How to stop feeling responsible for everyone??

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, starlight8.

Oh god. I went out yesterday and had a LOT to drink. ...

I'm pretty mad at myself cus I'd been having a good couple of days where I wasn't having to try to make things feel easier....and then i went and messed it up yesterday.

I just had to laff cos I'd also felt like I'd done the exact same thing this passed Sunday - screwed up decades of my own hard work and efforts, also through over-imbibing .

But. I was tersely (yet gently) reminded that being on a true spiritual path means that we will necessarily be tested - Spiritual Initiations - and that negative self-judgment is exactly

part of what I need to overcome and transcend.

I just sort of feel alone because its meant so much of my old life has just had to go away.

For example, a friendship which went both ways with no boundaries and co-dependency has just ended

Same. I've spent the last few days working on the difference between "loving people unconditionally" and "loving the spiritual aspect of people unconditionally"...and having to acknowledge/admit that most of 'my people' are not actually expressing their spiritual aspects.

 

It feels like I'm judging them...which I do not want to do, and do not feel qualified to do...but...it's also that there is a difference between spiritual judgment (some people call it 'Christ Discernment') versus judging on purely 'human' grounds; (the related quote being, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of [spiritual] death." So, I do not want to just keep doing

'the way that seems right to a man'...but, that is my deepest programming...so it's really tough to fight against, when it feels like it's just me doing the 'fighting', if you know what I mean.

She didn't like that and accused me of not caring.

I'm not really sure if this will be useful to you...but...I have found a couple of things that helped me tremendously in dealing with all these false accusations against me...

...by people who do not like it when the 'status quo' is challenged. I've had to let 99% of my previously 'important' or 'significant' relationships go...and so I know how really difficult that can feel,

and as if we are the ones who are somehow 'out to lunch'.

 

The first is a spiritual teaching or discourse, Transcending the Energies of the Accuser of the Brethren, and the second is a 'rosary' or 'invocation', based on the former, that I used to use a lot,

and still now use occasionally, when I feel stuck or depressed and that it will be useful.

 

The depression that we feel is not invalid, but it is based on prior false programming...we do need to fight against it.

 

Wishing you all the Inner Guidance, Assistance and Support possible. And, feel free to PM me, if you wish.

Edited November 16, 2018 by Ronni_W
Formatting

[starlight8]

Thanks for the replies, they help me a lot that I often come back and re-read them when things are tough.

 

It's been a rough 2 weeks, I resorted to shutting out the whole world and staying in bed. I needed it. I felt pretty horrific for most of it, but yesterday things improved. The new friend I made a few weeks ago who I went out for coffee with invited me over for dinner and a movie. I was doubtful it could help, of course, in my depressive state, and was tempted to stay home but thought 'if I don't try something new, I'll keep living in the old' - and the old has been shown to be toxic and falling apart anyway. So I went, and I couldn't believe how much it helped. She was very kind, and we had a good laugh exchanging stories about work (we have the same job) and she cooked me a delicious meal, bless. She listened to me talk about some of the stuff I'd been struggling with and we had a chat about it then watched a movie and I stayed over, as I didn't fancy being alone.

 

It helped me massively. I've noticed big differences in people I spent time with now, those who I leave feeling depleted, drained, miserable and anxious (people from my 'old life') and those whose company leaves me feeling energised, perky and positive. I'm shocked its taken me this long to understand this fundamental difference haha but better later than never, as they say.

[starlight8]

I need to vent.

 

This process feels like....1 step forward, 10 steps back! It's so hard at times like this, I'm scraping the last morsels of energy I have just to continue!

 

I had a run of doing pretty well, slowly focusing more on myself, making progress with therapy.

Then, I got back in touch with an old friend, one of those that needed leaving behind, those that just insist on toxic relations and a massive energy-depleter.

I had come so far I'd forgotten all this important stuff.

Anyway, within DAYS of being back in touch, my phone gets nuked with endless messages about the last loser in her life, and hoardes of messages justifying his behaviour, and 'you have to understand, I was hormonal so I could have just misinterpreted and overreacted...' (basically blaming herself to pave the way for me to say: yeah, it was you, he didn't do anything, but you gotta try harder to win his approval and love' when really, this girl just can't understand when a guy is not treating you right, that WILL cause you to not feel good, and the healthy steps (in my eyes) are to approach him about it (which she did) and if he doesn't want to communicate, well then, there's very little you can do. She has this thing of: must work very very hard to win the love I CRAVE SO BADLY! That in itself will make anyone run for the hills.

After actually listening to the non-stop nonsense, you don't even know what the initial problem is. For example, she has expectations that from the get-go, her new love interest should text her everyday, and has a massive meltdown if they don't. Seems needy and unreasonable. But then, the guys do things which tap into this, like sending mixed messages. And now social media is a massive part of people's lives, there's now the added dimension of 'he has added a new girl and she is pretty blah blah bah'.

 

So I just told her outright, i think you need to spend time alone to find happiness and peace within first, before embarking on a relationship.

 

This did not go down well and she accused me of psychoanalysing too much and that relationships aren't easy etc etc.

So what exactly would you like me to do, my friend? Listen to your non-step tirades and just agree with every step of the way?

And why is it that as soon as people hear truths they don't like, the immediate thing is to attack the messenger? 'You're psychoanalysing too much' - what, by pointing out you have low self esteem and seem hungry to chase a weird type of overly-attached relationships?

Right. OK. So I'll just agree that it is normal and the fact you feel distressed and anxious is because...well, that's normal.

 

I don't think so.

I had 6 months apart from her and had forgotten all of this stress. Why oh why did I allow all this back in, especially when I had worked so hard to let go of all this type of draining stress.

 

Back to square 1. Again.

[Ronni_W]

Back to square 1. Again.

No, you're not -- you're WAY ahead from your first post in this thread!

What you told your friend is the most loving and constructive thing you could have said...even if she does not yet have the insight to see it.

(Don't let her lack of insight and lack of emotional intelligence cause you to doubt yourself.)

 

There wasn't anything wrong reaching out to her, but, at the same time, also can be a valuable lesson learned -- from now on, let your people from your past reach out to you,

and, if they have not yet come up higher,then just leave their garbage with them, and don't take it as something that you, personally, are doing 'wrong' or should be trying to do better.

(They are the ones who need to be doing the work for their self-improvement!)

 

 

Sending Light and Love.

Edited December 2, 2018 by Ronni_W
Formatting.

[starlight8]

No, you're not -- you're WAY ahead from your first post in this thread!

