He went back to his wife

[BaileyB]

He always followed through on everything he said he would do. Though I most certainly didn't always agree with his timing.

 

There is no excuse great enough for 8 years.

 

But, he hasn't followed through. He left his wife, was preparing to buy a house and get a dog with you. And now, he is back with his wife. There was no follow through...

 

How could you ever trust another word this man says?

 

To quote the great Dr. Phil , the only thing worse than wasting eight years of your life is wasting eight years and one day.

 

It's a good plan, to get away. I hope that you have a good holiday.

[Ruby Slippers]

If more people realized and believed this, maybe fewer people would get caught up in affairs. Affairs are not about true love. They are about an escape, the excitement, the unknown, the lack of all the mundane and boring stuff that is a part of real life.

As a single woman who was recently tempted by a married man to have an affair - and resisted - I can say that I knew this. In fact, the reason I was attracted to him at all is that I was on the exact same wavelength. Stagnant in life, seeking an escape, excitement, the unknown, a distraction from humdrum everyday life.

 

I think one of the biggest problems in society right now is that there are a whole lot of lonely people living alone with no real support system. There are more people living alone in the U.S. than anywhere on earth, and while it has it perks, overall we're not meant to live such an isolated existence. We've almost totally lost any real sense of community, which is critical for basic human well-being. Recent studies have shown that loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking or obesity. One of the most vulnerable subsets are single middle-aged women. I'm pretty sure there are more middle-aged women living alone today than at any time in history.

 

Though a lot of wives have the "who cares, my life is set" attitude toward their community, they'd be wise to realise that all those single, lonely women out there are potentially threats to their relationship when their husband gets bored.

 

A few months back, I moved into a cute house in a suburban neighborhood, surrounded by two couples. At first, I felt the wives were looking at me with daggers as I worked on my garden in the front. But once I met them and they found out I'm a nice person with no designs on their husbands, they warmed up. Now, one of the husbands edges my yard, and they recently removed a big fallen branch from my front yard. I gave them a thank you card and a restaurant gift card, and they gave me a thank you card back. We mutually affirmed that we're always here for each other as good neighbors. How nice!

 

They're good neighbors who've established some kind of connection with the single lady next door. I'd never dream of getting involved with a neighbor period, but them being nice to me has only cemented that 100-fold.

 

My point is that all these lonely people out there are a drag on the health of society. And while our individualistic society would say that it's each individual's responsibility to find their own happiness, I think it takes a little more than that. It takes giving a damn about your fellow human beings so we can all do well and thrive. You don't have to - but if you don't, you may end up paying a price for it.

 

By the way, I'm trying to do my part. I'm an excellent counselor, and I'm currently looking into volunteer opportunities where I can provide free counseling to the downtrodden of the world - kids, adults, old people, men, women, anybody who needs it.

 

Last week I chatted for an hour with a man who had just lost his young daughter. He didn't feel he had anyone in his life he could really talk to, and he was so grateful. I feel good about that.

Edited October 6, 2018 by Ruby Slippers

[What_Did_I_Do]

My heart is broken. It physically hurts.

 

He did all the planning for our future. 100% of it. Every single day he planned and talked and seemed so excited about it. Right up to and including Thursday. Cooking for my kids. Renovations to my house when he moves in. Everything. I listened and believed him. Do people future fake to that depth?

 

Maybe part of all that future talk was to manipulate me into a 'safe' zone so I don't tell his W of our 8+ year affair. He's worried about that, no doubt. Even if she found out from me or another source, she would not kick him out so I won't be getting him by default.

 

I'm sorry for rambling. I'm still in disbelief. For years he told me when he moves out, he's out for good. No going back. But he went back. And I was asked to wait again, while he went back to being a husband.

[FMW]

Sometimes they may actually mean the future talk, but only for that moment and in that moment. It's all part of the escape.

