SexlessintheUS Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 I've been with this amazing man for over a year. We have a long-distance relationship. We see one another every weekend and it works for us -for now. He and I have discussed marriage and our future together, so its pretty serious. Aside from having a great relationship, we have a true connection. We enjoy our time together and he fulfills me romantically: ie, hugs, kisses, cuddles, and positive affirmation. I do the same for him-it just comes naturally. But recently, weve had a bit of a slump in the bedroom. First off, we're both over the age of 40-so I want to throw the age factor out there. Also, many months ago his daughter moved in with him. Thats when the "lack of" began. When we first met, we couldnt get enough of one another and although Im realistic that this honeymoon phase doesnt last forever, I have had a difficult time seeing him for 4 weekends in a row and never getting physical. He claims its because he's stressed out from work, or his daughter, or more recently because he's always got some kind of sickness-etc (once he had a cold, then he had a back issue)the list is endless. I've been understanding, as it all makes sense and tried not to take it personally but Im beginning to wonder if this will be a real issue for me in the future as it is now. I have tried talking to him about it but he says he just has no desire and he doesnt want to take medicine to correct it. I dont want him to feel pressured as I know this may push him away, and he realizes that lack of sex in a relationship is definitely not good. But no matter what I try to do, he doesnt seem interested. I hate to close this chapter of my life as I truly love him but I worry this may continue to be an issue and since I was very upfront with him from the beginning that I have quite a sexual appetite, I dont know how to discuss it further. I dont want to offer up ultimatums but sadly, it may be where its headed. Anyone else had this issue? Anyone have any guidance? I dont know if I should wait it out and pray things improve-as I try to remain understanding, helpful, and patient...I just dont know what to do. I appreciate the read. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 (edited) I've been with this amazing man for over a year. We have a long-distance relationship. We see one another every weekend and it works for us -for now. He and I have discussed marriage and our future together, so its pretty serious. Aside from having a great relationship, we have a true connection. We enjoy our time together and he fulfills me romantically: ie, hugs, kisses, cuddles, and positive affirmation. I do the same for him-it just comes naturally. But recently, weve had a bit of a slump in the bedroom. First off, we're both over the age of 40-so I want to throw the age factor out there. Also, many months ago his daughter moved in with him. Thats when the "lack of" began. When we first met, we couldnt get enough of one another and although Im realistic that this honeymoon phase doesnt last forever, I have had a difficult time seeing him for 4 weekends in a row and never getting physical. He claims its because he's stressed out from work, or his daughter, or more recently because he's always got some kind of sickness-etc (once he had a cold, then he had a back issue)the list is endless. I've been understanding, as it all makes sense and tried not to take it personally but Im beginning to wonder if this will be a real issue for me in the future as it is now. I have tried talking to him about it but he says he just has no desire and he doesnt want to take medicine to correct it. I dont want him to feel pressured as I know this may push him away, and he realizes that lack of sex in a relationship is definitely not good. But no matter what I try to do, he doesnt seem interested. I hate to close this chapter of my life as I truly love him but I worry this may continue to be an issue and since I was very upfront with him from the beginning that I have quite a sexual appetite, I dont know how to discuss it further. I dont want to offer up ultimatums but sadly, it may be where its headed. Anyone else had this issue? Anyone have any guidance? I dont know if I should wait it out and pray things improve-as I try to remain understanding, helpful, and patient...I just dont know what to do. I appreciate the read. If you hang around here enough, you will read numerous stories similar to yours...It's one of the most common situations posted here... It could be a number of things... -He's getting it somewhere else.. -Your appearance changed(weight gain, or?) -He is actually telling the truth and it's stress/work/health/kid related. -He just lost attraction/interest in you...For whatever reason.. BTW, there really isn't that much that can be done to correct desire outside of testosterone injections, which are dicey and have side effects...And even then, it might make him more horny, yet still not horny for you...So bear that in mind...And if he had good desire for you before and you haven't changed substantially, then you will probably need to explore other areas.. While there are stories of people coming back around, it's more likely that that ship sailed and isn't coming