Did I marry a drama queen?

[rabsaque]

Hi everyone is nice to finally find a place where i can talk about my problems like this.

 

I just got married to 6 months ago to my 10 years relationship partner, i always knew she was a little clingy and needy but now we are married the thing is out of control and i'm also starting to believe she is a cotrolling drama queen, i mean we are going trough tuff times, you see we are Venezuelan we had to flee our country due to economic and political problems, we both had to let our family behind and move to another country Perú in this case, is a good place to live if you don't mind the cold (leaving our loved ones was really hard but we had to do it for them) since we came here her attention need escalated 10000% i mean if i'm not in my job i must be in home or doing things with her is not just being in the same space as her no she even gets mad at me when i cook because i'm not paying attention to her (BUT SHE DONES'T COOK) if i don't do it we would be eating fast food 24/7 which she hates too she hates to spend money on street food, so my routine is, i get up at 5:00am get ready to work make breakfast and pack lunch i have cooked nigth before all that while she still sleeping then at 6:45 i hop to my bike and ride 1 and a half hour to work then i leave at 5:00 pm hope to my bike again adn get into another 1 and a half bike ride home where i come change clothes and start to cook dinner and next day meal she reach home at 7:30 by 9:00 pm i'm exhausted so i try to listen and give attention to her as much as i can while we are taking dinner but that is not enough when i'm prepparing for bed she starts ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP ALREADY? THATS IT? ANOTHER DAY IS GONE? YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE DO YOU?

 

 

I'm from country side i go to sleep early and wake up early sorry thats is how i'am but she doesn't help me at all and she treats me bad when she comes homes, her excuse "You know i get mad when i'm hungry" like the other day, i came home and the fridge was empty she got mad at me for that "THERE IS NOTHING IN THE FRIDGE? DID YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE? YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT WHITHOUT YOU I'M NOT GOING TO CARRY ALL THOSE BAGS ALONE!!" it was her day off i just came from work and she was yelling at me for that.

 

Yesterday i had enough when she came home i already was cooking she came homeand started yeling "WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DUSTY? I CAN FEEL THE DUST TROUGN MY SHOES IS YOUR GOT DAAM BIKE!!" she took a broom and started to clean, then while i was cooking i couldn't find the rice so i asked her "Honey have you seen the rice bag?" the response i got "I DON'T KNOW, LEAVE ALONE WITH YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS I'M HUNGRY" but in a areally bad tone then i snapped and told her "Well i don't care if you are starving but if you are going to treat me like that ill leave you alone as you asked" i went and finish cooking got to the room change clothes and went to sleep.

 

 

Then she started crying she always does that she cries and when i finally had enough and try to talk to her she either does 2 things turn the problems on me and find a way to make everything my fault (she is really good at that) or treating me with divorce or with leaving the house.

 

 

 

So i don't know what to do i believe she is a bully and a dramma queen but everytime i try to confront her she turns everything against me and making everythinf my fault (Like i'm like this cause you are too clumsy and disorganized and it gets me soo mad!!!!!) and im really not sure if the problem is her or me, i have my deffects tho i'm very clumsy, my memory is really bad and im a really disorganized person but i do my best to be a more adjusted person.

 

 

What can i do should i seek help? last time i tried counseling she didn't wanted to continue and we had to leave it i need help please i'm in a constant state of fear and stress i feel like i'm going crazy any minute, i'm having this fantasies where i get a gun and start shooting people and her and everybody, i'm not sure how much i can hold my sanity i'm really scared guys please help.

Edited October 5, 2018 by rabsaque

[Downtown]

Rabsaque, you are describing many red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, strong jealousy, temper tantrums, thriving on energy from fights/drama, black-white thinking, inability to trust you, lack of impulse control, usually believing herself to be "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting she may be exhibiting moderate to strong BPD symptoms.

 

I feel like i'm going crazy any minute.

If you really have been in a 10-year relationship with a pwBPD, it is not surprising that you're starting to feel like you may be "going crazy." Indeed, a large share of the abused partners of pwBPD become so confused that they feel like they may be going insane.

 

Because pwBPD typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

What can i do -- should i seek help?

