He went back to his wife

[What_Did_I_Do]

Please no reprimands. Can't eat or sleep. Numb with pain.

 

Six months ago he left his W. I didn't ask him to, no pressure or threats. I had my own X date in mind and if he didn't separate by then, I was walking away. By some strange coincidence, he left on that same day.

 

Then I gave him space to adjust to this new life. Sort himself out. But he didn't want to be alone. Wanted me at his side. So I cautiously agreed. Read hundreds of threads here on LS, too many of the WS's went back. I thought mine wouldn't. After all we went through. No way. I was dead wrong. I trusted him. And everything he said. He sucked me in. Sucked me in good.

 

Several months after he left, he suggested we go house shopping. Ok I said. So we found a place that we both loved. The mortgage was approved. Then he started back pedalling; the house was too expensive, too much upheaval, the list goes on. No more house discussions. Spring we'll revisit that he said, after his house sold.

 

All through this time I asked him; are you going back to W. No way he said. I'm done with the M. W doesn't even check on me, the (adult) kids rarely get in touch with me. You make me the happiest I've ever been so this is the right track. I will never go back.

 

Then we pick out a dog. Breed, colour, everything. But I'm sensing he's retreating a bit. Can't put a finger on it but it was a gut feeling. Then he kicks it up a notch and starts talking about buying me a ring and what kind of wedding we'll have. Ok. I get the see-saw emotions that accompany a separation. But then he became cold and distant. He met with his W and she wanted him to move back to the house so they can pay down some debt before they sell the house. I offered for him to stay at my place rent free for now. Just help with chores and groceries. Sounds good he said. Then he wanted to get in good with my kids. Form a bond. I let him. After all, he and I were going to be together.

 

They met again, this time to discuss who gets what from the house when it sells. Now I'm not believing this story. Too business like.

 

This week his affections were in overdrive. Now I am certain something is going on. I ask again if he is going back. I haven't decided yet he tells me. But he did decide. Yesterday he comes over telling me he wants to be with me, and we will be together, but he's moving home "into the basement" to save money. Please wait for me for 5 months he said. Please. The house will be sold in the spring. Kick in the gut. I choke out some kind of response saying it won't sell in the spring for some reason, not the right time, kids are upset (one doesn't even live at home), anything that will further push this back. No he assures me, the house will be sold. I asked him to leave my house. It's over.

 

Why. Why would he go to those lengths with or for me. What kind of ******* does that? I can't breathe. 8.5 years of this h*ll that I allowed. Is this "basement" reason legitimate. Can't think straight. He hurt me to my inner core.

Edited October 5, 2018 by What_Did_I_Do

[Starswillshine]

How long were they married? Does his wife know about you?

 

Affairs are the escape from the boring marriage life. When an affair goes to a regular relationship, it loses that excitement. You see it time and time again. He had a life and children with his wife. They built things together. It is really hard to walk away from that.

 

I am really sorry you are hurting. Please do not allow him to use you still. Likely he wants back with his wife and will keep you strung along. They dont want to give up both. Hugs.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Thank you for your kind words Stars. I can't believe I was duped this badly. It hasn't fully hit me yet but it will.

 

The have been married almost 3 decades. She did not know about me. The kids are adults but he casually mentioned earlier this week that they were so distraught he left (but in previous conversations they were ambivalent about his leaving). But now he needs to be there to comfort them he said. Put them first. They are in their 20's.

 

Yes, he wanted the familiarity of home and the fun with me on the side. I have nothing left to give him. He shattered my heart in a million pieces and not even a whisper of I'm sorry. Nothing.

[stillafool]

That's okay I've seen men married only 10 months, cheat, leave and go back. If you get involved again demand divorce papers.

[Mardelis]

If you get involved again demand divorce papers.

 

 

If you get involved again see a therapist.

 

 

A GOOD one.

[BaileyB]

8.5 years of this h*ll that I allowed.

 

I’m sorry that you are hurting.

