I messed up big time

[whydontwe]

Sure, it makes sense. It's just not going to do anything to help if your intent is to save your marriage. Love is verb, not a nown.

 

But, considering that your two other posts this summer have been seeking dating advice - in one you mention that you have "just gotten out of a long relationship" and the other, you mention six different online dates... I don't see any evidence that you are actually serious about trying to save your marriage.

 

 

That was all before I confessed to my wife. Since then I have not dated. I showed her that I deleted all of those apps from my phone and gave her all of my passwords to close the accounts. I was not seeing someone for 17 years. It was mostly paying for services then most recently progressed to Tinder.

[BaileyB]

That was all before I confessed to my wife. Since then I have not dated. I showed her that I deleted all of those apps from my phone and gave her all of my passwords to close the accounts.

 

I was not seeing someone for 17 years. It was mostly paying for services then most recently progressed to Tinder.

 

First, those posts were made in August. Seventeen years you cheated on your wife, I presume with multiple women if you were paying for services. Two months, you have not cheated since you confessed. If I was your wife, two months would mean nothing.

 

As for paying for services and picking up women on Tinder - yuck! That's just all I can say... No kidding she wants an STD test. Your behavior has put her health at risk - and you did not tell her for seventeen years! Unexcusable.

 

I'm sorry, no disrespect intended... But, your wife would be a fool to stay.

[elaine567]

 

I'm sorry, no disrespect intended... But, your wife would be a fool to stay.

I could be wrong but I have a feeling this is one of these Christian marriages where his wife thinks divorce is accompanied by Hell and Damnation.

His wife was never going anywhere hence the audacity and frequency of the cheating.

He had nothing to lose.

[Orokotikki]

Having had some time to think about it, I think the most compelling thing you could do would be offer your wife a very favorable (for her) divorce and insist on it, making it clear you then would like to court her afterwards and (if she is willing) give her the real marriage and commitment she deserved from you.

[BaileyB]

Having had some time to think about it, I think the most compelling thing you could do would be offer your wife a very favorable (for her) divorce and insist on it, making it clear you then would like to court her afterwards and (if she is willing) give her the real marriage and commitment she deserved from you.

 

Just give her the divorce. After this experience, she may want to be single for a while...

 

But yes, she may believe that she will suffer the eternal fire of hells damnation if they divorce. It would be the only believable explanation of why she would chose to stay...

[whydontwe]

I could be wrong but I have a feeling this is one of these Christian marriages where his wife thinks divorce is accompanied by Hell and Damnation.

His wife was never going anywhere hence the audacity and frequency of the cheating.

He had nothing to lose.

 

The Christian belief is that there should be every attempt made to save the marriage, but then if adultery and/or abandonment occurs, that is a valid reason to divorce according to the Bible. I had something to lose, but then I was so selfish to see it.

[whydontwe]

Just give her the divorce. After this experience, she may want to be single for a while...

 

But yes, she may believe that she will suffer the eternal fire of hells damnation if they divorce. It would be the only believable explanation of why she would chose to stay...

 

She doesn't believe this nor does the church we attended. Our counselors also believe the same thing in that the injured spouse in the case of adultery and/or abandonment is okay to divorce and that it doesn't warrant hell damnation.

[whydontwe]

Having had some time to think about it, I think the most compelling thing you could do would be offer your wife a very favorable (for her) divorce and insist on it, making it clear you then would like to court her afterwards and (if she is willing) give her the real marriage and commitment she deserved from you.

 

Doesn't show that I am giving up and not willing to make it work while still married? I thought about this too, but then the kids and extended family problems become an issue?

[Mr. Lucky]

Doesn't show that I am giving up and not willing to make it work while still married?

 

With all due respect, what makes you think you can make a marriage work?

 

If the role of husband was a position you were applying for, what qualifications could you possibly present?

 

I think any claim you love your wife are going to fall on deaf ears here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Amethyst68]

You say you're remorseful, I don't think your anywhere near there there yet... regretful maybe but not remorseful. There are no feelings in your post, no disgust, fear, despair, definitely no sympathy or love for your wife.

 

I still think it's too early for MC, you need IC to figure out your 'whys'. Too many couple counselors go straight to blaming the BS for the 'lack' in the marriage.

[whydontwe]

You say you're remorseful, I don't think your anywhere near there there yet... regretful maybe but not remorseful. There are no feelings in your post, no disgust, fear, despair, definitely no sympathy or love for your wife.

 

I still think it's too early for MC, you need IC to figure out your 'whys'. Too many couple counselors go straight to blaming the BS for the 'lack' in the marriage.

 

I am remorseful. I do feel bad and I have apologized on multiple occasions. Whenever she begins to cry, I cry too. Whenever I think about our happy times together whether it was a certain vacation spot or when we first met, I get emotional. I wish I can reverse time and never did what I did. She is an amazing person with unlimited patience, care, and always willing to sacrifice for others. I've lost trust with someone like this, which is simply evil and selfish.

