angelap Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 I am going to try hard to keep this brief... My bf has three children with his ex-wife. They are now 13,18 &22. We have been together 2.5 years. Before me, he was with another woman for 3 years. Lets call her Jan. She doesn't have kids. While dating Jan, Jan had a horrible relationship with his ex-wife and the oldest daughter. It caused a lot of pain and frustration for him. They lived together for a few years but only had the kids two weekends a month, and even then the two oldest wouldn't stay over. (So it's not a situation where all of them lived together for a long period of time.) When they broke up, Jan asked him if she could still have contact with the kids. He had a bad feeling about it, but couldn't think of a good enough reason to say no. He deals with abandonment issues, both personally growing up and guilt of the divorce and moving away from the his kids (same town still.) I assume he was saving them from a blunt goodbye and figured the relationship would fade over time. After the breakup, the exes met for coffee and over a common bond of being broken up by my bf (I would assume) became friends. Somewhere along the line Jan and the oldest daughter also became friends. He does not have a good relationship with Jan. I have never officially met her, but early on in our relationship she blocked me on fb. Which I found really weird. So she's never made a step to look like she's is trying to build relationship or is non-threatening. I can't even think psychologically of a healthy reason she would have to block me (but still remain deep in his children's lives.) It has also made me feel like the opening to be "dad's gf" towards his kids was never open for me, because Jan never gave up that role. I have a cordial relationship with the children, but not close. And I can't help but wonder if they feel like they have to take sides... that they can't completely be open to me because that would be betraying Jan. Everyone I know thinks that it's bizarre that she is still in a relationship with them. (We live in a small town.) We are now to the three year break up point(my bf and Jan's). They've been apart just as long as they were together. Jan has a close relationship with all three girls and the exwife. My bf has not been okay with this as long as we've been together. But he has felt that because he initially said "okay" that he couldn't change his mind. To give you some idea, Jan gets together with the 13 year old every week for dinner on top of other things. Which means she is seeing the youngest as much as he is. At every important event Jan is there. school programs. graduations etc. The middle child just shared something very personal in a text message to her mom, my bf, her sisters and the exgf. That threw by bf over the edge. He doesn't want his exgf to still be in the inner circle of his family and intertwined. He realizes that there's nothing that he can do with the ex wife or older two children, since they are adults now. But he wants to put his foot down at her spending time with the 13 year old. The exwife doesn't care and says that he doesn't have control over who the daughter sees on her time. It feels like we're in a lifetime movie with a crazy ex that refuses to leave. Thoughts?? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 I don't know what her motivations are. I mean, normally, I'd say a person who stays in contact with his family is stalkerish and trying to get back in the back door by manipulating his relatives, but you said nothing about her trying to see him, only the kids. So maybe she was genuinely bonded with the kids. Yes, I see your point about the kids being torn and I see how it might prevent them from being as close to you, but if their natural mother can accept it, I guess you should be able to just go along with it too, even if it means you don't form a big bond with them. I do believe if he was motivated, a judge could stop this visitation with the ex-gf, but he's not motivated and it would probably only rock the boat and upset the kids. It won't be long until this 13-year-old is over wanting to even be around "parental figures" anyway, as she enters her teen years, providing that she's a normal outgoing kid with friends her own age. She'll soon be disappointing all her parental figure fans with being embarrassed to being seen with them, so at least you have something to look forward to! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 Hmm. This is a tricky one, especially because a 13-year-old is at an impressionable age and taking Jan away may be like cutting her off from a supportive figure; she may internalize it or come to resent the parties involved if she finds out what the deal is. Is Jan saying anything poisonous to this child? Trying to manipulate the kid with any of the relationships involved? Or is that relationship otherwise mostly an emotionally positive experience for the 13-year-old? Unfortunately, I feel like this horse has gotten a bit too far out of the gate if they are close right now. But if anything is done about it, it has to come from your boyfriend, not you. He is the one that failed to put down proper boundaries in the first place. He needs to have a chat about how it makes him uncomfortable that she spends more time with his child than he does, maybe have her phase down to once every couple of weeks as opposed to cutting her off abruptly. There are so many parties here that could resist this (ex-wife, two older daughters, kid in question) I just don't know the chances of succeeding at this without everything blowing up in his face if he suddenly tried to implement a hard line in the sand. It really depends on the emotional maturity/stability of Jan and the respect that she has for your boyfriend's wishes... