'd listened to for hours on end, and asked her if she would like a printed report and analysis and tally chart of whose problems got listened to on what dates. Then she reverted to saying 'i didn't say its one-sided' (THOSE WERE HER EXACT WORDS PRIOR TO MY REPLY?!???) - this to me reminds me of the definition of gaslighting.

I am NOT mad, I am NOT insane, my ears work perfectly fine, she had SAID THE EXACT WORDS 'this is one-sided'.

 

And now I'm angry at myself for reverting to an old habit and turning to the wrong person which effectively made the situation worse.

 

 

Don't be mad, just be mindful of reverting and trying not to turn to old habits. When an alcoholic or drug addict falls off the wagon, they try to get back on it if they are dedicated to recovery. The realize they will sometimes go backward. Be kind to yourself and understanding for yourself.

 

 

And, I will tell you that gaslighting is a very confusing and damaging tool of manipulation to people who are susceptible and tolerant of it.

[starlight8]

Don't be mad, just be mindful of reverting and trying not to turn to old habits. When an alcoholic or drug addict falls off the wagon, they try to get back on it if they are dedicated to recovery. The realize they will sometimes go backward. Be kind to yourself and understanding for yourself.

 

 

And, I will tell you that gaslighting is a very confusing and damaging tool of manipulation to people who are susceptible and tolerant of it.

 

It really is.

I didn't clock on until about 2 years ago that she does it. She actually rewrites history and insists that she hasn't done things that she had done, or hasn't said things that she did say, and then tries to convince YOU of intentions and words you never had or said.

It used to work and I'd feel so confused, guilty, ashamed and not even know why.

Then a therapist one day said very casually 'have you ever considered that her words aren't the truth, the be all and end all, the absolute holy grail?' and from there opened my eyes.

That was the day I started questioning.

 

And now its time to carry on, with this path. You're right, I can get back on the path and continue. For some reason, it feels more reassuring and plausible when someone else states it and backs me up

Thank you all and apologies for turning this thread into a semi-journal, its helping to dump all these thoughts however.

[Beachead]

It really is.

I didn't clock on until about 2 years ago that she does it. She actually rewrites history and insists that she hasn't done things that she had done, or hasn't said things that she did say, and then tries to convince YOU of intentions and words you never had or said.

It used to work and I'd feel so confused, guilty, ashamed and not even know why.

Then a therapist one day said very casually 'have you ever considered that her words aren't the truth, the be all and end all, the absolute holy grail?' and from there opened my eyes.

That was the day I started questioning.

 

And now its time to carry on, with this path. You're right, I can get back on the path and continue. For some reason, it feels more reassuring and plausible when someone else states it and backs me up

Thank you all and apologies for turning this thread into a semi-journal, its helping to dump all these thoughts however.

 

Don't apologize. This's what the thread is there for. As long as you are learning and getting better, that's what matters.

 

- Beach

[starlight8]

Don't apologize. This's what the thread is there for. As long as you are learning and getting better, that's what matters.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you For some reason, this already is starting to feel like my own private plot of safety. Thanks to everyone who has replied, it really does help to come back and read over posts when doubts creep in.

 

Today has been better. I woke up after a bad sleep and just reminded myself it's nothing more than my brain in a confused state over the new changes, and did not beat myself up over it. I went into work where one of my colleagues asked me to join her for a coffee and we really bonded, we spoke for a few hours that seemed to pass by in no time. Turns out she has a very similar past and struggle and is on a very similar journey! But what was nice was that, at first I was worried it'd turn into something draining if I got involved in 'deep chats' but it turned out to be the opposite...we were both able to laugh at our crazy stories and offer shared understanding and it made me feel more able to empathise with my own struggles talking to someone who understands. Plus, it wasn't a one-way street, which is usually how it is with the drainer people who soak up my energy. I left feeling energised and even happy.

 

Let's see what happens next...I'm always sort of not expecting anything now, all this is new territory still. But hey, you gotta enjoy the good when they happen and take them with the bad, right?

[Beachead]

Thank you For some reason, this already is starting to feel like my own private plot of safety. Thanks to everyone who has replied, it really does help to come back and read over posts when doubts creep in.

 

Today has been better. I woke up after a bad sleep and just reminded myself it's nothing more than my brain in a confused state over the new changes, and did not beat myself up over it. I went into work where one of my colleagues asked me to join her for a coffee and we really bonded, we spoke for a few hours that seemed to pass by in no time. Turns out she has a very similar past and struggle and is on a very similar journey! But what was nice was that, at first I was worried it'd turn into something draining if I got involved in 'deep chats' but it turned out to be the opposite...we were both able to laugh at our crazy stories and offer shared understanding and it made me feel more able to empathise with my own struggles talking to someone who understands. Plus, it wasn't a one-way street, which is usually how it is with the drainer people who soak up my energy. I left feeling energised and even happy.