 

It will never be the same again, if we stay together. She will always question me and reflect back with only regrets. How can I do this to her?

 

I do need to figure out why I did what I did because for this marriage or for future relationships.

 

I'm sick.

[BaileyB]

I pulled it off by using a Google Voice number and concealing the apps on my phone using a secure folder. I also used a fake GPS app to conceal my location. I also got a credit card that my SO did not really know about. Whether she decides, I fully accept. Just to add more fuel to the fire, it first started with paying for "services" then progressed to online dating.

 

So there is “we had too much to drink one night and got carried away... I kissed the neighbour...”

 

And then there is “I have paid for sex with multiple women throughout the entire seventeen years of my marriage...”

 

It is the extreme nature of the betrayal that is difficult, if not impossible, to understand or I would imagine, forgive. And it is the outrageousness of your behavior that makes your “apology” seem disengenuous and totally inadequate.

[whydontwe]

Divorce your wife... she has no idea who she's been married to because you've been a liar the whole marriage.

 

She deserves someone who knows thoroughly how to keep the vowsthey take - that's not you.

 

Take full responsibility by telling your kids and family howyouve made an absolute farce out of your marriage/family unit.

 

 

Remorse is completely different than regret - doesn't seem like you're remorseful yet... maybe after consequences come around.

 

Does your wife work? Who earns more money?

 

How old are your kids?

 

I am the primary breadwinner but she works part-time for a family business that is 1.5 hours each way driving. She only goes in once a week. Our kids are 15 and 13. O

[Mr. Lucky]

I had this grand plan where I would tell her once the kids were grown adults and independent, and that we were too old to move on with other relationships. That she'll simply forgive me and life will move on. The guilt was too much, plus the amount of effort to conceal was becoming overwhelming.

 

Have you noticed that none of these "reasons" have anything to do with her?

 

Your guilt, your effort and your plan to rob her of alternatives.

 

The same focus that allows you to cheat in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Malin889]

I pulled it off by using a Google Voice number and concealing the apps on my phone using a secure folder. I also used a fake GPS app to conceal my location. I also got a credit card that my SO did not really know about. Whether she decides, I fully accept. Just to add more fuel to the fire, it first started with paying for "services" then progressed to online dating.

 

Wow, jeez, you went to a lot of trouble hiding yourself. Why not just come clean years ago??? Why bother going through SEVENTEEN years with your wife? Did you ever think of her for a second? She could have found a nice loyal man years ago if you let her go years ago without wasting years of her life. God.

[Malin889]

The Christian belief is that there should be every attempt made to save the marriage, but then if adultery and/or abandonment occurs, that is a valid reason to divorce according to the Bible. I had something to lose, but then I was so selfish to see it.

 

I hate when people do something bad, like adultery, but then quote the bible/act all religious. I don't think so. You made your bed, now go lie in it.

[Amethyst68]

^^^ THIS^^^

 

I agree, everything was so calculated, you even had a plan for confessing when you thought you're wife would be too old to take any action.

 

This is why I'm not really buying the guilt motive for your confession. I just don't sense it in any of your posts. Obviously I don't know you but I'm still suspicious that a) you were cheating and someone has threatened to tell your wife; b) the latest OW threatened to tell your wife or something worse like a pregnancy scare.

 

It makes me wonder if you confessed hoping she would go straight to divorce so you could say your weren't the one to take that step; but she didn't and note you're here, in limbo!

[whydontwe]

^^^ THIS^^^

 

I agree, everything was so calculated, you even had a plan for confessing when you thought you're wife would be too old to take any action.

 

This is why I'm not really buying the guilt motive for your confession. I just don't sense it in any of your posts. Obviously I don't know you but I'm still suspicious that a) you were cheating and someone has threatened to tell your wife; b) the latest OW threatened to tell your wife or something worse like a pregnancy scare.

 

It makes me wonder if you confessed hoping she would go straight to divorce so you could say your weren't the one to take that step; but she didn't and note you're here, in limbo!

 

Yes, the entire world thinks I am not sorry for what I've done, but I am. Nobody threatened me about telling my wife nor was there a pregnancy scare. Because online dating takes a lot of time and coordination, I sensed she knew something was up. Then, one night, around 2 am, she woke me up and said I'll give you one chance to tell me everything (without being specific). I told her everything without knowing what she was really expecting me to say.

 

Part of me feels relief from telling her. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my back. Since telling her, I have not paid for any services nor seen any other girls (e.g., dating). I come home everyday after work, eat dinner on my own, spend some time with the kids, and sleep on the floor. I do things now that I have not done before like fold my laundry, cook my own food, and fix things around the house. Why? Because I am home more now. Whether this will help or not, I don't know. But, I know it's the right thing to do in terms being present at the home. I can say all the "I am so sorry" all I want, but I am trying to demonstrate remorse through my actions.

 

Is this selfish again? I don't know. This is why I am on here. I need help.

