Thought I would get a feeling of satisfaction when/if he came crawling back

[Chloe65]

Hi, I am new to the forum although have been reading the last few weeks after a recent heartbreak. About a month ago I found out my long term boyfriend was seeing someone else he had met a month prior. We had honestly been having issues of not getting to spend time together and a friend of his introduced him to another woman. Long story short, I begin to realize his contact is getting less and less and finally just asked him, are we still even dating? His reply was no and he was sorry, he loved me but he had to move on. So I said I suspect there is someone else and he confirmed it. This was all via text. So of course, I have to go on Facebook and tag him in a post asking if his new girlfriend knew he hadn't broken up with me. Then of course I broke every no contact rule known to man and texted him that he wasn't the same person and how could he do this to me after all these years the usual story. His answer was he was sorry, he was heart broken too and he hoped one day we could be friends again. I did reach out to the woman he cheated with me on on Facebook and she said she didn't know he was dating anyone till she saw my post. He had told her we had broken up 8 months ago. She suspected he was lying but then stayed with him. Boo hoo for her I guess. But it was all very civil between us. Finally a week ago on thursday he brings back some stuff of mine leaves it on the doorstep and texts me it is there. Which sets me on another round of you suck, you aren't half the man you were when we started dating..again, the usual. Then I just let it go. No contact nothing. Then today he texts me out of the blue. I am so sorry I hurt you and I want to be the man I was. Can I come over? After I untied my guts from the knots they were in I said no, I can't handle that. What do you want anyway although I had a good idea. Sure enough, he's sorry, he wants to come back, he will never be tempted again. I told him I can't ever trust him again so although I am not looking to hurt him..no. But he keeps texting me. Begging me to give him another chance. Honestly a month ago i would have thought I would get complete satisfaction over this and him getting his. But all I can think is you won't admit she dumped you and you want someone in your life. Has anyone had anything similar where you thought you wanted something,,had dreams about him coming to his senses and professing he is picking you over her and then when it happens it is actually not what you want? I am not even taking pleasure in him being miserable at this point. I actually feel like I have been freed from the anxiety this has all produced for me.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi, I am new to the forum although have been reading the last few weeks after a recent heartbreak. About a month ago I found out my long term boyfriend was seeing someone else he had met a month prior. We had honestly been having issues of not getting to spend time together and a friend of his introduced him to another woman. Long story short, I begin to realize his contact is getting less and less and finally just asked him, are we still even dating? His reply was no and he was sorry, he loved me but he had to move on. So I said I suspect there is someone else and he confirmed it. This was all via text. So of course, I have to go on Facebook and tag him in a post asking if his new girlfriend knew he hadn't broken up with me. Then of course I broke every no contact rule known to man and texted him that he wasn't the same person and how could he do this to me after all these years the usual story. His answer was he was sorry, he was heart broken too and he hoped one day we could be friends again. I did reach out to the woman he cheated with me on on Facebook and she said she didn't know he was dating anyone till she saw my post. He had told her we had broken up 8 months ago. She suspected he was lying but then stayed with him. Boo hoo for her I guess. But it was all very civil between us. Finally a week ago on thursday he brings back some stuff of mine leaves it on the doorstep and texts me it is there. Which sets me on another round of you suck, you aren't half the man you were when we started dating..again, the usual. Then I just let it go. No contact nothing. Then today he texts me out of the blue. I am so sorry I hurt you and I want to be the man I was. Can I come over? After I untied my guts from the knots they were in I said no, I can't handle that. What do you want anyway although I had a good idea. Sure enough, he's sorry, he wants to come back, he will never be tempted again. I told him I can't ever trust him again so although I am not looking to hurt him..no. But he keeps texting me. Begging me to give him another chance. Honestly a month ago i would have thought I would get complete satisfaction over this and him getting his. But all I can think is you won't admit she dumped you and you want someone in your life. Has anyone had anything similar where you thought you wanted something,,had dreams about him coming to his senses and professing he is picking you over her and then when it happens it is actually not what you want? I am not even taking pleasure in him being miserable at this point. I actually feel like I have been freed from the anxiety this has all produced for me.

 

Paragraphs are your friend my dear.

 

Luckily you are not married so this is probably simple advice to give. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He wanted to move on, it didn't work out, now he is back. Nope.

 

If you were married with kids, you might choose to work it out. But you are single! You can move on.

 

The reason you are not feeling the happiness you thought you would is because time healed you without you being aware. You just don't care like you once did.

[Marc878]

Many just want them back. Think long term. What would you be getting back?

[ExpatInItaly]

Your feelings make sense.

 

You wanted back who you thought he was, but that's not who he is. So when he came back, you recognized you would not be gaining anything. You probably also know on some level that his new girlfriend likely told him to hit the road, so he's not asking for you back for the right reasons but rather because he's found himself single again.

 

I hope more cheaters read this thread, to understand why their betrayed exes see them in a completely different (and unflattering) light after the infidelity - and subsequently don't want anything to do with them anymore.

[merrmeade]

Your feelings make sense.

 

You wanted back who you thought he was, but that's not who he is.

And he probably never was that person. I think part of “falling in love” (limerence) is idealizing, romanticizing the Other. We tend to fill in gaps, ignore outright deficiencies and project values and sympathies we want to see. You will never do it again.

