difficult mornings

[amers53]

Hi all....I've posted on other boards here but never the parenting one (kinda forgot there was one, so happy to find it today). My question is about how to make mornings smoother for getting my D4 up and ready for school.

 

A bit of a background...I've been a work-from-home mom since she was 2 and a stay-at-home mom before that (I quit my full-time outside the home job when she was about 6 months old). I've tried to only work when she is sleeping or with another caregiver, so to her I'm basically a SAHM. She was never in daycare, so most days for the last 4 years we have gotten to enjoy lazy mornings of hanging around the house, and when we did go places, we never had real deadlines or could go late enough that she could enjoy playing and getting ready slowly.

 

She started pre-school last month, so now she suddenly has to get up and get ready right away 3 mornings a week, and it's not going well. I try to give her a few minutes to wake up and/or play before eating breakfast and getting ready, but that hasn't been enough. I cannot give her more because I am not a morning person, never have been, so we do not get up with a TON of time to get ready. I am working on getting up earlier, but I am not really convinced even 30 more minutes before getting ready will help.

 

The big issue is getting her to go potty. She says she doesn't have to go and doesn't even want to try, despite me telling her over and over that she has to at least try before leaving the house.

 

Also getting her dressed. I pick out enough shirts for the week and hang them on a lower bar so she can pick her shirt, and the night before I find pants that go with it so her outfit is ready. But most mornings she has a fit and has to change her underwear 2-4 times....she claims certain ones don't fit, despite all being the same size and letting her pick them at the store...for example today she HAS to wear Minnie Mouse but those are all dirty and she doesn't want to wear any others, but tomorrow she might be totally fine wearing whatever print. She also often has an issue with her outfit, even though we picked it out the night before and she was fine with it (again claiming the pants don't fit or begging to wear ones that are dirty, etc).

 

Does anyone have any tips to help mornings go smoother? Anyone else have a grouchy morning kid who doesn't like anything? Her dad and I are currently going through a divorce and he is no longer living in the home. I don't know if that has anything to do with her behavior, or maybe all the changes with him moving out and her starting school....or maybe it's just normal 4-year-old behavior? Any advice is appreciated!

[preraph]

After school one day, try sitting down with her eye to eye and telling her this morning nonsense has got to stop. Tell her the next time she doesn't get up and put her clothes on (forget about going to the bathroom except she needs to brush her teeth), you are taking away a toy for each time she does it and you get to pick the toy.

 

Now, I do not have kids, but I have seen people get their 4 year olds ready before and they don't negotiate at all, but have to just manhandle them and put their clothes on them, whatever it takes. So if taking toys away doesn't make her stop fighting you, you've got about two more years you can hold her and put her clothes on whether she wants to or not as a reminder that you are bigger than her. Follow through and take her stuff away until she complies. And at that point, she has to earn it back by not arguing and just doing. She is only four, so it's not a great age for cooperation, but it's best to let her know who's boss now while you can physically control her if all else fails.

 

I have never understood why parents of small children ask their kids what they want to wear. If you let her do that, she will still be wearing pink sequins when she's a freshman in college and to job interviews. It's up to you to show her what is appropriate to wear and what looks nice, even if it's not something she would ever pick. You have to teach her to have practical taste. Never put a toddler in charge of choosing anything. Why have to negotiate? You're the mother, you're the boss. She doesn't get to pick what she wears for a long time to come.

[noelle303]

Well, my first suggestion - I think you're going to have to work on getting up a little earlier yourself.

 

I usually wake up about an hour and a half before my daughter just so I can get completely ready myself, have some coffee and prepare breakfast and school lunch.

 

Then I go and wake her up, I always try and be gentle with it and give her a few minutes to wake up completely while I go do something else. She's usually not up yet after those few minutes, but no I don't allow more sleeping - sometimes I tickle her until she's fully awake so that I make it a little less dreary.

 

I don't allow any games/playing/ipads in the morning, they are a time suck and kids are even less excited about going to school when they have to abandon playing.

 

She wears a school uniform so we don't have the problem of choosing what to wear, but my advice for you - have her choose what to wear the night before and lay out only these clothes on the chair, don't even make other clothes an option. Don't allow changing once she's already dressed.

 

The more you allow these outfit/underwear changes that she wants, the more she'll do it. When she was around three my daughter also did the whole thing where she doesn't want certain pants/shirt and wants to change five times. Apparently it's pretty normal at that age? However, I was firm on no changing once you're dressed, she would whine but get over it pretty quickly and soon she stopped doing it altogether.

 

We also prepare as many things as possible the night before - pack her backpack, iron and lay out the uniform, I prep everything for breakfast/lunch.

