BF pursuing career & dream house without me

[manifestsunshine]

Hi there!

 

 

Would really appreciate any help you can offer- thanks!!

 

I've been with my BF for 4 years. It pains me to say this but looking back I can't remember much. I was a vegan for 8 years and my health rapidly declined during this time and it wasn't until recently two months into a carnivore diet that my memory is coming back, my hormones are rebalancing and my mood is stabilizing.

 

I developed really bad depression from the diet and wasn't able to be fully present for my BF during this time. I had even asked him for space as I was feeling suicidal and literally felt like dying bc candida was coming on strong. I had lost my job bc of pain I developed in my forearms, my dog died, lost all my friends, my health and then my purpose: veganism. Everything was taken away from me in a short period of time.

 

I made everything so centered around myself that I couldn't be there for him emotionally. I asked him why he stayed recently and he mentioned bc I was his best friend...even though I really couldn't offer him much bc I was so focused on getting my health back.

 

Things changed drastically after changing my diet. I had previously had bad brain fog, no sexual appetite, and depression, and no energy...but it all flipped a switch and I feel like a brand new person.

 

During this time I was healing, my bf was looking for work and couldn't find any local jobs so he decided to move out of state. I guess I assumed we would still be together, as we never officially had a talk and he assumed I knew we would no longer be together after he moved away. I recently visited him and this is where we had "the talk.

 

I feel horrible bc I was so busy with myself, we resorted to doing our own "thing." When I was vegan I was really moody and said things to him I really regret...like..."it's ok to be selfish." He took my advice..he moved to another state, got a house and is working 12 hour shifts...6 days a week to pay it off...stating he followed my advice and he actually realized he enjoyed being alone.

 

Now...this really hurt me, as I came over to visit and to my surprise found out his position after we were really intimate the whole time. I felt deceived as he led me on.

 

Come to find out he does still have feelings for me but he said with his schedule and obligations he can't really commit to a relationship. Even after this news, I was still intimate, hoping I could change his mind.

 

As stern as he had been, it felt like we were still really together. I advised to move in with him but he assumed my parents will be angry for stealing me away and also, he has no time bc he's working all the time to pay attention to me.

 

I am really independent so I can keep myself busy. I am looking for a job right now but a part of me wants to find one where he lives...and I even mentioned I may save up to put a down payment on a house in a city he wants to live in...that way he can have his own place still or live in it and he said he could help me and maybe watch over it for me. This would be for residual income.

 

He mentioned I will always be his best friend and he does still love me. We are still intimate but I'm really left hanging with uncertainty. I am hurt because I told him I messed things up badly bc I was not there mentally or emotionally for him during my illness. It feels like a slap in the face bc towards the end of my veganism, I did treat him more as a friend esp with little to no sex. I regret a lot of things esp my diet.

 

I've never cried so hard in my life and that's how much I love him. The thing is..I have enough to help him w/ house payments but he doesn't want my money. He always wanted a home..this is his dream so I am really happy for him but I guess selfishly I wish I could take my words back and wish we thought things out as a couple. He wants to be self-sufficient but this comes with his giving up his identity, free time and social life. He wants that.

 

The reason I thought he would be open to long distance is bc we were planning to move together to another city but the plans fell through when I got really sick and wanted space for myself. He says he will always visit me when he can but he doesn't want to hold me back from meeting someone else.

 

He nonchalantly says if he meet someone he may want kids..but in actually when would he have time to commit to someone else?..I don't get if in the future if he can put aside time for a relationship, why can't he do it now? He does say he wants to work as much as he can to retire early and his schedule could change in a few years.

 

He says a lot of girls hit on him at work and he lets them ask their questions and doesn't tell them he is "taken" upfront but finds enjoyment in them pursuing him...until they find out his age, they don't get to the question if he has a gf.

 

He introduced his roommate to me as his gf. I do trust him enough and he says he doesn't want to date anyone from work bc he takes his job seriously. It doesn't make me feel any better knowing this ...but I am glad he is honest and open with me.

 

Someone hit on him right front of me and that was a huge eye-opener. It hurt..and he mentioned this happens all the time. This stings badly hearing him say this.

 

I'm trying to be mindful of what I say in hopes that he will miss me and we can rebuild a connection...but I asked him if we could still be intimate when he comes to visit and he said "yes."

 

He also wants to travel with me when he has enough money saved up bc I deprived him from doing a lot of things when we were together bc of my selfishness and lack of motivation bc of depression. I apologized to him for this and want to make it up to him. He still calls me "baby" but I hate how he says you'll be fine (alone).

 

Should I even fathom about us potentially being together in the future? Will giving him enough space make him miss me and be enough to change his mind?