back...Ultimatums, gun to his head, whatever is a waste of time....I mean, even if he complied and gave in, how would that make you feel, like you had to force him to sleep with you?....That's nuts... It will be uncomfortable, but you are probably going to have to talk to him about it and hope he is honest with you...The problem is most guys won't tell women the truth here, as they think its going to crush them...So they lie and stall... I wish you the best...I am sure you will get some more answers/ideas.. TFY Edited October 8, 2018 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 I have tried talking to him about it but he says he just has no desire and he doesnt want to take medicine to correct it. I dont want him to feel pressured as I know this may push him away, and he realizes that lack of sex in a relationship is definitely not good. But no matter what I try to do, he doesnt seem interested. I hate to close this chapter of my life as I truly love him but I worry this may continue to be an issue and since I was very upfront with him from the beginning that I have quite a sexual appetite, I dont know how to discuss it further. My own experience with this, both personal and anecdotal, is that these disconnects rarely improve. And part of that is the rejection feels so personal - on both parts. You resent the lack of, and he resents the pressure in such an intimate an area. With extraordinary patience and tolerance, your relationship might survive this. But that assumes great communication, something missing with a partner that won't even discuss the problem. Challenging situation, you're facing a couple of different issues here. Absent a willingness on his part to work towards a solution, doesn't look good... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 why don't you two move in together? if your relationship is that serious then it should be no problem Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 Unfortunately, I do not think this situation will improve. Moving in together it'll only make it worse. Marrying him will end you in a sexless marriage. I think you are too young to forgo sex forever. As sad and difficult as it is, likely it is best that you end this relationship. He may find someone with a libido as low as his, who wouldn't mind the no sex part. And you will find someone who wants to have sex with you. Unfortunately there is no way out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 No sex (when against the wishes of one of the couple) also leads to more than just sexual frustration for the one being denied. It results in losing part of the bond that holds you together and in resentments that will blow every other irritation into something bigger, eventually destroying the relationship altogether. Only he can "fix" whatever is causing him to withdraw from you sexually. If he doesn't show any desire to do so, I don't see how it can be changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 is he depressed? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 (edited) He may find someone with a libido as low as his, who wouldn't mind the no sex part. And you will find someone who wants to have sex with you. Unfortunately there is no way out of this. Bear in mind....While you may be correct it also may have NOTHING to do with low libido... This is a common misconception, esp among women....Guys aren't "machines" that just comply as long as there is a willing woman in the house...The minute a guy "isn't doing what he's supposed to" in the bedroom, it's immediately assumed he's gay, has performance issues, etc.. For all we know, he has another woman he is tearing the hell out of, but is juggling the two of them, because the other woman is more his sexual type but less everything else...This scenario, even more believable as they are LDR.. Additionally we all know the stories of guys who are using porn every day and not touching their gf's/wives...In that case, it's not an issue of low libido either... TFY Edited October 8, 2018 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 Fair enough. Whatever the reason though , this is guaranteed not to get better. If he has another woman , it’s bad . If he’s using porn, also bad. I just went by what he said, he has no desire and assumed he has low T and isn’t willing to do anything to get better.. I understand there are risks but it’s all the same. From everything I’ve read and seen, these situations don’t get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 (edited) What so just because for a month or two there's been no action because the man your suppose to be in love with, if that;s what your saying , is having some personal stuff, and helping out his own daughter, your thinking of bailing, What if he was really sick for a few years , what if you were sick for a few years.??? l think you could say all you want about the relationship but if that's your version of love and this is all it takes then then well, sorry but good luck. ps , you might also wanna think about the 3 or 4 year drought it'll probably be before you find someone else as special , if you eave this just for that. Edited October 12, 2018 by Chilli Link to post Share on other sites
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