 

It also takes a bit of time to get into a routine - it's hard for your daughter, the separation, starting preschool and being away from both your and her dad. It could also be why she's stalling so much in the morning - she doesn't particularly want to go at all. Did you talk to the teachers about how she's adjusting?

[basil67]

It's the tail wagging the dog here - you need to get back in control.

 

I'd try switching it around. When she gets up, put her straight in the shower. The shower will make her pee, so you won't have to worry about the toilet. And it will wake her up and help her get moving. Then she gets dressed in clothes she chose the night before. If she argues about the clothes or underwear, don't engage. You're the boss here! Then breakfast and out the door. If she's tantruming over the clothes and won't eat, then she goes hungry. It shouldn't take her long to realise you mean business.

 

Support this by making visual supports of what your new morning routine will look like.

 

Picture 1 - wake up.

Picture 2 - shower

Picture 3 - get dressed

Picture 4 - breakfast

Picture 5 - leave for preschool

 

There is no reason to play before preschool, so it should take 45 mins tops.

[basil67]

I have never understood why parents of small children ask their kids what they want to wear. If you let her do that, she will still be wearing pink sequins when she's a freshman in college and to job interviews.

 

Meh, they grow out of it. The pink sequins go and then the purple comes in. Then the black then the full goth phase. And then they wear punk styling to University. (at least, that's how it happened here)

[Gaeta]

For the bowel to get moving it needs to wake up and get liquid, she needs to move around and have a glass or milk or juice when she gets up.

 

 

 

Your kid has too much choice for a 4 years old. A child feels more secure when a path has been drawn ahead of time for them. You can give them choices between 2 outfits in the evening and then there is no change of mind in the morning, every fuss about her outfit should be met by a 'no' unless it's something like it's too tight and it hurts me.

 

 

Children are happy when they feel safe, and they feel safe when their parents act like parents and show them the way. Right now you are not showing the way to your daughter, you are tagging along while she is all over the place. Changing outfits 3-4 times in the morning shows she is testing your limits and so far she has not hit any. She must feel very insecure. Insecurity in a child translates with fussiness, tamtrums, screams, hitting, bitting, etc.

[vla1120]

My youngest was a bear to get out of the house in the morning. As some others suggested, I let her choose between two outfits. It was laid out the night before - no changing! I used to tell her that I could let her sleep longer in the morning if she made those decisions the night before (what to wear, what to eat for breakfast in the morning, shoes selected and placed by the door (my kids could never find their shoes!), book bag and lunch packed and ready to go. I didn't push the bathroom, but she knew if she tried to say she had to go on the way out the door, I would tell her she missed her chance and had to wait until we got to school/daycare.

 

We were nightly baths, but I like the idea of a morning shower. That's the only way I can wake up. Maybe it would work for your daughter too.

[amers53]

 

Now, I do not have kids, but I have seen people get their 4 year olds ready before and they don't negotiate at all, but have to just manhandle them and put their clothes on them, whatever it takes.

 

I have never understood why parents of small children ask their kids what they want to wear. If you let her do that, she will still be wearing pink sequins when she's a freshman in college and to job interviews. .

 

 

I appreciate your desire to help, but it's really difficult to take parenting advice from someone who does not have kids.

[amers53]

Well, my first suggestion - I think you're going to have to work on getting up a little earlier yourself.

 

I usually wake up about an hour and a half before my daughter just so I can get completely ready myself, have some coffee and prepare breakfast and school lunch.

 

Then I go and wake her up, I always try and be gentle with it and give her a few minutes to wake up completely while I go do something else. She's usually not up yet after those few minutes, but no I don't allow more sleeping - sometimes I tickle her until she's fully awake so that I make it a little less dreary.

 

I don't allow any games/playing/ipads in the morning, they are a time suck and kids are even less excited about going to school when they have to abandon playing.

 

She wears a school uniform so we don't have the problem of choosing what to wear, but my advice for you - have her choose what to wear the night before and lay out only these clothes on the chair, don't even make other clothes an option. Don't allow changing once she's already dressed.

 

The more you allow these outfit/underwear changes that she wants, the more she'll do it. When she was around three my daughter also did the whole thing where she doesn't want certain pants/shirt and wants to change five times. Apparently it's pretty normal at that age? However, I was firm on no changing once you're dressed, she would whine but get over it pretty quickly and soon she stopped doing it altogether.

 

We also prepare as many things as possible the night before - pack her backpack, iron and lay out the uniform, I prep everything for breakfast/lunch.

 

It also takes a bit of time to get into a routine - it's hard for your daughter, the separation, starting preschool and being away from both your and her dad. It could also be why she's stalling so much in the morning - she doesn't particularly want to go at all. Did you talk to the teachers about how she's adjusting?

