Teens, school and your method?

[Gaeta]

Two months ago I was given the guardianship of a 14 year old. She is very smart and witty, she has a fun personality, teachers like her, kids like her, she makes friends, etc....but she hates school. She hates being in class, she says it's boring, she won't make an effort to study on her own, when she does her homework she takes no pride in it, her sheet is wrinkled, she won't erase a mistake she'll just scratch it or write over it, etc.

 

I understand kids don't like school when it's hard for them, when they're loners or shy it's hard to make friends but she has nothing of that going on.

 

I thought of starting a reward system that if she applies herself, take some pride in learning and pride into doing her work she would get rewards, my bf thinks it's a bad idea, his method is more about being on her back till she does it right.

 

She comes from a home her mom didn't finish high school so didn't understand her homework and let her do what she wanted with it.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Thank you

 

 

.

[No_Go]

Could you hire a private tutor for her? If she’s not good at class, she may respond better to one on one lessons.

 

Does she have distractions - e.g. a boyfriend or group of friends that steer her away from her school duties?

[Gaeta]

Could you hire a private tutor for her? If she’s not good at class, she may respond better to one on one lessons.

 

Does she have distractions - e.g. a boyfriend or group of friends that steer her away from her school duties?

 

 

Yep, she is being tutored 2-3 nights out of 7. Most of her mistakes are inattention not learning difficulties. One evening she had a text-comprehension homework to do. When she gave me her paper to check she said 'I gotta tell you I rushed through it'. Of course half of it was wrong. I had her re-do it sitting next to me and slowing her down a little and she got it all right on her own.

 

 

 

The only distractions is her art-work. She's an artist she draws unbelievably well she can draw you in 20 minutes you'd think it's a picture. That is ALL she wants to do, all the time, draw. She participates to a lot of online contests, thousands of people follow her.

[Artdeco]

Yep, she is being tutored 2-3 nights out of 7. Most of her mistakes are inattention not learning difficulties. One evening she had a text-comprehension homework to do. When she gave me her paper to check she said 'I gotta tell you I rushed through it'. Of course half of it was wrong. I had her re-do it sitting next to me and slowing her down a little and she got it all right on her own.

 

 

 

The only distractions is her art-work. She's an artist she draws unbelievably well she can draw you in 20 minutes you'd think it's a picture. That is ALL she wants to do, all the time, draw. She participates to a lot of online contests, thousands of people follow her.

 

That’s awesome! She seems to be a great kid. Why so much tutoring, though? Maybe it’s too much organized learning for her, and she’d do much better with encouragement and praise (which I’m sure you’re giving her already). Once she’s completed a task well, tell her that she has every reason to be proud of herself, and ask her how it feels to have something accomplished all on her own. Maybe reduce the weekly tutoring a bit, and make it a reward, like “you know I thought you’d be very much capable of taking care of your own schoolwork, so what would you think abt having a tutor only X times a week instead of Y? Of course you’d be in charge of your own learning then, but i trust you with that.......” (and of course you should still check her homework and help her when needed)

 

Maybe that’ll motivate her a bit? She seems to be a lovely, intelligent kid, despite her previous family troubles. She sounds like somebody who’s reasonable and responsible. Maybe she just needs to hear that.

[No_Go]

Was she like this before? Lack of attention can be due to stress, or also related to her age and she may outgrow it.

 

Artwork sounds great. Maybe you can get her something related to it (new materials etc) if she performs better in the 'boring' classes? Positive reinforcement is not a bad idea IMO.

 

Yep, she is being tutored 2-3 nights out of 7. Most of her mistakes are inattention not learning difficulties. One evening she had a text-comprehension homework to do. When she gave me her paper to check she said 'I gotta tell you I rushed through it'. Of course half of it was wrong. I had her re-do it sitting next to me and slowing her down a little and she got it all right on her own.

 

 

 

The only distractions is her art-work. She's an artist she draws unbelievably well she can draw you in 20 minutes you'd think it's a picture. That is ALL she wants to do, all the time, draw. She participates to a lot of online contests, thousands of people follow her.

[nospam99]

Parent of three 20-something sons here, all of whom did (finally) complete Associate degrees. It was a challenge and they all underachieved. I feel totally justified blaming my ex for the underachievement - she did just about zero discipline - EVER.

 

IMHO, public school is for 1) socialization 2) knowledge and 3) grades. It sounds like she's got the socialization down so next priority.

