I am starting to get obsessed with my boyfriend and need constant validation

[Oceanwaves]

I have been trying to cope on my own but I think its getting out of control. We see each other 1-2 times a week, usually once a week.

We spend a lot of time texting, through the day and evenings too. When we meet up its always magical. We have been together for 2 months but known each other for probably 1year.

We have a special connection.

However, I'm not doing well in this. I feel I need his messages badly, otherwise I can't function properly. He's not always affectionate in his messages, some days more like friends chat , and it drives me nuts. Then I miss his emojis and hearts, the sweet things he says. Though at the end of the day he may say something lovely again. When we meet he's always very lovely.but I compare his sweet messages to those days when he's not and I get scared. I then can't eat or get nervous.he knows this to an extend. I think he is sometimes not noticing that he isn't that affectionate all the time, but then, we can't only send lovely messages all day every day.

But I feel its interfering with my life. I feel worthless , annoying and scared, I sometimes say something to try to get a lovely message back.and if it doesn't work i feel really anxious.

We dont really speak on the phone ever. We are both 32y old . he tells me I can ask him anything.he said the way I feel isn't a problem, he doesn't feel intimidated or anything. I try so hard to keep my cool.

I get a lot of energy from his lovely messages and then on other days when he's busy or down or just not in the right mood for love, I can't cope

[d0nnivain]

Get therapy. The obsession is unhealthy. Of course you can cope without him. You have been doing so for 32 years.

 

When you are feeling out of control about this, take a breath & remind yourself that you got this far in life without him. His messages may be a lovely thing you enjoy but they are not vital to your existence. When you are feeling obsessed, redirect yourself. Go for a walk. Clean. Call a friend. Take up a new hobby.

[Oceanwaves]

Thanks for your answer.

 

When I go on a walk I feel I need the internet with me because of him and everything reminds me of him and I remember those days when he said lovely things

 

The other problem is that I am scared of sending less messages in case that it could make us drift apart when we talk less. I'm scared we will go our own ways then.. Probably extreme way of thinking.

 

But maybe it would make him miss me. I'm always always available!

[isolatedgothic]

From what you are saying, it sounds like you are indeed very lonely and have a deep need in your heart for someone. This is part of why you are holding on so tightly and living from one text to the next. You feel empty.

 

Then we have him, telling you that you can ask him anything, telling you he is somehow okay with hearing how much you need him/miss him. Is he, however, reciprocating? Is he saying he needs you just as much, and he feels lonely inside when he doesn't hear from you?

 

I believe you are feeling this way because you have a very strong instinct, and your instinct is telling you that your relationship is very uneven. See, you depend on him wholly to fill your empty needs, and him? He doesn't depend on you nearly as strongly. He doesn't have a chance to miss you, because you're always right there. My guess is he knows this and has seen your type before. He, then, feels incredibly secure, and maybe even a bit bored.

 

You are in very deep. Your gut is telling you that your needs are not being met. I think it's time to start filling your mind and your calendar with other things. Put your phone in a drawer and leave it there for 3 hours. Have a friend hold it for you. Give yourself a break from the attachment you have to this guy. Your world revolves around him. His doesn't revolve around you.

 

Take care of you. Fill your needs with others. Like the person above said, you've gone all this time without him. You can survive, but your attachment is running too deep at this point. It doesn't match up with his attachment to you, and that's a dangerous place to be.

[ExpatInItaly]

Get therapy. The obsession is unhealthy. Of course you can cope without him. You have been doing so for 32 years

 

Agreed with all of the above.

 

Has this been a pattern in your previous relationships, OP? How's your social life? What are your hobbies and interests, your passions?

 

He might feel he can deal with it now, but it's likely to wear thin on him as time progresses. You are going to need to seek out some help for this so your relationship can proceed in a healthy way.

[Ronni_W]

I feel I need his messages badly, otherwise I can't function properly. ... I feel worthless , annoying and scared, ... We are both 32y old . ... I get a lot of energy from his lovely messages and then on other days when he's busy or down or just not in the right mood for love, I can't cope

Oceanwaves,

as kindly and gently as possible...

 

He is your peer, not your parent; and you are not 3 years old. But that is your current, demonstrated level of emotional independence and self-sufficiency.

At this age, no-one else is responsible for your own sense of self, and self-worth, and level of positive/constructive Energy that you can generate and maintain within yourself.

 

He is going to get busy to the point where you are not his main priority; and he has the right and deserves to have time where he (his sense of self, and self-worth, and level of positive/constructive Energy within himself) is his priority, where you will have to take the back-seat.

