Friend got mad when I told him I liked his ex.

[llits]

So I want some opinions on my situation. I already got a good idea of what I'm gonna do but this is fun. So my friend dated this girl for about 4 months. But he was moving 2 hours away because he didn't wanna live where we're at anymore. He decided to end the relationship with her because he didn't wanna do a long distance relationship with her for whatever reason and neither of them were really happy in the relationship. So they decide to be friends and end it on good terms. He moves roughly 2 months later. However, during that time he was still here, he meets a girl that he's now doing a long distance relationship with. He claims that this girl is amazing and everything he's wanted. He's happy. That's good. Well, a couple weeks after he moves, I receive an invite to go out for drinks with his ex and some of her friends. I immediately ask home boy if he's cool with it. He says he doesn't care but he is a little bugged because they barely hung out as friends before he moved away. I double check to make sure he's cool with it. He says go for it. I go hang out. Things go well. Just good social interaction with people and I go home.

 

She starts texting me more. Learning about each other and how in sync we are and similar we think. Things are pretty good. However, I didn't really think too much about it. Home boy hits me up, and I tell him about how we're still chilling and stuff. He starts to get annoyed and starts trying to figure out why she'll talk to me a lot, but won't hit him up. (He's dating that new girl at this point, so I can't really figure out why it bothers him so much.) I get curious about it too. So I ask her one night while we're hanging out. I ask her why she doesn't really talk to home boy, but she talks to me all the time. She basically tells me that her and I have a lot more in common, and I understand her better than him and she likes to surround herself with people like her. She says home boy is a cool guy to hang with, but just not her first choice to really hang out with when she has other people that she has more in common with. She also said she didn't think it was such a big deal that her and home boy don't really talk because they don't have anything in common really. Okay. Fair enough.

 

I tell home boy, and he calls her reasoning bull and he thinks there's more to it and she's mad because he broke up with her because he didn't wanna do the distance relationship with her but then he started one with the new girl.(By saying this, I realized that he knows how messed up he is for doing that lol) He asks me not to see her. Because I didn't really think I liked her that much, I say okay. Boy, was I wrong with how much I liked her. So I stop hanging with her, making up excuses when she asks to hang. My friend comes into town one night. I finally decide that I'm gonna tell him that I like his ex more than I thought, and I wanna keep seeing her. He responds very negatively, obviously. He tells me that I need to call her and end it. I ask him why it even bothers him so much. He tells me, "Because you and her got a lot closer than her and I ever got. And I dated her." That answer told me that his ego is pretty much hurt. And he basically said things to make me feel guilty and invalidate how I felt and just trying to justify his feelings with illogical reasons. He heads back to his place. So I call the girl, tell her I like her a lot but home boy doesn't want us to see each other. She asks why. I give her the same reason he gave me. She gets pissed and texts him and calls him childish. He calls me and basically gets mad at me because I told him I wanted to see where things went. Again, he guilts me and manipulates me into telling him that I'm not gonna act on my feelings. He still says we're friends and that he trusts me that I won't act on these feelings. So I think I'm gonna act on my feelings because the way he handled the situation basically belittled me. There was no respect for me even though I was respecting him and being honest with him. And it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I just feel that I don't want a friend like that, who has these characteristics that he reveals because I tell him something he doesn't like.

 

Anyway guys, idc who's right or wrong. I don't really need to deal with a dude like that. But I'm just curious. What would you do?

 

TL;DR - I tell my friend I like his ex of 4 months even though he moved 2 hours away and has a new girlfriend he's head over heels for. He loses it on me and belittles my thoughts and feelings. Guilts me into doing what he wants. What would you do?

Edited October 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[FMW]

Which is more important to you - your friendship with home boy or your budding new relationship with his ex girlfriend? Whether it's fair or not, I don't think you can have both.

 

Will you be ok losing his friendship regardless of how it turns out between you and her? You might end up with neither.

[preraph]

Normally, I am negative Nancy about anyone going after any of their friends exes, but I do think it's ego in his case. However, he wasn't done with her, apparently. I would sit down with him and tell him he's got a month of six weeks to get something going with her and if it doesn't happen, you're going to date her. Then I would tell her you're getting out of the way for a few weeks to see if your friend will make any effort to be with her. Don't worry about what she says. Just tell her that's what you had to do to save your friendship and that you'll be back unless those two get together.

[Mysterio]

Get them both on the phone in a 3 way confrence call if you can. Tell them both that your their friend and that you don't want a soap opera with them.

 

So that means that you can't talk to them about each other. No facebook messages about what the other is doing and no FB pics as well.

 

See how they respond. Also. Don't date this girl. Its just bad vibes. No matter what its not going to be supported by your male friend.

[elaine567]

Frankly he doesn't sound like a very nice friend. He didn't want her, he broke up with her and now from 2 hours away and in a cosy relationship himself, he apparently wants to dictate to you what you do with your life.

 

Of course you also need to ask yourself honestly if you want this girl purely to get one over on your friend too...

 

 

Breaking up a friendship over a girl is not good, but friendships do often tend to fade away anyway as we age and grow apart... so maybe no big deal.

[Nobita Nobi]

While it's always weird to like a friend's ex, he still has a feeling on her I assume (and he might just be toying around with his new girl, just might). Don't think you can have both and in a way you already decided that you want to be with his ex more (as you stated that you don't want to have a friend like him). If that's what you want,go for it.

 

But if you still want to be friends with him, then you have to forget about his ex.

 

I won't say who's right or wrong but you have to compare them. Which one of them makes your life more happy. Healthy relationship is always better than an Unhealthy one.

[llits]

Thanks for all the feedback guys. As far as my situation goes, I thought for a while about my situation. I kinda put the friend's ex on the back burner so I can purly focus on the relationship I shared with my friend. I ended up messaging him and telling him about the lack of respect I received from him during our conversation. Basically telling him that I didn't agree with the way he articulated his thoughts and feelings for me and that I felt that the best thing for both of us was for him to live his life, and I live mine. For me, it's not so much picking between a girl and a friend. At first it was. But after how terrible he made me feel and how when I told him how it made me feel, his response wasn't really compassionate. It became more of, "Do I really wanna be friends with this dude?" So I accepted that this is how he really is, and I left. As far as the girl goes, we're talking about things. Maybe it'll go somewhere, maybe not. But even if it doesn't, I don't really miss my "friend". Especially now, since he's twisting the events of the situation to mutual parties to make himself out to be the victim. Ahh well. Whatever works for him. Keep throwing your input in though guys.