 

Let's see what happens next...I'm always sort of not expecting anything now, all this is new territory still. But hey, you gotta enjoy the good when they happen and take them with the bad, right?

 

That's good. That's the thing I learned to. This is a learning curve and feeling out process of what works for you and what doesn't on your journey to get better. You're going to make mistakes, you're going to hit a wall and feel like you had a massive set back. Sometimes, you'll have a break-through that'll just make your day awesome.

 

Today, you discovered that while you are depleted, not all conversations are bad. Some actually help you. You needed someone to listen to you and hear what you have to say which you hadn't been receiving all this time. I believe this person gave this to you and you soaked it up. So it was positive.

 

Keep going

Edited October 19, 2018 by Beachead

[shydad]

I feel really pathetic.

Hi starlight8, you seem like a pretty amazing person to me. Our society needs more empathy. Having feelings is part of being a human being. I love feeling emotional! Ironically, you want less, but I want more. It's been five days since I was last tearful. A guest speaker at church told a highly personal story of overcoming difficult times. Stuff like that gets me every time. Just thinking of it stirs up emotions. So I guess what you feel pathetic about is something I highly value. Sorry, no advice but I wish I knew people like you.

[Redhead14]

It really is.

I didn't clock on until about 2 years ago that she does it. She actually rewrites history and insists that she hasn't done things that she had done, or hasn't said things that she did say, and then tries to convince YOU of intentions and words you never had or said.

It used to work and I'd feel so confused, guilty, ashamed and not even know why.

Then a therapist one day said very casually 'have you ever considered that her words aren't the truth, the be all and end all, the absolute holy grail?' and from there opened my eyes.

That was the day I started questioning.

 

And now its time to carry on, with this path. You're right, I can get back on the path and continue. For some reason, it feels more reassuring and plausible when someone else states it and backs me up

Thank you all and apologies for turning this thread into a semi-journal, its helping to dump all these thoughts however.

 

 

You do have a good understanding of your "difficulty" and you have insight. Support is a good thing, but the support you can give yourself is the best. It seems that you simply don't trust your gut and insight, etc. Rely on that a little more. The ability to trust one's gut and have and use insight gets "diluted" as a child when there has been trauma or poor support from parents/family, friends. If you didn't have a good support system as a child or had been made to feel less valuable or unloved, etc., you never received validation or confirmation or education about whether what you do or think is good or bad or right or wrong. You are an adult now with a little more independent experience and insight and exposure. Trust yourself more and defend/protect yourself and take some power back for yourself.

 

Helping and feeling for others really is a good thing as long as you don't exhaust yourself doing it. The truth is that you can't really help anyone if you aren't taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally and mentally. It's kind of like flying with a child. If there is an emergency and the oxygen masks drop, the parents are reminded to put on their own mask first and then the child's. You can't help the child if you are hypoxic.

[starlight8]

That's good. That's the thing I learned to. This is a learning curve and feeling out process of what works for you and what doesn't on your journey to get better. You're going to make mistakes, you're going to hit a wall and feel like you had a massive set back. Sometimes, you'll have a break-through that'll just make your day awesome.

 

Today, you discovered that while you are depleted, not all conversations are bad. Some actually help you. You needed someone to listen to you and hear what you have to say which you hadn't been receiving all this time. I believe this person gave this to you and you soaked it up. So it was positive.

 

Keep going

 

Thank you you have a very amazing way of articulating well the intricacies involved in 'people' problems. I very much admire (and appreciate!) it.

 

...Reading that back has just given me an OMG moment. All the things I said I feel pathetic about....these are the things people have often complimented me on in the same way I just complimented you on. And I don't see it as pathetic at all! I'm not saying you're out of balance with your empathy currently like I am, BUT....I've been feeling for a while like the problem is just me in every way that I am.

 

Anyway that was a tangent, haha.

A little bit of progress report: yesterday I actually felt like I could go out and socialise and not in that 'now I'm refreshed I'm ready to take on everybody's problems on again, wooooo!' but more: I want to be out of the house and get a change of scene. And it was really good, lots of laughter, and did the job perfectly.