 

That’s a lot of time to spend, waiting for someone to commit to you. But, what you said is so true - he did it because you allowed it.

 

He has now made his choice, again. And sadly, it’s not you. Again.

 

Don’t waste any more time with this man. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It’s time to move on with your life.

 

Hugs.

[pepperbird]

OP,

If you want to understand this man, look at how he treats his wife.

 

 

 

For get about all the excuses you've built up in his mind for why he treats her the way he does. Pretend she is your good friend. How would you feel about his actions towards her?

 

 

I'm saying this because the way he treats her is a sneak peek into what he is really like. Strip away all the warm fuzzies you have for him, and what do you have?

 

 

To put it another way...

There is a school of thought that cheating is a form of abuse. For the sake o argument, let's say that it is. With that in mind if you saw a man physically abusing his wife, would you feel he will be different with you? Doe she cause the abuse or does it come from somewhere inside him?

 

It comes from him, and cheating is no different.

Edited October 5, 2018 by pepperbird

[elaine567]

22nd June 2017, 4:19 PM

History repeating...

 

 

I’m sorry that you are hurting.

He has now made his choice, again. And sadly, it’s not you. Again.

[BaileyB]

22nd June 2017, 4:19 PM

History repeating...

 

That’s really sad.

 

Loved your comment pepperbird. It always kind of amazes me that women can watch a man treat his wife so badly, and yet somehow have faith that they will be different. Like, somehow he’s going to have an epiphany and change this pattern of behavior when they start a new life together...

 

It would seem, this is not true in this case. That’s sad, but not surprising.

[Artdeco]

Sorry he did this. I thought you were broken up actually.

What do you think happened? I don’t understand the moving into the basement thing in order to save money/pay back debt. Why the excuse? He either wants to recommit to his M, or not. Are they divorced yet, or is it still pending? Or has nothing been filed? I have a hard time wrapping my head around this.

[imsosad]

You must be going through hell.

I don't think he duped you deliberately. It seems to me that he was terribly selfish all around.

He has no regard for either you or his wife, and he just does exactly what pleases him at any given time.

How come his wife doesn't know about you?

My guess is, he told you that he didn't tell her because he doesn't want to hurt her, when in fact, he didn't tell her because he wanted to leave that door open.

Just another variation on cake eating.

I'm really sorry for your pain.

I hope you go NC and begin your recovery process.

Don't let him back in, the basement excuse is total BS.

[Artdeco]

Do you think he’s trying to appease his W?

Sounds like he’s acting like he’s trying with her, but doesn’t really want to. Many long term husbands are like this. Conflicted to no end. Not wanting to rock either boat. Not sure though. Either way - ****ty move. Screams no backbone.

[BluEyeL]

8.5 years of this h*ll that I allowed. .

8.5 years?????? I hope you don't find him excuses and don't allow him to string you along for another 8.5!!

[Ruby Slippers]

Over the past year I communicated online with a married man, then another one briefly. I considered getting involved, but decided against it, thank God.

 

I learned that these men, though both were highly intelligent and focused in their careers, were clueless in the emotional domain. I think they both really just wanted a spontaneous sexual encounter or a few that they could excuse as a rash act. They didn't really want any of the emotional side, only played along with it to get what they wanted.

 

It wasn't all about sex. They also wanted the ego boost of a single woman wanting them, trying to entice them away.

 

You're just a player in his ego exercise. You could be any woman who's willing to settle for the sorry excuse for a relationship he's offering. If he really cared about you, he'd never put you in this kind of position.

 

When things go south, as you've seen, you're nothing to him.

 

The only reason women go for this is they think they can't do any better. For myself, I figured out it's better to remain single than get involved with a poor excuse for a man like this.

[overtherainbow1]

What kind of ******* does that? I can't breathe. 8.5 years of this h*ll that I allowed. Is this "basement" reason legitimate. Can't think straight. He hurt me to my inner core.

The kind that you were involved with, a lying cheater. You enabled his lies and cheating, and then he lied to you. You should not have been surprised. I'm sorry for your pain, but emotions can blind us. You may realize this, but this is why getting involved with a married person is a bad idea.