 

Is she assimilating the knowledge that the school is making available, the knowledge that will enable her to function as an adult? This can be achieved with or without the concomitant grades. If yes, next.

 

Ah yes, grades. (Straight A student here all the way through grad school. I'm not convinced it made a difference in my life aside from an incidental ego boost.) Do you care about her grades? Does she? Is she achieving good grades? Probably not if she doesn't like school and 'mails in' the homework. How 'good' to you think her grades 'should' be? Are you willing to set up an incentive program (or punishment)? If yes, I suggest you sit down with her and develop the incentive program together: how often to review (daily? weekly? each report card?) and what the rewards should be. If you have to go to a punishment plan, I suggest dictation rather than negotiation using various kinds of grounding (cell, internet, sleepovers, parties, school sports (spectating rather than participation), dances, transportation, trips).

 

All that said, continue to support and encourage her art interest.

[BluEyeL]

I’d go with tutoring and keeping a close eye on her. Put in the time to know what she needs to study every day. Keep talking to her about how she needs to finish Hugh school to have a chance at a good life. Keep talking .

 

With my son, who is 16, I personally tutor him on the subjects he has trouble with. I wasn’t tutoring him when he was little.

 

I tutored Algebra 1 in 8th grade. Didn’t have to tutor anything in 9th. Hired a tutor for algebra 2 in 10th grade but also assigned him extra practice and check on him if he did it. And I tutored him Honors Chemistry . We barely got B on that though, I didn’t put in enough effort. Hired the tutor for precalculus in 11th grade and also assign him extra practice for tests. And now I’m tutoring honors physics. I first let him do it himself but he got Fs on his first two tests and the teacher told him to drop down to regular. So now I do physics with him every day. He got 100 on his third test but I prepared the crap out of him to the point he was able to solve those dynamics problems in his sleep.

 

His problem is also innatention and if I leave him alone to study difficult matter he’s just dreaming and not focusing and not putting in any mental effort.

 

We go out for late lunch every day after his school and for walks and talk talk talk. He admits that if I left him to his own devices he’d be much much worse off schoolwise.

 

So I believe the way to go is to put a lot of time and effort and to make the kids understand how school may be boring but it’s a necessary evil and have to go through it for their own good.

[nospam99]

Thoughts on grades:

 

If this 'young lady' is sufficiently talented artistically that she will be able to make a career of it, I'd 'lighten up' on the grades. Otherwise ...

 

I think students generally need to sustain a solid C or a C+ to continue to advance academically. I think it's a bad idea to play it close to a limit because of the risk of a bad grade or two dropping the GPA below the threshold. B- is probably a 'safe' target. For my underachieving sons, B to B+ was 'enough'. Where they went to community college, B+ got the student on the Dean's List, A- on the President's List. A lot depends on what the admission criteria for the next level is if the teen or 'young adult' is going to want to continue formal education.

[JuneL]

Unfortunately, this seems to be the norm for kids these days or even for some Millennial kids. I have witnessed time and again how parents have to work so hard for their kids school work, even when these kids are in college. This is ironic, because these parents are highly educated (we are talking about even Ivy League college professors). It’s not surprising many Millennial kids continue to stay with their parents after college. They probably call their parents up when they have questions at work in their 30s.

 

I don’t envy parents of this generation: They have to study harder than their kids while having a full-time job, and they have to save both for their retirement and for their kids future expenses.

 

 

I’d go with tutoring and keeping a close eye on her. Put in the time to know what she needs to study every day. Keep talking to her about how she needs to finish Hugh school to have a chance at a good life. Keep talking .

 

With my son, who is 16, I personally tutor him on the subjects he has trouble with. I wasn’t tutoring him when he was little.

 

I tutored Algebra 1 in 8th grade. Didn’t have to tutor anything in 9th. Hired a tutor for algebra 2 in 10th grade but also assigned him extra practice and check on him if he did it. And I tutored him Honors Chemistry . We barely got B on that though, I didn’t put in enough effort. Hired the tutor for precalculus in 11th grade and also assign him extra practice for tests. And now I’m tutoring honors physics. I first let him do it himself but he got Fs on his first two tests and the teacher told him to drop down to regular. So now I do physics with him every day. He got 100 on his third test but I prepared the crap out of him to the point he was able to solve those dynamics problems in his sleep.

 

His problem is also innatention and if I leave him alone to study difficult matter he’s just dreaming and not focusing and not putting in any mental effort.