I got back and felt refreshed and like I'd had a break from ruminating over my problems. I still struggle with that fine line between allowing myself to feel what I feel vs ruminating (very toxic). So that helped with that.

 

And today, an old friend messaged me who had been one of the first to mention to me this idea of 'empaths' and the problems they can face and she'd reckoned I was one. I'd always first like I could completely be 'me' in her company, and being 'me' in her company felt accepted, welcomed and like its a good thing. I realised I really wanted to see her and she asked if it could be another day or is today more pressing. A first i automatically went towards replying 'no its fine, whenever is good for you' but then I thought, actually, I'm feeling like I really could do with seeing her today. So I was honest even though I felt a bit bad about it and asked her if it could be today, preferably and if she is able to.

I'm really glad I did that, we had an amazing evening. The kind where life feels 'in flow'.....or maybe its just one of the few times I experience being me and its safe, its an okay thing, haha I don't know.

Anyway she turned up with beautiful flowers and chocolates as she knew I'd been going through a hard time and said they were to cheer me up. I had just as good a time as the other day with my colleague.

 

And then on the way home, I found bank note on the street blowing in the wind haha which made me feel lucky. Ha!

 

All in all, a very nice weekend so far! And I'm glad to have kept to practising new things in those small, subtle ways/interactions. Really does make the difference, as I think you mentioned before!

[starlight8]

Hi starlight8, you seem like a pretty amazing person to me. Our society needs more empathy. Having feelings is part of being a human being. I love feeling emotional! Ironically, you want less, but I want more. It's been five days since I was last tearful. A guest speaker at church told a highly personal story of overcoming difficult times. Stuff like that gets me every time. Just thinking of it stirs up emotions. So I guess what you feel pathetic about is something I highly value. Sorry, no advice but I wish I knew people like you.

 

Thank you this is very lovely! Today, I actually believe your words and feel they are true. It feels like a nice thing to be me today, haha. Wish this could be everyday but hey, the road is still rocky yet.

 

Also it made me giggle where you said you want more and I want less. You can have some of my surplus emotional abilities if you like - just need to invent a way to transfer them over there must be a way hehe, since energy can only ever be transferred and never created or destroyed right...and emotional energy is a thing, right?! A type of energy? Well, in my mind it is haha.

 

This just got me thinking: if energy cannot be created or destroyed, and emotional stuff IS a form of energy, are we always just dealing with whatever has been 'transferred' over to us from whoever we last dealt with...and that which they transferred over had been transferred to them from the last person they dealt with etc....in a way, it makes sense.

For example, angry person injures himself, ends up in waiting role of the emergency department. He lashes out at receptionist. She then has a negative attitude towards her colleague and makes a snappy remark. That colleague happens to be a nurse who then gets annoyed at being snapped at, and takes out her annoyance on a patient by being impatient with them. That patient is upset and angry at not being listened to, so then pops off at a doctor about how 'all healthcare staff are horrible and selfish and the healthcare system is not worth its salt.

 

Hmmm....but people who have good self-esteem, and who are healthy and happy and resilient generally do not get so easily affected by actions of others.

 

So maybe my theory is flawed haha.

 

I don't know, I'm rambling now. Need to go to sleep. Sorry to anyone who has read this far for subjecting you to my babbling

[shydad]

Hi starlight8, it's a fact that emotions are contagious, just like how you mentioned with the anger. I feel energized when I listen to passionate people, such as some teachers, and pretty much anyone in a TED talk. I come to this forum for a variety of reasons, but one of the selfish reasons is to hopefully stumble across positive stories, especially love stories, but examples of your compassion and empathy too. I guess it's rather overwhelming for you, but I do like hearing about people who care for others. It's cool...

[Redhead14]

Thank you you have a very amazing way of articulating well the intricacies involved in 'people' problems. I very much admire (and appreciate!) it.

 

...Reading that back has just given me an OMG moment. All the things I said I feel pathetic about....these are the things people have often complimented me on in the same way I just complimented you on. And I don't see it as pathetic at all! I'm not saying you're out of balance with your empathy currently like I am, BUT....I've been feeling for a while like the problem is just me in every way that I am.

 

Anyway that was a tangent, haha.

A little bit of progress report: yesterday I actually felt like I could go out and socialise and not in that 'now I'm refreshed I'm ready to take on everybody's problems on again, wooooo!' but more: I want to be out of the house and get a change of scene. And it was really good, lots of laughter, and did the job perfectly.

I got back and felt refreshed and like I'd had a break from ruminating over my problems. I still struggle with that fine line between allowing myself to feel what I feel vs ruminating (very toxic). So that helped with that.