 

Thank you....yes I am working on getting up earlier. It's difficult because some nights I have to work until 12 or 1am after she goes to bed, so my struggle to get up isn't just "I don't want to get up"....but more, I don't even hear my alarm or come out of sleepy brain fog to realize I need to get up. I've got several alarms, I just need to keep working at it.

 

I'm so stressed over my divorce, my stb ex is making things very difficult and I know I am likely making things worse with my D4 because my own stress is coming out. Thanks for the advice.

[amers53]

It's the tail wagging the dog here - you need to get back in control.

 

I'd try switching it around. When she gets up, put her straight in the shower.

 

I'll try that....we've always done bath/shower at night, but maybe that would work for her better. Thanks!

[amers53]

For the bowel to get moving it needs to wake up and get liquid, she needs to move around and have a glass or milk or juice when she gets up.

 

 

 

Your kid has too much choice for a 4 years old. A child feels more secure when a path has been drawn ahead of time for them. You can give them choices between 2 outfits in the evening and then there is no change of mind in the morning, every fuss about her outfit should be met by a 'no' unless it's something like it's too tight and it hurts me.

 

 

Children are happy when they feel safe, and they feel safe when their parents act like parents and show them the way. Right now you are not showing the way to your daughter, you are tagging along while she is all over the place. Changing outfits 3-4 times in the morning shows she is testing your limits and so far she has not hit any. She must feel very insecure. Insecurity in a child translates with fussiness, tamtrums, screams, hitting, bitting, etc.

 

 

Wow, a little harsh. I did say I am going through a divorce and things are very difficult for all of us right now. Telling me I am not acting like a parent does not really help me. I do not allow the changes, but she has arms and legs and she takes them off herself. Short of physically holding her down and keeping her clothes on her, a child does have the free will to do these things. Yes I am very aware that she is testing the limits, and I am trying to figure out how to deal with that, thus the post asking for help. Telling me I am not acting like a parent and just reiterating what's happening is not really helpful. I DO tell her no changing, which results in the tantrum, which is what I need help with. I DO let her pick between options and have the outfit laid out in the morning and ready to go as I said in my OP.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When my son was that age, everything was about reverse psychology.

 

"Don't you dare get on that potty! You better not pee!"

 

"If you wear those panties today, you're gonna be in big trouble later! No spinach for your snack!"

 

I'd also try giving her MORE control (or the illusion of it). Choose three complete outfits she can choose from. If she wants to mix and match within those outfits, fine, but she at least gets a voice. She does not have to match.

 

Also, maybe let her pick out your clothes for the day after she gets dressed.

 

Kids like boundaries, but they also like to start to become independent and make their own choices.

 

I also think you should get up 30 minutes early. Sorry!

[preraph]

Meh, they grow out of it. The pink sequins go and then the purple comes in. Then the black then the full goth phase. And then they wear punk styling to University. (at least, that's how it happened here)

 

Not around here, they don't! I swear I see lots of high school age girls still dressing just horribly, everything has to be sparkly, etc. To me, it's the same as teaching a child what to eat. If you cook a good balanced meal and she either eats it or she goes hungry, she acquires a taste for those green beans. If you never make a kid eat anything and always let them eat something they prefer instead, they are carrying those habits into adulthood.

 

If you dress them and decide what they wear when young to go out, they learn the difference between play dressing and school or church dressing. And just like food, they acquire a taste for those clothes you chose. My mom made 95 percent of my clothes. I never picked a dress out for myself until I was about 15. But I liked a lot of the things she made and remember them and miss the color combinations and things like that. I just think parents are failing to train their kids in some of these basic areas because it's easier at first not to, but then you run into this.

 

I totally agree with your post except I'd say then she puts on what her mother picked out the night before.

[preraph]

I appreciate your desire to help, but it's really difficult to take parenting advice from someone who does not have kids.

 

Try to remember that I once WAS a kid with parents, a kid who never missed the bus and made straight A's, a kid who never needed to be nagged because my mother knew what she was doing. Maybe that will help.

Edited October 8, 2018 by preraph

[basil67]

Amers, when she takes her clothes off, how do you react? And what does she do after that?

[noelle303]

Thank you....yes I am working on getting up earlier. It's difficult because some nights I have to work until 12 or 1am after she goes to bed, so my struggle to get up isn't just "I don't want to get up"....but more, I don't even hear my alarm or come out of sleepy brain fog to realize I need to get up. I've got several alarms, I just need to keep working at it.

