Angry. So very Angry.

[rmorlock]

I've been married for 13 years. It looks like it won't be 14.

 

My wife, two months ago said she was done and wanted a divorce. She said that she has completely given up and that there is no hope for us. I do not want a divorce, but have been amicable. Together we have split most of the finances and have a working parenting plan. I'm refinancing our rental home and will live there (which is 7 minutes from our current house).

 

I am still working on us as well. I call it my "plan A" and "plan B". Plan A is reconciliation, and plan b is divorce. My focus is on Plan A, but I am doing everything to not hinder Plan B.

 

Throughout our marriage I have done the finances. My wife just did not want to and I enjoyed it. I always included her in decisions. When there is something she wanted (a green house, a travel trailer) We talked about it and whether we could do it now or if we should wait. Never did I say no, but I did say "not now" a few times. I always explained why and she seemed to go along.

 

Throughout this divorce process we have actually gotten along. Then two days ago she gets her credit card bill. This is her personal card that she used for airline miles. I NEVER used that card, the only thing of mine that is on it is my father's day present, which was an expensive grill.

 

She flipped out when she saw that it was maxed out. The last time I touched the account was the day after she served me (two months ago) and I just handed her the statement and bill and said that it was hers now.

 

Since she has been so very angry. She does not say hello to me. She doesn't acknowledge me. In text messages she said that I was her worse mistake and she couldn't believe how much I was screwing her over.

 

We split ALL bills 50/50 even though she earned 60% of the income.

 

I don't understand what to do. I'm finally getting over the shock of the divorce and moving on, although my goal is to reconcile.

 

My thoughts are that she is seeing how I am happy. How I am changinng (lost 40 pounds, started excercising, started hiking and camping again) and she is bitter that I am happy. She, on the other hand has been on a pretty steep downward spiral since she served me. She is in trouble at work, her car is constantly in the shop, and some of her friends and family are upset with her for this divorce.

 

Lastly is the kids. We have three, ages 13, 10, and 7. I am honestly trying not to disparage my wife around them and I strive to be respectful in my conversations and tone with her. We talk about this divorce away from them, when they are in bed. I can not help that they are noticing that I am still trying to reconcile and she has given up. That I am trying to talk to her at the dinner table and she just gets up and leaves. They see the changes that I am making and they have told me that Mom just complains and yells. I think she has started drinking again.

 

Please help. Why is she so angry when she is getting EVERYTHING she wanted. Are my suspicions right that she is angry because I am doing well?

I do NOT suspect any infidelity at ALL, either in the past or current.

 

I need some outside perspective.

 

Thank you

[Mardelis]

She's angry at you because you represent everything that is wrong with her life, even if it's not true. You'll be blamed for everything that causes her grief even if you have nothing to do with it, such as a maxed out credit card or the spider web on the ceiling. She also might be angry at you because you aren't just rolling over and giving her the divorce she wants, you are ignoring her wants, feelings, and demands because they are contrary to what you want.

 

As far as the credit card goes- just so you know- until the date of legal separation you are legally responsible for at least half her debt, possibly more if you are the higher income earner.

 

One thing to consider at this time is that she might be more reasonable in settlement offers since she wants out so badly. If you hold on too long and she forces a contested divorce on you, things will get even more ugly and infinitely more expensive than if the two of you sit down with a mediator and draw up a separation agreement together.

 

 

Not sure why you talk about what the kids are observing? So what they know you want to save the marriage but mom wants out? It's irrelevant but you make a point of it as if it matters for some reason. Don't be one of those martyrs who is convinced they should stay married "for the children" when it's really because they don't want to leave.

[rmorlock]

I'm not trying to be a martyr. I am working on this marriage because I truly love her. I admit that I am not blameless in this marriage. I was neglectful and prideful. I'm working on me. My wife is worth working for.

 

Your probably right, the kids paragraph was more of me venting than staying on topic. I am frustrated.

[Mardelis]

Your wife said she is done and there's no hope.

 

 

 

Why fight for something she doesn't want?

[5x5]

I'm not trying to be a martyr. I am working on this marriage because I truly love her.

 

Yet you're barking up the wrong tree, because that feeling isn't mutual.

 

So you should take that on board, get your ducks in a row and act accordingly.

[frigginlost]

She's projecting. End of story.

 

You have been presented with something you never asked for from her (divorce). She has been under the illusion that everything will be peaches and cream as a divorced woman. What she's finding out is that everything that she built in her mind about being divorced is not in fact true. *Many, many* women pull this same bullsh*t when they are "done". They find out that life isn't exactly what they thought it was going to be, and then convince themselves that you are the cause of both sides of the miserable coin they are holding.

 

Sounds to me like you have your sh*t together. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. You're improving yourself, you'rekeeping your head screwed on straight, and you're looking after your children. Sound like a good man to me.