 

And today, an old friend messaged me who had been one of the first to mention to me this idea of 'empaths' and the problems they can face and she'd reckoned I was one. I'd always first like I could completely be 'me' in her company, and being 'me' in her company felt accepted, welcomed and like its a good thing. I realised I really wanted to see her and she asked if it could be another day or is today more pressing. A first i automatically went towards replying 'no its fine, whenever is good for you' but then I thought, actually, I'm feeling like I really could do with seeing her today. So I was honest even though I felt a bit bad about it and asked her if it could be today, preferably and if she is able to.

I'm really glad I did that, we had an amazing evening. The kind where life feels 'in flow'.....or maybe its just one of the few times I experience being me and its safe, its an okay thing, haha I don't know.

Anyway she turned up with beautiful flowers and chocolates as she knew I'd been going through a hard time and said they were to cheer me up. I had just as good a time as the other day with my colleague.

 

And then on the way home, I found bank note on the street blowing in the wind haha which made me feel lucky. Ha!

 

All in all, a very nice weekend so far! And I'm glad to have kept to practising new things in those small, subtle ways/interactions. Really does make the difference, as I think you mentioned before!

 

I'd had a break from ruminating over my problems. - Thinking about problems and ruminating are different. Ruminating is unproductive "thinking". Just "thinking" about them and considering what you can and should do about the problems is better. Some people find that making a block of time each day while the issues are bothering them the most, say for 1/2 and hour, and then making themselves do other things after is helpful. Give yourself time to think but force yourself to move on. Over time, they find they need less and less time to do that. It looks like you just broke through this ruminating spate and realized the importance of making yourself do something else

 

I'm refreshed I'm ready to take on everybody's problems on again, wooooo!' - It's good that you are feeling refreshed, but just as when someone has been sick with the flu or something, we usually tell them not to take on too much as soon as they think they are better. They still need to take it somewhat easy and not jump into things right away. Give yourself a little breathing room from "helping" people at least for a couple of days.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better though. Keep your life balanced. Give some time to others who need help and give yourself some time to recharge your own batteries in between. Be as good to yourself as you are to others. It's OK to have boundaries and take care of your own needs when necessary.

[starlight8]

Things seem to have gone...weird.

 

I kind of feel like I've lost my identity. I'm second guessing every interaction I have now and questioning everything. If someone is talking to me at work, or my housemates, I'm non stop thinking and stressing about whether I'm responding in the correct way that is good for myself, am I getting too involved, or not involved enough, what is enough, should I steer the conversation myself....I don't know if this even makes sense.

 

And there is this really lovely guy who I've been getting to know but its stressing me out and I don't want to hurt him but at the same time I don't know what I want and I really do enjoy his company but I don't want to get attached and I know he is somewhat similar to me in that he is very very kind and sometimes he gets taken advantage of from the sounds of things and being around that sometimes annoys me because its like a direct reflection of myself and it makes me feel so annoyed at the reflection I get back.

 

I don't know, I feel like I can't think straight and I'm very confused.

My old way of being was horribly exhausting and unworkable in the long run but...it was 'me' and familiar and felt more certain. This feels really weird. I'm beginning to miss being in touch with an old romantic flame too, who was more dismissive at times and not very emotionally available a lot of the time. It feels like everything is going downhill and I'm never going to get it right.

 

Is it really possible to just forge a new you?

[GinON]

Things seem to have gone...weird.

 

 

Is it really possible to just forge a new you?

 

I am sorry I haven't read this whole thread, but this last question is something I feel I can address.

 

I think that you can, and it may be awkward for a while. I dont mean 100% different but with real work, and quality instruction or coaching you can change how your brain responds to things quite a bit. You can keep your personal identity and over a year +/- of constant work you can find yourself surprised at how you have changed. I have found myself responding to events in ways I never would have before recently. I am actually confused as to why I would have once been upset by some things. Now they are either funny or just non events and I can't even describe to other people why I had my old insecure emotions. I have lost the ability to feel that way... Thankfully!!!

 

I have found that setting a few goals and focusing on them works for me but knowing why the unwanted behavior is there is very important. You may need a hard catalyst to find the dedication to do this though, its not easy work. It takes longer than you think, creates lot of opportunities for self pity and shame but if you have a counselor or maybe a therapy group, they can help guide you.

 

When you start coming out the other end, you feel tiny chinks in your protective armor and a little bit of success lets you know you can get better! There are set backs but they tend to be followed by bigger steps forward. It can be scary because you begin to feel out of your element but keep forging ahead.