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 Unfortunately because the EX wife says it's OK for the 13 year old to spend time with Jan, he will not be able to obtain a court order keeping them apart. He should sit his girls down & tell them that their relationship with his EX troubles him. See what they have to say about why she is still in their lives. No matter what he has to do what's in their bests interests, even if it is not in his best interest. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 Does Jan have a new bf? If yes, he might not be okay with the situation too. Perhaps your bf doesn’t have an amicable relationship with his exW and perhaps the breakup with Jan was not amicable? It’s the story of your enemy’s enemy becomes your friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelap Posted October 5, 2018 Author Share Posted October 5, 2018 Jan had a bf for a little while last year but it didn't work out. I'm so curious to know what he thought. That's EXACTLY what happened with them. :| Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 There is nothing your bf or you can do here without causing a huge rift which may mean none of the kids may want to come and see you. With Jan and the ex wife becoming friends and all three girls being close to Jan and their mum, then you are correct there is no place for you here. The 13 yo is too old now to lay down the law, so your bf needs to try to build bridges not demolish them. Jan has been in the 13yos life since she was 7, you can't just tell the kid she can't see her any more, that isn't fair and I doubt she would respect your bfs wishes anyway. Being a teenager is hard enough without ripping part of her support system from her. His ex wife is also correct he has no right to dictate who this kid sees whilst she is with the ex wife anyway. This is the problem with "other people's kids", you and your bf may have had great plans for you all to be one big new happy family but the kids and exes have other plans... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 It's too late to back peddle, if the children have a relationship with the ex, the rug should not be pulled out...it's done. Why haven't you established a relationship with his children over holidays, visits and family functions? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 It has also made me feel like the opening to be "dad's gf" towards his kids was never open for me, because Jan never gave up that role. I have a cordial relationship with the children, but not close. And I can't help but wonder if they feel like they have to take sides... that they can't completely be open to me because that would be betraying Jan. Everyone I know thinks that it's bizarre that she is still in a relationship with them. (We live in a small town.) Boy, looks like lots of competing agendas, many having nothing to do with the kids, are at work here. Given the kid's ages and what they've been through (divorce, multiple live-in partners), I doubt the position of "dad's GF" exists with any significance. The role available to you is to simply be another supportive, friendly and nurturing presence in their lives. Focus on that and let the petty competitions and jealousies go, small town or not. I'd guess this is a big deal for your BF only because you make it so... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 5, 2018 Share Posted October 5, 2018 It has also made me feel like the opening to be "dad's gf" towards his kids was never open for me, because Jan never gave up that role. I have a cordial relationship with the children, but not close. And I can't help but wonder if they feel like they have to take sides... that they can't completely be open to me because that would be betraying Jan. Everyone I know thinks that it's bizarre that she is still in a relationship with them. (We live in a small town.) Let go of this. You are making it about his ex wife and ex girlfriend, when after yrs. (3?) together, these kids would be seeing you for who you are and what you mean to their dad. At this point, the ex's friendship or relationship with the kids should be entirely separate in their interactions with you. I think you are preoccupied with your bf's ex's and this is holding you away from establishing your own bond with the kids. Is your relationship solid? Or is this issue with the children a representation of insecurity in your relationship with their dad? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 There is no limitation of space in children's heart to love and appreciate someone in their life. Jan doesn't take any of what could be 'your space' you simply need to build your own relationship with the kids. Jan doesn't sound like a toxic person, there is no reason for her to be blocked out of the children's life, especially not the 13 year old who by the way doesn't give a heck about your adults insecurities. She gets to eat out once a week with someone she considers cool that takes interest in her, why in the world would you want to destroy that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Why does he only see his youngest child one day a week? You said the ex sees the child as much as your boyfriend... why doesn't he attempt to have a closer relationship with his kids? Has he ever tried to have more time with them? Link to post Share on other sites
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