 

As far as Recon with her, keep doing exactly what you are doing and it will present itself. She will either continue to lie to herself and remain miserable with the life she created, or she will break and be knocking at your (new) door.

 

You hold all the cards. Keep it that way...

[GinON]

I think your wife needs space from you. I would pay the credit card if you can afford it, especially if your name is on it and keep track of the expenses you are paying to keep her afloat.

If you dont have to be in the same house together don't be but be nice about it like you say you are.

Stop trying to convince her or discuss the relationship at all with her, the pressure of you doing that will drive her further away. Listen and acknowledge her discussion and never argue, just accept her statements if she decides to talk & only if she does. I am in a similar situation with a live in wife and kids, she wants out (maybe, I dont really know ) and she was ANGRY for months and it just came out layer after layer. It got worse till I stopped wanting to discuss things from my perspective or my needs.

 

Once I figured this out and I did talk to her, I would just ask if she was OK and waited. She would growl, "what do you want from me?" I would say, "I dont want anything, just seeing if you needed to talk?" IF she replied, I listened and repeated what she said back if she paused, never defending myself. The anger faded and only occasionally pops up if a new layer is breached but that's it.

Back her up to her family, your family, etc. She is angry and has a right to feel the way she does, own your past mistakes, lay them out if you are asked instead of talking about how you are better now. Defending yourself or trying to convince her you are better will feed her anger.

 

The self improvement you are doing is awesome just do not expect ANYTHING from her, she doesn't owe it to you and may never improve, that is not under your control. In fact make sure nothing you are doing is interpretable as trying to control her or ask anything from her. She is hurting and unless she asks for your help, she DOES NOT want it.

 

That's my advice but my wife might leave me anyway, so bucket of salt here.

[vla1120]

Have you tried marriage counseling? It is hard to know what to work on if she is not communicating why she is unhappy. Maybe talking to a therapist (together or separately) will help. Best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Lastly is the kids. We have three, ages 13, 10, and 7.

 

Women with 3 kids rarely jump unless there's somewhere to land.

 

At least do the easy stuff and check phone, email, text and social media. What besides the grill is on the maxed out credit card?

 

If you're interested in staying in the marriage, you should at least know what you're up against. You don't describe a lot of marital problems leading up to her declaration, so I wonder why she woke up one morning and decided to divorce?

 

Mr. Lucky

[alphamale]

Lastly is the kids. We have three, ages 13, 10, and 7.

 

why are they "last"? shouldn't they be first?

[Marc878]

You have to be the bad guy to justify her actions. Pretty simple.

 

You should be in a hard 180. Playing mr nice guy won't get you a thing in this situation.

 

I agree with others. Check your phone bill.

 

You chase they move farther away.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Why is she so angry when she is getting EVERYTHING she wanted. Are my suspicions right that she is angry because I am doing well?

I do NOT suspect any infidelity at ALL, either in the past or current.

 

 

She's angry because HER crappiness is being exposed as you move through this process. Who else is she going to be mad at? Herself? No. She's directing her anger to you because she views it as your fault that she is being exposed for who she truly is, even if you're not overtly badmouthing her.

 

I agree with the previous poster who says that women with kids very rarely just want out unless there's a soft place to land (or maybe there WAS and now there is not, which would also explain her anger).

[S2B]

Yep. That would be my guess as well. Women are usually good for planning these things out. If the divorce seemed to come as a surprise to the husband, you can bet that the wife had been thinking about and planning it for quite some time. This includes a backup plan (another guy).

 

Yep... and maybe her credit card was going to be used for a vacation... but if it's maxed out no time away with her OM.

[somanymistakes]

Notice how quick everyone is to project villainy onto your wife, even if it's not true?

 

That's also how quick someone who wants a divorce is to project villainy onto their spouse. Even if it's not true.

 

Because it makes everything so much simpler if the other person is a monster. Being angry at them makes it easier to move on, to restore your sense of self and move past the doubt and depression (yes, spouses who ASK for a divorce often go through a lot of depression too).

 

Posters here will do everything they can to try and make people angry at their spouses, in order to "help" them move past it. And you can bet that wherever she's getting HER advice from, whoever she's talking to, they're probably helping wind her up about how awful YOU are too.

 

Nobody going through a divorce is their true self. The stress of the circumstances makes people act in bizarre ways. Even though it's the most personal painful thing, at the same time it's not personal at all, what she goes through and what she thinks may have very little to do with your reality and much more to do with her emotional needs.

 

You can't fix the other side of a relationship by being extra-good on your side of it. It just doesn't work. It takes two. If she's not interested, no amount of good behavior on your part is going to change things.

 

So view her as a lazy, entitled, wicked demon if it makes it easier for you to get over her. It's not the truth, but what she thinks about you isn't the truth either.