Teens, school and your method?

[JuneL]

I don’t think the sister of the OP’s daughter is in the same situation.

 

If your daughter is getting straight As and thinks her teachers are not stimulating enough, what exactly is the issue? Since it sounds like you can afford it, why not just send her to a private school with more rigorous standards? Also, the beauty of the US system is that she can take classes directly in a college, even as a high school kid.

 

She sounds exactly like my daughter...

 

My daughter is really a brilliant kid, that gets straight A's, but also hates school...It's all she complains about...And it not a social thing...She is actually very pretty and very popular...

 

In her case, I think I ruined her.....

 

I have often stated that school isn't as vital if you are a self motivated and inherently intelligent person..Which is, to a certain degree, true..I just should have never said it in her presence..That's on me...And I am trying to back track that...

 

I will say that part of the problem is the local school district here has hired mostly younger women to teach HS...I'm sure its a cost cutting measure and I live in an affluent area, no less...Go figure..These are women barely out of college(mid 20s) with little to no real life experience...Its not that far of a stretch to say that some of the HS students may actually be brighter and more rounded than the teachers..That creates some cynicism, I know it does for my kid, as she talks about it and will often come home and tell me something ridiculously stupid one of these teachers will do/say in the class..

 

I'm not fighting it anymore...For one. she is an only child that will have enough inheritance so she'll never need to worry about money(unless she completely screws up)..I am going focus on guiding her in her passions and real desired, and putting most effort towards that...That may be your best bet, I dunno...

 

Good luck...I feel your pain...I get tired of hearing her crap on school all the time....Its exhausting...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

I don’t think the sister of the OP’s daughter is in the same situation.

 

If your daughter is getting straight As and thinks her teachers are not stimulating enough, what exactly is the issue? Since it sounds like you can afford it, why not just send her to a private school with more rigorous standards? Also, the beauty of the US system is that she can take classes directly in a college, even as a high school kid.

 

 

If we send her to private HS(which of course was already considered), then id have to pay the private school tuition, and then the almost 12K/yr we pay in school taxes will be flushed down the toilet...I'm not ready to do that..It's not even about the money...Its more the principle..

 

She is in advanced classes and is an unbelievably gifted writer...Her work is already at college level....I hope she gravitates toward that avenue...The thoughts that come out of that kids head are really something to amaze...

 

But I can't for the life of me to get her to enjoy the school experience...She just doesn't like anything about it...

 

TFY

[nospam99]

But I can't for the life of me to get her to enjoy the school experience...She just doesn't like anything about it...

 

TFY

 

Socialize? Sports? Other after school activities? Is she 'buds' (or BFFs) with any of her classmates?

[noelle303]

If we send her to private HS(which of course was already considered), then id have to pay the private school tuition, and then the almost 12K/yr we pay in school taxes will be flushed down the toilet...I'm not ready to do that..It's not even about the money...Its more the principle..

 

 

Never understood this line of thinking. I send my child to private school, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a good public school system in the country. And a good public school system needs funding through taxpayer money.

 

So even though I don't personally use it, I can't ever wrap my head around the idea that I'm flushing money down the toilet by paying taxes that go towards public services, including schools.

 

Anyway, it's not relevant to this thread, just caught my eye.

[thefooloftheyear]

Never understood this line of thinking. I send my child to private school, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a good public school system in the country. And a good public school system needs funding through taxpayer money.

 

So even though I don't personally use it, I can't ever wrap my head around the idea that I'm flushing money down the toilet by paying taxes that go towards public services, including schools.

 

Anyway, it's not relevant to this thread, just caught my eye.

 

 

Do you pay a grand a month in school taxes? My guess is probably not..

 

You pay taxes for the services..If I didn't have any kids, then Id have nothing to complain about..But to have to pay the public school taxes AND a private school as well..It would cost over 25K/yr....For a HS education..>

 

 

 

TFY

Edited October 9, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[thefooloftheyear]

Socialize? Sports? Other after school activities? Is she 'buds' (or BFFs) with any of her classmates?

 

 

Not really...

 

She's not that into the whole scene...She would do well in athletics, but she just doesn't really like it, and I wont push her into it anymore...Its a shame...She is pretty athletically inclined and has good coordination...

