Complicated religion

[Desidee]

Hi i just want you guys to help me here with all your heart and soul. Maybe my thing is not a big deal but i cant help playing it again n again in my mind.

I am a Hindu girl madly in love with a christian boy since the last two years. He loves me too. We have never been religion bound kind of a thing and we are more modern and uber in our thoughts. His family have no problems with me whatsoever but my mother doesnÂ’t approve of him.

I am willing to go against my family to be with him coz i am head over heels in love with him. But it all started a few days ago when we were casually having a discussion about celebrating diwali. He told me outright not to impose any kind of religious obligations on him and i was taken aback coz initially when we were dating i used to tell him about celebrating various festivals n not just diwali or ganesh but also christmas which also happens to be my birthday btw and easter etc etc and he would be okay with that infact heÂ’s always answered in an affiramtive. i tried confronting him about it to obtain more clarity and he said dat he will never be a part of my festivals and that i shoul not force him and he is okay if i dont be a part of his festivals.

For me its the all about the feeling of celebrating festivals together as a family. The vibe, the essence is so magical and here my man is telling me not toimpose any religious obligations on him. I am NOT OKAY to convert but i so want to be a part of his festivals n similarly i want him to be a part of my festivals. How boring it would be to celebrate hindu festivals alone specially when i have chosen to marry this guy against my family!

My mAn believes ‘Love’ is our religion and lets not get ourselves involved in this worldly traditions and customs in the name of religion. He said to me “I aminto you and not your religion”. Honestly, i found this very cute. But i just couldNt be at peace post having a discussion with him.

We have also spoken about not converting our future children to christianity and to allow them to take a decision when they attain maturity. By doing this my man feels that he is sacrificing his traditions and cudtoms and by asking me not to convert he’s doing me a favour. I also told him that its not about me and him but ‘US’ and that i want to teach my children the best of both the worlds. I thougt it is better to clear this before marriage rather than arguing about it post marriage.

Do you guys think i am overthinking or is there truly a problem? How do i make him understand that its not my religion or his religion but our religion, our festivals? I want to give my children the best of both the worlds. I want to teach them about christianity as much as i want to teach them about hinduism. I want to teach them OUR FATHER as much as i want to teach them hindu devotional songs. I have been thinking about this since a couple of days now and i cant reach a conclusion. How do i make him understand my point? Plz help!

 

P.S. I am a hindu who has studied in a convent school and i respect the diverse religion of the world equally!

[Logo]

I get the impression that it went from your mother not approving to you two planning how to raise your children. So the debate or argument shifted and brought to the fore a new set of issues.

 

Why bring religion into the mix in the first place? Why not celebrate your cultures instead, without the religious aspects?

 

You said it yourself, that you two were not big on religion when you first started dating.

 

Your mother is not marrying him. You're marrying him. Have you tried telling your mother that she should be happy that you're happy? Maybe that will appeal to her on an emotional level?

 

You guys are hung up on religion now because it's become a matter of mutual respect. That's my feeling. That's why he's suddenly bringing up his religion; it's something that's not necessarily a strong part of his identity, but has become a matter of you respecting him or his background.

 

This whole, I'll convert, you'll convert.....It's just making things so complicated because you want to make everyone happy.

 

What do YOU want?

 

And can't you both raise your children to just enjoy the holidays as family get-togethers instead of explaining to them the religious significance and scriptures etc. behind each one?

 

You wrote: " We have never been religion bound kind of a thing and we are more modern and uber in our thoughts."

 

So who cares about Christianity and Hinduism? Teach your future children to be good human beings and be happy.

[alphamale]

things will change as you get older

[preraph]

Listen, that's a lot of "special occasions" and "holidays" between the Christian ones and yours. Guessing he's not all that keen on big family get-togethers anyway. Honestly don't know many people who are.

 

Talk further about it, and see if he's serious that he has no problem if you go do these things with his family alone. He doesn't need to be there. I mean, he should occasionally visit you with your family, maybe a couple or three times a year, but it doesn't have to be on the big festivals.

 

I wouldn't agree to even doing all American holidays with someone with family because I would rather spend those off days on my back in front of the tv snuggling my dogs.

[Shining One]

Hinduism is more "accepting" of other faiths and their practices for the most part. It is not considered sacrilegious for a Hindu to take part in the ceremonies of another faith. Certain denominations of Christianity consider it sacrilegious to take part in the ceremonies of another faith: "Thou shalt have no other gods before Me." Prayers to Lakshmi can be seen as a violation of that.

[Desidee]

Thank you so much! This has been one of the best advice i have received by far @logo

[Desidee]

@preraph, alphamale and shining one thank you for you valuable feedback.

[spiderowl]

I can understand him not wanting the religious meaning of festivals imposed on him. He is a Christian, brought up in that faith with its festivals, and wants to celebrate that which has been meaningful to him throughout his life. You are in the same situation and of course want family celebrations that you are used to too.

 

The question is whether he understands it as 'imposing' on him or you two sharing a family occasion (whoever's life it belongs to). I think you could discuss with him what it means to him. You obviously felt there was some abruptness in his comment to you or it would not have seemed so worrying.

 

I had to think how I would feel in a similar situation. As it happens, I was dating a lovely Indian guy. Things like Diwali meant nothing to me, but I could see it was important to him. We weren't living together so he celebrated it with his friends and child. He was kind enough to give me a gift at Christmas and I gave him one too. I think had it developed into more than dating, I wouldn't have minded joining in with festivals but I would have been concerned if he expected me to understand or feel the religious undertones. I could not have expected him to understand a Christian festival either.

 

I can understand you wanting to share these family occasions with him. If he is saying he will opt out of them and ignore them or is seeing this as a threat to his religion in some way, then that is of concern. If he is just saying you should not expect him to feel the festivals are as meaningful to him as they are to you, that is different.

 

Family traditions are important: they give us a sense of security and continuity and, yes, are a happy celebration. I think this is an issue any couple would face if they are of different faiths. I guess it is a matter of respecting each others' religion while also accepting the needs of a partner for family tradition and celebrations. If he cannot accept your needs, you might need to think twice about this relationship. I don't think you are asking too much.