What you told your friend is the most loving and constructive thing you could have said...even if she does not yet have the insight to see it.

(Don't let her lack of insight and lack of emotional intelligence cause you to doubt yourself.)

 

There wasn't anything wrong reaching out to her, but, at the same time, also can be a valuable lesson learned -- from now on, let your people from your past reach out to you,

and, if they have not yet come up higher,then just leave their garbage with them, and don't take it as something that you, personally, are doing 'wrong' or should be trying to do better.

(They are the ones who need to be doing the work for their self-improvement!)

 

 

Sending Light and Love.

 

Thank you this was just the perspective i needed i really appreciate the insight and it helps so much. I feel better, just gotta keep going

[starlight8]

So I'm realising that having a bad/negative interaction isn't always something to feel bad about and my fault and the feelings will last forever.

 

I put boundaries in with my friend and told her we will have to agree to disagree on this matter and this is not a topic I wish to discuss with her anymore. She sent lots and lots of messages first trying to convince me otherwise (I didn't even bother reading them after the first line as I knew it would just cause me a headache), simply deleted them. Finally she agreed and tried to put on a fake, small-talk act but it didn't interest me and I could feel the awkwardness.

 

And moments like this now, I ask myself: what do I ACTUALLY want? I had zero interest in replying and getting caught up in a big waste of time and emotional rollercoaster so I didn't reply and don't feel the slightest bit guilty or emotional about it.

 

Things are progressing!

Even the bumps now....well, the horrible feelings after them last nowhere near as long as they did, even from just a couple of weeks ago. That was my biggest fear at times, being so scared of the magnitude of the emotions that the bumps in the road will have.

 

Now, or today at least, I'm not scared of them. I feel more confident and just naturally reassured that it won't be the end of the world, that any bumps aren't always MY fault and I will have to be punished for them and go out of my way to fix it all since it's always my fault.

 

It feels very good

[starlight8]

I'm so angry at my family. For years and years and years I was lonely and miserable and had to repress every single emotion because their needs were SO GREEDY and god forbid even a day passed without THEM needing to be heard and seen and throwing tantrums constantly. Every single one of them is emotionally starved and wants everyone around them to be their mummy and daddy, whilst also demanding that they can abuse everyone as much as they like.

 

I hate them. I'm SO FURIOUS at all the new insights and realisations and just want to go back in time and let each and every one of them know every time they shut me down in favour of their own greedy never-ending need to be emotionally kept and reassured, that actually, they are all selfish. Of course that wouldn't make a difference.

 

And I don't care how horrible this sounds right now, but their life sucks and always has done. None of them have professional jobs. They all live in squalor. And have no real social networks or opportunities. And today, I am HAPPY and GLAD about that. I am SO MAD that I am STILL picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together again because of the emotionally abusive actions of others that I don't care one bit about empathy towards others right now when it was denied to me for so long: their situation is karmic justice and they deserve nothing less. Why should they have any better?

[Ronni_W]

And I don't care how horrible this sounds right now,

It doesn't sound horrible...it's just a natural part of 'cathartic' or therapeutic release.The venting does have to come out; I used to use a separate journal.

 

I'm so angry at my family. <snip> I'm SO FURIOUS <snip> and just want to go back in time and let each and every one of them know every time they shut me down in favour of their own greedy never-ending need to be emotionally kept and reassured, that actually, they are all selfish.

Hugs, starlight8.

 

I get that this is more of a 'venting session'...but still wish to offer that our family members did not act like that in a vacuum.

We were on the other side, with our own psychological patterns and habits, (which were complements to theirs), which meant that we were enabling them and letting it happen,

instead of setting our own healthy boundaries and limits.

 

It's not so much a matter of age -- often we see very young children setting such boundaries for themselves; the 'adults' don't realize what they're doing to cause the child to have to do this,

and just negatively judge it and mislabel it as 'misbehaviour' and 'rebelliousness'; basically name-calling (a child!) to control it and make it stop asserting and standing up for itself.

 

 

If I may, I would like to say that you are doing really well in a very short period of time! . Wishing you continued success.

[starlight8]

It doesn't sound horrible...it's just a natural part of 'cathartic' or therapeutic release.The venting does have to come out; I used to use a separate journal.

 

Hugs, starlight8.

 

I get that this is more of a 'venting session'...but still wish to offer that our family members did not act like that in a vacuum.

We were on the other side, with our own psychological patterns and habits, (which were complements to theirs), which meant that we were enabling them and letting it happen,

instead of setting our own healthy boundaries and limits.

 

It's not so much a matter of age -- often we see very young children setting such boundaries for themselves; the 'adults' don't realize what they're doing to cause the child to have to do this,

and just negatively judge it and mislabel it as 'misbehaviour' and 'rebelliousness'; basically name-calling (a child!) to control it and make it stop asserting and standing up for itself.

 

 

If I may, I would like to say that you are doing really well in a very short period of time! . Wishing you continued success.

 

I wish I could disclose more details and information to share it and get it off my chest but I'm worried that more specific details might be revelatory and people who know me might figure it all out if they happen to come on here.

 

I just feel so betrayed at how they behaved and reacted and still do. It's made me feel very unsafe in this world and like I can't and shouldn't expect to rely on anybody but myself and its exhausting trying to unlearn all this and have a bit of faith.

 

Thank you, though. You are very kind on the days where I really need it.

[Ronni_W]

I wish I could disclose more details and information to share it

I understand your concerns about privacy. If you wish, please feel free to 'private message' me.

We seem to have experienced very similar dynamics in our respective families, so I do understand where you're coming from.

 

Sending Light and Love.

[starlight8]

I understand your concerns about privacy. If you wish, please feel free to 'private message' me.

We seem to have experienced very similar dynamics in our respective families, so I do understand where you're coming from.

 

Sending Light and Love.

 

Hey, I have sent you a private message but I am not sure that it worked, as it says '0' in my 'sent messages' folder. But when I try again, it says I cannot send another message so soon.

 

Could you let me know if you received my message please?

Edited December 10, 2018 by starlight8

[Ronni_W]

Hi starlight8.

Yes, I did receive your PM.

 

You have to set your account, for the 'sent' items to be saved: Under 'Settings', click 'Options', then check 'Save a copy of sent messages...'. Then, at bottom of page, click 'Save Changes'.

 

(If you'd like, I can resend your message, so you'll have a copy of it.)

 

I've got some things to do on this side, but will get back to you as soon as possible. Until then,

 

Ronni

[starlight8]

Hi starlight8.

Yes, I did receive your PM.