 

We go out for late lunch every day after his school and for walks and talk talk talk. He admits that if I left him to his own devices he’d be much much worse off schoolwise.

 

So I believe the way to go is to put a lot of time and effort and to make the kids understand how school may be boring but it’s a necessary evil and have to go through it for their own good.

Edited October 4, 2018 by JuneL

[Gaeta]

That’s awesome! She seems to be a great kid. Why so much tutoring, though? Maybe it’s too much organized learning for her, and she’d do much better with encouragement and praise (which I’m sure you’re giving her already)..

In the past 18 months while she was with her mother and her criminal-boyfriend, her grades when down the drain. Here we work with % not letters. Some of her grades went down to 40/100 and 50/100. She needs to be brought up to speed. My daughter is tutoring her 2 nights a week, a 3rd night if she has a test. It's a lot I realize but at least it's not with a stranger and she can take pauses.

 

 

 

Once she’s completed a task well, tell her that she has every reason to be proud of herself, and ask her how it feels to have something accomplished all on her own. Maybe reduce the weekly tutoring a bit, and make it a reward, like “you know I thought you’d be very much capable of taking care of your own schoolwork, so what would you think abt having a tutor only X times a week instead of Y? Of course you’d be in charge of your own learning then, but i trust you with that.......” (and of course you should still check her homework and help her when needed)

 

Maybe that’ll motivate her a bit? She seems to be a lovely, intelligent kid, despite her previous family troubles. She sounds like somebody who’s reasonable and responsible. Maybe she just needs to hear that.

 

 

Thank you for reminding me all that! Positive reinforcement, and the power in repeating positive things. I sure remember my parents repeating over and over to be good in school because our future depended on it. It did impact us. I try to tell her often I believe in her abilities and want her to believe in herself as well.

[BluEyeL]

Unfortunately, this seems to be the norm for kids these days or even for some Millennial kids. I have witnessed time and again how parents have to work so hard for their kids school work, even when these kids are in college. This is ironic, because these parents are highly educated (we are talking about even Ivy League college professors). It’s not surprising many Millennial kids continue to stay with their parents after college. They probably call their parents up when they have questions at work in their 30s.

 

I don’t envy parents of this generation: They have to study harder than their kids while having a full-time job, and they have to save both for their retirement and for their kids future expenses.

I knew someone will say exactly that. We will see what will happen, maybe my son will hang around until he's 40, maybe not.

 

 

 

I am a first generation immigrant, coming from Eastern Europe and I was raised in that culture. All first generation immigrants I know (surely there are some exceptions) work like me. Do you think the Chinese kids who are so brilliant are that way by sitting around having fun? No, their parents do exactly what I do. And much much more!

 

 

 

My parents put everything in my and my sister's schooling. We never had to do "chores" and all we had to do is study study study. Tutors etc. Turns out, I left to be 10,000 km away, far from hanging around. So much for how cool it is staying in dorms and how awesomely independent it makes you. I lived at home until I finished college, moved out, worked for 4 years and left the country alone. My experience makes me confident that's how it'll be with my son too.

 

 

Edit to add: yeah, I would tutor him in college too if needed, unfortunately he's going to do Computers Science and I can't do any of that. But if he needs tutors, I'll hire them.

Edited October 4, 2018 by BluEyeL

[Gaeta]

Was she like this before? Lack of attention can be due to stress, or also related to her age and she may outgrow it.

 

Artwork sounds great. Maybe you can get her something related to it (new materials etc) if she performs better in the 'boring' classes? Positive reinforcement is not a bad idea IMO.

 

 

She goes through a lot of stress for sure, we are just starting to settle. Before this week it was court after court, doctor, specialist, it never stopped.

 

 

 

My daughter promised her a type of electronic pad for drawing if she brings all her grades above 70/100.

[No_Go]

She goes through a lot of stress for sure, we are just starting to settle. Before this week it was court after court, doctor, specialist, it never stopped.

 

 

 

My daughter promised her a type of electronic pad for drawing if she brings all her grades above 70/100.

 

That sounds good:) I remember my grandmother promised to take me out for lunch if my grades were perfect. Not sure if this was the reason but I finished all my classes with straight A

 

Court stuff would be hard on anyone let alone a teenager. She’ll probably get more focused once this is over for good.