Yes, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with. Learning to spot BPD symptoms will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether a professional opinion is warranted at this time. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at these BPD warning signs to see if most sound very very familiar:

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
   
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
   
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members (apparently, this isolation has already started with her treatment of your mother);
   
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
   
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
   
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
   
7. Low self esteem;
   
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
   
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
   
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
    
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
    
12. Complaining that all her previous partners were abusive and claiming, during the first few months of your relationship, that you are the only one who has treated her well;
    
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly at the beginning of your friendship (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met a "soul mate;"
    
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
    
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
    
16. Having no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though she may have many casual friends;
    
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
    
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
    

If most of those behaviors ring bells and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (usually at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

 

Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

[rabsaque]

Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;

 

She does this to me very ofthen when we talk abour our problems when i tell her that sometimes she overwelns me with all the information she trows at me she reponds "Well the solution is easy i will not talk about anything anymore"

that makes me feel terrible because i feel like i'm the bad guy.

 

 

 

Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

She is that kinf of person either i'm with her or againts her

 

 

Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away.

 

She isn't (i don't give her any reason tho) jealous but she gets mad everytime i stay late on the office no matter the reason las time she got mad cause i had to stay 1 extra hour at the office cause manager was late with my paymets that day she told me it was my fault cause i didn't talk to him earlier.

 

from close friends or family members (apparently, this isolation has already started with her treatment of your mother);

 

How did you knew it? she hates my mother with passion (she claims my mother ruined our wedding) she call me a mama's boy when the one who is constantly talking to her mother is her?

 

A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;

 

 

Yes she doesn't apreciate the fatc that i cook for her everyday and if wasn't for me she would be starving she says "cooking is something people must do is like cleaning you don't get prizes for cooking"

 

 

Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

 

She claims i don't tell her nothing about me, the reason is everything i say to her can be turn against me in a flip of a coin.

 

 

Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

She gets mad at me for stupid **** all the time.

 

 

 

Low self esteem;

 

When we got counselig the one who got low self steem was actually me, she passed all the test with honors was very weird i think since she use to get counseling when she was a child (she is an ex alcoholic's daughter) she knew what she was doing.

 

 

Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;

she flips on me for stupid things all the time actually there haven't been a single day she didn't get mad at me or treating me with leaving me in like 8 years

 

 

Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

 

She gets mad everytime she has to do something by herself or without me.

 

 

 

Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

Yes she is always the victim i'm the bad one (i'm starting to believe it)

 

Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

 

Surprisingly she is a very controlled person whit everything that has nothing to do with feelings.

 

 

Complaining that all her previous partners were abusive and claiming, during the first few months of your relationship, that you are the only one who has treated her well;

 

I'm her first and only BF Husband

 

 

 

Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly at the beginning of your friendship (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met a "soul mate;"

 

 

Actually she has problems dealing with people is one of the problems she is facing rigth now she works on Customer Service and is unable to deal with problematic clients without flipping on them and since she can't do it she gets depressed and all that bad **** goes straigth to me.

 

Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

 

i'm more of a go with the flow guy, she gets very frusttrated for that

 

Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

Thats the reason why she married me she says.

 

 

Having no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though she may have many casual friends;

 

 

Not yet i didn't let that happend but she gets mad if i spend to much time with my friends

 

Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people;

 

 

Not soo much she is very bad at hipocrisy if she is mad at you she can't hide it.

 

 

and

Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

 

Not soo much but it happens

 

 

 

 

 

Are you some kind of doctor?

Edited October 5, 2018 by rabsaque

[d0nnivain]

You have known her for 10 years. Was she always like this? If yes, you married a drama queen & you have to deal with it or get a divorce. If know, perhaps she has a brain tumor changing her personality.

 

I'm sorry you had to flee your country. I'm sure that upheaval isn't helping the situation.

[Downtown]

She does [black-white thinking] to me very often when we talk abour our problems... i'm with her or against her.

If your W is a pwBPD, she is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only ten seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly.

 

These rapid flips arise from a childish behavior called "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because her close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

i always knew she was a little clingy and needy.

If she is a pwBPD, she will absolutely HATE to be alone. The reason is that, because her emotional development stopped in early childhood, she never had an opportunity to develop an integrated self image. She thus does not have a strong sense of who she really is. The result is that, when she's alone in a room, she doesn't even have "herself" to keep her company.

 

Another result is that she will be attracted to a man having a strong, stable personality who can ground her and help calm her down. But, as with all young children, when you do EXACTLY THAT (provide the stability and grounding she dearly needs), she will resent you for doing it because it makes her feel suffocated and controlled.

 

She says "You don't love me any more, do you?"

Until she learns how to love herself, she is incapable of believing you truly love her. Granted, she may believe it for a few days at a time. But she is filled with so much self loathing that she lives in fear that, once you finally realize how empty she is on the inside, you will abandon her.

 

This is why she will repeatedly test your love and devotion by administering one **** test after another. Passing a test does not assure her of anything. Rather, it only means she will hold the hoop higher the next time she tests you by insisting that you jump through it.