 

You have to set your account, for the 'sent' items to be saved: Under 'Settings', click 'Options', then check 'Save a copy of sent messages...'. Then, at bottom of page, click 'Save Changes'.

 

(If you'd like, I can resend your message, so you'll have a copy of it.)

 

I've got some things to do on this side, but will get back to you as soon as possible. Until then,

 

Ronni

 

Thanks

Don't worry about replying whilst you have things to do, I'm just grateful I could vent to someone

[Beachead]

Hey Starlight8,

 

I'm wrote you a big message here. Hope you have the patience for it loll.

 

I had problems with members in my family as well.

 

The day I turned 18 and headed out into university, I was completely lost and it took me awhile to make sense of the world and how to deal with people and learn how to become my own person and be confident who I was. It wasn't all their fault but their behaviour certainly played a role. The overprotection, the negativity. Anytime I wanted to try something new, they'd approach with worry and discouragement. If I wanted to take on more responsibility in the house, it was always "Oh you can't do it, I'll just do it." It passed on into my behaviour which shaped my choices in life..all of which affect everything. Relationships, Studies, Jobs, general maturity. My friends often referred to me as overly cautious and worrisome and over time it wore on me and made me aware of it but it wasn't until a relationship ended because of those negative qualities that I was pissed off and upset enough to take a long hard look at where it was all coming from. Them.

 

Best thing that happened for me was discovering the source because once I did, I was able to put an end to it. It wasn't an overnight process though..took time. Took years to break behaviours that I had unknowingly wired into myself my entire life. Everytime, I would go through emotional stress or reach extremes of anger or sadness, I'd return to those old habits by default. Then I'd have to catch myself in it and correct it...over and over again.

 

The people around us or those we end up choosing to be around can affect who we become greatly. We may end up choosing friends who reflect these pre-exiting negative qualities we've adopted from our family and that whole social system can continue to encourage us down a path of destructive behaviour that brings about results that continue to confirm how we feel about ourself or believe about our life. It can go on and on until our whole life is built on a foundation of these structural defects. Our career, our friends, our partner, the place we choose to live. We know somethings wrong by the way we feel; that disconnect, the anger, the constant sadness..that's the feedback.

 

Sometimes people don't even know a problem exists because its that deep-rooted. Sometimes people do but maybe they don't want to face it because they're afraid. The more fear they have, the more stubborn they are about changing it, the more excuses that come, and the longer it goes on. Some people can live their lies their entire life without ever changing not realizing that they're the ones causing their own problems. Doesn't mean this is your fault. That's not what I'm saying at all. It does mean that now that you know what's going on, you are now able to change it.

 

Two things I always follow in this order to this date are:

 

1. Self-awareness of how you feel and react to things because once you understand that, you'll plan right and you'll start making choices in your life that are in line with your soul. Leads you to a far more peaceful life. No more being around people you don't want to be around, no more letting them get away with particularly destructive behaviours, no more being in situations you don't want to be in.

 

2. Taking responsibility for yourself. which comes from knowing what's going on inside of you. Even if things happen to you that are out of your control, you now know how you can deal with it. It doesn't mean you magically feel better over the sh*tty things that happened to you in your life. It does mean you can let yourself feel your pain knowing why you're doing it and being perfectly okay with it.

 

Someone who has a lack of self-awareness would be pulled around by their emotions letting it affect their decisions in life which affects their life. They're blind to themselves and have no clue why anything happens to them so they don't even know what what to take responsibility for. Consequently, they can't figure out a plan to solve their issues and blame the wrong things and get all the targets wrong. They're lost.

 

That's the difference.

 

You're doing all the right things. Taking all the right steps. Don't sweat the anger you feel. It's normal. Anger can be very constructive if channeled in the right way. Let it be what ignites you to continue making some great moves in life.

 

Keep at it.

 

- Beach

Edited December 11, 2018 by Beachead

[starlight8]

Hey Starlight8,

 

I'm wrote you a big message here. Hope you have the patience for it loll.

 

I had problems with members in my family as well.

 

The day I turned 18 and headed out into university, I was completely lost and it took me awhile to make sense of the world and how to deal with people and learn how to become my own person and be confident who I was. It wasn't all their fault but their behaviour certainly played a role. The overprotection, the negativity. Anytime I wanted to try something new, they'd approach with worry and discouragement. If I wanted to take on more responsibility in the house, it was always "Oh you can't do it, I'll just do it." It passed on into my behaviour which shaped my choices in life..all of which affect everything. Relationships, Studies, Jobs, general maturity. My friends often referred to me as overly cautious and worrisome and over time it wore on me and made me aware of it but it wasn't until a relationship ended because of those negative qualities that I was pissed off and upset enough to take a long hard look at where it was all coming from. Them.

 

Best thing that happened for me was discovering the source because once I did, I was able to put an end to it. It wasn't an overnight process though..took time. Took years to break behaviours that I had unknowingly wired into myself my entire life. Everytime, I would go through emotional stress or reach extremes of anger or sadness, I'd return to those old habits by default. Then I'd have to catch myself in it and correct it...over and over again.

 

The people around us or those we end up choosing to be around can affect who we become greatly. We may end up choosing friends who reflect these pre-exiting negative qualities we've adopted from our family and that whole social system can continue to encourage us down a path of destructive behaviour that brings about results that continue to confirm how we feel about ourself or believe about our life. It can go on and on until our whole life is built on a foundation of these structural defects. Our career, our friends, our partner, the place we choose to live. We know somethings wrong by the way we feel; that disconnect, the anger, the constant sadness..that's the feedback.

 

Sometimes people don't even know a problem exists because its that deep-rooted. Sometimes people do but maybe they don't want to face it because they're afraid. The more fear they have, the more stubborn they are about changing it, the more excuses that come, and the longer it goes on. Some people can live their lies their entire life without ever changing not realizing that they're the ones causing their own problems. Doesn't mean this is your fault. That's not what I'm saying at all. It does mean that now that you know what's going on, you are now able to change it.

 

Two things I always follow in this order to this date are:

 

1. Self-awareness of how you feel and react to things because once you understand that, you'll plan right and you'll start making choices in your life that are in line with your soul. Leads you to a far more peaceful life. No more being around people you don't want to be around, no more letting them get away with particularly destructive behaviours, no more being in situations you don't want to be in.

 

2. Taking responsibility for yourself. which comes from knowing what's going on inside of you. Even if things happen to you that are out of your control, you now know how you can deal with it. It doesn't mean you magically feel better over the sh*tty things that happened to you in your life. It does mean you can let yourself feel your pain knowing why you're doing it and being perfectly okay with it.