 

She does what a lot of her friends do...Stare at the little screen for hours on end..

 

TFY

[BaileyB]

She is in advanced classes and is an unbelievably gifted writer...Her work is already at college level....I hope she gravitates toward that avenue...The thoughts that come out of that kids head are really something to amaze...

 

In this case, I would tell her what my mother told my brother. A high school diploma is not optional. You do what you have to do to get through it. And after that, you are free to do whatever you want with your life...

 

He is now the president of a multimillion dollar company. He followed his passion and he has been more successful than my mother ever could have dreamed... But boy, I remember those arguments about how "dumb" school was and how he was getting nothing out of it...

[MuddyFootprints]

Do you pay a grand a month in school taxes? My guess is probably not..

 

You pay taxes for the services..If I didn't have any kids, then Id have nothing to complain about..But to have to pay the public school taxes AND a private school as well..It would cost over 25K/yr....For a HS education..>

 

 

 

TFY

 

H.O.L.Y. well, you know. I was going to call bs, but I went and did some general looking. Yep, 66% of your property taxes are going to public education. On a million dollar home, you are paying close to 12K a year just for school taxes.

 

Mind. Blown.

[Gaeta]

H.O.L.Y. well, you know. I was going to call bs, but I went and did some general looking. Yep, 66% of your property taxes are going to public education. On a million dollar home, you are paying close to 12K a year just for school taxes.

 

Mind. Blown.

 

 

At least it's for a good cause, public school is important, they shape the citizens of tomorrow and so much more, and this with under paid and overworked teachers. If there is somewhere I want my tax money to go it's in public schools.

[Gaeta]

Since I posted this things have gotten better. I hear less and less she hates school and I hear more and more about the courses she enjoys and the friends she's making. She also stopped having tummy aches. While she was in her old school, 30 days total, she went to bed with a hot pack every night complaining of pain. That's all gone.

 

 

 

Comments we make in front of kids are sometimes very damaging. Last night she had a French homework (her native language) and she said it's very hard for her. I said something like I am very good in French so we'll study it together. She said once a teacher told she she must be dyslexic cause she's so bad.....(Must be??) I asked if she had been diagnosed? Was she given a test? and the answer was no.

 

 

So here is a kid thinking she has dyslexia, cause in the past a teacher made a comment based on nothing, so her thinking is why put in an effort in her French writing she'll never get it right anyway! I reminded her that she is able to read (and write) long literature about drawing in French AND in English, and that's not indicative of someone dyslexic!

 

 

 

Now I have to undo that.....and have her tested for dyslexia.

 

 

 

All this makes me think back when I was a young mother. When my daughter was 10 and I was only 30. I wasn't aware of everything I am aware of now at 52. Did I really give my best to her studies, did I get involved enough, did I inspire her and encourage her enough. I can't stop comparing myself back then and now.

[noelle303]

Do you pay a grand a month in school taxes? My guess is probably not..

 

You pay taxes for the services..If I didn't have any kids, then Id have nothing to complain about..But to have to pay the public school taxes AND a private school as well..It would cost over 25K/yr....For a HS education..>

 

 

TFY

 

I actually live in a really expensive area and pay a lot of property taxes. And don't mind one bit that it goes towards public school funding.

 

I don't see it as some kind of money that pays for my daughter's attendance - it's money that funds our public school system. I pay my daughter's private school tuition because that was my choice and what was best for us. But I still believe in and support public schools and I'm happy to pay towards them.

[JuneL]

OP:

Sorry I had digressed in some of my previous posts.

But it sounds like you and your daughter are doing all the right things. As bad as the ordeal with her mother’s boyfriend was, at least your daughter’s sister gets to be under the guardian of you and your daughter because of this ordeal. Keep up the good work, both of you!

[Gaeta]

Yesterday we've noticed some contradiction in Claire's stories.

 

When she speaks to me about her day she says it was good, tells me stories of having fun in drama class with 3 team-mates, telsl me stories of kids coming up to her and making new contacts AND told me a few kids from school sent her a friend request.

 

My daughter came over for dinner last night and she told her a completely different story!! that no kids talk to her, everyone is boring, she doesn't have fun, they're all idiots, and she cannot find friends..................yet her phone is full of funny videos of her and these girls having fun.