 

We text almost every day but I don't want to make it sound like I can't live without him and an dependent on him. I know if I'm too clingy, it will be repulsive.

 

I try to tell him positive things going on with me in hopes he can live vicariously through me and feel a sense of belonging & familiarity about doing things with me. It's such a tease that he would want to remain friends in the future bc I'm really connected on a physical and emotional level to him...like never before. He loves my family as well and he is a friend of my cousin.

 

He sees the change in me as well but I'm hoping it is enough to make him budge. I would really wait on him if it took him time to pay off his mortgage. That is how much I am committed. Thanks for your help!

Edited October 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

I'm sorry you are hurt. Yes it seems that he has put you in the FWB zone with your approval. His words are making it clear that he is moving on and he wants the same for you. But, since you two are familiar it's okay with him to be intimate (sex) until some point where he meets a girl he wants a chance with then the sex will stop and you'll be left in pain. It may hurt like hell but the only smart choice at this point is to tell him you want him back and if he says no then you have to block him and walk away.

[manifestsunshine]

I'm sorry you are hurt. Yes it seems that he has put you in the FWB zone with your approval. His words are making it clear that he is moving on and he wants the same for you. But, since you two are familiar it's okay with him to be intimate (sex) until some point where he meets a girl he wants a chance with then the sex will stop and you'll be left in pain. It may hurt like hell but the only smart choice at this point is to tell him you want him back and if he says no then you have to block him and walk away.

 

Thank you for your wisdom! I really appreciate your time

 

AS far as I can see, you are right. I am scared of this notion playing out in my head that he finds someone else. A part of me thinks that now that he has a mortgage, is away in another state and is hanging out with new friends, he has a lot of potential to bring a girl home. This is my worry, although he mentions he is not up for dating bc he has no time (which in essence is true). I jokingly say, "you would let me know if find someone," to which he responds to "of course." This makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

A part of me is hurt but also a part of me wants to hang in there for any chance of hope. He wants to remain friends in the future, but I feel like he is being selfish for holding on to me and giving me hope...although he claims he doesn't need anybody and can't commit. I don't know what my purpose is anymore and what his intentions are. He is trying to hold onto an idea that benefits him, which in essence is unfair to me. He is only worrying about himself, so what’s in it for me to stay? If he truly loved me..we would make things work between us. I keep hearing you can't be friends with your ex and this is the first time I've ever been broken up with so it's hitting home hard. It's easy for him but not for me at all. I'll have some time to think about what to ask when I see him in person soon but yeah since he just recently told me about doing our own separate things, I don't think his answer will change from the last time, unless I give him more time...maybe months- which may be enough time to see if he misses me or may retract his initial thoughts.

[stillafool]

Unfortunately the only way it would probably work at this point is for you to cut him off completely and go about your healing. If he does miss you and decide he made a mistake and wants you back; he would then come back and tell you this.

 

Right now he has moved on and is perfectly capable of having you as a FWB until someone comes along that he wants to pursue. He doesn't realize how much this is hurting you. You are right that no matter how hard he works he will date. You have to protect your heart or it's going to be really hurt when he tells you he has met someone.

[lana-banana]

I had to read this a few times to be sure I understood. OP, this guy is not your boyfriend and not even your FWB. In his mind, the relationship is not only over but it's been over for quite some time. There is nothing you can do to change his mind or make him reconsider, because you're already a non-factor in his life. (Do you really think he's going to tell you when he brings someone home? Of course not.)

 

Anyone with any desire to be with you would not build a separate, independent life and make no attempt to integrate you into it. This guy has told you he's happier alone and he prefers to be friends right now. It is only possible to be friends with exes when you're genuinely indifferent about them romantically. He is already there with you, and that's not a route you can come back from. He doesn't care about the positive developments in your life. He's doing his own thing as a single man.

[manifestsunshine]

Unfortunately the only way it would probably work at this point is for you to cut him off completely and go about your healing. If he does miss you and decide he made a mistake and wants you back; he would then come back and tell you this.

 

Right now he has moved on and is perfectly capable of having you as a FWB until someone comes along that he wants to pursue. He doesn't realize how much this is hurting you. You are right that no matter how hard he works he will date. You have to protect your heart or it's going to be really hurt when he tells you he has met someone.

 

I really appreciate your empathy and your lowdown of the truth.

 

I've never done no-contact before but I do truly see your point. It's just really hard to fathom implementing it. I know it is a necessary step...but maybe a greater disappointment if it backfires and he lets me go completely.

