Ex/FWB drifts and gets married

[guest569]

Anyone seen someone super poly, someone who sleeps around, someone not into relationships, someone won't commit to you... they then go off and get married? I need some perspectives and just need to talk.

 

 

I had a FWB / casual relationship a few years ago for about a year. The guy was sleeping around and not after a relationship at all, was all about poly and not being tied down to one person. Within the past 2 years or so, at some point, he has met someone and gone and got married.

 

I feel pretty sad and shocked and weird about it. I'm having all sorts of weird emotions in the background that I can't understand aside from PAIN.

 

 

Background:

 

He didn't want a relationship, and I did, but not with him. But he was super hot and was attracted to me too. First man I had a full on 'intercourse' with. It was, and always will be, special to me. First time is a very fond memory. He was a gentleman, we went out to an activity and had fun, he took me out to dinner etc, texted me the next day.

 

He kinda drifted away after a year and we still caught up occasionally but I last saw him 2 years ago. He eventually stopped responding to my messages. Honestly, I thought he has gone off and got married. Half jokingly. I was right. Sure, a lot can change in 2 years. Guess he has changed and wants different things to what he did when he was younger.

 

 

What is going on with me?:

 

Maybe our experience still means something to me. The experiences we had were special and I did miss him when he drifted away. I still miss him from time to time. I think I would be a bit of an a,hole if I didn't feel that way. Can't have first time sex with someone and not even think anything of it.

 

Did I have feelings for him? Well of course, I have strong emotions, I am very passionate. It's not like I madly love him or wished that he would have proposed to me. I'm not a robot, I felt something. He was super hot (seriously, the hottest guy I've ever met) and a gentleman, educated, fascinating.. I did like and respect him and look up to him. Our political opinions were fundamentally opposite in many respects and we just didn't seem compatible. But I felt an emotional connection for sure.

 

Maybe I am disappointed that he didn't want me, didn't want to commit to me. I tell myself I never wanted a relationship with him but maybe I did.

 

Maybe I just feel sad because this guy who was soooo not relationship material and had no desire to get wed... whoops he just found 'the one' and went and got wed. Meanwhile I have tried and tried and had a few unsuccessful relationships in this time with guys who I have fallen for. I've just had a breakup 5 months ago and a failed dating experience in the past week (calling it a day after a lousy 3rd date and no enthusiasm from him). My life is tough at the moment for several reasons. So maybe I kinda wanted this friend to come around and hug me and pound the hell out of me. Hearing he is married is not what I wanted to hear.

 

 

Smiley as ever.

[grays]

I’m sorry! I get it and I’m pretty sure I’d feel the same way in your shoes. I have at least a couple of fwb’s who I have very strong feelings for but I would not want a committed relationship with them. But still, why would they want someone more than me, ffs? Sounds funny, but I really would be feeling that and also like I’d lost part of my safety net. There are two in particular who I don’t see often but when I do, I am at my most comfortable/least lonely. They are true friends, but if they married or had a real girlfriend, there’s just no way we could hang.

[HumanMachine]

He simply found someone that he clicked with. As hard as it is please don’t take it personally, he just wasn’t the guy for you.

[guest569]

Thanks grays, i think you understand me completely. It's like, I feel so lonely and need that comfort and have had several breakups and failed dating experiences. I've had all this grief that I've tried to process but it stays with me forever.

 

H. M You are right it's not personal but still stings.

[ThreeRainbows]

You must be feeling so sad and frustrated right now... That is painful.

 

 

I can imagine that after all that time together, even if you started off as just FWBs, some feelings were bound to grow. Do you think you feel sad because you think another woman may have done something different than you, or that you weren't as good as her or something (not true, btw!)?

 

 

 

It's hard to know what to do in relationships. Yes, there are things you can do to improve your chances with any guy, but at the same time, I think there is always a plan for us. If you can view this as a learning experience, you will grow from it. You will be that much more ready for your future partner.

 

 

As an aside -

 

Have you read Matthew Hussey's book "Get the Guy"? It answers questions with situations just like this, and it sounds like it could help you a lot if you're having trouble with failed relationships. You can get it for free on Hoopla if you have a library card.

 

 

Good luck sweetheart.

Edited October 5, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[stillafool]

Yes I've known at least 3 guys, one my brother, who was a player and had FWBs but then met a girl and fell in love which led to marriage. It happens because even they aren't immune to love.

[guest569]

Aw, I had a dream about him, nothing in particular just us hanging out. Woke up feeling so sad.. Even after years it still has an effect and I guess the news of him being married has closed the chapter.

