Any hope on this situation

[pepelillo]

Hi,

 

Let this post serve as a presentation. I am on my forties so not new to life and love bit this situation is completely different to all that I lived before.

 

Also, want to say sorry for my English, not my mother tongue.

 

I have posted on forums before due to my mental health issues with OCPD and obsessions. They were affecting my life and relationships.

 

Then 2 and a half years ago I was ready to start a new relationship and I liked someone. Nevertheless, it was not easy, my obsessions creeped in and I was constantly doubting and not enjoying the relationship. She knwe about it and still stayed there and in love with me.

 

Each 2-3 months we had a deal for his child education (too 'mother' for me) and my way of discussing was not good. Not abusive at all, but always feeling attacked (this has been all my life like this). I have always felt under attack when confronting other's comments and suggestions.

 

Time passes by and on one of those discussions she did not return to normal. I felt she distanced, did not say nice things, did not touch me... I spoke with her and told me that she could not be discussing all the time and so on. So I apologized and recognized my errors and the issues I have to improve on myself. So we continued but as time passed by I was pressing her because I did not get any response for her distant behaviour. One night I could not bear it any more and left her. She said she did not know what to do, if she wanted to stay or leave that SHE HAD NOT A RESPONSE. I insisted and tried to find responses with here but no way, she really did not know. Here friends also told me that she was like stuck and that it was strange in her as she had broken up relationships before and there was nothing like "pity" on her that prevents to confront a break up. The days passed and we got back togheter. I insisted that by no means I wanted to go back if she was not happe and desiring too... did not want any pity here.

 

Ok, things at the begining were strange but started to improve. Things improved a lot and three weeks ago she even said "I love you" without reason. She has also been affectionate, kinning and hugging me more and more. But a week ago, after a very small discussion, she brought the issue back to frontline. She said she saw me like everything was ok but thing were not on her side. She sais I had relaxed (for example home cleaning tasks) and I told her that I had had a very bad work days... I could not believe we could be having this conversation again and she told me that she did not know what to do, that was still the same. That there were times she was happy and in love but the feelings did not last enough for her to "be sure". I tried her to get clear and asked "what would you feel If you know I have slept with someone else?". "Nothing" was her response and I was totally destroyed. The fact is that she responded too fast so this is an scenario she has explored before on her own and this could have no meaning (I have been there and mind exploring is not the same as what happens with reality)

 

But she insisted that she does want me there, with her and not leaving because this not solved anything the other time. I made it so easy to her to leave in that moment that I am still confused why she did not. She says she is afraid of making and error by leaving me.

 

Cannot understand, this is not the persona I knew (becasus the things she did, say and the things friends told to me when everything was perfect). She is (and has always been) a very decided and secure person. No doubts on her side, when she loved, she did and when it was over, it was over, no pain and looking for the future.

 

We are still together and everything seems fine and loving, but I am a lot of times anxious (my very nature). Don't know if I should persist until she says something in one or other direction.

 

The fact that her ex made her suffer (problems with custody) could be playing a role here as my psycho says, but I also need some counseling on how to behave, how to try to improve the relationship and why not, a bit of hope (success stories where everything seemed lost due to 'lost feelings intensity'.

 

I have decided to stay and improve my problems that make it difficult to live with me (needy, feeling atacked, lack of communication, etc..) but I would love to hear support stories and (if possible) success ones because I cannot bring the issue with her to avoid pressing her. I can just support her and be my best version at this moment.

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Jose

[preraph]

Jose, maybe these are things you could both go to marriage counseling and work out. You might learn some coping techniques, and her too. It is something to consider.

[pepelillo]

Jose, maybe these are things you could both go to marriage counseling and work out. You might learn some coping techniques, and her too. It is something to consider.

 

She refused my suggestion to go. Sometimes she is loving some times she is not. Before we always joked about jealously (I said things like "eh, you like him!" and we had fun. Now she does not like it , she says I am always doing the same while I would say no more than then...

 

Things have changed but don't know it it deserves the fight. I suffer too much because of my anxious nature even when I love her the most. I need some hope that this can be reversed.