 

Someone who has a lack of self-awareness would be pulled around by their emotions letting it affect their decisions in life which affects their life. They're blind to themselves and have no clue why anything happens to them so they don't even know what what to take responsibility for. Consequently, they can't figure out a plan to solve their issues and blame the wrong things and get all the targets wrong. They're lost.

 

That's the difference.

 

You're doing all the right things. Taking all the right steps. Don't sweat the anger you feel. It's normal. Anger can be very constructive if channeled in the right way. Let it be what ignites you to continue making some great moves in life.

 

Keep at it.

 

- Beach

 

Hey, thank you for this. For some reason, I've just seen this.

And it makes sense. I am pretty weak atm, I've still been trying to keep up with what I think are the right things to do but I feel pretty spiritually, emotionally and mentally annihilated. All I can do atm is get through each day by doing the bare minimum to look after myself. Washing, cleaning, making sure I eat and sleep, and that's about it. I'm so very tired.

 

So many things came to light in all the time I stopped doing what I've always done, and stayed away from the wrong people.

I've held it in for so long and only a few therapists/close friends know, but I was taking advantage of as a child, sexually, emotionally, mentally, by 2 older children in my family. This more than anything has crippled me. I feel embarrassment, shame, anger, disgust...and don't even know how to view myself.

I feel like a fraud when I go to my hospital job, and patients give me nice feedback. I feel like a fraud when nurses I work with tell me I am nice. So much praise can be given to doctors, which I can see why when they are helping others, but I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel tainted and disgust.

 

Please, please, if anyone is going to reply to this, please be kind. I am in therapy for this. I am trying my best.

I've received so much backlash from family members for speaking out and when the police got involved. I've been told by my mum that I use this as 'excuses' for when I am failing in life. She also said that it doesn't matter and never mattered, because everyone sleeps around these days so there's no difference if you're a child or if you're older.

None of this hurt as much as the one person I always held dearest to me, who I always tried to protect, and help, turning around and telling me 'you're trying to break up a family' (as one of the children now, as an adult, has kids and is more worried about losing her life from possible repercussions than anything I might be feeling).

 

I am distraught, lost, have little hope. What was once a big flame of hope is now a tiny, flickering light. I have cried so many times and yet the tears still don't stop. I feel pretty close to hopeless. I wish just one person would have just turned around and acknowledged what I went through, and when the police were involved, and offered to sit with me and hold my hand.

I'm so scared. And I don't even know how I am somehow continuing with the demands of my job. Maybe its a form of escape. Somehow, doing the academic side of things, where I have to update my e-portfolio, makes me feel alive, even if its just for a few minutes. Because I like learning and enjoy putting the pieces together.

The friend i made a few weeks back, who I posted about on here, has been a godsend. She doesn't know all the details, but she knows I am struggling. She brings me bath products nearly everytime we meet.

A guy I was getting to know has also been lovely. He listens to me and holds me and wipes my tears away.

I'm scared though. I don't know why he likes me so much, I've told him I am worried I would make an awful partner in the long-term and that my mental health could start affecting him. I know this because I looked after someone with bipolar and it drained me. I don't want to drain anybody.

 

But I've run out of steam. I wish I could understand or even just feel ok.

I'm crying now whilst typing this. The world seems scary, hostile, ruthless. Everything I value and care about seems not to be of importance and I don't know how to fit into a world like this. Maybe this is just my altered mental state talking. I wish I could see a time when it can be re-altered.

 

I don't know what to do, other than just carry on and hope something changes. That I heal. Realising the true horror of my childhood is overwhelming. I'm just so scared

[Beachead]

You're okay. Ups and downs and periods of good and bad. That's how life is.

 

I am happy you have a friend who looks out for you. Be careful with relationships though. This guy won't be able to fix you and he's going to want to. That's what people when they care about you and want to be with you. At best, he'll show you a good time, make you laugh, take the weight off of your shoulders for a little while. But behind closed doors, or in the night when you are alone, things will resurface because it is only you who can fix you. Talk to him about how you feel. Be honest. Tell him your worries and fears. Communicate. See what he has to say. What was meant to be after this conversation will happen. He may walk away knowing he can't handle it and you will carry on or he may stay and offer you continued love and support and you may feel a tremendous weight off of your shoulders because you had a conversation that needed to be had. Now the two of you can progress forward.

 

You are in self-preservation mode right now. You need you more than anyone else does right now so do what feels good in a healthy way. Give yourself space from people who make you feel terrible. If its your family and this person you cared so much for, that's the way its got to be. I have distanced from my family as well for periods of time. Sometimes, they can't handle what I am going through and say ridiculous things that don't help. Don't talk to them about your problems but talk to someone who will listen without judgement. Therapy is good. Continue to chat on here. Continue to talk to other people in different threads. Share, feel. See that you are not alone. Continue to surround yourself with the few people who make you feel good. Do the stuff that makes you feel good such as your academics.

 

For the record, not everyone sleeps around. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I had the opportunities when I was in relationships but I never acted on them. I never put my girl in a situation where her alarms would go off. She was number 1 and that's how I treated her as. If I didn't want monogamy, then I would have stayed single and let that person find someone deserved the love they were willing to give because I know it's not just about me. It's about them. Their time, their energy, their generosity of materials and money. I now play a role in their mood and thus am responsible to a degree and it increases as time goes on. Being together with someone is a practice of commitment and trust and I know what sleeping around or something of similar sort would do to someone who invested in me. Unless I am invested in a future with them as well, I stay out. I hope that reminds you that there are still people out there who care.

 

- Beach

Edited December 29, 2018 by Beachead

[starlight8]

You're okay. Ups and downs and periods of good and bad. That's how life is.

 

I am happy you have a friend who looks out for you. Be careful with relationships though. This guy won't be able to fix you and he's going to want to. That's what people when they care about you and want to be with you. At best, he'll show you a good time, make you laugh, take the weight off of your shoulders for a little while. But behind closed doors, or in the night when you are alone, things will resurface because it is only you who can fix you. Talk to him about how you feel. Be honest. Tell him your worries and fears. Communicate. See what he has to say. What was meant to be after this conversation will happen. He may walk away knowing he can't handle it and you will carry on or he may stay and offer you continued love and support and you may feel a tremendous weight off of your shoulders because you had a conversation that needed to be had. Now the two of you can progress forward.