I personally have a long way to go to meet my goals but I have felt significant changes over the last 3 months. I have been working on myself for years, but a recent catalyst forced the issue 6+ months ago. I probably dedicate 3+ hours a day to this listening to audio books, coaches, reading books and doing workbooks along with counseling.

 

That was a bit longer than I expected but I hope its encouraging.

[shydad]

Is it really possible to just forge a new you?

Oh my heavens, YES! It simply requires enough motivation, where you are compelled to change. Decide who you want to be and make it your primary focus. Take steps to achieve that change. Keep trying, and try all sorts of different things which could get you to where you want to be.

 

What's going downhill? If you have a love interest, isn't that good? I find that if my thoughts are unclear, it's best to wait before taking any action. It's ok to take time to think about things. This is pretty important in a work environment.

[starlight8]

Oh my heavens, YES! It simply requires enough motivation, where you are compelled to change. Decide who you want to be and make it your primary focus. Take steps to achieve that change. Keep trying, and try all sorts of different things which could get you to where you want to be.

 

What's going downhill? If you have a love interest, isn't that good? I find that if my thoughts are unclear, it's best to wait before taking any action. It's ok to take time to think about things. This is pretty important in a work environment.

 

Yeah it would be a good thing, but I'm not in the right frame of mind for it, I don't think. And even if I was, I sense he is not right for me as he seems to be a pretty nervous sort of guy, who would require quite a lot of input to become confident.

I've backed off anyway.

Life is really painful right now. I'm not being who I was for an extended period and its making me realise how much of the old me wasn't me at all, but rather, a body of work I subconsciously constructed to make life less painful. Help and focus on others to avoid my own pain. Now I'm not being that, all my years of accumulated pain is coming to the surface. I deal with one thing, then another and another comes up. Thank god therapy started in time. This is so overwhelming.

The latest thing is I start panicking and get depressed when I walk past schools/school children/families because it brings it all back. Feeling **** for most of my childhood. Being depressed in school and covering it up by studying. Books were my escapism. I could never just be, I had to always escape my own feelings. I'm scared, I'm really scared. I feel like the child me has been brought back to life after going into hiding.

 

Does this mean I'm crazy? Mentally unhinged?

[shydad]

Does this mean I'm crazy? Mentally unhinged?

I don't really believe in crazy. Mental health is real, and we can take care of our mental health just like we can take care of our physical health. Having a therapist shows that you care and want to see positive changes. Therapists can provide positive, life changing guidance. This reflects well upon your character, in my book. (And I mention this because of social stigma. I have no idea what your feelings on it are.)

 

Going to the school issues...well, I've been there too! Being bullied constantly for six years destroyed my confidence, and has only recently seen remarkable improvement. I honestly was terrified of my ex, who is abusive and vengeful, but now I'm not scared of her anymore. I can see a comparison with, and think I have an understanding to some degree of your feelings about schools, etc. This doesn't make you crazy. You had a bad experience and have feelings associated with that experience. It IS possible to get past this. I did. You can too! You've got your therapist, and the community is here to provide support as well. There are some wonderful people on this forum.

[starlight8]

I don't really believe in crazy. Mental health is real, and we can take care of our mental health just like we can take care of our physical health. Having a therapist shows that you care and want to see positive changes. Therapists can provide positive, life changing guidance. This reflects well upon your character, in my book. (And I mention this because of social stigma. I have no idea what your feelings on it are.)

 

Going to the school issues...well, I've been there too! Being bullied constantly for six years destroyed my confidence, and has only recently seen remarkable improvement. I honestly was terrified of my ex, who is abusive and vengeful, but now I'm not scared of her anymore. I can see a comparison with, and think I have an understanding to some degree of your feelings about schools, etc. This doesn't make you crazy. You had a bad experience and have feelings associated with that experience. It IS possible to get past this. I did. You can too! You've got your therapist, and the community is here to provide support as well. There are some wonderful people on this forum.

 

Thank you, I'm glad to hear you got past your demons And i can relate to being terrified of exes....I believe when we are scared of them, its not them per se we are scared of, but how they make us feel, what they trigger off in us....

 

I'm feeling a bit more strength now. I've been completely and brutally honest in therapy and the feedback was difficult to accept but...liberating. I've been living in a sort of ptsd state, transported back to childhood wounds. But, I'm not running anymore. I'm done running. As difficult as it is, I'm sitting with them and riding them out. They need addressing and I can't deny them anymore.