 

I feel like I must mean something to him if he wants to keep me in his life but at the same time if I'm not worth pursuing and the effort is not there, it feels like I'm wasting my time. I just don't know what purpose I serve anymore. I feel like I'm the fun one in his life who can help him reset and remind him what life has to offer. He does want to travel with me when he gets the chance, so I like that he is finding ways to incorporate me. I feel like I'm a distraction to him from his mundane life. When I see him there is so much love, but when we are away, the texts seem very forceful...like an obligation. No energy or excitement in his texts.

 

A while back when I was really sick and wanted a break, he wouldn't give it to me. Before we dated he said if we ever take a break, things will be over. So when I asked why he didn't allow me one, he confessed bc I was his best friend- he didn't want to lose me. I feel like if we had a break then, things would have been fine, but now that he wants a real break- it's like I'm gushing over this idea that I still want him in my life and he is my best friend...and I don't want things to be broken off. So ironic!

 

I know he would be fine without the sex and would still want to remain in contact with me. I do want to protect myself but yet take one last risk. I'm already really hurt to begin with so I don't see how much more hurt I can get. As of now, I know he doesn't want a gf bc he has no time for a commitment, so that is the only thing that is bringing me some form of comfort. I have a slight feeling of hope that his work schedule will erode upon him and he may eventually have to change his ways. He doesn't have enough time to think about me or really miss me so that's the main problem. If he did have more time on his hands, he probably would really miss me.

Edited October 8, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[lana-banana]

I'm already really hurt to begin with so I don't see how much more hurt I can get.

 

A warning: it's a lot. Many of us have been there and done that, myself included, and the moment when you discover he isn't too busy or stressed or depressed for someone else is a gut-ripping type of devastation I wouldn't wish on anyone. It could take weeks or it could take months, but it happens, and it's a whole new world of pain. This is why it's so important to go NC. The sooner you begin to live your life without them, the sooner you realize you can make it on your own, and that whatever they do with their own life doesn't have to hurt yours. Of course it still wounds when the news finally.comes, but NC substantially lessens the blow.

 

Best of luck to you in finding your own way forward. It's there, even if you can't see it yet.

[manifestsunshine]

A warning: it's a lot. Many of us have been there and done that, myself included, and the moment when you discover he isn't too busy or stressed or depressed for someone else is a gut-ripping type of devastation I wouldn't wish on anyone. It could take weeks or it could take months, but it happens, and it's a whole new world of pain. This is why it's so important to go NC. The sooner you begin to live your life without them, the sooner you realize you can make it on your own, and that whatever they do with their own life doesn't have to hurt yours. Of course it still wounds when the news finally.comes, but NC substantially lessens the blow.

 

Best of luck to you in finding your own way forward. It's there, even if you can't see it yet.

 

Thank you for your honesty and sharing your experience! I really appreciate your time and your other post as well. You are right though- there is no effort and commitment, if he really wanted to be with me, he would make things work.

 

I guess a part of me wants to think we can mend things in time because he will make an effort to see me when he can. I guess its in hopes to reignite a spark. I do understand the reality you're mentioning as well and I guess I'm still in denial about this all really not going the way I want it due to my fragile heart at stake. I'll have to talk to him to see where he stands and go from there. Thank you!

[lana-banana]

You are still in a state of profound denial, such that I'm not sure if anyone here can reach you. But we can try. Let's take a look at what you said, and instead of thinking about yourself you should imagine a girlfriend telling you this about a guy.

 

I recently visited him and this is where we had "the talk...he followed my advice and he actually realized he enjoyed being alone...Come to find out he does still have feelings for me but he said with his schedule and obligations he can't really commit to a relationship...He wants to be self-sufficient but this comes with his giving up his identity, free time and social life. He wants that.

 

This was a breakup. Let's not mince words. Feelings, best friends, blah blah blah; at the end of the day, he broke up with you. You don't have a relationship left to salvage.

 

Even after this news, I was still intimate, hoping I could change his mind.

 

I don't like to generalize by sex, but men don't work this way. Sex doesn't change men's minds or make them reconsider you as relationship material. If anything, it makes you look like you have very little self-respect. He told you he didn't want to date you anymore and you still had sex with him, which in his mind means a} you are desperate and clingy or b) you are fine with being FWB. Either way it means he doesn't have to date you.

 

He says he will always visit me when he can but he doesn't want to hold me back from meeting someone else.

 

Again, no one who wanted to be in a committed relationship with you would talk like this. He wants you to meet other guys and he won't be sad when you stop having sex. In his mind you're FWB, period.

 

He nonchalantly says if he meet someone he may want kids.

 

This should have been all you needed to start the grieving process for real. He is saying IF he meets someone he may want a relationship, but that someone cannot be you.

 

I am glad he is honest and open with me.

 

I'm not sure why you believe he's being honest and open with you. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel better about the breakup.