 

We spent an hour discussing this and explaining to her she needs to approach people as well etc etc.

 

At some point I ask her how many kids from her school sent her a friend request so she gets on her FB and shows us the search result: 20 kids from school had send her a friend request !!!

 

From there we're puzzled!

 

Why would she paint a positive story to me and a negative one to my daughter?

 

 

 

 

.

[Haydn]

Yesterday we've noticed some contradiction in Claire's stories.

 

When she speaks to me about her day she says it was good, tells me stories of having fun in drama class with 3 team-mates, telsl me stories of kids coming up to her and making new contacts AND told me a few kids from school sent her a friend request.

 

My daughter came over for dinner last night and she told her a completely different story!! that no kids talk to her, everyone is boring, she doesn't have fun, they're all idiots, and she cannot find friends..................yet her phone is full of funny videos of her and these girls having fun.

 

We spent an hour discussing this and explaining to her she needs to approach people as well etc etc.

 

At some point I ask her how many kids from her school sent her a friend request so she gets on her FB and shows us the search result: 20 kids from school had send her a friend request !!!

 

From there we're puzzled!

 

Why would she paint a positive story to me and a negative one to my daughter?

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

Because she`s a child.

[noelle303]

Yesterday we've noticed some contradiction in Claire's stories.

 

When she speaks to me about her day she says it was good, tells me stories of having fun in drama class with 3 team-mates, telsl me stories of kids coming up to her and making new contacts AND told me a few kids from school sent her a friend request.

 

My daughter came over for dinner last night and she told her a completely different story!! that no kids talk to her, everyone is boring, she doesn't have fun, they're all idiots, and she cannot find friends..................yet her phone is full of funny videos of her and these girls having fun.

 

We spent an hour discussing this and explaining to her she needs to approach people as well etc etc.

 

At some point I ask her how many kids from her school sent her a friend request so she gets on her FB and shows us the search result: 20 kids from school had send her a friend request !!!

 

From there we're puzzled!

 

Why would she paint a positive story to me and a negative one to my daughter?

 

 

 

 

.

 

I don't think this is that strange. I mean - the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, she's clearly somewhat accepted among her peers, they clearly like her enough to send friend requests, goof around, film videos. But she probably hasn't gotten really close to anyone yet.

 

It's a confusing time really, that beginning period where she's still getting to know people and people are truly getting to know her. She probably doesn't know herself where she stands with them. She may have good days where she feels like everything's great and people are coming up to her and bad days where she feels like she's not fitting in.

 

I wouldn't stress too much about it, once she truly gets close to people, she'll find her place and things will stabilize.

[Gaeta]

I don't think this is that strange. I mean - the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, she's clearly somewhat accepted among her peers, they clearly like her enough to send friend requests, goof around, film videos. But she probably hasn't gotten really close to anyone yet.

 

It's a confusing time really, that beginning period where she's still getting to know people and people are truly getting to know her. She probably doesn't know herself where she stands with them. She may have good days where she feels like everything's great and people are coming up to her and bad days where she feels like she's not fitting in.

 

I wouldn't stress too much about it, once she truly gets close to people, she'll find her place and things will stabilize.

 

 

Thank you Noelle303 that was very encouraging.

[BaileyB]

Is it possible Gaeta, that she is trying to please you? Perhaps, the truth lies somewhere in the middle but she is trying to put a positive spin on things because she wants to please you?

 

And perhaps, some of her insecurities are coming out to your daughter because she feels more safe sharing some of her fears, worries, and insecurities?

 

I don't know... There is also the possibility that she is purposefully trying to split the two of you - giving two stories to manipulate you both in some way...

 

Has she had any counselling Gaeta? It may be a very good idea, given that her home situation was not the best and her life has had a significant upheaval this past month. It's a lot for anyone to deal with, never mind a child who is already trying to navigate the minefield that is adolescence and middle school...

[Gaeta]

Is it possible Gaeta, that she is trying to please you? Perhaps, the truth lies somewhere in the middle but she is trying to put a positive spin on things because she wants to please you?

 

And perhaps, some of her insecurities are coming out to your daughter because she feels more safe sharing some of her fears, worries, and insecurities?

 

I don't know... There is also the possibility that she is purposefully trying to split the two of you - giving two stories to manipulate you both in some way...