 

I'm so stressed over my divorce, my stb ex is making things very difficult and I know I am likely making things worse with my D4 because my own stress is coming out. Thanks for the advice.

 

I understand, I also often do some work when my daughter goes to sleep until late at night - I rarely go to sleep before midnight so I can also be a zombie in the morning. It really helps me to put my alarm clock all the way on the other end of my bedroom so I physically have to get up to turn it off. After that I'm up and I don't go back to bed, I hop in the shower and that wakes me up. Massive amounts of coffee follow.

[Miss Clavel]

this begs the question,why doesn't she like school? isn't there anything fun going on there for her to look forward to?

 

my daughter didn't take a shower in the morning, she did it at night. because once i found her asleep in the stall with the warm water still running.

 

i picked out her clothes which i did for about three years, she wore what i put out. she sometimes wanted something different and i'd let her change but only if she could do it "fast fast".

 

a few times i would dress her and later find her by the front door almost naked refusing to wear what i just put on her and once i found her in a tee shirt and a rehearsal tutu.

 

i finally figured out that if i'd take her to the store and let her choose her clothes, within reason, it got way easier.

 

and im not a firm believer in love and cuddles as the way to wake them up because in the real world, that doesn't happen every day. mine was allowed to watch tv and eat breakfast at the same time (if she got out of bed on time), then use the bathroom and brush her teeth. in the real world i can't imagine anyone not turning on the news/weather or checking their feed in the morning. that's life today.

 

she now gets up on her own however she's informed me that no matter what we pick out at night she would never wear it because she is not in the same mood she was yesterday.

 

now...if i could just get the older ones to put away their clean laundry they might be able to find a pair of socks that work and a bra that doesn't show under their tee.

 

as for trying to force her because "you're bigger" , don't.

 

p.s. once my mom took me to jr. high in my pj's. omg

and once my sister took her boy to school without his shoes.

[basil67]

p.s. once my mom took me to jr. high in my pj's. omg

and once my sister took her boy to school without his shoes.

 

With neuro typical kids, I am also a big advocate of consequences. You don't want to put on clothes? I will take you in your PJs with clothes in your bag. Leave your lunch at home - go hungry. Leave your homework at home - your problem.

 

Kids with special needs need a bit more digging to find out what's going on.

[Gaeta]

Wow, a little harsh. I did say I am going through a divorce and things are very difficult for all of us right now. Telling me I am not acting like a parent does not really help me. I do not allow the changes, but she has arms and legs and she takes them off herself. Short of physically holding her down and keeping her clothes on her, a child does have the free will to do these things. Yes I am very aware that she is testing the limits, and I am trying to figure out how to deal with that, thus the post asking for help. Telling me I am not acting like a parent and just reiterating what's happening is not really helpful. I DO tell her no changing, which results in the tantrum, which is what I need help with. I DO let her pick between options and have the outfit laid out in the morning and ready to go as I said in my OP.

 

 

Sorry for the tough love. I am a mother, I was also a pre-school teacher for 6 years so I am not totally in the dark when it comes to kids.

 

 

 

Your child has

 

 

 

* too much choice

* feeds on your stress

* doesn't have clear limits

* limits are not reinforced with consequences

* consequences are not clear, repeated, and applied

 

 

* You need to get up early in the morning, end of story. That's what being a parent demands so you make it happen. Go to bed earlier.

 

 

 

Short of physically holding her down and keeping her clothes on her, a child does have the free will to do these things

 

A child has a free will? No, she/he doesn't.

 

 

 

When she starts taking her shirt off tell her the consequences she will get. You stop her, ask her to look at you in the eyes, and tell her:

 

 

* If you take off that shirt you will have a time out in the corner*

 

 

 

* If you try to change your clothes in the morning you will lose your play time when you get up*

 

 

* If you try to change your clothes in the morning I will take away your favorite toy for 3 sleeps*

 

 

At first it will be tough, but ONLY if you persist she will get with the program. The consequence must me IMMEDIATE with no negotiating. You are the boss. If you don't make it clear right now that you run the show by the time she is 10 she will have lost all respect for your authority, she already is questioning your authority.

[Mrschaney]

Totally agree with Gaeta. Your child is running the show and you. Think its hard now? If you dont gain control NOW in 10 years your life will be a nightmare. Children do not have free will. They follow your rules period. You said you dont allow clothes changes, yet stand by as it happens. Thats allowing it to happen. Stop worrying about giving her choices and how she feels and be a parent. Its not hard. She’ll respect you for being the parent. If you continue on this path she will lose all respect for you. Times are hard now due to your divorce which means she needs a firm hand even more than before. Wake up. Youre the boss. Trust me, youll regret not taking this advice.