 

If he could treat his wife, the mother of his children and life partner, this way, why couldn't he do it to you? Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. This doesn't mean that people can't and don't change, but it takes a motivated person to do so.

 

He was "playing house" with you, looking at dogs and houses, and he was doing to manipulate you into a position that worked best for him. He may not consciously realize this either. But either way, the story is often the same with WS's.

 

There's an old saying "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you." Now you know.

Edited October 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

22nd June 2017, 4:19 PM

History repeating...

 

This is indeed sad OP. When are you going to take action regarding your life? If you don't you may be posting this same thread again in 5 years.

[brigit87]

 

Yesterday he comes over telling me he wants to be with me, and we will be together, but he's moving home "into the basement" to save money. Please wait for me for 5 months he said.

 

...he's totally lying.

 

He's probably going back to his wife or maybe he's not really going back but telling her he is.

 

IDK. You already wasted eight years of your life. You won't get those back.

 

It's time to call it. This relationship sucks. And, I guarantee you even if he did divorce his wife he won't want you. He's already had you for eight years. If he gets a divorce he'll be able to date all new girls.

[ladydesigner]

If you want to understand this man, look at how he treats his wife.

 

This is so spot on from Pepperbird. It bears repeating and every OW here should really consider examining this.

 

When they show you who they are believe them. They do this from go.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is so spot on from Pepperbird. It bears repeating and every OW here should really consider examining this.

 

When they show you who they are believe them. They do this from go.

Truth. A real man would focus his attention on solving the problems at home, renegotiate an open relationship where all parties are aware and agree, or get the F out of the relationship. PERIOD.

[misspalmy]

im sorry xx

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Affairs are the escape from the boring married life. When an affair goes to a regular relationship, it loses that excitement.

If more people realized and believed this, maybe fewer people would get caught up in affairs. Affairs are not about true love. They are about an escape, the excitement, the unknown, the lack of all the mundane and boring stuff that is a part of real life.

[Vivir]

Hugs to you WDID. I, too, am sorry that you're in this pain again - and so soon after last time... xx

 

Eight years is a long time, and I know it is easy to get caught up in the thinking of "waste" and "stupidity"... but someone in this thread has already said something to the effect of "with each new waking day brings one more chance."

 

If anyone deserves a chance from you now... that person is YOU.

[minimariah2]

i'm really sorry.

 

i know how much it hurts to be given hope, only for it to be taken away from you. i suggest complete NC, block him on everything you possibly can - then focus on healing and bettering other relationships in your life.

[Vivir]

WDID, if you can, why don't you get out of your environment for a few days to a week? - take an impromptu trip to somewhere you've wanted to go. Just to get away for a bit and disconnect.

 

If you're serious about it being over this time - completely over - you might need a bonfire or something else major AND symbolic as a show of transition, something making the statement this marks a new beginning from that.

 

What do you think?

[What_Did_I_Do]

WDID, if you can, why don't you get out of your environment for a few days to a week? - take an impromptu trip to somewhere you've wanted to go. Just to get away for a bit and disconnect.

 

If you're serious about it being over this time - completely over - you might need a bonfire or something else major AND symbolic as a show of transition, something making the statement this marks a new beginning from that.

 

What do you think?

 

Funny you should mention that. I did book a long vacation overseas, starting next week but there are a lot of minutes and hours between now and my departure. I cannot fail at NC. Not again. I know history repeated itself but this time it was me that walked away.

 

Today, day 2 of NC, hurts worse than yesterday. I miss him. His voice, his smell and touch.

 

I'm starting to bargain now. What if he is telling the truth and in all efforts to save money (not paying rent and other costs of living separately) by moving in the basement for 5 months. What if that's true? I have always, uncannily, been able to pick out the bad seeds, jerks and liars from those that are good souls. He always followed through on everything he said he would do. Though I most certainly didn't always agree with his timing. There is no excuse great enough for 8 years.