 

Has she had any counseling Gaeta? It may be a very good idea, given that her home situation was not the best and her life has had a significant upheaval this past month. It's a lot for anyone to deal with, never mind a child who is already trying to navigate the minefield that is adolescence and middle school...

 

It did cross my mind she was more comfortable expressing her fears to my daughter. She confines a lot in me though and I did not suspect any type of manipulation...so far.

 

Turns out she did listen to us and went toward a group of girls she wanted to befriend. It took a lot of guts and we were very proud of her. The girls were receptive and accepted her among their group. I think many kids wanted to be her friends but she had her heart set on that particular group of girls she felt were more her type.

 

I was thinking about reaching to a counseling yesterday. She does speak to her social worker but it's random.

 

She shared with me she is afraid of getting attached to new friends and next year she goes back to her mom and has to change school again. It's like her 7th school she wants stability. I explained by best some of the friends she will make here may turn to be friends for life so friendship is always worth a try. I told her next year she'll be 15 and if she really wants to stay in that school we can work out something with her mom that she stays here on weekdays for school and the rest of her time with her mom.

 

I had a lunch with a lawyer yesterday for other matters but we got talking on a personal level. He told me from 14 she can ask to be emancipated and remain with me. He said if next year Claire is set on staying with me and that school to contact him and he'll make it happen. I am keeping this to myself for now.

 

 

 

 

.

[BaileyB]

I had a lunch with a lawyer yesterday for other matters but we got talking on a personal level. He told me from 14 she can ask to be emancipated and remain with me. He said if next year Claire is set on staying with me and that school to contact him and he'll make it happen. I am keeping this to myself for now.

 

Good plan. Wait and see how it all plays out...

 

I'm glad that the girls were welcoming - sometimes girls are not always welcoming... It is entirely possible that she will make friends for life. It must be hard to see that when she has changed schools so many times in her young life... She has never stayed long enough to make lasting friends.

 

This child has been through a very traumatic experience. She has no doubt experienced trauma that you can not even imagine... I do think that it may be a good idea to ask if she would like to talk to someone... It would be very understandable if she did.

[larri]

Two months ago I was given the guardianship of a 14 year old. She is very smart and witty, she has a fun personality, teachers like her, kids like her, she makes friends, etc....but she hates school. She hates being in class, she says it's boring, she won't make an effort to study on her own, when she does her homework she takes no pride in it, her sheet is wrinkled, she won't erase a mistake she'll just scratch it or write over it, etc.

 

I understand kids don't like school when it's hard for them, when they're loners or shy it's hard to make friends but she has nothing of that going on.

 

I thought of starting a reward system that if she applies herself, take some pride in learning and pride into doing her work she would get rewards, my bf thinks it's a bad idea, his method is more about being on her back till she does it right.

 

She comes from a home her mom didn't finish high school so didn't understand her homework and let her do what she wanted with it.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Thank you

 

 

.

Refer to the psychologist.

[major_merrick]

Teen girls have incredible ups and downs with their friends and schoolmates. From her perspective, the girl could be telling the truth to both you and her daughter. It all runs on emotion, which is flexible. What I'd watch more closely is if she suddenly makes new, close friends that you don't know about and won't talk much about.

 

I raised my younger sister, and I had custody of her during her teenage years. It was tough. I had to home school her most of that time because she behaved badly enough that schools didn't want her around. She liked to fight, cause drama, and attempt to seduce older girls (including teachers.) The trouble really started when she began driving. I let her do it because she needed friendships and I got her involved in a couple of local groups that I thought were beneficial...but she quickly turned to dealing drugs to her peers. I kept her as long as I could, but at age 18 she found an older girlfriend and I had to let her go. It's been a mess ever since.

 

You've got a chance to have an influence and make a difference and I hope it goes well. But be prepared that sometimes people with traumatic backgrounds don't always make good choices. Sometimes that results in temporary phases, sometimes it results in a longer term mess.

[Gaeta]

Thank you for charing Major Merrick.

 

 

 

Tonight I finally got access to my online account at her school. There I discovered she had several undone homework. I asked why she had not done those homework and her reply was: they're boring, long, I didn't feel like it.

