Can't stop thinking of her

[phaze1584]

Hi,

I just cant stop thinking about my wife. She moved out in May. She is a very attractive and succesful business woman. I found out that she is seeing someone else already (we only got married last August). I'm going crazy. cant sleep and imagine them together all the time. As well as damaging my self esteem, I feel angry with her that she has moved on so easily.....help, I'm a mess.

[DesertDweller]

I'm sorry for your pain. Why did she leave? Are you two getting divorced?

[Trimmer]

I found a similar thing - it's been 7 months now since my W announced her dissatisfaction over the last 2-3 years, and during the last 3 months, I've been aware that this period of dissatisfaction has coincided - independently, of course - with a growing attraction to another man over these same 2-3 years. Purely coincidental, and one is unrelated to the other, you see...

 

Anyway, I have had these same thoughts - thinking about them together, her rejection of me, her choosing to share her heart with someone else over me, and then keeping that from me - sometimes having trouble getting this junk out of my head.

 

But I found that once I fully, emotionally accepted that we were not going to stay together (which for me was the point where we finally and officially agreed to divorce), it was like a burden had been lifted. It's not that I won't be sad, and it's not that I won't occasionally have fleeting disturbing images... But I find that my physical and sexual attraction to her (and I do think she's attractive) is replaced with a more objective appraisal of her, both physically and emotionally, minus the moth-to-the-flame chemical attraction... I find that my anguish over what "they" might be doing together has greatly diminished, because that really doesn't affect my future from here out. My feeling of frustrated uncertainty at what she wants to do and whether things might ever work out between us is replaced by a calm focus and reflections on my own dreams, beliefs, ethics, morality, plans, and my healing process. I also found that the frustration and hurt running through my interactions with her have mostly evaporated, and I can be much more civil again. Tragically, I admit that seems backwards, but there you have it - I'm pretty sure that just "being nicer" to her over the last few months would not have made any difference.

 

I'm not advocating splitting up as an answer - literally, right up to the moment that she said "stop trying" and I agreed to do so, I was ready and willing to do anything to try to make it work - because I did love her deeply, and we have kids - and I still believe that embarking on a mutual attempt to heal our marriage would have been the most preferable outcome. I know did my best. I didn't realize the ship was sinking until it was mostly swamped (and I accept 50% of the responsibility for not recognizing it earlier), and I worked hard and looked for any possibility to keep it afloat, but she had already paddled off in a lifeboat without me.

 

Sorry - seems like I'm just going on and on here. My point is that my experience has been that once I came to see clearly and accept the finality of our situation, that allowed me to swing my focus to the future, and that has helped relieve me of a lot of the anguish and obsessive thoughts and images.

 

I've seem a signature line on a posting on LS that says something like "I wish it were one year ago..." For my part, my attitude is "I wish it were one year from now..." because while I will value and respect my past, I'm enjoying planning, working toward, and looking forward to my future.

 

So phaze - tell us more about your situation - Like DesertDweller asked, why did she leave? Are you divorced? Getting divorced? In limbo? (Ack, boy, I hate that...) What's your understanding of things between you? How is the power and control over this situation divided between you? Have you discussed with her what happens next?