 

He says a lot of girls hit on him at work and he lets them ask their questions and doesn't tell them he is "taken" upfront but finds enjoyment in them pursuing him...Someone hit on him right front of me and that was a huge eye-opener. It hurt..and he mentioned this happens all the time. This stings badly hearing him say this.

 

He is trying to ease you into the idea of other people taking an interest in him.

 

I asked him if we could still be intimate when he comes to visit and he said "yes."

 

You offered him free sex with no work or commitment on his end! Of course he didn't turn it down.

 

He still calls me "baby" but I hate how he says you'll be fine (alone).

 

He's TELLING you that you have to go on without him. Someone who wants to be with you doesn't say this. Seriously, what would you say to a girlfriend who told you this about a guy? You'd tell her to go for a spa weekend and treat herself kindly because she deserves to be feeling great when Mr. Right eventually comes along.

 

This guy broke up with you, demoted you to a FWB, and is encouraging you to move on. Of course he is happy to see you when you're around; he gets sex out of it. But otherwise there is no relationship left to salvage. If you really think you have a fragile heart now, you have a long way to go. What happens when he stops replying to your texts and turns down sex sometime because he's "busy"? Can your heart be ready for that?

[Els]

I'm so sorry, OP. Unfortunately, this one is over, and you need to cut the cord. But, there will be others.

 

 

Keep on working on the healing process. Wishing you all the best...

[carhill]

Welcome to LS, looks like you've received some excellent relationship advice and best wishes in your recovery of health. No doubt your new self will attract plenty of eligible bachelors and this past relationship, while a great learning experience, will become part of your life journey. Once you accept it's the past and sever the emotional attachment, a new man can begin to occupy space in your heart. Lots of life left to live.

[elaine567]

"Intimate" does not equate to mean gf, feelings and love to many guys not in a proper relationship, it means sex full stop.

Few men are going to turn down free sex from an ex.

 

...he doesn't want to hold me back from meeting someone else.

He nonchalantly says if he meet someone he may want kids..

Most guys involved with someone emotionally are not advising them to go out and meet someone else, most guys are jealous and possessive of the woman they love, the last thing they want is for her to meet some other man...

 

Time to drench the camp fire, harness the horses to the wagon and move on to pastures new. .

[Whodatdog]

He is telling you exactly what he wants and how he feels, but you dont want to listen. You think offering sex will keep him around. All it will do is keep you on the hook until he finds another girl that he is interested in..and believe me, he will find someone, if he hasnt already. You are hanging on to a relationship that is done. Do yourself a favor and go NC on this one. If you dont, you will find out when he meets someone new, and that wont be a good feeling.

[manifestsunshine]

You are still in a state of profound denial, such that I'm not sure if anyone here can reach you. But we can try. Let's take a look at what you said, and instead of thinking about yourself you should imagine a girlfriend telling you this about a guy.

 

 

 

This was a breakup. Let's not mince words. Feelings, best friends, blah blah blah; at the end of the day, he broke up with you. You don't have a relationship left to salvage.

 

 

 

I don't like to generalize by sex, but men don't work this way. Sex doesn't change men's minds or make them reconsider you as relationship material. If anything, it makes you look like you have very little self-respect. He told you he didn't want to date you anymore and you still had sex with him, which in his mind means a} you are desperate and clingy or b) you are fine with being FWB. Either way it means he doesn't have to date you.

 

 

 

Again, no one who wanted to be in a committed relationship with you would talk like this. He wants you to meet other guys and he won't be sad when you stop having sex. In his mind you're FWB, period.

 

 

 

This should have been all you needed to start the grieving process for real. He is saying IF he meets someone he may want a relationship, but that someone cannot be you.

 

 

 

I'm not sure why you believe he's being honest and open with you. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel better about the breakup.

 

 

 

He is trying to ease you into the idea of other people taking an interest in him.

 

 

 

You offered him free sex with no work or commitment on his end! Of course he didn't turn it down.

 

 

 

He's TELLING you that you have to go on without him. Someone who wants to be with you doesn't say this. Seriously, what would you say to a girlfriend who told you this about a guy? You'd tell her to go for a spa weekend and treat herself kindly because she deserves to be feeling great when Mr. Right eventually comes along.

 

This guy broke up with you, demoted you to a FWB, and is encouraging you to move on. Of course he is happy to see you when you're around; he gets sex out of it. But otherwise there is no relationship left to salvage. If you really think you have a fragile heart now, you have a long way to go. What happens when he stops replying to your texts and turns down sex sometime because he's "busy"? Can your heart be ready for that?

 

Have read this a couple of times and it has really sunk in. You are very right. My mind hasn't felt so clear because I'm leading with my emotions and not logic. Thank you for the breakdown!