It's interesting though, the more I do that, the less interested I am in my old draining coping mechanisms. It's kind of like...the more you allow a broken ankle to heal, the sooner or later you find you won't need the crutches anymore whereas if you deny the problem and keep using the ankle, those you'll need the crutches even more, for longer.

 

I'm beginning to feel like it is possible, healing and moving on IS an option

[Beachead]

Thank you, I'm glad to hear you got past your demons And i can relate to being terrified of exes....I believe when we are scared of them, its not them per se we are scared of, but how they make us feel, what they trigger off in us....

 

I'm feeling a bit more strength now. I've been completely and brutally honest in therapy and the feedback was difficult to accept but...liberating. I've been living in a sort of ptsd state, transported back to childhood wounds. But, I'm not running anymore. I'm done running. As difficult as it is, I'm sitting with them and riding them out. They need addressing and I can't deny them anymore.

It's interesting though, the more I do that, the less interested I am in my old draining coping mechanisms. It's kind of like...the more you allow a broken ankle to heal, the sooner or later you find you won't need the crutches anymore whereas if you deny the problem and keep using the ankle, those you'll need the crutches even more, for longer.

 

I'm beginning to feel like it is possible, healing and moving on IS an option

 

Look at you, gaining perspective and clarity. I'm happy to hear this . Never run. By hiding, you give your demons more power over your life. Good on you for standing toe to toe with them. Most people won't. Take it from me, you're not going to want to go back to that old way of living when you start seeing your life change for the better from this hard work you are putting in. I know I didn't.

 

Keep at it

 

- Beach

[No_Go]

I wanted to post in your other thread (PM still not working) but here is ok too. I come from (sort of) similar family situation and made similar exit, maybe timings were a bit different. I left home at 22 to go to study abroad, and 12 years later... Never regretted my decision or even contemplated going back. In my case my father was (very) physically abusive and had severe alcohol issue that eventually killed him, my mother has been just a very weak figure, but there were other complicated factors in the extended family too, overall a total mess.

 

Like you I think I'm oversensitive / over-empathetic, maybe because I learned I need to be that way for literal survival. But what I wanted to say - it all turned well for me, I think because I used this for my advantage [i have to add I never had unsurmountable difficulties with coping, I guess it is different for everyone].

 

The way it worked, is first (unavoidable), enough time had to pass. I start feeling at my forte right before turning 30, before then I still wasn't confident enough. Geographical separation definitely helped too - being a continent away from family... was a huge relief, and gave me the space to build my own life. Then, I used this oversensitivity to get close to, let's call it unconventional, people. I made friends from very interesting art / science circles, some many decades away from me (one of the best ones is 40+ years older). I could gain IMO priceless insight about life from some of these people and I truly think I wouldn't be able to connect to them in this level if my past was less turbulent . Lastly - call it luck but i met someone like me, but expressing it differently - my BF. He's just another faucet of what can happen to someone with turbulent past - basically he's giver to the T, always putting himself last and trying to cater to all his (needy) relatives. Anyway, he also shows this hyperawareness (feeling too much for others) but that made our connection unmatched. I don't need to tell him how I feel, he usually knows it just by subtle changes of tone, it is amazing.

 

Anyway, that's just few thoughts I wanted to share in terms of bad family upbringing and paralyzing hyperawareness - it is scattered, but I think you get the ideas:

1) it's not all bad

2) you can make it work for you

3) it gets better as time goes on

 

 

I am so tired of feeling too much for others.

 

I'm seeing a therapist about this and have been working on this for so long...I know it takes time but days like today, I can't cope with this influx of emotions.

 

I feel sadness for people who have wronged me, because I witnessed their horrendous upbringing and it makes my heart ache so much when I think back to what happened to them. I have been welling up and it's affecting my dreams now too.

 

It's so easy for others to say: it's not your problem, other people can take care of themselves etc etc....I KNOW all the rational stuff but something in my system just won't stop 'feeling'. I'm doing all I can to keep it at bay: running, seeing friends, keeping on top of school work, hobbies, trying to eat well....

 

I'm sick of being paralysed by empathy and sadness for others.

Has anyone experienced this and can anyone help me learn how to stop this from interfering with my life so much?

[lana-banana]

Hi starlight, it looks like you're already well on your way up the right path: learning which of your habits are helpful and not helpful, creating new coping techniques, and asking the pretty scary questions about what makes you who you are.