 

You're going to stay buried in this misery as long as you see yourself as a victim. Yes, he's an A%%, but you've allowed him to continue being one for 8 years. He's clearly going to continue to be an A%%, but you don't have to continue letting him have any sway over your life.

 

You are in control of your own life, he'll only continue stringing you along and hurting you as long as you allow it.

 

If you can't do it for yourself right now, do it for your kids. They don't need to be around someone like him and they don't need to have a mother who is distracted with pain and mourning over someone who is doing what he is doing.

 

Stop focusing on all the dreams he sold you for the future. Take a cold hard look at the reality of what he's done.

[imsosad]

So sorry you're hurting so much.

I'm not sure any of this was planned or crafted to manipulate you. He just does whatever he thinks is best for him. Sometimes his wife gets hurt, sometimes you do. He never does.

He swings between the two of you, to maximize his needs being met.

You have given him enough of your time. enough of your energy. Enough of your love.

Just like he kept his wife in the dark about you when he left her, so that he could go back if he wants, he is now keeping you in the dark about the real arrangement at home, to leave your door open as well.

He likes to have both options open to him.

Stop it on your end. No more. He can NOT do this to you any longer.

Also, tell his wife. Do it as closure for yourself and as a courtesy to a woman who is hurting just as much as you are, but knows much less about the situation she's in.

Tell her to make sure you never go back to him.

It's time to stop his cake eating, he is using and inflicting pain on both of you, you have no reason to guard his secret.

[elaine567]

He likes to have both options open to him.

That I guess is the issue.

His wife will never agree to sharing him, but you will.

[pepperbird]

Do you think he’s trying to appease his W?

Sounds like he’s acting like he’s trying with her, but doesn’t really want to. Many long term husbands are like this. Conflicted to no end. Not wanting to rock either boat. Not sure though. Either way - ****ty move. Screams no backbone.

 

 

it's a crappy move, but the reality is that all of this is happening to the OP because she allows it.

So long as she sees herself as a victim of his actions, he will continue to be able to hurt her. Until she sees that she is choosing this relationship and she is choosing to allow him to hurt her, he will walk all over her again, and again, and again and again ad nauseum.

[BaileyB]

His wife will never agree to sharing him, but you will.

 

But, his wife keeps taking him back. Why she does that, I can not even begin to comprehend.

[elaine567]

But, his wife keeps taking him back. Why she does that, I can not even begin to comprehend.

30+ years married is a very long time. He is also pretty good at fooling the OP and keeping her interested I guess he is pretty good at fooling the wife and keeping her interested too.

[Artdeco]

He swings between the two of you, to maximize his needs being met.

You have given him enough of your time. enough of your energy. Enough of your love.

Just like he kept his wife in the dark about you when he left her, so that he could go back if he wants, he is now keeping you in the dark about the real arrangement at home, to leave your door open as well.

He likes to have both options open to him.

 

I don’t know why that’s always the general notion. Why does everybody think that a WH is always happily cherry-picking with only his own needs in mind? To me, a situation like that screams “pain”....And the WH is trapped between two worlds wanting to go in one direction but pulled into two different ones. That can’t possibly be pleasant. I believe that every man who has an affair that involves heart and soul, not only sex, is suffering. They feel they’re letting their (loved) family down, but they also feel that they’re letting their loved one (AP) down. They are neither here nor there. And that must be a very painful experience for them.

 

I’m not saying this because I think that OP should put up with it and enable him. I’m just saying this to encourage critical thinking a little bit. It’s not always the case that WS are just selfish and only interested in getting the “best of both worlds”...... it’s about what their needs are, and a lot of times they feel guilty because they have needs that have changed from when they first got married.

 

Sure, if somebody enters an A without thinking, just going with the flow and enjoying the ride, as long as nobody else finds out, they’re enjoying it. But after 8.5 yrs things are more serious I’m sure. And I think the OP’s AP/boyfriend is suffering as much as she is. Just food for thought.