 

Just because I'm in pain right now, doesn't mean he was the right person for me. I need to make a list of bad things about us to come back to occasionally as a reminder when I feel alone. I feel also at this point he's just trying to flash to me and my family that he can keep up with us (economically) and to win our approval. It really feels like this.

 

Also I feel my love for him is disguised as infatuation. He is exercising...ironically, he never did when we were together, but I guess I'm infatuated with his looks. His voice got deeper as well. He was like a 5 and now he is like a 9. He is kind, trustworthy and enjoyable to talk to but he does sound like more of a mentor by the way he talks to me, which a lot of ppl find appalling, but he can sound like a looped tape-recorder. The funny thing is all the girls who hit on him are in their early 20's or younger- that's how youthful he looks. They get appalled that he is so old though and stop pursuing. He also talks like he is an old soul, like in his 50's. AS much as I'm humoring the situation, I guess I need to as a panacea.

 

I was also pretty harsh to him in our relationship...He is using words against me that I've used against him, which is why I'm treading lightly to some degree. I have in the past bc I had no sex drive told him (jokingly) he should sleep with other women and I don't want kids. He is now doing the same back to me...so I do realize I was a pretty horrific person to him bc of my hormones. Pretty ****ed up of me to say the least, and I know and take full accountability for this. I'm sure he knew I wasn't a good gf to him, although he tells me I was.??..and I'm sure he fully absorbed this notion and used it as fuel to make his final decision. He does know I am a smart ass and he always has praised how much smarter I am then he is. This is also making me rethink "us," as my previous ex and I were able to banter back and forth, which I could never do with him...something I miss.

 

The sad thing is he only remembers the old me and this new me, he doesn't know. I know it's healthy to be NC bc the more time we spend apart, the more I regain myself and the more clarity surfaces. I am working on not waiting around for his text messages any more and try to occupy my time as best as possible. He is coming back soon so I can speak to him in person.

 

As much as he has hurt me, I have hurt him. His money, smoking issues, and indecisiveness of his future all sound like a huge headache of instability to me...which isn't aligning with my values. I have been really blindsided. Thank you!

Edited October 10, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[manifestsunshine]

I'm so sorry, OP. Unfortunately, this one is over, and you need to cut the cord. But, there will be others.

 

 

Keep on working on the healing process. Wishing you all the best...

 

Thank you! I appreciate your kind words. I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[manifestsunshine]

Welcome to LS, looks like you've received some excellent relationship advice and best wishes in your recovery of health. No doubt your new self will attract plenty of eligible bachelors and this past relationship, while a great learning experience, will become part of your life journey. Once you accept it's the past and sever the emotional attachment, a new man can begin to occupy space in your heart. Lots of life left to live.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement!

I really like the way you think!

It's been a rough ride in all avenues of my life so far so I know things can only get better from here on out. My emotions are blindsiding me for sure and clarity has been resurfacing at a moderate rate. It's my turn to be selfish

[manifestsunshine]

"Intimate" does not equate to mean gf, feelings and love to many guys not in a proper relationship, it means sex full stop.

Few men are going to turn down free sex from an ex.

 

 

Most guys involved with someone emotionally are not advising them to go out and meet someone else, most guys are jealous and possessive of the woman they love, the last thing they want is for her to meet some other man...

 

Time to drench the camp fire, harness the horses to the wagon and move on to pastures new. .

 

Thank you for your input!

You are right!

If he truly cared he would also put in more effort to want to be with me.

 

I love your metaphor!

Come to think about it I think it's more of a infatuation than love now. I think I'm so engrossed in his new image, I am being blind-sided as well. Thank you!!

[manifestsunshine]

He is telling you exactly what he wants and how he feels, but you dont want to listen. You think offering sex will keep him around. All it will do is keep you on the hook until he finds another girl that he is interested in..and believe me, he will find someone, if he hasnt already. You are hanging on to a relationship that is done. Do yourself a favor and go NC on this one. If you dont, you will find out when he meets someone new, and that wont be a good feeling.

 

Thank you for being blunt with me. I def needed this!

 

My emotions are definitely ruling over me and having more time to myself I see things clearly. The anticipation of seeing him and also the preparation is bogging me down. I will still have to communicate with him and hold on longer bc I have his stuff and vice versa, which he won't be able to pick up for several more months since he's out of state. I am seeing him soon in person though, but he doesn't have room in his car this time around. I'm putting on a facade with my family right now though- they have no idea..but I know it's not good timing right now if his stuff is in their house.

[preraph]

Some men simply make a "logical" decision, and I think you deteriorated so far that he simply decided that although he cares about you, you are not who he wants to have a family with. Anyone would have to take into consideration your past (I hope it's behind you for good) mental state in order to decide whether they want you to mother their children. In this case, unfortunately, you have not shown enough stability.

