In need of a friend...

[Anna_Maria]

Hi, I'm kind of new here. I visited once or twice long time ago, but for a long time I needed nothing, no help or advice - at least not dramatically. What I mean, I had some friends, and my relationship with my husband was less troublesome.

It's not like I never had any close friends - I did. the first one was the longest time friend and cousin - but are lives are so totally different, and she lives far away, then another, far away too, serious differences emerged. Well, about 20 years ago I had to learn the hard way that a friendship shouldn't be too one-sided. I usually was much more giving (in a metaphorical sense) - in a sense of initiating contact and conversations etc. Once I learned to balance, it turned out I'm not so needed as a friend to some, so I had just a very limited number of friends, but that was perfect, as long as they were there. And then there was my husband. He became my friend too. A really good one - until now. i don't count in virtual friends who turned out not to be so ok in real life, or anyway, not so willing to be friends, or I just got disillusioned time after time until I had enough. I am no saint, I bet it went both ways...

But it gets harder and harder not having someone to talk to about things that matter when my husband is more difficult to talk to, not to mention he is intent on talking much, not so much on listening. And it's maddening. We have four kids, all at home cause we homeschool them, and he is at home too - he was made redundant about 3 years ago and has been inventing reasons not to look for a job. His most valid reason is that he has SM, a disease not quite visible but for symptoms, however, it hasn't been visible for years... He just wants to stay at home. One of us has to - if we want to homeschool, and we do. But I want it to be me. At least my work is not 8h a day, but a few at most - as a teacher in a language school.

So that's the basic problem, but like a cake with layers, it's only a foundation, and there is now layer upon a layer... I get more and more irritated and unhappy.

 

I just need a friend badly. I can't just complain about my life and my husband to my husband all the time. And I want different perspective too, but I can't talk to his family (obviously), can't talk to my mum cause she never liked him, or my brother cause we have no real relationship so...

How do I find somebody to talk to about a lot, a friend who will listen, not judge, just listen and make a conversation...

 

Are such people on this forum?

Cause my experience with chatrooms is limited and rather negative, but perhaps I don't know where to look? And I don't like social media either - I had facebook account but got so tired of it. It was so d*mn superficial...

Please, just give me a link, or sth to find somebody to talk to. In real life - it is not likely for me. I am either at home or at work, and that with students all ages, so not likely to become friends - they are my clients. Neighbours are either really old and people my age already have friends, not looking for new ones. So, even if it has been problematic before, to an extent, I prefer an online friendship. It'll be easier, considering my life circumstances.

Well, that's a long post... I hope somebody will read through all of that...

[d0nnivain]

I don't have a link to give you. I don't believe you can find a friend on line.

 

Instead I would encourage you to get out there & do things. Join clubs. Get involved in your community. Volunteer somewhere. Get your kids involved with home school group activities; you take them & talk to the other parents.

 

You also need to talk to your husband about how much you resent being the bread winner while he stays home. That, not lack of friends, is the heart of your problem.

[Anna_Maria]

I don't have a link to give you. I don't believe you can find a friend on line.

 

Instead I would encourage you to get out there & do things. Join clubs. Get involved in your community. Volunteer somewhere. Get your kids involved with home school group activities; you take them & talk to the other parents.

 

You also need to talk to your husband about how much you resent being the bread winner while he stays home. That, not lack of friends, is the heart of your problem.

Thanks, but I can't do most of that.... First of all, the other homeschoolers are either too busy with their own life (or at least that's what they project) or too far away, we tried that. There are no clubs or communities where I live, not close enough. If I wanted to go a bit farther, my husband would resent it, he always does. He doesn't even like me to go shopping alone because for him that is more time alone with 4 kids... He only likes my going to work, because it's not the standard 8 hours plus commuting.

 

 

As for the last - that's the truth, it's the main problem - but it is also true that he hates it to talk about that. Whenever I start that subject, no matter how delicate I try to be, or when it's in an angry frustrated discussion - it always ends badly for us. It makes no sense to talk about it anymore

 

 

So - I guess it's hopeless. Maybe when my youngest kid is a bit older I'll be able to take my kids to some other families farther away, now I either work or homeschool and do housework. And get tired. Then I just read or watch kids play.

My husband wouldn't take them anywhere but for a walk or to a shop, says that's too much trouble because of the 2year old. So. We have not been to vacation for a long time because he always oposes the idea as it scares him to go anywhere with all the kids. So I really don't see how to go about in search of a real life friend right now.

 

 

It leaves me with an idea of a psychologist. I'd have to pay, but at least sb would listen to me and help me through this stressful period.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know that much about home schooling but all the parents I know who do it are always looking for activities for the kids -- sports leagues, academic competitions (Mock Trial, Model UN, etc), scouts etc. The parents have an hour or two to talk to each other while the kids interact.

 

There are clubs in your area. Check out the Red Hat Ladies. Go to their website & type in your zip code. There are tons of these groups.

 

It's election season. Somebody in your little hamlet is running for something. Go help them get elected.

[nospam99]

I don't believe you can find a friend on line.

 

 

donni and I usually agree and I respect her opinions and especially her willingness to offer helpful advice here on LS. BUT in this case I disagree because I have found friends, just to talk to though, online.

