ex gf, no contact, next steps

[Hrting]

I am still pretty damn heart broken 7 weeks post break up and no contact. And I need some advice on my next steps..

 

We dated for 8 months, while she was finishing her degree. Things were great, we were both head over heels for each other. We spent pretty much every day together and never had arguments, and got along great as we had all the same interests. She graduated and was moving back to her home town across the country. We talked and wanted to stay together to see where it would go.

 

I confessed my love to her a month after she moved home. she was overjoyed with happiness and stated she was in love with me to, I told her I was coming to visit her and we made plans for that.

 

One week later is where it went to ****.. She started to become distant. I asked her what was going on, she at first kept giving me the run around of excuses.. Then i asked her for the truth.. She said she didnt know what she wanted. I told her I would move to her to make things work...

 

She told me she needs time to disconnect from me, as she is confused about what she wants. She said she loved me but doesnt know if she is in love with me.. That moment is where my heart broke.. It seems like she is going through grass is greener syndrome maybe..

 

I told her it was painful to hear and that I was crushed by her decision. I told her goodbye and left it there. It has been 7 weeks since we have spoken. all contact was cut including social media.

 

I am planning a trip across the country at the end of this month and am really having the urge to reach out to her to see if she would like to meet up with me as I pass through her city. I think about her every day and night, and still dont have the desire to date anyone new. I just want the chance to talk face to face..

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know the no contact is supposed to be for me to heal, but I still dont want to let go of this feeling I have for her..

[an0nym0us123]

Normally hearing the word "confused" is nail in the coffin. Did her ex come looking for her or did she meet someone else. She wouldnt tell you if it was.

[SunnyWeather]

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

What good could possibly come out of meeting her? She's made her feelings clear (in a masked way): She's just not that into you. Buck up, enjoy your trip and stop trying to hold on to something that is not there.

[Hrting]

I asked her about rekindling with her ex, she told me she was hurt that I would even ask her that. She said her ex was very abusive, and had zero desire to go back with him..

 

The thing im thinking is she either met someone while in her new city, or had fun going out with friends being single and wanted to live that life for awhile.. I dont know..

 

I guess im hanging on to her having some feeling back towards me, and if we talk in person we can work something out. I know its a long shot but this girl does mean the world to me, and I feel I should try and give it one more shot...

 

Before we split up she was even looking at houses that we could possibly buy together, and seemed very vested. Then it was like over night change after she visited some friends...

[SunnyWeather]

you dated for 8 months. around that time is when one begins to feel whether they see a future together. It sounds like she did not. sorry

[an0nym0us123]

Hmm having read a lot of forums abusive exs seem to be quite popular for going back too! My ex swore there was no one else. Couple of weeks later she was in bed with him.

 

Everyone will tell you not to reach out. I have done it. You probably wont get anywhere but if you get a negative response or no response you will know its time to move on. Helped me in the past. Dont let her play mind games with you though. Probably best to just leave it though. My ex did a 180 in a matter of days. Seems to be the fashion!

 

Problem is if you reach out you will feel like an idiot after getting no where. If she is not blocked and has a means to contact you you might be as well to leave it up to her. Silence communicates to her that you are busy and have better things to do. Its your call

Edited October 8, 2018 by an0nym0us123

[SunnyWeather]

She told me she needs time to disconnect from me, as she is confused about what she wants. She said she loved me but doesnt know if she is in love with me..

 

Keep this front and center to remind yourself of why you should NOT reach out to her again. If she had a change of heart, you would've heard from her by now.

[Hrting]

Yeah, I believe her about not going back to her ex though, it was over 3 years ago they broke up. Im not sure what to believe..

 

There was a stage in our relationship when I was so busy with doing things for myself that I took her for granted and had other priorities over her, that she even was asking one of my best friends why I wouldnt commit fully to her.

 

I only realized that no matter where i was, that nothing was as important as her. I just want to convey that to her in person. and at least have a chance...

 

Have you heard of the grass is greener happening for a bit and her realizing there was not a better opportunity out there?

 

I know that when she said she doesnt know if she was in love with me had to be a situational thing. the way she expressed her emotions towards me just a week before that was in no doubt a person who was in love...

 

I dont know im just extremely depressed about this and would give anything to see her .

[ExpatInItaly]

I have to wonder if she's met or hooked up with someone else in her city, and knew she couldn't have you coming to see her under those circumstances.

 

I don't see the point in meeting up with her when you're in the area. It would be awkward and painful when she gives you that "friendly" hug goodbye and carries on her way.

[Gretchen12]

Your problem is that you can't understand the change. You can see the reality of how it is today - she does not want contact with you. I think you do understand that part. You just cannot believe how a person can have all those feelings for you and then, nothing has happened, and the feeling is gone. People on the forum try to give you possible explanations, but no one knows. There may not be an explanation. People are not all the same. We tend to assume others are like ourselves. But there really are people whose feelings can just change for no reason. If that's what happened, what can you do?