 

He's moved away and has told you many different ways that he does not want you to move in or be in any exclusive relationship with you. He's both hinted and been fairly direct about it and why. He has written you off as his lifetime partner.

 

Honestly, after four years, he probably feels he's given you two a fair chance. Since he's made clear he has other options with women, it sounds to me like he's not really interested in anything except sex with you until he gets himself a new woman. I think you should do what he's doing and date other people.

[manifestsunshine]

Some men simply make a "logical" decision, and I think you deteriorated so far that he simply decided that although he cares about you, you are not who he wants to have a family with. Anyone would have to take into consideration your past (I hope it's behind you for good) mental state in order to decide whether they want you to mother their children. In this case, unfortunately, you have not shown enough stability.

 

He's moved away and has told you many different ways that he does not want you to move in or be in any exclusive relationship with you. He's both hinted and been fairly direct about it and why. He has written you off as his lifetime partner.

 

Honestly, after four years, he probably feels he's given you two a fair chance. Since he's made clear he has other options with women, it sounds to me like he's not really interested in anything except sex with you until he gets himself a new woman. I think you should do what he's doing and date other people.

 

That is fair enough to say. You are spot on. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

 

Really need to talk to him about what he wants from me bc there will be no more sex, so not sure what his expectations will be. He never had freedom before and had lost his childhood so he's going into like hibernation mode buying a TV and entertaining himself with hookah. It's like he is living in college mode.

 

I think he wants to keep me on a hook bc of how much he learns from me. That is what I'm harping on right now. We never really fought or anything, so he has always stressed how our relationship never had any turmoil and there was no animosity towards me. His mindset is all money and work right now. He wants to eventually get another property, so if that's the case he will have no time at all- which he doesn't have to begin with. Even when I was with him, I didn't want to do things with him bc I was worried he would be using his money- and I've told him this. The last time I saw him, every time I offered to pay, he would pay for me and wouldn't let me at all. He even got upset. I grew up always splitting things which only makes the most sense to me. He said I don't have a job and need to save my money but ironically I have more than he has saved up. It does make me feel unworthy though the way he treats me like this. So he has a sense of pride for sure...and me being away is a good thing so he can save up! Because he wouldn't be able to save if he had someone. He's in a lot of debt right now. When I visited him, he comes home, he is tired. He barely has a day to go grocery shopping- I feel bad but this is what he has chosen.

 

I also may add, he's always degraded himself around me and put me on a pedestal mentioning I can do better- from the get-go. He would always mention he cannot keep up with me, stressing how smart I am. I like being challenged and enjoy bantering, which he has mentioned he cannot provide. I feel like in regards to our economic circumstances, he has always felt degraded. He even leaned on me for financial support at one point and accepted we would move out together (with me being the sole contributor) but it fell through. This economic barrier really hindered our relationship. But I never wanted him for money- it was never about that. I told him I never liked it but he continued to compare our economic differences...always. I can see it was a huge insecurity which still lingers.

 

Recently he said things like.."I don't want your money"...in a very condescending way...insinuating if we were together he wouldn't want a part of it. He only thinks about the outcome of my assets in the long run- that I will be self-sustainable when the assets are passed onto me. I wonder if there is an underlying motive to stay in touch with me. It's really hard to read into him, but I know he's not stupid.

 

He also doesn't know if he wants kids. He keeps making up my mind and I do as well. He then says things like he will move out of the country later on. He says he would rather travel then have kids. He is like me...we put everything out there but remain indecisive. We do possess similar qualities, which I guess have bonded us. I know him...everything he says... he does the complete opposite.

 

I'm not hoping for anything between us. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Honestly, would be fine by myself. I know I am a bit too much to handle for anyone but have learned my lesson.

 

I guess just reaching my 30's, my whole world has changed...friends are getting married, having kids, friends are busy...etc...so I just have to change my routine and meet new younger and available people. The social pressures I initially felt have vanished. I guess I felt pressured also to really settle down with someone...but I wasn't targeting him out of convenience...it was bc I do still care about him. Life goes on though. If he really loved me he would do anything in his power to stay with me, but being put on the back-burner, I must reciprocate.

Edited October 11, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[preraph]

Well, the financial thing eroded his self-esteem and so I think him working and concentrating on that will be the work he needs to do to regain his self-worth.