[central]

FWBs often move on. That's the nature of it, usually. Some have remained good friends after getting into a serious relationship, others have not, and some have returned - either as a FWB or just as a friend - after a relationship they were in ended. Some I've greatly missed if contact was ended - often, a new serious relationship doesn't want an ex-lover in the picture. The best way to handle someone you miss is to meet someone new, so you can move on too.

[elaine567]

I guess he was kind of an ever present presence in your life, the back up guy, the guy who if ever you ended up alone would always be there.

The guy if he settled down a bit you would be happy to be with. the perfect guy if only he wasn't poly.

Only he did settle down to monogamy, but not with you.

Whilst you were being unsuccessful dating "losers", he was busy getting himself hitched.

He is now off the market and you feel you missed the trick.

Now there is no back up plan just a big hole.

I could be wrong...

[guest569]

Do you think you feel sad because you think another woman may have done something different than you, or that you weren't as good as her or something (not true, btw!)?

 

I'm not sure. There is probably a bit of 'if only things had worked out'. I guess with any ex marrying someone else you might wonder 'what if?', 'if only..' or 'phew, I dodged that bullet!'. I am who I am, and obviously wasn't his cup of tea. So there isn't much more to do about that. When we met, I was very inexperienced and shy and we had opposite political views. I haven't given much thought to who she is and what did she have that I didn't etc. It's more about him and losing what we had, closing that chapter, even though it already closed years ago.

[guest569]

I guess he was kind of an ever present presence in your life, the back up guy, the guy who if ever you ended up alone would always be there.

 

Not at all, none of this. He was not ever present at all. We had some casual, irregular, fun dates across the space of a year. He wasn't some reliable backup guy to lean on. He drifted and was busy dating countless women, and I needed more from a partner. So I started dating (you labeling the guys "losers" is unfair, they weren't losers, it just didn't work for various reasons).

 

 

Now there is no back up plan just a big hole.

I could be wrong...

 

He left a couple of years ago and was never a backup plan. I missed him specifically. I missed the times we shared and I felt sad that he ditched me. I've never really had a back up plan, so I only know of a big gaping hole after breakups.

 

But I guess in a way, that chapter is closed forever now which leaves a big hole (even though we weren't in touch). He is married so I aint talking to him again. That is sad.. so it feels final. Maybe I thought he was still out there and maybe we would hang out again I don't know. He's a totally new man who is unfamiliar and out of bounds.

 

 

The guy if he settled down a bit you would be happy to be with. the perfect guy if only he wasn't poly.

 

If we pursued a monogamous relationship who knows. Although fairly casual, we did have proper romantic dates and proper amazing sex. We were super awkward initially but over time it was easier. He was a smart, deep thinker. Proficient in my fave musical instrument. He inspired me to get my degree. He changed my thinking and helped me grow in many ways.

 

I mean, I don't even know enough to say if we would have been good together. It's so long ago now and we have both changed a lot it seems. I still feel somewhat heart broken.

Edited October 5, 2018 by smiley1

[guest569]

I dreamed about him again last night.. aww. So sad.

 

WTH

 

I have had 2 relationships since this guy drifted out of my life. But still have a place for him in my heart. And my first bf from before him too. Is it true that I just never really let go and never stop loving?

[guest569]

He meant a lot more to me than I ever admitted.

 

I feel so sad..

[AT15]

My fwb, freaked out when I got married. He threatened to show up at the wedding ?.

 

I think he was just shocked that I chose someone else.

[Zapbasket]

Especially people like you, who by your own accounting swims on the deeper end of the emotional spectrum, tend to expect that when anyone experiences a major life milestone--buying a house, getting married, having a child, etc.--it's accompanied by some kind of emotional or spiritual growth/deepening. Because for people like you, everything in life rouses that effort to understand better, go deeper, grow, become a better version of yourself.

 

So it doesn't occur to people like you that some people just do what's easiest and most comfortable. They can get married without having deep love for the person; it's just that the person makes their existence easier, wants to marry them, and offers a lot of love without asking for anything in return. And so the person gets to thinking that they're not getting any younger, do they really want to go sleeping around when they're sixty and the women they want might not want them, and here's some woman who doesn't challenge him in any way, and he thinks, "Why not? I'll just get married."

 

And that's about it. There's no "epiphany" involved. Nothing about them really has changed, and they've found a partner who is fine, at least for the time being, with doing most of the relational legwork. Maybe this is someone who herself is commitment-avoidant, and who also pairs up in this marriage because it's easy and convenient.