 

You are in self-preservation mode right now. You need you more than anyone else does right now so do what feels good in a healthy way. Give yourself space from people who make you feel terrible. If its your family and this person you cared so much for, that's the way its got to be. I have distanced from my family as well for periods of time. Sometimes, they can't handle what I am going through and say ridiculous things that don't help. Don't talk to them about your problems but talk to someone who will listen without judgement. Therapy is good. Continue to chat on here. Continue to talk to other people in different threads. Share, feel. See that you are not alone. Continue to surround yourself with the few people who make you feel good. Do the stuff that makes you feel good such as your academics.

 

For the record, not everyone sleeps around. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. I had the opportunities when I was in relationships but I never acted on them. I never put my girl in a situation where her alarms would go off. She was number 1 and that's how I treated her as. If I didn't want monogamy, then I would have stayed single and let that person find someone deserved the love they were willing to give because I know it's not just about me. It's about them. Their time, their energy, their generosity of materials and money. I now play a role in their mood and thus am responsible to a degree and it increases as time goes on. Being together with someone is a practice of commitment and trust and I know what sleeping around or something of similar sort would do to someone who invested in me. Unless I am invested in a future with them as well, I stay out. I hope that reminds you that there are still people out there who care.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you. You are incredibly wise and soothing, we need more people like you around.

You're spot on about the relationship issue. I find it very tough that he wants to be around, its lovely and kind of him, but I need to be with me a LOT right now. I'm in no mood to get up and put on a smile. Some days I want hours of just feeling and being - if that makes sense, because it feels like for so many years, I couldn't do that and my body craves it. I hate that this can be likened to depression though, and from the outside looking in, people will say: 'you need to snap out of this rut, go out, be around people'. It doesn't feel like a rut. It feels like freedom to finally experience natural reactions and feelings that I could never have before. Its painful, exhausting, but at the same time, liberating and so, so welcome. I'm finally allowed to let me body have natural reactions - to be sad when I want to be, cry when I want to, get furious when I want to. I had anger for a while and one day took the advice of screaming into a pillow and punching it repeatedly to get the pent up frustration out. Then I had a nice shower. It really helped! I believe that contained, unexpressed emotions are wounds we carry. Lots of people hate hearing this and love to dismiss this (out of fear, I believe) but my conclusion overall is: you'd be a fool to believe that dismissing feelings and emotions makes them go away. I'd be the first to want to believe this, it would make life a hell of a lot easier.

 

Anyway...that's me going off on a tangent.

 

You sound like a wonderful person, and a very thoughtful partner. It does make me feel better to read what you have to say, does indeed remind me that the world isn't entirely a cold, dark world.

 

Thank you

[Beachead]

Thank you. You are incredibly wise and soothing, we need more people like you around.

You're spot on about the relationship issue. I find it very tough that he wants to be around, its lovely and kind of him, but I need to be with me a LOT right now. I'm in no mood to get up and put on a smile. Some days I want hours of just feeling and being - if that makes sense, because it feels like for so many years, I couldn't do that and my body craves it. I hate that this can be likened to depression though, and from the outside looking in, people will say: 'you need to snap out of this rut, go out, be around people'. It doesn't feel like a rut. It feels like freedom to finally experience natural reactions and feelings that I could never have before. Its painful, exhausting, but at the same time, liberating and so, so welcome. I'm finally allowed to let me body have natural reactions - to be sad when I want to be, cry when I want to, get furious when I want to. I had anger for a while and one day took the advice of screaming into a pillow and punching it repeatedly to get the pent up frustration out. Then I had a nice shower. It really helped! I believe that contained, unexpressed emotions are wounds we carry. Lots of people hate hearing this and love to dismiss this (out of fear, I believe) but my conclusion overall is: you'd be a fool to believe that dismissing feelings and emotions makes them go away. I'd be the first to want to believe this, it would make life a hell of a lot easier.

 

Anyway...that's me going off on a tangent.

 

You sound like a wonderful person, and a very thoughtful partner. It does make me feel better to read what you have to say, does indeed remind me that the world isn't entirely a cold, dark world.

 

Thank you

 

Your tangents contain a bunch of great information that makes sense to me. Keep going off on a tangent . Thank you for the kind words also.

 

What you're describing right now about being true to you and letting yourself feel what you feel is an example of loving yourself and you have already described how you feel life returning to you when you do it. It's because for once, you're not trying to exist for others. You're existing for yourself.

 

For a long time, I forced myself to feel the way others expected me to feel about particular situations or things, rather than allowing myself to feel what I really felt. Whenever something would upset me, I'd brush it off. I always figured I did everything wrong and felt wrong. Others were superior to me and therefore I should behave like they do because I had everything to learn from them and they had nothing to learn from me. I had no confidence or love for myself. It was day in, day out putting myself down, lying to myself until I was completely depleted.

 

That's what a lack of self-love will do to you. You can't function day to day. You don't have the confidence to stand up for yourself. You begin existing to please others and you lose yourself. It wasn't until I started allowing myself to feel the way I truly felt about everything, that I started to feel better, clearer. I started noticing that there were people who liked the real me. People who wanted to be close to it. Being true to myself started bringing me a life that was true to who I was..and that brought peace.

 

That doesn't mean we shouldn't be there for others and show love to them at all. By all means, it's good for us to continue doing that but we must balance it with doing for ourself as well and only help others only when we feel strong enough to. Don't do it because it is expected of you. That is what will deplete us again. For people like us, we're vulnerable to always slipping back to those old ways and therefore this is a daily practice.

 

Loving yourself isn't just treating yourself to material gifts. It has to do with the spiritual and emotional component too. Forgiving yourself. Being patient with yourself. Being compassionate with yourself. Trying to understand who you are, what drives you, what angers you, what upsets you, and why you do what you do so that you can start establishing your boundaries. And when people cross them, your alarms will go off and you'll know what to do. Most of your life, just like mine, you weren't aware when people were trampling over them because you had no boundaries. But now, because you know yourself, you'll also start choosing the right people, the right activities, the right everything for you..and even if it's not exactly right, it'll be far closer to right than wrong. The closer your life is to what your soul needs, the stronger you're going to feel.

 

So don't be afraid to continue giving yourself 100% for awhile. You need to keep giving and giving back to you until you start to feel like maybe it's time to help someone else for a change. That thought will be an indicator that you're about ready share again and when you do it, it'll happen naturally, because you want to, because it makes sense to.

 

You're off to a fantastic start.

 

- Beach

[Ronni_W]

That's what a lack of self-love will do to you.

Beachead,

 

I really appreciate your insights.

 

What I have found with the concept of 'self-love' is that most of the current literature does not mention that 'self-love' needs to include only the highest aspects or characteristics of the Self,

and to exclude all lesser-lower tendencies towards anger, resentment, holding of grudges, etc.