 

I agree no sex. Take a time out and both work on your own selves and then maybe when you both are feeling better you'll see how it goes. If you were unstable but financially sound, I wonder if he started thinking about what if you got so unstable the finances went bad with you too and then what would he do. I do think he lost his self-respect from leaning on you. It's no good for men usually. They think of themselves as worthless. They are historically providers, so it's kind of in their genes, a basic thing. It does sound like work is what he needs to do most right now. It will make him a more confident person who feels better about himself. Let's just hope he doesn't have a catastrophic failure at his job to really make him feel bad. Please encourage his work and if he's being reliable with his job, praise that so he gets feeling better about himself, but don't go overboard, just matter of fact "Sounds like you are really doing well with your job." Because you know most employers aren't thinking about complimenting people that often.

 

I know it's all upside down right now, but from an overview, you had a very bad time and you're doing better and now he's doing something that may make a real difference in how he feels and his overall wellbeing, so not sure if you'll end up together, but at least you're both on the upswing individually.

[manifestsunshine]

Well, the financial thing eroded his self-esteem and so I think him working and concentrating on that will be the work he needs to do to regain his self-worth.

 

I agree no sex. Take a time out and both work on your own selves and then maybe when you both are feeling better you'll see how it goes. If you were unstable but financially sound, I wonder if he started thinking about what if you got so unstable the finances went bad with you too and then what would he do. I do think he lost his self-respect from leaning on you. It's no good for men usually. They think of themselves as worthless. They are historically providers, so it's kind of in their genes, a basic thing. It does sound like work is what he needs to do most right now. It will make him a more confident person who feels better about himself. Let's just hope he doesn't have a catastrophic failure at his job to really make him feel bad. Please encourage his work and if he's being reliable with his job, praise that so he gets feeling better about himself, but don't go overboard, just matter of fact "Sounds like you are really doing well with your job." Because you know most employers aren't thinking about complimenting people that often.

 

I know it's all upside down right now, but from an overview, you had a very bad time and you're doing better and now he's doing something that may make a real difference in how he feels and his overall wellbeing, so not sure if you'll end up together, but at least you're both on the upswing individually.

 

Most definitely agree with you!! He definitely took the initiative to secure his future. On top of that he never had a dad, or father-figure around so he always had to carry a huge weight on his shoulder to provide for his mom and brother, until they became self-sufficient on their own. I do know he deserves to be selfish now. He essentially has earned his freedom now, relieved of their burden.

 

The whole financial aspect of him depending on me I think would have worked out bc we both would have contributed to the house and worked, but yeah I definitely regret not pursuing it with him. The agreement initially was for me to put a downpayment on the house essentially but I did in fact during that time remember feeling weary about itÂ….moreso thinking, what if the relationship doesnÂ’t last in the long-run? But that was my negative projection on things due to my condition. My depression is gone...so drastic it feels like IÂ’ve awaken from a coma. So a lot of things he said I told him and a lot of my actions...I really regret. I wasnÂ’t in the right place of mind at all. The irony is that he did ask for help, but from his godmother, for his downpayment. I guess it still pains me that he neglected to include me in anything but yeah IÂ’m sure he feels better about himself now to some extent, with the compromise of having one day off and barely any time to do anything or hang out with friends. Definitely things are looking up for him and hoping things at work become sustainable. Thanks for the advice on what to say! I try to compliment him when I can, but am getting tired of his unappreciative responses. Have been doing extensive research and even bought a $87 program, but essentially there is a strategy of how to text from building rapport to doing like a story telling text & memory stimulating texts. Also saying.."I love the way you think"..."you inspire me"..."I love watching you"...contingent upon where you're at.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement! I just want to focus on myself now...that is my main concern. I do care about him still but heÂ’s not a priority anymore. Can already see signs of wear and tear on him and just feel he may start to form some regrets of what he said or maybe second-guess his decision to move. Our conversations have been very mundane and I have to carry the weight...so itÂ’s not enticing to talk to him...but in person he is completely different when he has the time of day but I wouldnÂ’t be seeing him that often. IÂ’m being more supportive and encouraging right now, more than I ever have been...so I hope he doesnÂ’t read it wrong. I have definitely changed but know I canÂ’t tell him...just have to show him through actions. I heard that if you have an ex that you emotionally put a strain on...for example, not really talking to themÂ….(which I did when I was depressed)...youÂ’re supposed to engage them as much as possible...without going overboard. I think this was the most interesting thing IÂ’ve read so far on YT: When Is No Contact A Bad Idea: When No contact Rule Doesn't Work And Can Actually Backfire! By Love Advice TV

 

Currently I'm not working but am looking for a job. I think he does have some form of underlying jealousy to the extent that..I am not working right now while he is working his ass of. At one point in time, the scenarios were flipped...but I think it's not helping my case at all right now, until I do find something..to put his mind at ease. He keeps saying I don't have to work or be in a rush to go back...but in reality I tell him I'm not the type of person who leans on to family for financial burdens. It's really uneasy knowing he thinks I could potentially do that. He keeps bringing this up..that I don't need to worry... and I already told him I don't like it. It feels like talking to a brick wall.