[FMW]

The question isn't if the MM is suffering. He isn't posting here, his AP is. If she sympathizes with his situation and feels obligated to remaining available to him, she's never going to get out of the misery she is experiencing.

 

He might very well be suffering, but he's the one making all the decisions here because, as has been pointed out, both his wife and OP let him. So I don't think we need to give OP any more reason to grab on and keep holding on to a really unhealthy relationship. She's done that long enough. She needs to let go.

 

I've been there, I AM there. Mine was three years, not eight, but I get it. It's hard, it's painful. But the alternative is so much worse.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Finding and Art, both observations are correct. He is stuck but that is his own doing. He mentioned last week and again this week thoughts of suicide because he has let everyone down. Maybe he was playing up the victim role or maybe he felt the situation was that hopeless. Whenever someone is in that dark place, I listen closely. I've been there.

 

Possibly appeasing W for the 5 months and then selling the house in spring (to allegedly be with me) was his way of making as few waves as possible in this messed up situation. But life doesn't work that way. Someone will get hurt. I told him that, repeatedly. He didn't want to hurt her or me, but failed miserably on both counts.

 

My grave error was to keeping hanging on and believing his 'we will be together after all this'. I couldn't take one more empty promise. I have no clue what is happening on their end and never will. She takes him back because she loves him. I believed his promises because I love him. He just didn't have the backbone to make a final cut with either of us.

[BaileyB]

Possibly appeasing W for the 5 months and then selling the house in spring (to allegedly be with me) was his way of making as few waves as possible in this messed up situation. But life doesn't work that way.

 

He just didn't have the backbone to make a final cut with either of us.

 

In much the same way when you look back at your first post. He told you that he had left and moved to the cottage, much to your surprise when you offered to go to the cottage and he said you couldn’t, because his wife may be coming out.

 

He is clearly very torn between two women, and very conflict avoidant. In all this time, he has not been able to make a firm decision and stay with it. It’s hard to imagine that he will begin now...

[misspalmy]

But, his wife keeps taking him back. Why she does that, I can not even begin to comprehend.

 

he will cheat again. did take mm to come back to me. his wife reads his mail and everything. no wounder he cheated again.

[Marc878]

Fantasy met reality.

[What_Did_I_Do]

he will cheat again. did take mm to come back to me. his wife reads his mail and everything. no wounder he cheated again.

 

He will cheat again. Once the residue of this affair wears off.

 

A couple of weeks ago he must have been testing the waters with me during one of the times I asked if he was moving back with her. In that conversation, I told him if he moves back there I'm gone. Said no sane woman would stick around to subject themselves to more of this torture. He replied; not true, some people are satisfied with that type of arrangement. Suppose there are some out there looking for the no-strings fun. Not me. This has been the worst experience of my life.

[Marc878]

Sorry but he played you. He wants it like it was before. He has his family and you on the side.

 

You did it before do his conclusion is you'll do it again.

 

It works for him. You, not so much

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm sorry. I was involved with a man who was separated when we got together but after 6 months of having his own apartment, moved to a location near his house to finalize the divorce. I was not allowed to go there as it was near his family. (yes, I know). After 2.5 years, I moved on. Today, 13 years later, he is still married and fishing around.

 

These men, they will say anything to keep what they want - a family and an mistress. I get it. We also went on vacations, weekends at my place, etc. To this day I have no idea, I guess he lied. I never found out the truth. I just left.

 

To your earlier question, they are capable of great, deceptive lies. This guy, he invented a brother (or he had a real brother, not sure) but he said the brother was dying of Hep C. He went to see him down south for 2 weeks to help him with his final arrangements. The way I found out he lied was I sent him a text saying safe flight and a week later it was returned to me. This was in 2004, so back then the only reason a text was returned was because you left the country (cells didn't work overseas). When he finally got back I tricked him into telling me the truth (I pretended I knew already, men are not that smart) and the truth was he went to Italy with his family on a vacation. He did not tell me as he was sure I'd be mad.

