Epythamus Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 Here I am back with another complaint about myself. Here's the deal, I grew up to be that kid who always gets bullied and taken for granted and I would play video games for hours and stay at home for DAYS as a way of coping with it. At that time, I thought I was doing myself good because, you know, if I avoid social interactions, I'll avoid being bullied. The thing is, I was only enveloping myself in a caccoon that'll keep me inside it for the many years to come. Fast forward to now. I'm 24 years old and I barely know how to make friends, flirt, and get into relationships. It's honestly crushing that I'm socially handicapped because people think I'm some sort of a weirdo which repels them away. Even if I manage to make friends, they get tired of me and/or take me for granted. How do I fix this? How do I break free from this caccoon? Or am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 No, but it's going to take a lot of motivation to get you out of your rut. The first thing to do is to find an interest that you really like, then find a local meetup or club that does these things. That way, you can make friends with whom you already share an interest. You can't jump into dates straight from no social skills because, it is too much of a big jump. However, you can build up to it. Once you are comfortable with the club, you will need to start socializing with women purely for the sake of socializing with women, without expecting that they will agree to a date with you. At some point, you will see yourself getting fluid and skilled enough that you will be able to ask for dates - or others will be asking you out - and then you can think about dating. Before you get to that point, you have got to start making regular good old new friends, with those people who you have never met before. Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 How do I fix this? How do I break free from this caccoon? Or am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? Wow Epythamus, it's like you are describing myself at that age...the bullying, the gaming, the isolation. The difference was I was happy as I was doing this to myself (introvert here!). Fast forward 17 years, much has changed, and of that change, much has been within the last year, especially the last five months. You can totally change for the better, if properly motivated. The first step is to realize that there will be no change without motivation. You have to get to the point where you are driven, compelled to take action. The second step is to determine what you're looking for, friends, a relationship, or both. There is a ton of standard advice for both. The lowest barrier for entry for finding friends is using Meetup.com, but if you're in college, there will be better options (clubs and such). Whatever group you join, keep going to it repeatedly. That's how you build friendships. For a relationship, the lowest barrier for entry is probably Bumble. While using Bumble, be realistic, keep an open mind and you will find constant surprises. I prefer Bumble because all you see is women interested in you. That sure helps with confidence and motivation. If you want more detail, let me know. The third step is to embrace the challenge and take action. Put everything you have into this. If something isn't working, try harder and try something different too. Keep coming to this forum for guidance. Take chances. When something doesn't work, identify what you've learned. Repeat. Once you see small results, there will be a snowball effect. You'll feel better, more confident, which will lead to more results! To try to provide guidance as to motivation, I'll share what has worked for me. It boils down to identifying what has been working, as well as seeing what hasn't worked as valuable information. Think of all of the people who have been a part of your life. Think of the problems you have gotten through, probably with the help of other people (or more, if you are a person of faith). Think of what hasn't worked, and the knowledge you have gained (yes, even the garbage you've had to deal with has value, and is good once you get past it). These are all good things, and especially the people who are in your life. Everyone has people in their life, and most people are genuinely great...you just have to see that they are there. Speaking of which, there are some great people in this very community! You probably have some friends through the games you play too. I've found that positive, upbeat music can have a great impact on mood and motivation as well. Tonight I found "Leon Lour - Hold On Me". I'm not sure what all of the lyrics are, but I feel pumped! If you want to know more about anything, just let me know. I've totally been in your shoes. This community has been a godsend for support and guidance... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 You need to find work you are interested in or an active interest to immerse in. I'm one of those people who hate walking into a room of people, like a meeting or party, unless I have a reason to be there. My profession required me to do this, though, and I won't say I was always comfortable, but I did have a reason to be there and I learned to fake it. You just have to act like how you wish you were, and eventually, because people will react more positively to you, you will become more comfortable being like who you wish you were until become that. You have to not stay in your comfort zone. Bullying largely goes away as you become an adult. Or at least you have options for dealing with it (reporting it to HR, calling the police) that you didn't have in school. So with that realization, you should relax some around people. There will always be people who aren't maybe interested in you, but that's true for absolutely everyone. You just have to not care and assume you have nothing in common with them and no reason to bond. Just accept it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Fearless Motivation Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 When I was kid I was bullied too. Quite a lot. Guess why do I do fighting sports today? And pretty much most, if not all other fighters as well? It simply works. Also in influences your hormones... greatly... changing your behavior. It makes you confident even without your conscious effort. Sometimes even a bit too much. Just sayin. Ok, and now hup hup to my thread! Nobody replies me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 How do I fix this? How do I break free from this caccoon? Or am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? Gotta force yourself out there. Find an interest that can translate to a social setting. That could be running, sports (my city has a social sports club for silly stuff like kickball), music, heck even iso-nerd stuff like MTG. Link to post Share on other sites
GinON Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 I was like this myself but ended up getting a teaching job at a college and that forced me to deal with my shyness. It took a couple of semesters. You might consider joining a club or two, go to work out classes that are for people that are nothing like you and just brace yourself to feel weird a lot. Force yourself to do things like this till its not as bad and keep going. Embrace your awkwardness and love yourself. Remember that you are the only person that controls your self worth, never give that power away. Join toast masters, a rotary club, that kind of thing. Make your goal for the next 2 years to end this problem and take control of your public persona. I'm in my 40's and wish I had had the option to write your question down where a bunch of people could see it at your age. I should have done it in my 30s. Commit to not spending the next 20 years like you are even if you have to get an extra job to pay for a coach, if you want it to happen, make it happen. Easier said that done. Link to post Share on other sites
arcquapetrarca Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 The problem is that you are trying to become someone you need not be... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 If you can afford it, take a class like Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends & Influence People. It teaches basic social skills, including how to remember people's names. It's more focused on business & sales but the skills are the same on a social level. If you can't afford expensive stuff like the above try joining a local ToastMasters group. The group is really about effective public speaking -- can you think of anything more scary? but it can help with learned social anxiety like yours. Another option is to volunteer doing something you care about. If you are part of a group & have a defined purpose within the group it's easier to feel calm & confident when participating. Link to post Share on other sites
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