 

That is, that the 'Original Self' does not contain any of the latter, and that only the former (with true understanding, truth, love, etc.,) can lead to true healing and making whole of the Self (or 'Soul').

Is this also your view of it, or a representative schema?

[starlight8]

Your tangents contain a bunch of great information that makes sense to me. Keep going off on a tangent . Thank you for the kind words also.

 

What you're describing right now about being true to you and letting yourself feel what you feel is an example of loving yourself and you have already described how you feel life returning to you when you do it. It's because for once, you're not trying to exist for others. You're existing for yourself.

 

For a long time, I forced myself to feel the way others expected me to feel about particular situations or things, rather than allowing myself to feel what I really felt. Whenever something would upset me, I'd brush it off. I always figured I did everything wrong and felt wrong. Others were superior to me and therefore I should behave like they do because I had everything to learn from them and they had nothing to learn from me. I had no confidence or love for myself. It was day in, day out putting myself down, lying to myself until I was completely depleted.

 

That's what a lack of self-love will do to you. You can't function day to day. You don't have the confidence to stand up for yourself. You begin existing to please others and you lose yourself. It wasn't until I started allowing myself to feel the way I truly felt about everything, that I started to feel better, clearer. I started noticing that there were people who liked the real me. People who wanted to be close to it. Being true to myself started bringing me a life that was true to who I was..and that brought peace.

 

That doesn't mean we shouldn't be there for others and show love to them at all. By all means, it's good for us to continue doing that but we must balance it with doing for ourself as well and only help others only when we feel strong enough to. Don't do it because it is expected of you. That is what will deplete us again. For people like us, we're vulnerable to always slipping back to those old ways and therefore this is a daily practice.

 

Loving yourself isn't just treating yourself to material gifts. It has to do with the spiritual and emotional component too. Forgiving yourself. Being patient with yourself. Being compassionate with yourself. Trying to understand who you are, what drives you, what angers you, what upsets you, and why you do what you do so that you can start establishing your boundaries. And when people cross them, your alarms will go off and you'll know what to do. Most of your life, just like mine, you weren't aware when people were trampling over them because you had no boundaries. But now, because you know yourself, you'll also start choosing the right people, the right activities, the right everything for you..and even if it's not exactly right, it'll be far closer to right than wrong. The closer your life is to what your soul needs, the stronger you're going to feel.

 

So don't be afraid to continue giving yourself 100% for awhile. You need to keep giving and giving back to you until you start to feel like maybe it's time to help someone else for a change. That thought will be an indicator that you're about ready share again and when you do it, it'll happen naturally, because you want to, because it makes sense to.

 

You're off to a fantastic start.

 

- Beach

 

This was exactly how I functioned for so long too. What was ironic and most frustrating of all though, was that the initial feelings/thoughts I had on any given situation before dismissing it away in favour of others' reactions/thoughts, most often proved correct.

My therapist said to me that I have a solid intuition, but somewhere along the way, I was not taught to validate it but instead it was shut down and ignored.

 

The work I have done in therapy and research at home by myself has opened my eyes to how parenting can be so terrible, with no awareness whatsoever on the part of the abusive parents. I'm not talking about the obviously abusive ones. (This in itself winds me up: here in the UK, it seems like only the 'extreme' and the 'tangible' is worthy of a label such as abuse, its like we wait until it can get to the worst it can possibly get before we dare even suggest something is not quite right). I'm learning about how lazy, shoddy parenting can severely impact on people's wellbeing and has been for so many years. Lazy parents who don't know any better because generational shoddy parenting has been the norm. Shut the child up, subject them to fights/arguments where their adrenaline will be pumping, humiliate them into silence whether in a subtle way or not (telling young boys 'not to cry cus boys don't cry' - therefore immediately bestowing upon them feelings of shame and cognitive dissonance) - and all this for a child's brain to handle, which it is not equipped to deal with at all....and we wonder why we end up with such a troubled adult population.

 

These questions and revelations make me so uncomfortable.

A part of me strongly desires for ignorant bliss. I see patients who come in depressed/feeling low and will just take medication and plod on, not really questioning or trying to understand.

And yet my mind just doesn't seem ok with that at all! Immediately I start thinking deeply about root causes, how it came to be, why, what we have done wrong along the way, how to fix it.....its exhausting! But at the same time, I absolutely cannot just sit back and not question and think it through. It seems wrong and almost.....a cop-out?

 

Anyway that's enough of a tangent for now.

There is so much I want to say with regards to the rest of your text, but this is probably enough for this evening.

 

Wishing you a pleasant evening and as always, greatly enjoyed and appreciate your reply.

[Beachead]

This was exactly how I functioned for so long too. What was ironic and most frustrating of all though, was that the initial feelings/thoughts I had on any given situation before dismissing it away in favour of others' reactions/thoughts, most often proved correct.

My therapist said to me that I have a solid intuition, but somewhere along the way, I was not taught to validate it but instead it was shut down and ignored.

 

The work I have done in therapy and research at home by myself has opened my eyes to how parenting can be so terrible, with no awareness whatsoever on the part of the abusive parents. I'm not talking about the obviously abusive ones. (This in itself winds me up: here in the UK, it seems like only the 'extreme' and the 'tangible' is worthy of a label such as abuse, its like we wait until it can get to the worst it can possibly get before we dare even suggest something is not quite right). I'm learning about how lazy, shoddy parenting can severely impact on people's wellbeing and has been for so many years. Lazy parents who don't know any better because generational shoddy parenting has been the norm. Shut the child up, subject them to fights/arguments where their adrenaline will be pumping, humiliate them into silence whether in a subtle way or not (telling young boys 'not to cry cus boys don't cry' - therefore immediately bestowing upon them feelings of shame and cognitive dissonance) - and all this for a child's brain to handle, which it is not equipped to deal with at all....and we wonder why we end up with such a troubled adult population.

 

These questions and revelations make me so uncomfortable.

A part of me strongly desires for ignorant bliss. I see patients who come in depressed/feeling low and will just take medication and plod on, not really questioning or trying to understand.

And yet my mind just doesn't seem ok with that at all! Immediately I start thinking deeply about root causes, how it came to be, why, what we have done wrong along the way, how to fix it.....its exhausting! But at the same time, I absolutely cannot just sit back and not question and think it through. It seems wrong and almost.....a cop-out?

 

Anyway that's enough of a tangent for now.

There is so much I want to say with regards to the rest of your text, but this is probably enough for this evening.