[JuneL]

I came from East Asian culture. Yeah kids from my generation were expected to study study study, but without any help from parents, and were expected to share chores. I have no doubt East Asian kids of this generation are surrounded by teams of tutors.

 

Oh, I also moved thousands of miles by myself to this country, albeit when I was a bit younger than you

 

I think this is a generation thing, not a cultural thing.

 

 

I knew someone will say exactly that. We will see what will happen, maybe my son will hang around until he's 40, maybe not.

 

 

 

I am a first generation immigrant, coming from Eastern Europe and I was raised in that culture. All first generation immigrants I know (surely there are some exceptions) work like me. Do you think the Chinese kids who are so brilliant are that way by sitting around having fun? No, their parents do exactly what I do. And much much more!

 

 

 

My parents put everything in my and my sister's schooling. We never had to do "chores" and all we had to do is study study study. Tutors etc. Turns out, I left to be 10,000 km away, far from hanging around. So much for how cool it is staying in dorms and how awesomely independent it makes you. I lived at home until I finished college, moved out, worked for 4 years and left the country alone. My experience makes me confident that's how it'll be with my son too.

 

 

Edit to add: yeah, I would tutor him in college too if needed, unfortunately he's going to do Computers Science and I can't do any of that. But if he needs tutors, I'll hire them.

[BluEyeL]

I came from East Asian culture. Yeah kids from my generation were expected to study study study, but without any help from parents, and were expected to share chores. I have no doubt East Asian kids of this generation are surrounded by teams of tutors.

 

Oh, I also moved thousands of miles by myself to this country, albeit when I was a bit younger than you

 

I think this is a generation thing, not a cultural thing.

No to argue ad nauseam but our cultures are a bit different. I was surrounded by a team of tutors and didn't do any chores. My son does chores. We will see, will write to you in 6 years to let you know if the kid got a job or not. lol

 

 

Edit to add: my parents worked with me until 7th grade then left it to tutors, it got hard. It worked the other way around for me, didn't need to work with the kid until 8th grade. And I do it because I can. Otherwise I'd hire a physics tutor.

Edited October 4, 2018 by BluEyeL

[JuneL]

No to argue ad nauseam but our cultures are a bit different. I was surrounded by a team of tutors and didn't do any chores. My son does chores. We will see, will write to you in 6 years to let you know if the kid got a job or not. lol

 

 

Edit to add: my parents worked with me until 7th grade then left it to tutors, it got hard. It worked the other way around for me, didn't need to work with the kid until 8th grade. And I do it because I can. Otherwise I'd hire a physics tutor.

 

I’m sure your son will get a great job

 

I’m always grateful that my parents have instilled this value that we’re the ones who are responsible for our own schoolwork. It would be almost impossible for me to pass on this value to my kids, as they would always be like “But so and so has teams of tutors!”

[BluEyeL]

I’m sure your son will get a great job

 

I’m always grateful that my parents have instilled this value that we’re the ones who are responsible for our own schoolwork. It would be almost impossible for me to pass on this value to my kids, as they would always be like “But so and so has teams of tutors!”

It’s not like kids advertise they have teams of tutors. It’s hush hush . So I don’t think you’ll have that issue.

[Haydn]

I don`t understand any of my kids homework.

 

But they do speak several languages effortlessly.

 

One is learning French now, despite my protestations.

 

Only joking Gaeta.

 

A lot depends on the teachers at school.

 

Some can make anything interesting.

 

Others, not.

 

One of mine had a real issue with maths until a new teacher arrived on the scene.

 

Tutors are the way to go i guess or sometimes other school friends.

 

Good luck.

[JuneL]

It’s not like kids advertise they have teams of tutors. It’s hush hush . So I don’t think you’ll have that issue.

 

Btw, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think having tutors or getting help from parents (or older siblings) are necessarily bad. In fact, I think the best scenario is for the kid to really try and then have someone to ask when s/he has difficulty. But I see many kids of this generation simply let their parents “manage” their schoolwork.

 

And I don’t have kids yet ;-)

[noelle303]

I think you're doing really well Gaeta, you just need to stick it out. You have to remember that study habits develop from a very early age. Since this girl clearly, due to her upbringing, didn't develop them or developed really bad ones, it will take time to correct it.

 

Just persist, help out where you can and practice some positive reinforcement and encouragment. Positive comments and constructive criticism when needed go a long way.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you're doing really well Gaeta, you just need to stick it out. You have to remember that study habits develop from a very early age. Since this girl clearly, due to her upbringing, didn't develop them or developed really bad ones, it will take time to correct it.