 

I lost a ton of friends, my health, my dog, my job, my bf...it feels like I have a form of PTSD. The bf & job elements are hitting the hardest right now but I do think about the other unfortunate aspects cumulatively. It's overwhelming at times but am getting a handle on them.

 

Have sort of given up on hope right now bc he’s lost in his job. He’s not really engaging and a lot of his remarks are very prideful and self-centered...only job-related...so it’s been quite a turn-off actually. The only question he likes to ask is “how is your family?”....not “How are you doing”...or “what have you been up to.” I usually ask questions and submit interesting things to talk to him about or if share some pictures with him of things I saw. Just feel like there’s still no reciprocation but I understand he is busy and tired. It just feels very one-sided right now. I know it would take time to earn his trust and interest again...but not focusing on it. I don’t expect anything. Thank you!

Edited October 13, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[lana-banana]

I try to compliment him when I can, but am getting tired of his unappreciative responses. Have been doing extensive research and even bought a $87 program, but essentially there is a strategy of how to text from building rapport to doing like a story telling text & memory stimulating texts. Also saying.."I love the way you think"..."you inspire me"..."I love watching you"...contingent upon where you're at.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement! I just want to focus on myself now...that is my main concern. I do care about him still but heÂ’s not a priority anymore. Can already see signs of wear and tear on him and just feel he may start to form some regrets of what he said or maybe second-guess his decision to move. Our conversations have been very mundane and I have to carry the weight...so itÂ’s not enticing to talk to him...but in person he is completely different when he has the time of day but I wouldnÂ’t be seeing him that often. IÂ’m being more supportive and encouraging right now, more than I ever have been...so I hope he doesnÂ’t read it wrong. I have definitely changed but know I canÂ’t tell him...just have to show him through actions. I heard that if you have an ex that you emotionally put a strain on...for example, not really talking to themÂ….(which I did when I was depressed)...youÂ’re supposed to engage them as much as possible...without going overboard. I think this was the most interesting thing IÂ’ve read so far on YT: When Is No Contact A Bad Idea: When No contact Rule Doesn't Work And Can Actually Backfire! By Love Advice TV

 

Currently I'm not working but am looking for a job. I think he does have some form of underlying jealousy to the extent that..I am not working right now while he is working his ass of. At one point in time, the scenarios were flipped...but I think it's not helping my case at all right now, until I do find something..to put his mind at ease. He keeps saying I don't have to work or be in a rush to go back...but in reality I tell him I'm not the type of person who leans on to family for financial burdens. It's really uneasy knowing he thinks I could potentially do that. He keeps bringing this up..that I don't need to worry... and I already told him I don't like it. It feels like talking to a brick wall. ..

 

Have sort of given up on hope right now bc he’s lost in his job. He’s not really engaging and a lot of his remarks are very prideful and self-centered...only job-related...so it’s been quite a turn-off actually. The only question he likes to ask is “how is your family?”....not “How are you doing”...or “what have you been up to.” I usually ask questions and submit interesting things to talk to him about or if share some pictures with him of things I saw. Just feel like there’s still no reciprocation but I understand he is busy and tired. It just feels very one-sided right now. I know it would take time to earn his trust and interest again...but not focusing on it. I don’t expect anything. Thank you!

 

This man isn't your boyfriend anymore and you aren't in a relationship. You appear to be in denial over this very basic reality and continue to hang on his every word (if he wasn't a priority, you wouldn't be spending $87 in an attempt to get him back). This is dead, over, done. He is being cold on purpose because he doesn't want to talk to you. He is doing everything he can to communicate that it's completely over, and you aren't getting it.

 

What are your plans for your life without him?

[manifestsunshine]

This man isn't your boyfriend anymore and you aren't in a relationship. You appear to be in denial over this very basic reality and continue to hang on his every word (if he wasn't a priority, you wouldn't be spending $87 in an attempt to get him back). This is dead, over, done. He is being cold on purpose because he doesn't want to talk to you. He is doing everything he can to communicate that it's completely over, and you aren't getting it.

 

What are your plans for your life without him?

 

You're ABSOLUTELY right! Tomorrow I am officially breaking all contact with him. My emotions just keep getting the best of me which is why my behavior is so erratic. He won't know what's coming for him but I think insinuating that we "need to talk" will be a helpful hint. I'm so emotional drained and just need to heal now.

 

I will continue to look for a job and stay busy...beach walking, exercise, take up new hobby/volunteer, find things that will make me laugh. Just need to stay busy and distracted. It's already not easy but I know it won't be.

 

Thank you for continuing to bring me back to reality. I appreciate you!