 

Wishing you a pleasant evening and as always, greatly enjoyed and appreciate your reply.

 

Thanks Starlight8.

 

That's what a lot of it is. Parenting. (Though they raised me as best as they could). I was was young, went through a lot but didn't know anything about myself and I lost a lot of confidence having battled illness growing up. It was tough. Faced bullying, was ostracized. As a result, was overprotected by my parents who ended up exacerbating the isolation and lack of confidence in me. Where I could have used more friends and more guidance from my dad, it lacked in my life and carried with me into my adult years. Once I hit about 18 years of age, I was lost as all hell. My priority became more about fitting in with the crowd and being liked so every decision I made in every aspect of my life was about that..even if it wasn't good for me. I never took the time to really pay attention to the damage I was causing myself because I didn't want to. I was hurt, angry. More problems ensued with school. Chose some unhealthy to be around and to date which hurt me further. Took me a long time and a lot of mistakes for me to course correct and learn where the sources of my problems were stemming from but I did it. I am just grateful that I was able to find my way through the mess.

 

Knowing where the sources are, helped me to stop it from affecting my future. I also eventually forgave the people I blamed for a long time which also helped me to let go. I started to take responsibility for myself. Learned to say no to people. Stopped caring about being liked and trying to have many friends. Changed completely. I still retain some old habits that occasionally come out from time to time that I am still working on but that's okay..like is a work-in process.

 

The way I am talking about myself right now, took a long time to come to. It didn't happen over night. It was a series of rock bottoms, rude awakenings, and successful moments over time that helped me slowly unravel the mess that I was. Somewhere along the way I realized, I'm okay with it. Nobody's perfect..nobody ever will be. It's the little imperfections that make us who we are. Make us interesting. As long as we strive to better ourselves, that's all that matters. I will always be learning and adjusting and improving and that'll always hold true until I am gone.

 

Keep taking time and figure it out. Be patient. Forgive yourself and enjoy the ride..and remember nobody can hurt you if you're at peace with yourself.

 

- Beach

Edited January 2, 2019 by Beachead

[starlight8]

Thanks Starlight8.

 

That's what a lot of it is. Parenting. (Though they raised me as best as they could). I was was young, went through a lot but didn't know anything about myself and I lost a lot of confidence having battled illness growing up. It was tough. Faced bullying, was ostracized. As a result, was overprotected by my parents who ended up exacerbating the isolation and lack of confidence in me. Where I could have used more friends and more guidance from my dad, it lacked in my life and carried with me into my adult years. Once I hit about 18 years of age, I was lost as all hell. My priority became more about fitting in with the crowd and being liked so every decision I made in every aspect of my life was about that..even if it wasn't good for me. I never took the time to really pay attention to the damage I was causing myself because I didn't want to. I was hurt, angry. More problems ensued with school. Chose some unhealthy to be around and to date which hurt me further. Took me a long time and a lot of mistakes for me to course correct and learn where the sources of my problems were stemming from but I did it. I am just grateful that I was able to find my way through the mess.

 

Knowing where the sources are, helped me to stop it from affecting my future. I also eventually forgave the people I blamed for a long time which also helped me to let go. I started to take responsibility for myself. Learned to say no to people. Stopped caring about being liked and trying to have many friends. Changed completely. I still retain some old habits that occasionally come out from time to time that I am still working on but that's okay..like is a work-in process.

 

The way I am talking about myself right now, took a long time to come to. It didn't happen over night. It was a series of rock bottoms, rude awakenings, and successful moments over time that helped me slowly unravel the mess that I was. Somewhere along the way I realized, I'm okay with it. Nobody's perfect..nobody ever will be. It's the little imperfections that make us who we are. Make us interesting. As long as we strive to better ourselves, that's all that matters. I will always be learning and adjusting and improving and that'll always hold true until I am gone.

 

Keep taking time and figure it out. Be patient. Forgive yourself and enjoy the ride..and remember nobody can hurt you if you're at peace with yourself.

 

- Beach

 

You and I are the male and female mirror images of one another, Beach. Your words are so much of me. Just a different course of events that led us to where we are!

 

There's nothing in what you say that I disagree with. It's funny really, reading your words, and having met similar, like-minded people in real life: it is always so blaringly obvious (isn't it always when its not us we're looking at!): good-hearted souls such as yourself need a little bit of what they project out, directed inwardly. Not just a bit, but a lot in fact. Ironic I say this, given that your earlier replies to this thread are pretty much: give more to yourself of what you give to others.

 

I would say there is one caveat to bear in mind with people like 'us' and that is: to avoid the martyr/victim mentality pitfall. I think though we possess a lot of empathy and understanding, there is a bit of me that is inclined to believe that what we offer to the world is often somehow, a reflection on what may be missing within us. That is to say, to avoid that pitfall which I know I certainly am prone to of: i do so much for so and so yet when I need it, they don't care (which can lead to a very depressive state). But when I really think about it: many times when we respond with urgent empathy, its because subconsciously, it helps to soothe US within ourselves to state out loud what we desperately crave...? I'm not entirely sure on how true this theory might be...like you said, being a work in progress and all, I don't know anything with any certainty.

 

That aside, life has picked up a bit the last few days.

Went back to hospital today after the xmas break. Had a long chat with a patient about her cancer diagnosis to write up on later on (we have to do this as part of our case report series), and what perspective it gave me. It wasn't draining either, it was just....I don't know, there's always this substantial philosophical element when conversing with people facing their own mortality. I recommend more people do it, even though it sounds weird, its a little bit unexplainable, but it just gives you meaning in a whole other way.

 

I also went to my appointments to sort out dental treatment and to sign contract for a new place, as I recognised that my current set-up is a negative environment. 2 of my friends surprised me with offering to drive all my things over for the move on Saturday, without me even asking.

And the guy I've been spending time with - we spent new years eve together with 2 of my friends, and it was so lovely and fun. We stayed up watching fun movies, and it was just nice and light, no crazy family drama, no-one needing to be helped or rescued from yet another dilemma/emotional turmoil of their own making for which they refuse to take responsibility for (my previous norm).

 

Like you said about enjoying the ride: I am appreciating and enjoying this period of recent relief. Just gotta ride with it, and keep on keeping on..

 

Thanks for your input, as always

[Beachead]

Beachead,

 

I really appreciate your insights.

 

What I have found with the concept of 'self-love' is that most of the current literature does not mention that 'self-love' needs to include only the highest aspects or characteristics of the Self,

and to exclude all lesser-lower tendencies towards anger, resentment, holding of grudges, etc.