 

I don't judge you OP as I get it. Even then, I did not leave for another year. I never knew if he really had a brother. But my takeaway is, you cannot believe anything they say in an affair.

[jah526]

my takeaway is, you cannot believe anything they say in an affair.

 

Yeah, bingo. When I finally realized this is when I made the decision to get out. Actually for at least some of them, I don’t think you can trust them outside of an affair either. These are people who are quite comfortable with lying.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Today is day 3 of NC. This is where I always buckle. I can't do that again. Functioning on 3 hours sleep a night and have lost 6 pounds since Friday. My brain is scrambled.

 

Today is worse than yesterday. When does it start to get a bit better.

 

Is he hurting too? He must be. This is a man who said he could never live without me and would never let me go. Seems he can, quite easily.

 

He wanted to talk over the basement situation on Thursday but I was so crushed I just showed him the door. Maybe I should have listened. I don't know.

 

My house is full of things he bought for 'us', you know, when he moves in here. All the renos and fixes, to the house, to my car.

 

This has GOT to get better.

[BaileyB]

Functioning on 3 hours sleep a night and have lost 6 pounds since Friday.

 

He wanted to talk over the basement situation on Thursday but I was so crushed I just showed him the door. Maybe I should have listened. I don't know.

 

No, you shouldn't have listened. There is nothing he could say that would make this different, or better. You did the right thing by showing him the door.

 

I hope you are able to go for a walk, or meet a freiend for coffee today. Take care of yourself.

[whichwayisup]

He will cheat again. Once the residue of this affair wears off.

 

A couple of weeks ago he must have been testing the waters with me during one of the times I asked if he was moving back with her. In that conversation, I told him if he moves back there I'm gone. Said no sane woman would stick around to subject themselves to more of this torture. He replied; not true, some people are satisfied with that type of arrangement. Suppose there are some out there looking for the no-strings fun. Not me. This has been the worst experience of my life.

 

Once the shock wears off and the sadness is gone, find the anger and use that to push yourself forward. Do counseling to help you process everything and work with the therapist so you can become stronger and wiser. Because this is far from over. the pattern is set, he knows (or thinks) he can woo you back in. He knows your weaknesses and he knows you love him. Selfishly he's going to use that against you to try to keep the door open. Therapy will help you SLAM that door shut and keep it shut.

[brigit87]

Today is day 3 of NC. This is where I always buckle. I can't do that again. Functioning on 3 hours sleep a night and have lost 6 pounds since Friday. My brain is scrambled.

 

Today is worse than yesterday. When does it start to get a bit better.

 

Is he hurting too? He must be. This is a man who said he could never live without me and would never let me go. Seems he can, quite easily.

 

He wanted to talk over the basement situation on Thursday but I was so crushed I just showed him the door. Maybe I should have listened. I don't know.

 

My house is full of things he bought for 'us', you know, when he moves in here. All the renos and fixes, to the house, to my car.

 

This has GOT to get better.

 

Aren't you at all angry?

 

He wasted your time. I'd probably throw all the crap out that he bought or give it away. Just thinking of him lurking in his wife's basement would turn me off.

[elaine567]

Aren't you at all angry?

 

He wasted your time. I'd probably throw all the crap out that he bought or give it away. Just thinking of him lurking in his wife's basement would turn me off.

 

 

Exactly. Creeping up the stairs, "Please give me another chance love..."

 

 

Does that not make you livid with anger?

[What_Did_I_Do]

I'm not angry yet but will get there.

 

I highly doubt he's even in the basement and W is just thrilled to have him home.

 

The thought of him there after all of this sickens me. And how he thinks he got away on Thursday unscathed with no drama from me. Didn't yell or cry...just showed him the door. All's good in his selfish little world....for now.

 

He's either incredibly relieved this is over or is waiting for me to reach out after I calm down and come to my senses.