 

She turns everything against me and making everything my fault

As noted above, a pwBPD is filled with self loathing she has been carrying since early childhood. Hence, the last thing she wants to find is one more flaw or mistake that must be added to the long list of things she hates about herself.

 

This is why her subconscious works 24/7 protecting her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It also reduces her pain by moving it outside her body. It accomplishes this by projecting all hurtful thoughts and bad feelings onto YOU.

 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will be absolutely convinced the bad thoughts and feelings are originating from YOU. And because that feeling is so intense, you will be unable to reason with her. When a feeling is that strong, she is convinced it MUST be true.

 

She gets mad every time i stay late on the office no matter the reason.

As noted above, her perception of your intentions is severely distorted by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Because she has a strong abandonment fear, she HATES being alone. At the same time, that abandonment fear is so intense it distorts her perception.

 

How did you know it? she hates my mother with passion.

Like a young child, a pwBPD is so immature that she sees interrelationships as a zero-sum game: any time you spend with your friends and family members is time that could have been spent with her. In her mind, it is evidence that you're choosing THEM over HER.

 

A pwBPD doesn't recognize that, by enriching your life and improving your happiness, those activities make you a better spouse for her. She fights over how to divide the pie because she cannot see that their are numerous ways to make the pie itself much larger.

 

Everything i say to her can be turn against me in a flip of a coin.

A pwBPD has such a fragile self image that, to the extent she has any lasting self identity at all, it is the false self image of being "The Victim." Always "The Victim."

 

As noted above, her subconscious works 24/7 "validating" that false self image by projecting nearly every misfortune or mistake onto YOU. Moreover, she will maintain a mental list of every mistake you've ever done (real or imagined).

 

Significantly, a pwBPD will not hesitate to pull out the ENTIRE list to support her arguments during a fight, no matter how minor the issue. This is why, when she is claiming that you forgot to turn a light off or failed to wash a dirty dish, she oftentimes will "validate" her claim by pointing to offenses (real or imagined) that you did 8 or 10 years ago.

 

She gets mad at me for stupid **** all the time.

If she is a pwBPD, you are in a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, which is one of the hallmarks of a BPD relationship. This means you will often find yourself in a no-win predicament. Whatever you do will be wrong.

 

This is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This puts you in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a pwBPD to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Because she has a fragile self identity and very low personal boundaries, she may even feel like she is disappearing into your strong personality.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Are you some kind of doctor?

I am not a psychologist. Rather, I am just a guy who was married to a pwBPD. For 15 years, I spent a small fortune taking her to 6 different psychologists (and 3 MCs) in weekly visits. Sadly, it did not make a dent in her BPD behavior. Not one dent. Instead of working hard to acquire emotional skills, she only played mind games with the psychologists. Edited October 5, 2018 by Downtown

[rabsaque]

For 15 years, I spent a small fortune taking her to 6 different psychologists (and 3 MCs) in weekly visits. Sadly, it did not make a dent in her BPD behavior. Not one dent. Instead of working hard to acquire emotional skills, she only played mind games with the psychologists.

 

Thanks for the hopes man

 

 

I would really like to talk to you-you seem like a guy who knows what's up.

 

What you said about abandonment is sooo freaking true, she constantly ask me "Why are you with me? what do you like about me?" my simple response is i don't know i just like you and that's it she hates it but is true.

 

I go out with my friends once every 1 or two months is a time i need, you know we all need no wifes no kids no bull**** she at 5:00 pm starts to calling me, where are you?, she doesn't say it but i know she thinks i prefer to be with my friends that with her, " which at this point its true"

 

 

Well i will still fight through years i managed to get small changes on her but if **** goes too wrong either ill just grab my bike and pedal to the horizon.

[preraph]

You need to sit her down and explain to her that you don't like her behavior, and that she's acting more like your child than your wife. I think the problem may be that you are becoming a parental figure to her, which is a sex killer and messes up a relationship. I mean, you're taking care of her like a child. That needs to stop. You need to divide up chores and write it down. She needs to learn to boil water and make rice. That's just silly that she refuses to do anything. Will she at least make a sandwich?

 

I wouldn't spend my life with her like that. She's always saying she's hungry. Does she have low blood sugar? Can you have a doctor test it? Low blood sugar can make a person very cranky but will also make them shakey, so notice if she's shakey or feels faint or anything like that. Rule that out. But if it's all behavior, you need to make some rules and tell her you're not her father and she needs to help out and that there will be no babies until she acts like an adult.

[Crazelnut]

Regardless of the armchair diagnosing, your wife's behavior is unacceptable and abusive. I don't think this is salvageable.