 

As someone with excess empathy (who's always thinking too deeply about the motivations of others and who is still frankly prone to crying when reading the news or thinking about strangers) one thing that helps is taking a hundred-thousand-foot view. Beyond the individual is the larger community, society, culture, state, etc; with its own problems and characteristics shaped by its role in the world, and beyond that is the human race trying and blundering through all its messy, contrary impulses. This perspective helps me because it creates a sense of kinship and universality, despite the differences, and it also helps me think about problems on a slightly less emotional problem. It's harder to be swept away by your feelings when you're considering questions about group behavior.

 

True kindness to yourself is tough. I wish I had the answer, but I don't. A long time ago my therapist reminded me that "you're the only one who will always have your back", and that stuck. You have to be kind to yourself if only out of self-preservation. Strong relationships with friends or family can help because just seeing yourself from another person's viewpoint can make you think more critically about why you're hard on yourself. It's also nice to remember that real self-love is the best way to improve your relationships with others, which is good motivation to try harder. Who doesn't want to have better relationships?

 

You're doing great. Keep at it

[starlight8]

Hi starlight, it looks like you're already well on your way up the right path: learning which of your habits are helpful and not helpful, creating new coping techniques, and asking the pretty scary questions about what makes you who you are.

 

As someone with excess empathy (who's always thinking too deeply about the motivations of others and who is still frankly prone to crying when reading the news or thinking about strangers) one thing that helps is taking a hundred-thousand-foot view. Beyond the individual is the larger community, society, culture, state, etc; with its own problems and characteristics shaped by its role in the world, and beyond that is the human race trying and blundering through all its messy, contrary impulses. This perspective helps me because it creates a sense of kinship and universality, despite the differences, and it also helps me think about problems on a slightly less emotional problem. It's harder to be swept away by your feelings when you're considering questions about group behavior.

True kindness to yourself is tough. I wish I had the answer, but I don't. A long time ago my therapist reminded me that "you're the only one who will always have your back", and that stuck. You have to be kind to yourself if only out of self-preservation. Strong relationships with friends or family can help because just seeing yourself from another person's viewpoint can make you think more critically about why you're hard on yourself. It's also nice to remember that real self-love is the best way to improve your relationships with others, which is good motivation to try harder. Who doesn't want to have better relationships?

 

You're doing great. Keep at it

 

Awww, your post was lovely Its so cute when I see responses from fellow feelers, it really warms my heart and makes me feel like there's a little army of us haha.

Anyway this bit in bold...wow. I remember a few years ago, I was stuck in a huge emotional rut and to make myself feel better, i started viewing the world and its problems as a 'story'...very hard to put into words but basically, viewing it through a lens of which you have put into words!! I didn't realise that was exactly what I was doing, only that it made me feel more at peace with myself and the world. And then I read your response and it put it all into words!

I had forgotten about this effective coping skill

 

Thank you for your encouraging response, I actually felt like 'heyy i AM doing ok' when I read your last line. Sometimes you just need reminders huh

[starlight8]

I wanted to post in your other thread (PM still not working) but here is ok too. I come from (sort of) similar family situation and made similar exit, maybe timings were a bit different. I left home at 22 to go to study abroad, and 12 years later... Never regretted my decision or even contemplated going back. In my case my father was (very) physically abusive and had severe alcohol issue that eventually killed him, my mother has been just a very weak figure, but there were other complicated factors in the extended family too, overall a total mess.

 

Like you I think I'm oversensitive / over-empathetic, maybe because I learned I need to be that way for literal survival. But what I wanted to say - it all turned well for me, I think because I used this for my advantage [i have to add I never had unsurmountable difficulties with coping, I guess it is different for everyone].

 

The way it worked, is first (unavoidable), enough time had to pass. I start feeling at my forte right before turning 30, before then I still wasn't confident enough. Geographical separation definitely helped too - being a continent away from family... was a huge relief, and gave me the space to build my own life. Then, I used this oversensitivity to get close to, let's call it unconventional, people. I made friends from very interesting art / science circles, some many decades away from me (one of the best ones is 40+ years older). I could gain IMO priceless insight about life from some of these people and I truly think I wouldn't be able to connect to them in this level if my past was less turbulent . Lastly - call it luck but i met someone like me, but expressing it differently - my BF. He's just another faucet of what can happen to someone with turbulent past - basically he's giver to the T, always putting himself last and trying to cater to all his (needy) relatives. Anyway, he also shows this hyperawareness (feeling too much for others) but that made our connection unmatched. I don't need to tell him how I feel, he usually knows it just by subtle changes of tone, it is amazing.