 

It is your self-responsibility and obligation to learn to cope with life and all of life's realities, and to learn how to make your proper and equal contribution to all the relationships that are important to you now and will be important to you in the future.

 

If you're not yet ready for therapy, then at least make an effort to start looking into 'emotional intelligence', 'abandonment/attachment issues', positive communication skills, etc. Otherwise you will become an emotional drain on the very people whom you want to keep in your life.

 

I do wish you the best...but it is going to be up to you to make the effort.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have been trying to cope on my own but I think its getting out of control. We see each other 1-2 times a week, usually once a week.

We spend a lot of time texting, through the day and evenings too. When we meet up its always magical. We have been together for 2 months but known each other for probably 1year.

We have a special connection.

However, I'm not doing well in this. I feel I need his messages badly, otherwise I can't function properly. He's not always affectionate in his messages, some days more like friends chat , and it drives me nuts. Then I miss his emojis and hearts, the sweet things he says. Though at the end of the day he may say something lovely again. When we meet he's always very lovely.but I compare his sweet messages to those days when he's not and I get scared. I then can't eat or get nervous.he knows this to an extend. I think he is sometimes not noticing that he isn't that affectionate all the time, but then, we can't only send lovely messages all day every day.

But I feel its interfering with my life. I feel worthless , annoying and scared, I sometimes say something to try to get a lovely message back.and if it doesn't work i feel really anxious.

We dont really speak on the phone ever. We are both 32y old . he tells me I can ask him anything.he said the way I feel isn't a problem, he doesn't feel intimidated or anything. I try so hard to keep my cool.

I get a lot of energy from his lovely messages and then on other days when he's busy or down or just not in the right mood for love, I can't cope

 

You are insecure. I'm probably older than you and my experience has showed me that when I am insecure, it is because my subconscious is picking up on something which I ma not aware of.

 

It could be you. It could be him. What if you tried to speak on the phone? I hate texting myself.

[Rockett]

I used to feel this way a lot in my 20s. But remember, it's never to late to break your pattern and add more positives to your life (hobbies, friends, etc) if you really want to. Emphasis on if you really want to. Because what may be happening here, is that you (like most women, and I would say a lot of people in general) fall prey to the cultural narrative that women are nothing without a romantic partner in their lives. That we somehow need that validation or else we are incomplete. That's just not true. Yet when we get into relationships, it seems like deep down we think that's the case- which results in what you're feeling here: feeling lost, feeling dependent, wanting validation to keep you going.

 

 

 

I sympathize, most of us have been there. The question is how much you are willing to work past this so that you (not him, not the relationship) can be in a better place in your day to day experience. Wish you luck!

[Karolina]

the less you control a person, the better.

[Lotusgirl9000]

I have been trying to cope on my own but I think its getting out of control. We see each other 1-2 times a week, usually once a week.

We spend a lot of time texting, through the day and evenings too. When we meet up its always magical. We have been together for 2 months but known each other for probably 1year.

We have a special connection.

However, I'm not doing well in this. I feel I need his messages badly, otherwise I can't function properly. He's not always affectionate in his messages, some days more like friends chat , and it drives me nuts. Then I miss his emojis and hearts, the sweet things he says. Though at the end of the day he may say something lovely again. When we meet he's always very lovely.but I compare his sweet messages to those days when he's not and I get scared. I then can't eat or get nervous.he knows this to an extend. I think he is sometimes not noticing that he isn't that affectionate all the time, but then, we can't only send lovely messages all day every day.

But I feel its interfering with my life. I feel worthless , annoying and scared, I sometimes say something to try to get a lovely message back.and if it doesn't work i feel really anxious.

We dont really speak on the phone ever. We are both 32y old . he tells me I can ask him anything.he said the way I feel isn't a problem, he doesn't feel intimidated or anything. I try so hard to keep my cool.

I get a lot of energy from his lovely messages and then on other days when he's busy or down or just not in the right mood for love, I can't cope

 

Oh how I understand you, I feel the same when he texts me less or he doesn't send that heart emoticon or he is less affectionate. I wasn't like this but I started to depend on him for my happiness.

 

I'm also insecure and that ruins everything... sometimes it's just stress, sometimes guys just want to do guys stuff, they don't even imagine that they make us feel this way..

 

So try to do your things, live your life, show him you have a life too, he will see you are ok without him and that will spark his interest again.

Best of luck!