 

 

 

Of course that doesn't fly with me. I asked from now on she does all of her homework, no more laziness. Her only job in life is to be a student so I want to see some efforts. She asked me: You're not happy cause I didn't do my homework? I answered of course I'm not happy. She then said when school informed her mother she didn't do her homework she didn't care she told her Claire it's your life you do as you wish. I was shocked of that statement!

 

 

 

I regret what I said next, I said: what does your mom do for living? she said: nothing. And I said: I don't want to be offensive but maybe she should have done her homework and today she'd have a nice job. I said efforts bring a good education, a good job and a nice life. That laziness will bring minimum wage job and poverty for the rest of her life.

 

 

 

I had her do all the undone homework. She didn't understand why because it's too late to remit them and I said homework are necessary to her learning progress. She didn't rebel and did them then we said our good nights.

[BaileyB]

I asked from now on she does all of her homework, no more laziness. Her only job in life is to be a student so I want to see some efforts. She asked me: You're not happy cause I didn't do my homework? I answered of course I'm not happy. She then said when school informed her mother she didn't do her homework she didn't care she told her Claire it's your life you do as you wish. I was shocked of that statement!

 

Not sure why you would be shocked by that statement, given this is the mother who brought a convicted pedophile to live in her home and with no concern for her young daughter. This woman's parenting skills are, non-existent.

 

Gaeta, I think this mother has done a lot more damage than you can even begin to imagine. If you think about it - this child has lived her entire life of 14 years with her mother, she knows no other way of being. Who knows what kind of expectations or boundaries she has had in the past - if any. I'm sure that there are things she likes about living in your home, including the stability and support you are providing. But, I'm sure there are other things that she does not like about living in your home, perhaps a loss of freedom and the weight of expectations/boundaries she has never had before.

 

You have to expect that she will rebel - she is a teenager. It is what they do.

 

She has lived with her mother for 14 years. She has never known anything different. It is going to take time for her to adjust to her changed circumstances and accept what is now expected of her.... Be patient. Firm. But, kind.

I know you can do it.

[major_merrick]

Thank you for charing Major Merrick.

 

 

 

Tonight I finally got access to my online account at her school. There I discovered she had several undone homework. I asked why she had not done those homework and her reply was: they're boring, long, I didn't feel like it.

 

 

 

Of course that doesn't fly with me. I asked from now on she does all of her homework, no more laziness. Her only job in life is to be a student so I want to see some efforts. She asked me: You're not happy cause I didn't do my homework? I answered of course I'm not happy. She then said when school informed her mother she didn't do her homework she didn't care she told her Claire it's your life you do as you wish. I was shocked of that statement!

 

 

 

I regret what I said next, I said: what does your mom do for living? she said: nothing. And I said: I don't want to be offensive but maybe she should have done her homework and today she'd have a nice job. I said efforts bring a good education, a good job and a nice life. That laziness will bring minimum wage job and poverty for the rest of her life.

 

 

 

I had her do all the undone homework. She didn't understand why because it's too late to remit them and I said homework are necessary to her learning progress. She didn't rebel and did them then we said our good nights.

 

 

In fairness, school can be boring. I hated being in school. I take issue with how school is done these days - not everybody is cut out for book work. I was smart - I just hated to sit in a chair all day and put up with people I didn't like. In the end I modified school attendance records so I could stay home. Eventually my education helped me get to college and get a decent job, but I probably could have done without it.

 

 

 

I'd ask the girl this - if getting good grades is not a priority, then you don't plan on going to college? If you don't plan on going to college...what is your plan? I'd explore options with her, and then explore the things required to pursue two or three of those options. For me, I have to have a goal. Doing class work just because "I have to" is not a good reason. Doing work for a purpose or in something that interests me - I excel at that. The girl is 14 - time to start having some goals for the next 6 years or so.

[Gaeta]

She has lived with her mother for 14 years. She has never known anything different. It is going to take time for her to adjust to her changed circumstances and accept what is now expected of her.... Be patient. Firm. But, kind.

I know you can do it.

 

 

I tell myself she only had a 3-4 years of this treatment which is too much I know. When my ex was alive none of that neglect was going around. He would not have put up with homework undone and lies. He had spent 25 years in the military, had a good career, and was a hard working man. She was expose to that till 10 years old.