Lotsgoingon Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 So then back to my original question, has anybody been able to transform their SO into a lifelong learner type, who didn't previously do this? OK, Garcon ... time to drop some harsh truth on you. The idea that we can transform someone is a fantasy. On a scale of 0 to 10 ... with 10 being tomorrow, I'm going to wake up with $1 billion in the bank, the idea of transforming others is about an 8. I've thought about this a lot in relationships and recently I have had an interest experiencing in mentoring young people in my job. And one thing I've learned ... I can only successfully mentor someone who wants to be successfully mentored. But it's bigger than that ... the young guy I most intensely mentor these days ... we started in an official program ... he interviewed three possible mentors before choosing me. He already--before we started our relationship--figured out that he and I had a lot of in common and that he would enjoy hearing my particular brand of wisdom and experience. Now here's the kicker ... the other mentor-mentee relationships at my job--not one survived or moved by just a few coffee house meetings. And of course, none of the other mentees, was as thoroughly as the guy I mentor--who seriously ... interviewed three people ... interviewed ME for the job of his mentor. Analogy. Imagine two friends meet and discover they have both had deep interests in cars and car restoration ... They get to talking and they talk each other's heads off ... Some of the most miserable marriages I've known ... occurred when one highly intellectual partner thought he would transform their spouse into having similar intellectual interests. Doesn't happen that way. BTW: this applies to generating any other type of interest in a partner. Try going into a relationship to make your partner more religious? ... or less religious? ... or an exercise fanatic? ... Try to persuade someone they grew up in a dysfunctional family and need to keep distance? ... doesn't work. That's why dating and even friending is all about screening and gravitating towards people who already show a similarity in interest, personality, etc. It's one of the golden rules of this board. Judge a dating partner based on who they are right now--don't add in one bit of fantasized change. You can usually find out if someone is your conversationally and intellectually compatible in one date or two dates or a few conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 You can usually find out if someone is your conversationally and intellectually compatible in one date or two dates or a few conversations. yea sometimes it takes a bit longer but you are essentially correct Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 I doubt it. Silk purse and sow's ear, comes to mind. People can be lifelong learner types in lowly occupations, but that spark is still there. Someone who is happily whiling their life away, is not going to suddenly turn into Miss Intellectual. It is rarely a good idea to plump for someone and think you can then turn them into something else, something else perhaps more suited to what you really want. Agree 100% with you. If the person isn't like that normally you aren't going to suddenly make them into that person. I think the OP needs to decide how vitally important this aspect is because unlike some here I believe finding these people is not easy because they have a high market value thus the level of competition is much higher. What is sad this is how many people do try and fundamentally change themselves for the sake of a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 It takes a special intellectual to be passionate about discussing cardiology. That is quite specific. You need to find someone who is naturally curious but preferably in medical science, from the sound of it. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Someone pointed this out to me recently - they said I was sapiosexual. It means that intellect is your biggest turn-on. I think I discovered this when I started studying about Robert Oppenheimer and his life. I was completely fascinated with him because he was so crazy-smart. Then that interest turned to other things related to Physics. You might be the same way. As far as your partner is concerned, what you see is what you get. Trying to pursue someone strictly for high intelligence with great looks can be tricky. But if that’s what you really want, then you should consider doing that. However, if you’re married with kids, I wouldn’t recommend it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Someone pointed this out to me recently - they said I was sapiosexual. It means that intellect is your biggest turn-on. I think I discovered this when I started studying about Robert Oppenheimer and his life. I was completely fascinated with him because he was so crazy-smart. I'll see your Oppenheimer and raise you John von Neumann. Though I wouldn't be sexually attracted to him even if he were still alive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 Yes, well good luck with that! It is one of my priorities too but I find it incredibly difficult to meet single men who are able to talk about lots of different subjects. To be frank, I've pretty much given up on that. I don't know how difficult it is to find women who have wide-ranging interests. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Yes, well good luck with that! It is one of my priorities too but I find it incredibly difficult to meet single men who are able to talk about lots of different subjects. To be frank, I've pretty much given up on that. I don't know how difficult it is to find women who have wide-ranging interests. you have to date educated men, there is a huge difference between someone who went to college and someone who didn't Link to post Share on other sites
Rotn'roses Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I recently came across an online article about "sapiosexuals." Although I did not detect that you are identifying yourself as such a person, specifically, I was curious if you have heard of this term or relate yourself to this term at all? More to the point, I believe a good, compassionate, and connected relationship would have the capacity, or be willing to find the capacity, to engage with the other person on any kind of topic broached within its confines. It is most helpful to be curious or, at the very least, responsive to start with, as a trait, I would think. You will never know unless you ask your SO. There is no harm in asking questions, if they are well-intended in order to start a stimulating discussion. Maybe even setting aside a specified time during the day or week for a rousing discussion about anything that is interesting to them or important in their life or the community or the world would be a great way to expand both of your knowledge about one another and to learn something relevant and of interest. Philosophers are the engineers of the human mind and spending time conversating and debating new and innovative topics or events or discoveries is what brought man into humanity. It is good to think and share new or borrowed ideas, it is what shapes or civilizations. Perhaps asking your SO to join you in mankinds greatest past time will spark their interests and get you on the same page. I recently asked a neighbor I met while rooming at an extended stay residence out for coffee at a bookstore because he seemed decent enough and intelligent and I suggested he pick out 2 or 3 books that interested him and I went off and did the same and I gave us 10 minutes to pick our books and meet back at the counter for coffee. There was no romantic innuendo, it was a friendly and considerate way to reach out to another human and get to know someone without the pressure of trying to score a date or assume anything about him. By picking out material that he liked and me picking out material I liked, it was a way to share an interest that is unique to each person and gives you each something to discuss that you are passionate about or good at or know a lot about. Wisdom comes from not only caring about what you want from somebody else, but about caring about other people and their comfort and desires as well, in a conversation, a friendship, a romance, or a neighborly welcome. True insight can be gained when you view all the worlds needs around you and not just your own, I believe. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Yep that's the key . No use looking for eggs in an apple orchard. My sisters all went for very well educated guys, professors and all sorts. Link to post Share on other sites
Rotn'roses Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 It should have read, "...our civilizations." Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted October 15, 2018 Share Posted October 15, 2018 (edited) Although I have advanced degrees and am intellectual, I usually did not care one bit about a woman's educ. level. Sometimes the least educated ones were better for me. In fact, I prefer them because they have less attitude and less spoiled by materialism. And not overly fussy about men who will not take them to the best restaurants. I am not so snobbish to expect women to converse about metaphysics for example or the books I read. Neither should you. You will narrow your field of dating too much. Chemistry is far far more important. Edited October 15, 2018 by LuckyM easy to read Link to post Share on other sites
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