 

I know. It's incomprehensible; this kind of thing makes me want to pull my hair out. But some people's waters just don't run that deep, and if things fall into their lap and don't require anything of them, they'll take it, and from the outside it can look maddeningly like they've built quite a good life for themselves. They have all the things you want and here you are working so hard!, you think. But you know that saying, "The unexamined life..." yadda yadda? It's oft-quoted for a reason.

 

(At least, I hope so )

[guest569]

I think it's the time frame that has shocked me most. I don't doubt that he has found a deep connection and is madly in love. He was a deep, intelligent and emotional type although clearly was able to sleep around without getting too attached. For me, I got attached but not because we had sex. Although that is special. I adore and admire the hell out of him and think he is amazing. I loved being in his presence. This whole thing has thrown me deeper into a depression when I should be happy for him. Instead in just shocked and hurt, delayed hurt.

[ThreeRainbows]

Especially people like you, who by your own accounting swims on the deeper end of the emotional spectrum, tend to expect that when anyone experiences a major life milestone--buying a house, getting married, having a child, etc.--it's accompanied by some kind of emotional or spiritual growth/deepening. Because for people like you, everything in life rouses that effort to understand better, go deeper, grow, become a better version of yourself.

 

So it doesn't occur to people like you that some people just do what's easiest and most comfortable. They can get married without having deep love for the person; it's just that the person makes their existence easier, wants to marry them, and offers a lot of love without asking for anything in return. And so the person gets to thinking that they're not getting any younger, do they really want to go sleeping around when they're sixty and the women they want might not want them, and here's some woman who doesn't challenge him in any way, and he thinks, "Why not? I'll just get married."

 

And that's about it. There's no "epiphany" involved. Nothing about them really has changed, and they've found a partner who is fine, at least for the time being, with doing most of the relational legwork. Maybe this is someone who herself is commitment-avoidant, and who also pairs up in this marriage because it's easy and convenient.

 

I know. It's incomprehensible; this kind of thing makes me want to pull my hair out. But some people's waters just don't run that deep, and if things fall into their lap and don't require anything of them, they'll take it, and from the outside it can look maddeningly like they've built quite a good life for themselves. They have all the things you want and here you are working so hard!, you think. But you know that saying, "The unexamined life..." yadda yadda? It's oft-quoted for a reason.

 

(At least, I hope so )

 

 

 

 

I used to be like this. And then I decided to not take life so seriously. Best decision I ever made.

[guest569]

I used to be like this. And then I decided to not take life so seriously. Best decision I ever made.

 

Well, I don't quite understand what you're saying.

 

This guy wasn't shallow he had a lot of depth and would not marry someone out of convenience. Who the hell does that. Nope, he had a lot of depth and wisdom which is why I was so drawn to him. He's philosophical and musical artistic type. He ain't a logic type.

 

As for taking life seriously, why not. I like who I am. I wouldn't trade being an oversensitive weirdo for anything. It hurts but it is who I am and always have been.

[Zapbasket]

This guy wasn't shallow he had a lot of depth and would not marry someone out of convenience. Who the hell does that.

 

You'd be surprised . Closely observe people's lives and you'll find that every decision for a lot of people has just been whatever was easiest, whatever would require the least of them. Often, people don't even make decisions, they just roll with whatever, because they don't want to risk wanting something, working for something, and it not panning out.

 

Nope, he had a lot of depth and wisdom which is why I was so drawn to him. He's philosophical and musical artistic type. He ain't a logic type.

 

Okay...is it at all possible you might be putting him on a pedestal a teeny bit? There are a lot of tortured soul / artist types who talk a good talk in the "depth and soul" department but who are shockingly shallow in what they offer and settle for in relationships.

 

If you're SURE he really is a deep soul, fully emotionally developed enough for a long-lasting, consistent, long-term, loving and genuinely intimate relationship with another human being, then you have to accept that he just didn't feel it for you. And if that's so, remember it's not your fault--there IS someone out there who WILL feel that spark with you. It does suck to not be someone's first pick, but you just have to remind yourself that that means they're not the right person for YOU.

 

As for taking life seriously, why not. I like who I am. I wouldn't trade being an oversensitive weirdo for anything. It hurts but it is who I am and always have been.

 

That's the spirit! I never believe the folks, anyway, who claim they've given up trying to find meaning in things and are genuinely happy with their lot. Sure, there's a point where soul- and meaning-searching can tilt over into unhealthy, paralyzing rumination (I know; I've been there), but being true to your depth and curiosity about the meaning of life and the world and relationships is a wonderful way to live, even if it does cause heartache sometimes. You can't appreciate the light, unless you know how to navigate in the dark.