 

Discovering you’ve been betrayed, lied to and manipulated destroys innocence and trust. It changes you overnight from inattentive to hypervigilant, naive to cynical, ignorant to wise. You know what’s real and what’s not now. I don’t think you’ll be fooled again.

 

You can trust again but not blindly as before.

[Chloe65]

Yes, I think once he came back begging for a second chance I instead of being elated got sick to my stomach. I thought back to me having to text him because he wasn't adult enough to end the relationship.

 

I thought of his comment to me via text that he won't deny anything but he should have handled it better and please done delete him from Facebook. Yeah, you read that right.

 

All of this is going through my brain while also doing snooping on Facebook because now my curiosity is peaked. He only stopped being friends on Facebook with her as of Sept 30th. The same day his profile picture changes from being him and her to something else. So let me get this straight. You change your profile pic on the 30th (which she never liked or commented on by the way) and then on October 6th reached out to me. I have to admit that I am dying of curiosity to know what happened but short of reaching out to her know I will never know cause let's face it. I know he is capable of lying. He tells me he realized he didn't love her and that I was his best friend and we belong together.

 

So at the end of the day I know this means I may never be in another relationship since I am older (47) with a chronic illness (crohns). But, I can handle that better than being second choice and constantly wondering if I am being lied to. I finally just told him the door is closed, we aren't getting back together. I was then told then know I was the most proescious part of his life. Well gee, too bad you didn't come to that conclusion before beginning a relationship with her.

[ladydesigner]

Not married and no kids together? You dodged a bullet! This would have been your future had you married him. I would ask him not to contact you anymore and that you have moved on and he should too then block and keep running far from him.

[Mardelis]

If I was in your shoes I'd feel an immense sense of satisfaction watching him beg and grovel after cheating on you, leaving you for another woman and then trying to crawl back in after getting dumped.

[40somethingGuy]

Yes, I think once he came back begging for a second chance I instead of being elated got sick to my stomach. I thought back to me having to text him because he wasn't adult enough to end the relationship.

 

I thought of his comment to me via text that he won't deny anything but he should have handled it better and please done delete him from Facebook. Yeah, you read that right.

 

All of this is going through my brain while also doing snooping on Facebook because now my curiosity is peaked. He only stopped being friends on Facebook with her as of Sept 30th. The same day his profile picture changes from being him and her to something else. So let me get this straight. You change your profile pic on the 30th (which she never liked or commented on by the way) and then on October 6th reached out to me. I have to admit that I am dying of curiosity to know what happened but short of reaching out to her know I will never know cause let's face it. I know he is capable of lying. He tells me he realized he didn't love her and that I was his best friend and we belong together.

 

So at the end of the day I know this means I may never be in another relationship since I am older (47) with a chronic illness (crohns). But, I can handle that better than being second choice and constantly wondering if I am being lied to. I finally just told him the door is closed, we aren't getting back together. I was then told then know I was the most proescious part of his life. Well gee, too bad you didn't come to that conclusion before beginning a relationship with her.

 

 

 

It is possible he got some 'don't know what you got til its gone' feeling. Sometimes stepping away to see what life is like on the other side is necessary to appreciate you.

[Bufo]

Of course he is back or at least giving it the old college try. It is always easier for the AP to try to recover the former lover than to find, groom, and seduce a new lover.

 

Note my earlier post: no new contact means no new hurts. I was t lying when I posted that.

[merrmeade]

Yes, I think once he came back begging for a second chance I instead of being elated got sick to my stomach. I thought back to me having to text him because he wasn't adult enough to end the relationship.

 

I thought of his comment to me via text that he won't deny anything but he should have handled it better and please done delete him from Facebook. Yeah, you read that right.

 

All of this is going through my brain while also doing snooping on Facebook because now my curiosity is peaked. He only stopped being friends on Facebook with her as of Sept 30th. The same day his profile picture changes from being him and her to something else. So let me get this straight. You change your profile pic on the 30th (which she never liked or commented on by the way) and then on October 6th reached out to me. I have to admit that I am dying of curiosity to know what happened but short of reaching out to her know I will never know cause let's face it. I know he is capable of lying. He tells me he realized he didn't love her and that I was his best friend and we belong together.

 

So at the end of the day I know this means I may never be in another relationship since I am older (47) with a chronic illness (crohns). But, I can handle that better than being second choice and constantly wondering if I am being lied to. I finally just told him the door is closed, we aren't getting back together. I was then told then know I was the most proescious part of his life. Well gee, too bad you didn't come to that conclusion before beginning a relationship with her.

Man, Chloe! Gotta hand it to you for record wising up wising up speed. At this point after my discovery I was still wandering around in denial and shock, so far from a realistic appraisal of his capacity for duplicity that it would take another couple of years to see the last 30 correctly.

 

No, you’re amazing and got with the program ahead of most people in that position. You’re a survivor and he deserves much worse than your fair and clear rejection of his clumsy attempts at dissembling—even disrespect for how dumb they were. You hold fast, girl, though I know it still hurts like hell. We all know.

[snowcones]

Maybe it's the lack of paragraphs but I am unclear on a couple of things. 1. You said you two had broken up, you said he had "moved on" so how was he cheating on you if you were broken up? 2. How are you so sure that the other woman rejected him?

[misspalmy]

Best thing you can do is run. Run fast as you can. Dont put up with him. so many better guys out there for you who dont cheat xx