 

Ironically, I don't and never have owned a gun. I'm not a prepper. I haven't 'taken the red pill'. And I'm bored by the whining quitters on MGTOW. All that said, I've made online friends in all those communities. Granted an awful lot of the guys (few women there, with the reasons being more obvious in the red pill and MGTOW communities) are, to put it not so gently, cray-cray. But the ones that are not nuts have very strong values about personal integrity, personal responsibility, and 'family first' that align with my values.

 

For me it took MONTHS to identify the people in those communities that I could be friends with. I read a lot of posts and did a lot of chatting in chatrooms. It's been more than a decade all together. But with time I did identify a few 'upright' dudes (LOL - one of them even offered me his surplus bear steaks, of course after his rotties had gotten the prime cuts) and ONE dudette (last I heard she had found an SO and was 'tieing the knot) and even met three in real life.

[Anna_Maria]

I have political views, but I don't act on them. I won't. In my country it's to exhausting...

Never heard of the Red Hat stuff. My area is the middle of Poland. And the main problem right now is how my husband reacts to my leaving home for sth other than work or church, so...

Besides, it's not about looking for acquaintences to talk for a short time once a while - I have those. I need sb to talk often about my personal life, serious stuff etc. It's not like I live in a desert, but I feel isolated when all I'm expected to do with new "friends" is a small talk. I don't need more small talk in my life.

 

 

I need sb I can trust, who will have time for me, and who will need me too. It was very easy at school, and at university, at first normal job; it seems impossible now, on the outskirts of a big city, with few people to connect with and the kind of husband I have. I hope our problems will go away one day, I never mean to leave him etc. We were great friends before. It's difficult right now.

[Anna_Maria]

I need to add sth, after reading nospam's post - I was asking about links etc, because I do believe it's possible to find friends online just to talk. Even though most of it was disappointment in the end, I actually met my husband online on games related forum. We met in real life after weeks of intense talking, messenger type first, then skype and phone.

 

 

But that was a long time ago and for now... Perhaps it's a good way, to go through hundreds of posts and chatrooms, but do I have time, when I need sb right now?

 

 

Well, I'm trying at least. This forum here, my thread here is the first thing I've actually done instead of just whining about how friendless I am.

 

 

Perhaps I'll try harder at work this time... There's a lot of teachers after all there.

But I don't want to give up the internet, you know. I spend here quite some time, when I don't work or kids do their own things. Though obviously the youngest is very absorbing, but since my husband insists on staying home, he takes care of him too.

[Malin889]

How about people at work? I've made so many life long friends at different jobs I've had. Also, and this may be a last resort, but someone on this forum mentioned something about Bumble bff - I guess you find friends on there? Try that. One thing don't do - don't completely spill your heart out to people you just met. Wait a few months before telling your problems.

[bum4evr]

I am intrigued by this topic.. at first I thought it might be a scam.. pretend to be a lonely lady and hook some guy, chat with him a few weeks and then ask for $1300 because her sister's foot was bitten off by a raccoon and needs surgery.. I fell for that scam twice so I thought it was possible..

 

But.. it seems she just needs a friend who will listen, and who is sane and able to give sane advice.. I think she is not happy with her current life and is looking to make a change.. but she understands that making a change is risky and she could end up better off or worse off then things are now.

 

Of all the quotes I have heard in a movie, there is one I will never forget because it is SO TRUE... its from a Meg Ryan movie called "Riding in Cars With Boys" and she said: "All life is is four or five big days that change everything"

 

I will be the friend you need AnnA.. chat my ear off.. but remember I am brutally honest..

 

I sometimes wonder if I have any of those "Big Days" left.. or have I used them all up...

Edited October 8, 2018 by bum4evr
I was really drunk.. or high.. heck I cant remember! :)

[Anna_Maria]

Thanks guys. With work is not so great now. I work hours, not full time, and currently I'm likely going to have only individual classes, which I like best btw, but that means contanct with clients not coworkers.

I'm better though. For now.

bum4vr, how do I chat to yoy? I'll try priv, but I don't know if that's what you meant.

[Anna_Maria]

I am intrigued by this topic.. at first I thought it might be a scam.. pretend to be a lonely lady and hook some guy, chat with him a few weeks and then ask for $1300 because her sister's foot was bitten off by a raccoon and needs surgery.. I fell for that scam twice so I thought it was possible..

 

But.. it seems she just needs a friend who will listen, and who is sane and able to give sane advice.. I think she is not happy with her current life and is looking to make a change.. but she understands that making a change is risky and she could end up better off or worse off then things are now.

 

Of all the quotes I have heard in a movie, there is one I will never forget because it is SO TRUE... its from a Meg Ryan movie called "Riding in Cars With Boys" and she said: "All life is is four or five big days that change everything"

 

I will be the friend you need AnnA.. chat my ear off.. but remember I am brutally honest..

 

I sometimes wonder if I have any of those "Big Days" left.. or have I used them all up...

I'm writing again and with quote so maybe you get notified by the forum that I wrote, since I don't seea any chat options, nor private messages options which is really wierd, so unforumlike...

 

So thank you but I don't know how to do that, and I don't want to put my email out there in the public like that.

 

I'll add while I'm at it I was really surprised somebody might think a post like that is a scam. Do people do that kind of stuff? I guess they do worse, too, I'm just that naive about humans...