Shellysa Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Hi everyone, This is my first post here so any input on the subject will be greatly appreciated. Big picture: Husband and I have been together for a bit over 4 years, living together for 1.5 years and officially married for 4 months. Before anything I’m VERY far away from being the perfect wife and my communication skills really suck sometimes — because of a pattern learned from my dad and partially because of language barrier (I think I speak English well enough but when it comes to expressing my feelings it’s a bit harder for me to do so in another language). That said I have a tendency to give him the silent treatment very often and I’m aware that it can be extremely frustrating and that’s why I started therapy. Like any relationship we’ve had our ups and downs. Regardless anything I strongly believe that respect is the base of any relationship. My husband has a really short temper and has called me names twice in the last 2 months. Once at home and the last time on the street (after also telling me to go fuc* myself). I know if it was I hearing this from any other person or friend my first advice would be leave him now, but that’s easier said than done. I sought advice in other groups and people keep telling me it’s abusive and all that. I’ve read a lot about all types of abuse and I know that many of his attitudes could be considered as mostly emotial abuse. I’m not trying to make it seems what he’s done smaller than it’s but I’ve also read stuff that I’ve done and I know myself that I’m not an abuser and any other person would say that, including my own husband. Anyways I know a dealbreaker is relative and changes from person to person, so my question is: would I be dumb to give him another chance? Any other similar experiences where the other person actually changed and stopped the “abuse”? How long did it take? Thank you, S Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 I don’t know what exact names he’s called you, but I’m guessing the B and/or the C word? Or does he call you stupid, a moron, or an idiot? I would call that verbally abusive, and if not abusive, it’s definitely disrespectful, and I would have a problem with that. I don’t want to be called that, esp not in a relationship/marriage. Sure, I’ve called my bf a jerk or a weirdo once or twice, but more jokingly than anything. Never has he called me anything close to the B word, let alone worse things. You say respect, for you, is the foundation of a healthy R, but if he calls you hurtful names, he shows no respect. That’s the bottom line. I hate it when people excuse their bad behavior by saying “I have a short temper” or “I just want to be myself around my partner” or whatever. Self control, people! Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Hi everyone, This is my first post here so any input on the subject will be greatly appreciated. Big picture: Husband and I have been together for a bit over 4 years, living together for 1.5 years and officially married for 4 months. Before anything I’m VERY far away from being the perfect wife and my communication skills really suck sometimes — because of a pattern learned from my dad and partially because of language barrier (I think I speak English well enough but when it comes to expressing my feelings it’s a bit harder for me to do so in another language). That said I have a tendency to give him the silent treatment very often and I’m aware that it can be extremely frustrating and that’s why I started therapy. Like any relationship we’ve had our ups and downs. Regardless anything I strongly believe that respect is the base of any relationship. My husband has a really short temper and has called me names twice in the last 2 months. Once at home and the last time on the street (after also telling me to go fuc* myself). I know if it was I hearing this from any other person or friend my first advice would be leave him now, but that’s easier said than done. I sought advice in other groups and people keep telling me it’s abusive and all that. I’ve read a lot about all types of abuse and I know that many of his attitudes could be considered as mostly emotial abuse. I’m not trying to make it seems what he’s done smaller than it’s but I’ve also read stuff that I’ve done and I know myself that I’m not an abuser and any other person would say that, including my own husband. Anyways I know a dealbreaker is relative and changes from person to person, so my question is: would I be dumb to give him another chance? Any other similar experiences where the other person actually changed and stopped the “abuse”? How long did it take? Thank you, S Well, abusive behavior is considered a learnt behavior therefore in most cases it can be corrected. However, that certainly can't be done by a person "turning the switch". It is a process that should be done by a counselor trained in working with abusers. I personally think that, while it is always extremely disrespectful, it's not always abuse. It really depends on what was said, the context, the argument etc. Maybe you can share what exactly was said by him and what was his temperament like? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Welcome to LS... Is your husband willing to go to counseling? If you spend some time reading here on LoveShack, you'll find one person's definition of 'abuse' can be another's definition of 'truth' or 'tough love'. Decide for yourself where your boundaries are and then execute consequences. Your counselor can help with that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 My husband has a really short temper and has called me names twice in the last 2 months. Once at home and the last time on the street (after also telling me to go fuc* myself). Well, have to admit I've dropped a few f-bombs during arguments, but they've been adjectives ("that's so f'in wrong!" rather than verbs ("go f yourself"). My wife has done the same and in fact her language is often more colorful than mine. To me, that's a degree removed from name calling, where certain words have a fairly lasting meaning. As Carhill said, I guess it all depends on the normal context of your relationship. While I'm not sure it's abuse, I am sure it's not something that would work for me in a marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shellysa Posted October 4, 2018 Author Share Posted October 4, 2018 Thanks everyone for your input. Yes I agree it was extremely disrespectful and have convinced myself that it was the last time he will ever call me names, if there’s ever a next time it will be over. My therapist asked what I felt like doing when this happened and I said all I wanted to do was to leave (when things got worse he told me to leave the house — he’s the one who pays rent) but unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends here plus I’m waiting on my residency visa based on marriage. She said I should leave everything behind and don’t look back (I’ve been seeing her for about 2 months and never had any major problems with husband that I felt the need to tell her), but I still think it’s too early tonwalk away and not give him another chance even though it might be a big mistake. Anyways for those who asked: we were out all day running some errands and having a lunch and movies date. He’s a home buddy and apparently didn’t want to be out. That day in special he was complaining about every single thing every 30min. Until when I had enough of it and gave him the silent treatment. We went on with our business and after a while I decided to let it go and started talking to him again. He’d answer yes/no to every single question I asked . I then started talking about something else and he cut me saying “I don’t want to know about it” and I stopped. Right after he started asking me to tell him and I said I wasn’t in the mood anymore, that’s when he lost it and started telling me to go f myself and that I was a f**ing bit*h Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted October 4, 2018 Share Posted October 4, 2018 Several women I know have found the book "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft helpful in understanding their disrespectful/abusive spouses. It's geared towards hetero women with men but has the caveat that the dynamics of abuse carry similarly across genders. It's helped them figure out what kind of abuser they are with, whether there's a chance of reform, whether they should leave, and resources if they do choose to leave. IMO the why's don't matter, either they treat you right or they don't. Name calling isn't healthy expression. Wish you well figuring out your way forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 Until when I had enough of it and gave him the silent treatment. We went on with our business and after a while I decided to let it go and started talking to him again. He’d answer yes/no to every single question I asked . I then started talking about something else and he cut me saying “I don’t want to know about it” and I stopped. Right after he started asking me to tell him and I said I wasn’t in the mood anymore, that’s when he lost it and started telling me to go f myself and that I was a f**ing bit*h I certainly don't condone his actions, he's plainly out of line. But Shellysa, have to tell you, your conduct is my least favorite flavor when it comes to relationships. Life's too short for petty games and passive/aggressive behavior... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 That said I have a tendency to give him the silent treatment very often and I’m aware that it can be extremely frustrating and that’s why I started therapy. I’ve done and I know myself that I’m not an abuser and any other person would say that, including my own husband. Just wanted to point out that many would consider the silent treatment a form of abuse as well.. Just saying. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Your treatment of him is pretty abusive as well. The silent treatment is cruel. You and your IC are acting like you're just a victim here. You are not. I think you should see a marriage counselor together and work on your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted October 6, 2018 Share Posted October 6, 2018 Challenging to offer you sound advice without more details. Like, what did you say or do before he called you these names? Did he call you names before you married? People with short tempers often do not change. It is much too early for him to do this. preferably never! I hope it is just passing and does not continue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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