Am I overreacting?

[username121]

My husband and I have been together for over a decade now. He started a new job this year and his hours have been erratic but I have just assumed that was normal. Except yesterday when he lied about his hours, telling me his was working 2 hours earlier than he actually did, Often, I will call him, assuming he was just leaving work and he's admitted that he had finished earlier but had gone to the beach alone. This may be true.

After I caught him in the lie yesterday, I went through his phone. There was nothing on there in the way of shady text messages, phone calls or photos but his instagram account was filled with bikini models, a whole lot of them. This in itself makes me insecure because although I do yoga, I also enjoy potatoes and bread and cheese and I dont have the body of these 20 something girls. We have a child so I am full of stretch marks and loose skin. He often rejects my advances and never initiates intimacy.

 

What would you assume, if your partner did this to you? Am I overreacting? He told me he lied (twice) to me about the work hours for the benefit of his friend. He was there when I called him and called him out on the lie. He said he wanted to come home early from his friend's house and this was the purpose but he didnt need to make excuses, his friend would not care when he left. I would love some advice.

[somanymistakes]

Well, you know he lied to you, and that's a problem in itself.

 

Even if he just likes to get off work early and go hang out alone somewhere without you knowing about it, that's not a sign of a happy, healthy marriage, is it?

 

There are all sorts of things he could be up to in his spare time. He could be pursuing a hobby or a vice that he thinks you'll disapprove of - gambling, smoking, drinking, pursuing a strange religion, anything. He might be having an affair. He might be visiting prostitutes. He might just be checking out women for his fantasies.

 

You don't currently have enough evidence to know exactly what he's up to, but you know that he is hiding something from you, and unless there's a very good reason he needs to keep a secret temporarily, that's a sign that something is wrong in the marriage. If he's seeing you as an enemy and an obstacle, something that he has to work around in order to have fun, there's something wrong with your connection to each other.

 

Whether he's actually cheating or not, the evidence does seem to lean that he's pulling away from you and not considering you very important.

[Mr. Lucky]

He often rejects my advances and never initiates intimacy.

 

If he was truthful about his whereabouts under the circumstances you describe, would things be OK?

 

What conversation have you had with him about the detachment in your marriage? How long have things been this way?

 

You're posting about the weeds on the front lawn when it seems the house is on fire...

 

Mr. Lucky