 

Anyway, that's just few thoughts I wanted to share in terms of bad family upbringing and paralyzing hyperawareness - it is scattered, but I think you get the ideas:

1) it's not all bad

2) you can make it work for you

3) it gets better as time goes on

 

Thank you for sharing your story, it was really interesting to read someone else's similar experiences (definitely helps to feel less alone in the struggle) and thanks for the encouraging words I'm happy to read it all worked out well for you, too (I love happy endings ).

Also your bf - made me think 'awwww'....you mentioned in the other thread you're INTJ, I do find INTJs cute little neutralising forces to us emotional overfeelers

[starlight8]

Oh god. I went out yesterday and had a LOT to drink.

Horrible feelings all came flooding back this morning along with a very heavy hang over.

 

Note to self: do not indulge in unhealthy social behaviour when trying to overcome emotionally heavy stuff. A regular hangover I can deal with. Being taken a few steps back along with a horrible hangover feels awful like I can't do it.

 

I'm pretty mad at myself cus I'd been having a good couple of days where I wasn't having to try to make things feel easier....and then i went and messed it up yesterday.

 

I will NOT be drinking for the foreseeable future.

[starlight8]

Could somebody post something here please...I don't know what, just anything.

 

I'm still trying and committed to therapy/new boundaries and making changes. I just sort of feel alone because its meant so much of my old life has just had to go away.

For example, a friendship which went both ways with no boundaries and co-dependency has just ended - she blocked me after I didn't respond to her lashing out at me by my usual 'let me put aside the draining effort and instead just soothe her even though she's taking out stress on me from other causes in her life'...instead I followed my head and politely asked for some time-out to calm down. She didn't like that and accused me of not caring.

 

And I guess it's for the best but I'm having to adapt to so many losses from my old life it's causing me stress and depression.

I called my doctor today and think I might consider anti-depressants at this stage. It's getting quite difficult

[Beachead]

Could somebody post something here please...I don't know what, just anything.

 

I'm still trying and committed to therapy/new boundaries and making changes. I just sort of feel alone because its meant so much of my old life has just had to go away.

For example, a friendship which went both ways with no boundaries and co-dependency has just ended - she blocked me after I didn't respond to her lashing out at me by my usual 'let me put aside the draining effort and instead just soothe her even though she's taking out stress on me from other causes in her life'...instead I followed my head and politely asked for some time-out to calm down. She didn't like that and accused me of not caring.

 

And I guess it's for the best but I'm having to adapt to so many losses from my old life it's causing me stress and depression.

I called my doctor today and think I might consider anti-depressants at this stage. It's getting quite difficult

 

This stuff happened to me as soon as I started taking care of myself as well. All your friends and connections from that old life reflect who you used to be..such as the choices you made and the willingness to put them ahead of yourself while neglecting yourself everytime. Well now that you're not like that anymore, you've inconvenienced those people in your life who got used to taking from you. Things that you didn't need to do but did for them became expected on their side and they became entitled and now they feel like they're being treated unfairly..although they're not. They were privileged all these years. It's all coming from a place of weakness on their part. What's lacking within them, they seek from you and because you willingly gave to them in excess, it became this way.

 

Having said this, even though it isn't necessarily our fault that things happened in life that may have led us astray and made us choose people and situations that were harmful to us, we should always accept that it is still our responsibility to make sure our life is good. I mean..who else is going to do it for us? We are responsible for every single choice we make. You gave too much back in the day and in turn people got used to taking advantage you. By owning that mistake..you take responsibility for your life, and you place the power back into your hands you means you can now change the way you perceive your pain, your circumstances. You can now change. If you blame others or external forces such as bad luck, you take that responsibility away from yourself and you don't find any reason to change.

 

I've seen people who do that..they never grow. Bad things happen and they just dump the blame on everything else but themselves.

 

People will leave..a lot of people..expect it. But, the right people will stay by your side..even if its just 1 person. You'll eventually come to realize that even having 1 person who cares about us is good fortune because we're not entitled to anything in life..contrary to what many of us believe. Don't blame yourself because them leaving isn't your fault. You're just depleted right now and taking care of yourself..if you don't do that, you'll disintegrate into nothing and have nothing to give and you won't be good for anybody including yourself. So trust this path, expect it to be tough but know that in the long-run its going to get you to the life that you want to have in the future. One that is far closer to what your soul needs, with people who care more for you and with activities and a career and other things in your life that are more in line with who you are. The closer your life is to your heart, the more at peace you'll be and the less all this will bother you.

 

You're doing well. Good job and keep going

 

- Beach

Edited November 16, 2018 by Beachead