Marc878 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 well yeah I have been pretty close to signing... then we both kind of retreated I guess. Just not sure what her continued game is. Does it even matter? A lot will stay living off hopium that it'll change. Abusive behavior normally just gets worse. At some point you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You know you're teaching her how she can treat you. Wait'll she does it in front of your friend or family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Totally get what you are saying as for friends/family - nope. she does not like going out. So I am always stuck in. I'm really sick and tired, and sick and tired of her attitude and random mood swings. Just like today. Doesn't talk then when I try to open her up or ask whats going on and how I can help, she bursts into yelling mode and I retreat. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Totally get what you are saying as for friends/family - nope. she does not like going out. So I am always stuck in. I'm really sick and tired, and sick and tired of her attitude and random mood swings. Just like today. Doesn't talk then when I try to open her up or ask whats going on and how I can help, she bursts into yelling mode and I retreat. Quit asking. Why do you keep going back for more? You probably want her to "get it" but I think you are the one that's not "getting it" this is who she is. When you've had enough maybe you'll act but until then this is going to be your life. It's very short why waste it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 I know. I know urgh. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 I'm really sick and tired, and sick and tired of her attitude and random mood swings. Just like today. Doesn't talk then when I try to open her up or ask whats going on and how I can help, she bursts into yelling mode and I retreat. Posted on another thread, it may be helpful to your situation. Concerning women flipping out and yelling over "nothing" There are two things here to take note of: 1. There is a list of things that has been frustrating her, and she keeps bringing them up because the root cause of them isn't resolved. 2. When women bring up the past like that when in a rage it is because they are trying to explain to you that how they felt back then is how you are making them feel right now. It isn't the event itself they are communicating, they are trying to communicate and describe an emotion, the way you make them feel. When you then ask "what's wrong" in response to that it just shows that you don't get their point and then they totally flip out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Thank you. I understand but this *totally* is not that at all. Either way, it's not fair to be treated like that. you wouldn't like it if you were me and experience AND suffering this. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 If you haven't download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. It's short and may give you some insight. Many like you stay and try and save what can never be saved. Don't wast your life away. You count too. You have value start using it. I've seen many time where you just have to make a decision. You deep down probably know that you shouldn't take being treated like ****. Taking that first step is easier said than done. I've had to deal with many things over the years. I don't hesitate. I go with that I know and make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce It's what you need at this time However, if you change nothing, nothing changes. All the advice in the world will do you no good unless you apply it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 The 180 is not designed to get your spouse back. It's designed to help you become strong enough to detach and begin building a life without them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 Thanks Marc. I know. I am usually excellent at making decisions. But with her, she is worn me down over the year and even more so in the last 4 months in general. Unfortunately the divorce process in WA is not necessarily a fair one but first and foremost, I can't be in the same place as her if/when the papers get served. I cant move either. no money really and the way my office (at home) is set up... and my business, it's a big inconvenience. Things don't need to be complicated but she is and will make it more difficult. I just wish I knew wtf is going on with her. She does not even respond to simple questions. Literally nothing. That's not normal, no matter what. And yet, I'm the bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Quit job, soured the milk, constant push/pull? A strong divorce filing served on her would get you the reality. She has a plan. Women don't take a dump without a plan. Got a prenup? If you don't you'll wish you did. You'd find out reality in 30 days or less. I've watched MW's put the screws to their H's. Savage. Every time I get a soft place, I remember my exW and these MW's and reconsider. Yeah, it's hard, I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 yeah. yet I cant say or think that there is a "plan". she has said a few things verbally which needless to say is not going to be true and has not proven to be true thus far. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 The bla bla is manipulation. When things get to this point, consider the person a mortal enemy who has half your business and life work. She's played the marriage and divorce game. She knows. Just sayin'. Lots of good advice in the thread by some of LS's best and brightest. Unpack it and reflect on it a bit. The thread is about a month old. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ai_hawk Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 I know, and I am ever grateful. It's just tough. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 My wife has HPD, a form of narcissism, yours probably doesn't but I see parallels in that everything is always about her and how the world (mostly me) doesn't provide her with ... (enter 'thing' of the day). If you challenge a personality like this it will pour fuel on the already simmering fire and blow up into something huge - so I don't. It has taken me years to work out how to deal with this personality but its all boiled down, ultimately, into me being internally strong and directed. I let her have her rants, all the while, fairly impassively, following my own direction and path. Ultimately, quite quickly actually, she will simply burn off that energy and return to a fairly normal state. What I really want to comment on though is you working from home. Its not clear to me, but is your wife normally at home as well? It seems like maybe yes, given that you are losing clients due to her 'stealing your attention' during the day when you should be working. I have a home office, but when my wife is at home the chances of me getting anything productive done are zero. Literally zero. She can't seem to get her head around the possibility that working from home is "real" work and actually pays the bills. To her, its me just fluffing around, and it drives her bonkers ... so then she drives me bonkers (smile). It may not be the root cause of things for you, but I'd suggest getting a small office somewhere close to your home. Keep things manageable rental wise, because its purpose is only to get you out of the house where you can be productive. It also keeps you out of the house, where the wife is, and lets her 'miss you' somewhat. You are not constantly there and available to get poked and prodded by her at any time. The above post is probably closest to what you are dealing with. I see some posters here trying to rationalize your wife's behaviour and taking a "this is how women women differ from men" approach. But normal women do not behave this way and there is nothing rational about the way she treats you. Your wife may not be full fledged personality disordered but I bet she has strong characteristics of a disorder and if that's the case there really isn't much you're going to be able to do to change her or improve your marriage. Be assertive, be understanding, go to couples counseling, makes no difference because you are not causing her behaviour and you can't fix it. As the poster above says, if you're going to stay then you pretty much have to focus on maintaining your own mental and emotional health. Dont take what she says personally. Keep doing the things that make you happy and dont let yourself become isolated from friends or family. Or consider accepting that you made a big error in choosing a partner and get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 I don't recal. Have you checked your phone bill or looked to see if another man is in the mix? May not be the case but I'd rule it out. At this time you are your worst enemy here. You keep taking a beating for what? It's not helathy or normal. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 I do pay for everything. I am happy to. She does work but she, yet again, has quit her job. Then when I asked her "do you want me to support you again darling? I just want to know because I don't want to take away your independence or anything" (words to that effect), she snaps at me. "What kind of stupid question is that?" and yells. One thing I have noticed that seems to be universal among women is they're turned on by strength in men. And a lot of times if they sense weakness in their partner they get uncomfortable and start challenging. That has to be one of the weakest lines I've ever heard uttered by any man before. =/ My only suggestion if you really want to stay together with this woman for whatever reason is to get way more authoritative with her. And not just act authoritative, be it. If she hurls every nasty form of abuse at you for an hour straight it shouldn't effect you in the least. Let alone cost you business. If you guys need to go and do something and she's just laying in bed then tell her to get her ass up and mean it, follow through. Get back to being the man and lose the whole cowed attitude. If you can't buck up and re-establish her respect for you it's a real lost cause. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 One thing I have noticed that seems to be universal among women is they're turned on by strength in men. And a lot of times if they sense weakness in their partner they get uncomfortable and start challenging. That has to be one of the weakest lines I've ever heard uttered by any man before. =/ My only suggestion if you really want to stay together with this woman for whatever reason is to get way more authoritative with her. And not just act authoritative, be it. If she hurls every nasty form of abuse at you for an hour straight it shouldn't effect you in the least. Let alone cost you business. If you guys need to go and do something and she's just laying in bed then tell her to get her ass up and mean it, follow through. Get back to being the man and lose the whole cowed attitude. If you can't buck up and re-establish her respect for you it's a real lost cause. He's tried the more authoritative route, it doesn't work, she just fights back harder and more aggressively. I know the "establish male dominance" is often the "go to" response from usually men, but It may work with some women, but to others it will make things 10x worse. Many women in this situation already feel their husband is an uncaring, insensitive brute who doesn't understand her at all, so him laying down the law and ordering her about will go down like a lead balloon. It may shut some women up and cow them into submission but that will not solve the issue, it may just lead to more unhappiness, resentment, contempt and even hate on her part. But I agree " when I asked her "do you want me to support you again darling? I just want to know because I don't want to take away your independence or anything" is a terrible thing to say Passive aggressive, sarcastic and patronising, no wonder her response was to snap back. Link to post Share on other sites
Mumbles Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I write her notes/love type letters each day (pretty much) for the past week... but I get nothing back except "thanks". Your mrs and mine are different, no doubt, but the above will categorically not work for me. It would be seen as weakness and exploited mercilessly! By nature I am actually quite a soft man, but I can't show this around my mrs. What she needs is a strong self directed man in her life who will simply brush off her rants. The times when my mrs is the most loving and devoted to me is when I am on my own track in life, pushing forward in an obvious upwards direction and when she, and others, are obviously taking a second place in my life. When I stumble and put her on a 'pedestal' to be worshiped she responds badly and I don't get what I need from her. Despite how all that reads, when I give her what she needs, she responds in kind and gives me what I need. I actually want a devoted and loving wife, and so long as I'm strong and not bowing before her, she gets what she needs, a powerful thoughtful man providing direction to the coupling. There might be a significant amount of personal insecurity hidden in there, she's not comfortable leading the way and doesn't ultimately want to do it - so the response is usually quite ugly as she feels increasingly more and more uncomfortable. I don't know if there is anything in there for the OP - I hope at the least there is something thought provoking. Link to post Share on other sites
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