 

That is, that the 'Original Self' does not contain any of the latter, and that only the former (with true understanding, truth, love, etc.,) can lead to true healing and making whole of the Self (or 'Soul').

Is this also your view of it, or a representative schema?

 

Hey Ronni_W,

 

Thank you for that.

 

I believe things like resentment, the regret, the envy, jealousy, and all those "lower tendencies" still matter. They are necessary to help you get to a place of clarity and strength.

 

As an example about my family, my parents overprotected me because I was the youngest and because I was sick. Because of that, it was hard for them to get it out of their head that I was growing up and I needed them to understand how I felt about my own life, my own struggles. I wasn't just an extension of them, I was my own person and I had my own thoughts and plans. I really felt a tremendous amount of resentment towards them back then. It had to build up over time in order for me to get to the point where I was brave enough to stand up to them. Once I did, it was a lot of fights for awhile. Each time we fought, they learned a bit more about me. I learned more about them. I also discovered a lot about myself. They were forced to let go, and I was forced to lead my own life which I never did. Forced me to grow up which took me down a path that showed me I was capable and skilled in my own way that was separate of my siblings. They in turn started to see that and loosen up. Over time, they started to believe in me. Started to put more responsibility onto me. I am able to forgive them now. I have patience with them. I understand their perspective and I can step back and let go of things they do without taking it seriously. It just happens naturally.

 

But to get there..I had to feel ugly things and be an ugly place.

 

We have to be open minded. We to have a moral compass so that we aren't consumed by our anger. We have to have support and guidance. And we need solitude to help us hear our own voice and thoughts so that we can make sense of the noise in our head.

 

- Beach

Edited January 4, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

You and I are the male and female mirror images of one another, Beach. Your words are so much of me. Just a different course of events that led us to where we are!

 

There's nothing in what you say that I disagree with. It's funny really, reading your words, and having met similar, like-minded people in real life: it is always so blaringly obvious (isn't it always when its not us we're looking at!): good-hearted souls such as yourself need a little bit of what they project out, directed inwardly. Not just a bit, but a lot in fact. Ironic I say this, given that your earlier replies to this thread are pretty much: give more to yourself of what you give to others.

 

I would say there is one caveat to bear in mind with people like 'us' and that is: to avoid the martyr/victim mentality pitfall. I think though we possess a lot of empathy and understanding, there is a bit of me that is inclined to believe that what we offer to the world is often somehow, a reflection on what may be missing within us. That is to say, to avoid that pitfall which I know I certainly am prone to of: i do so much for so and so yet when I need it, they don't care (which can lead to a very depressive state). But when I really think about it: many times when we respond with urgent empathy, its because subconsciously, it helps to soothe US within ourselves to state out loud what we desperately crave...? I'm not entirely sure on how true this theory might be...like you said, being a work in progress and all, I don't know anything with any certainty.

 

That aside, life has picked up a bit the last few days.

Went back to hospital today after the xmas break. Had a long chat with a patient about her cancer diagnosis to write up on later on (we have to do this as part of our case report series), and what perspective it gave me. It wasn't draining either, it was just....I don't know, there's always this substantial philosophical element when conversing with people facing their own mortality. I recommend more people do it, even though it sounds weird, its a little bit unexplainable, but it just gives you meaning in a whole other way.

 

I also went to my appointments to sort out dental treatment and to sign contract for a new place, as I recognised that my current set-up is a negative environment. 2 of my friends surprised me with offering to drive all my things over for the move on Saturday, without me even asking.

And the guy I've been spending time with - we spent new years eve together with 2 of my friends, and it was so lovely and fun. We stayed up watching fun movies, and it was just nice and light, no crazy family drama, no-one needing to be helped or rescued from yet another dilemma/emotional turmoil of their own making for which they refuse to take responsibility for (my previous norm).

 

Like you said about enjoying the ride: I am appreciating and enjoying this period of recent relief. Just gotta ride with it, and keep on keeping on..

 

Thanks for your input, as always

 

Hey Starlight8,

 

Sorry for the delay. I just needed to sit on your post for a little bit and gather my thoughts.

 

It would we are quite similar indeed and that is nice thing to discover .

 

I'd say your pretty accurate with your theory.

 

I used to go out o my way to give to my friends at the expense of my life and I did it because I was unhappy with myself and also afraid to face my future. I'd have an exam the next day but would stay up and help a friend deal with their relationship problems. I would take a day off work to hang out with people. I would also be there and say yes to everything, trying to be a good friend, so that people would like me and appreciate me.

 

What I learned is only do because you want to do. Never do, hoping hoping that this person will return the favour. If they don't, you'll resent them. The only way you can give without expectation is to fix what is lacking within you so that you can restore that internal strength. When it's there, it'll pour to others naturally without you expecting anything in return because you don't need anything back from them because you're okay on your own. But the more wounded we are, the more we seek from others what is lacking within us. The more we try to take and we may unconsciously be deceptive to ourselves about it. Such as overly helping others in hopes that they would love us back simply because we don't realize we are great people. That's where things go wrong.

 

Glad life as picked up for you in the past week. I hope she makes it. Illness and the threat of death changes everything about the way we life. That's what happened to me after I was diagnosed with my illness as a kid. I became very aware of taking things for granted. I was humbled in that I had to give up a lot of what I loved doing at the time such as soccer and martial arts and sports because I was physically limited. My best simply did not suffice. Feeling my body fall apart to the point where I was at the mercy of healthcare, made things very real for me. That's something that I never forgot and it was pivotal in my life.

 

Anyway, I'll leave it as that. Stay strong. You're doing well

- Beach

Edited January 4, 2019 by Beachead

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Beach.

 

We have in common that my mother also thought that I was only an extension of herself (and still does...but that's a reason why we don't have a constructive, mutually rewarding relationship.)

 

 

I believe things like resentment, the regret, the envy, jealousy, and all those "lower tendencies" still matter. They are necessary to help you get to a place of clarity and strength.

 

I 100% agree; those types of feelings are meant to help us realize that there is something 'out of whack' with how we are experiencing our own life,

and that it is up to us to figure out and fix whatever it is.

 

My larger point was that most people do not teach that this is the only thing of value about those types of feelings; that they are not meant to be held onto forever,

or accepted or loved for anything else...other than that those feelings have helped us to come to a place of patience, understanding, compassion and inner peace.

 

If we try to 'accept and love' our angry and/or resentful self, it's difficult if not impossible precisely because we do have that inner compass where we know

that this is not the highest expression of which our Self is capable. (If that makes sense?)