[Cupid's Puppet]

Yeah, I believe her about not going back to her ex though, it was over 3 years ago they broke up. Im not sure what to believe..

 

There was a stage in our relationship when I was so busy with doing things for myself that I took her for granted and had other priorities over her, that she even was asking one of my best friends why I wouldnt commit fully to her.

 

I only realized that no matter where i was, that nothing was as important as her. I just want to convey that to her in person. and at least have a chance...

 

Have you heard of the grass is greener happening for a bit and her realizing there was not a better opportunity out there?

 

I know that when she said she doesnt know if she was in love with me had to be a situational thing. the way she expressed her emotions towards me just a week before that was in no doubt a person who was in love...

 

I dont know im just extremely depressed about this and would give anything to see her .

 

No contact just makes so much sense for the dumpee, but it seems like you are torturing yourself over this. So just ask to meet up with her since you already have the excuse of passing through her city. People are fickle, so you never know how she will respond. She may possibly well give the relationship another go, especially if she isn't having much luck dating. But I don't see it lasting long. I personally would much rather spend my time trying to get over someone who is lukewarm about me.

[ThreeRainbows]

My ex got "confused" too. We are back together, and so far, so good!

 

 

 

 

So here's what you need to do.

 

 

1. Only give as much as you get. If someone is giving less, giving more (i.e. moving closer to them to make it work) won't make them want to give more. Giving the exact same amount allows them to have the freedom to relax into love and potentially give more. But don't play games. If someone is vague about giving you a date, etc., you don't open your schedule for them. That doesn't mean you have to get all vague back (playing a game) - it just means you don't over invest in someone not committed to you.

 

 

2. Work on establishing healthy boundaries (the opposite of co-dependence. Should you really be moving just to live near a girl? Is that logical/wise/healthy for you?). Work on communicating these new boundaries with love and respect. "I love being in a relationship with you, as I think you're just awesome, but I can't see myself moving across the country right now. Maybe in a year if we're still together."

 

 

3. Be true to yourself. Often these subtle boundary issues go along with in-authenticity. If you're willing to give so much just to make it work, you're probably letting the pressure of the potential loss of the relationship cause you to make choices you wouldn't normally make, agree when you normally wouldn't, or even be afraid to say certain things. If she can't see YOU, she can't love you, either. Be OK with vulnerability, and be radically honest. She'll respect you more for it.

 

 

It is my opinion that all of these issues stem from a deep-rooted fear of rejection. The antidote? Go out on some casual dates and get yourself rejected a few times! It will help.. Also, work on building a solid foundation of self-love. Discover your own love for life, without a girl in it. Practice positive self-talk/inner dialogue. If you get hurt, always be on your side! That doesn't mean you need to ignore your flaws, it just means you realize It's their loss. Because you're fricking awesome! And you tried!

 

 

Once you feel strong enough, you can reach out with a simple text to test the waters. A simple "Hey... I saw [some mutual interest] today... reminded me of you. Hope you're well."

 

 

Resources for you:

 

Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg

Youtube Clay Andrews about the 5 stages of a break up, and all of his other stuff!

Read https://exboyfriendinsight.com/what-it-really-takes-to-get-ex-boyfriend-back/

Edited October 9, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[CantTakeMySmile]

If you feel like you can deal with the consequences without going backward with your healing, call her (on the phone) and ask to see her. Don't text. Call her and gauge her reaction. If she doesn't answer, leave a message, asking her to return your call. Then let it go.

[ThreeRainbows]

If you feel like you can deal with the consequences without going backward with your healing, call her (on the phone) and ask to see her. Don't text. Call her and gauge her reaction. If she doesn't answer, leave a message, asking her to return your call. Then let it go.

 

 

I don't recommend only this because calling puts her on the spot. Texting gives her a chance to process and sort out her feelings/thoughts. If you do decide to call, I would do it when you know you'll get her voicemail.

 

 

As an aside..

I don't think getting rejected by her will pull you backwards in your healing either. Suffering [as an adult] leads to wisdom that actually makes you much more resilient in the long run.

[Hrting]

I have def been working on myself since the breakup. I’ve been in the gym non stop and quit drinking for the most part..

 

The thing that’s hard is I’m still in the same city where we met so I have the constant reminders of everything we used to do together ... including passing the apartment she lived in all the time, she has no reminders of me in her new city.

 

I really don’t want to be the one to reach out first, but at the same time I want to show her some of the changes I’ve made personally , I I think if I could get that chance we could rekindle what we had.. maybe she is being single and hooking up, but we arnt together so it’s not my say.

 

Threerainbows , did you reach out first to your ex or did she contact you? The problem was when we were together she did give a little bit more than me, but it wasn’t due to my infidelity, it was me working a lot towards a goal I had, but realizied money is noting if you don’t have the person you love in your life.

 

If I do reach out to her when I pass through her city, I want to keep it light, and just meet as friends, and show her this new person that I am and let her decide if that’s who she wants to persue. But I’m not sure how to go about it?