[stillafool]

I'm confused as to why now do you want to stay married when you've cheated for the entire 17 years you've been with her. What changed overnight that makes you think you can stop and why now do you want to stop cheating when you can be free to have as many other women as you want? It seems with divorce you are finally getting the life you wanted.

[FMW]

I'm with stillafool - it's hard to understand why suddenly, after the entire 17 years of your marriage you have been regularly seeing other women, whether paid services or dating, you now think you're done with that and can be a faithful husband.

 

I'm not sure you really get that what you've done is really a major issue. It's not like you got bored or felt neglected after years and years of marriage and then had an affair. This is what you have done for the entire marriage. That's not normal - you need to understand why you would do such a thing before you can possibly think you'll change.

 

Why do you want to stay married? I'm sure you have some care for your wife after all this time together, although I have a hard time seeing it as love because of what you've done. So is it just for stability and security, for social acceptance?

 

I think you need to have some intensive counseling and answer those questions for yourself.

 

I can't even imagine what your wife is thinking, why she is still sharing a roof with you, so I don't have any advice about what to do with her other than being honest so she has all the information she needs to make her own decisions.

[Ronni_W]

This is why I am on here. I need help.

whydontwe,

 

I get that you are consulting with counselors, but I'd strongly encourage you to also use other resources.

Two terms to Google are: 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair' and 'Coping with infidelity - restoring the marital relationship'.

 

At very least, these should help you get a clearer picture of what you're dealing with as far as the potential to actually fix your marriage (and not just keep it going because your wife won't

or can't bring herself to leave).

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with some PP in that I don't think you realize the full implications of your actions of 17 years.

 

In those 17 years, you were not just cheating...you were robbing your wife of her reality. Every single day.

 

She made choices in her life, like having children with you, like working part-time, and much more, based on what she THOUGHT was her reality. Based on who she THOUGHT you were. But you took away her reality.

 

THIS is what she is dealing with now. The fact that everything she thought her life was, was not. You have robbed her of her truth, her trust in herself. Can you not see how devastating that is?

 

And you're just now like, I messed up. I want to be married to my wife now. Can you not understand how her whole foundation of life is now cracked due to YOUR actions? This is so much more than just being remorseful and asking for forgiveness.

 

One final thought, you did this so often and so long I'd imagine you are addicted to the chase. Now that you've had a d-day, are you now trying to chase your wife? Getting her back is just another chase to you? How will she, and you, know you won't just go back to the same behaviors? Just saying so will not cut it.

[pepperbird]

op,

until you figure out the whys of what made you cheat, you can't be trusted to not do it again.

 

 

Some view sex( cheating) as an addiction. In this sense, the closest comparison I could think of is someone being addicted to food. It's all around you. If someone who is morbidly obese wants to lose weight, they nee to figure out why they overeat and can't stop themselves. This takes a lot of work, introspection and self awareness.

 

 

Do you think that is where you are right now?

[pepperbird]

I agree with some PP in that I don't think you realize the full implications of your actions of 17 years.

 

In those 17 years, you were not just cheating...you were robbing your wife of her reality. Every single day.

 

She made choices in her life, like having children with you, like working part-time, and much more, based on what she THOUGHT was her reality. Based on who she THOUGHT you were. But you took away her reality.

 

THIS is what she is dealing with now. The fact that everything she thought her life was, was not. You have robbed her of her truth, her trust in herself. Can you not see how devastating that is?

 

And you're just now like, I messed up. I want to be married to my wife now. Can you not understand how her whole foundation of life is now cracked due to YOUR actions? This is so much more than just being remorseful and asking for forgiveness.

 

One final thought, you did this so often and so long I'd imagine you are addicted to the chase. Now that you've had a d-day, are you now trying to chase your wife? Getting her back is just another chase to you? How will she, and you, know you won't just go back to the same behaviors? Just saying so will not cut it.

 

 

op,

 

 

cheating for this length of time has robbed your wife of her reality. For the past 17 years, she thought she had a faithful spouse who loved her. She thought she had a man who would always have her back, who she could trust, someone who could grow old with.

In the space of the few minutes it took to give your confession, to took every last bit of that away.

 

 

 

She is going to have to construct her new reality, and a huge chunk of that will be that her souse has been seeing other women for the past 17 years. For almost two decades, you have lied to her face every day.

 

I have no idea how she can come back from that. If your roles were reversed, could you?

[whydontwe]

I'm confused as to why now do you want to stay married when you've cheated for the entire 17 years you've been with her. What changed overnight that makes you think you can stop and why now do you want to stop cheating when you can be free to have as many other women as you want? It seems with divorce you are finally getting the life you wanted.

 

Why now? The cheating was cyclical and there would periods of time where I stopped. I had the guilt back then and I tried to stop. Those down times, I truly enjoyed spending time with my wife and kids. When we would be on vacation, or going bike-riding, or trying a new restaurant. Just cuddling with her...tearing now.

 

Since it's out in the open, I want to try and reconcile.