 

Just persist, help out where you can and practice some positive reinforcement and encouragment. Positive comments and constructive criticism when needed go a long way.

 

Great advice. Gaeta, when you wrote this...

 

She comes from a home her mom didn't finish high school so didn't understand her homework and let her do what she wanted with it.

 

...the challenge was pretty clear, as was the fact you're not going to turn her into a study nerd overnight. Be persistent and positive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

A few thoughts... For what they are worth.

 

First, she has been through a tremendous upheaval. I would cut her a little slack this fall, it will take her time to process all that has happened in her life. School may not be the most important thing to her right now...

 

Second, internal motivation is always the best motivator. If there is a way that you can praise her efforts, such that she becomes proud of her work and wants to do better, that would be a good plan. If her mother didn't graduate high school, she may not see the importance or she may not believe that she can do it! You will show her that she can, and will. Everyone wants to be appreciated for their work, they want that validation... If you do reward her, spend time with her or give her something she really wants (ie. registration in an art class).

 

You know her passion - feed it! Give her the opportunity to balance the extra tutoring with something new that she will love. Try a new art medium that interests her. It will bring balance to her life and make the extra tutoring feel a little less like drudgery...

 

And finally, don't take away her art. I know - you won't. But, it's tempting to give her a consequence if her grades are bad and that would be one option (technology another perhaps). Just think, this is the thing that she loves and to take that away during is very stressful period of time in her life... Well, that would be very sad.

 

Good luck Gaeta!

[Gaeta]

Thank you all for your encouragement. It's been 15 years since I had a teen her age so it's coming back to me bit by bit.

 

 

 

Last weekend I had problems with my Internet so they sent a technician over to changed my router. He told me I could cut the wifi when I go to bed, I looked at him and said.........why would I cut the wifi at bed time ? (lol) I caught on from there. Things have changed a lot since 15 years ago.

[Gaeta]

A few thoughts... For what they are worth.

 

First, she has been through a tremendous upheaval. I would cut her a little slack this fall, it will take her time to process all that has happened in her life. School may not be the most important thing to her right now...

 

Second, internal motivation is always the best motivator. If there is a way that you can praise her efforts, such that she becomes proud of her work and wants to do better, that would be a good plan. If her mother didn't graduate high school, she may not see the importance or she may not believe that she can do it! You will show her that she can, and will. Everyone wants to be appreciated for their work, they want that validation... If you do reward her, spend time with her or give her something she really wants (ie. registration in an art class).

 

You know her passion - feed it! Give her the opportunity to balance the extra tutoring with something new that she will love. Try a new art medium that interests her. It will bring balance to her life and make the extra tutoring feel a little less like drudgery...

 

And finally, don't take away her art. I know - you won't. But, it's tempting to give her a consequence if her grades are bad and that would be one option (technology another perhaps). Just think, this is the thing that she loves and to take that away during is very stressful period of time in her life... Well, that would be very sad.

 

Good luck Gaeta!

 

 

A few thoughts that are worth a lot :-) Thank you

[thefooloftheyear]

She sounds exactly like my daughter...

 

My daughter is really a brilliant kid, that gets straight A's, but also hates school...It's all she complains about...And it not a social thing...She is actually very pretty and very popular...

 

In her case, I think I ruined her.....

 

I have often stated that school isn't as vital if you are a self motivated and inherently intelligent person..Which is, to a certain degree, true..I just should have never said it in her presence..That's on me...And I am trying to back track that...

 

I will say that part of the problem is the local school district here has hired mostly younger women to teach HS...I'm sure its a cost cutting measure and I live in an affluent area, no less...Go figure..These are women barely out of college(mid 20s) with little to no real life experience...Its not that far of a stretch to say that some of the HS students may actually be brighter and more rounded than the teachers..That creates some cynicism, I know it does for my kid, as she talks about it and will often come home and tell me something ridiculously stupid one of these teachers will do/say in the class..

 

I'm not fighting it anymore...For one. she is an only child that will have enough inheritance so she'll never need to worry about money(unless she completely screws up)..I am going focus on guiding her in her passions and real desired, and putting most effort towards that...That may be your best bet, I dunno...

 

Good luck...I feel your pain...I get tired of hearing her crap on school all the time....Its exhausting...

 

TFY