It's been a year. Still love him. I'm doomed

[ZHguy]

So, about a year and a half ago I met this guy. He was tall, hot and very much my type. We were seeing each other casually for four months. We weren't actually in a relationship. I had some amazing times with him. A date would follow us fooling around which each other around my apartment, and then us making love all night long. And then, once, at the end of the night, he told me how he liked me. I liked him.

 

He ended it by lying to me, telling me he was across the continent on vacation. The mf was two blocks from my house (Men are wonderful liars, aren't they?). And then he made me feel rejected when I ran into him and he tried walking back in hopes that I didn't see him. The same month I would return home for the Summer. So, while he fell out of liking me, I fell in, loving him.

 

There wasn't a day that Summer where I didn't think about him.

 

Then I returned to the town we both met (where I studied; he was between a decade and fifteen years older than me so we didn't meet through college. My type? Hunky late 20s looking men). I waited patiently. Saw him once on a dating app which reveals nearby people. Didn't contact. I told myself I would gather myself together. And then I did. But when I least expected that I still loved him, I did it.

 

I messaged him.

 

No contact.

I quickly fell into depression. Confusion.

 

For the following month I was empty and darkened and in the same period was hospitalized for an autoimmune disease. I would then spend five of the next nine months in hospital. In and out. Two surgeries. Excruciating pain and just trauma, trauma. For the time, I just felt so lonely. More confusion. Why didn't my 'friends' visit me I thought, crunching myself to my hospital bed pillow as if I were hugging the man that I once fell in love with, not the barely warm hospital white pillow on my side.

 

And now I'm out of hospital. Today I just had to go on his facebook. I want him.

He has new facebook pictures. He looks beautiful. But he has a bit of a different look on his face. He lost a little weight/muscle. I wonder if he's happy. I wonder if maybe he might take a chance on me.

 

TL;DR. The dude hasn't thought about me since he blue tick ghosted my whatsapp message twelve months ago. But I still have strong feelings for this man. Certainly not as strong as twelve months ago, but sometimes they come rushing back, in bouts of loneliness, or memories of him. Or in this case, seeing his facebook pictures.

[LoverOfDance]

You don't love him. You feel a strong physical attraction. Love and lust are very different things. From what you've written, this guy does not have a very good character and has been dishonest with you in the past. It seems to me that he hasn't exactly revealed his true self to you so how can you love him?

 

You are in a very vulnerable place right now. Reach out to your family if you can so that you can get some emotional support. This man belongs in your past. Please let him stay there.

[ZHguy]

You don't love him. You feel a strong physical attraction. Love and lust are very different things. From what you've written, this guy does not have a very good character and has been dishonest with you in the past. It seems to me that he hasn't exactly revealed his true self to you so how can you love him?

 

You are in a very vulnerable place right now. Reach out to your family if you can so that you can get some emotional support. This man belongs in your past. Please let him stay there.

 

 

 

No it’s not lust. Lust is when you simply have a physical desire for some person and that’s it. That’s not how it is for me. I wanted everything past sex. At that time I was looking to settle into an official relationship, something which I’ve not had. Something which I need. My needs are emotional. Not physical. That’s the opposite of lust. But I do agree that I’m not in love with him as much anymore. And you’re right about his character. I’m probably causing self-inflicting pain because my really unstable past. I got close to a relationship with him though.

Edited October 9, 2018 by ZHguy

[preraph]

I think you looking at him and wanting something more than just sex doesn't have as much to do with him as just you. And I'm so sorry your friends didn't support you during your illness. I just don't understand people.

 

Anyway, unfortunately, though it was through him that you first could envision being with someone in a deeper relationship, he doesn't have the main requirement, because he doesn't feel that way back (maybe he's not ready for that or maybe he would be if someone else came along he feels about the way you feel about him), plus he was kind of a dick. You should want more for yourself.

 

Now that you're ready for a better relationship, try to keep standards and boundaries in mind when you are dating so you don't just plunge in with the first person who's willing and choose a good one. Sit down and make up some rules for yourself and watch for red flags and don't waste time with those who don't treat you the way you feel you should be treated. People get worse with familiarity, not better. Just remember that. Good luck.

[FenixRising]

I hope your recovery goes ok post-hospital and your family are there for you.

What you feel is valid, but the likelyhood of this guy providing you a fulfilling official relationship is slim. you deserve a guy who wants to be OFFICIAL with you. While you're recovering take into account how little this guy was there for you, and when you're ready start socialising more and making connections: look to maybe new people to support you. Platonic friends will help strengthen you again too. (Something I'm trying to do after only romantic relationships)

 

When you look after you, and cut out the toxic people in your life: you clear room for better ones. You mentioned your unstable past might be causing pain. Unfortunately we can only stablise it ourselves rather than relying on a relationship (no matter how amazing they seem). You are so worthy of a HEALTHY and fulfilling relationship. I think going over your needs is important if you are looking to date again. What will you tolerate and what is noncompromisable (ie.keeping you a secret, not being official) . The emotional needs you have will be most likely be filled without one-night sex, physical intimacy (even if it is passionate).

 

List all the amazing things about you and some really nice activities or hobbies you'd like to do with a partner. Maybe you love snuggling and watching movies, traveling, eating at a favourite restaurant, walking dogs etc.

Build up an amazing foundation for relationships first and the sex will be a cherry on top

[ZHguy]

You are so worthy of a HEALTHY and fulfilling relationship. I think going over your needs is important if you are looking to date again. What will you tolerate and what is noncompromisable (ie.keeping you a secret, not being official) . The emotional needs you have will be most likely be filled without one-night sex, physical intimacy (even if it is passionate).

 

List all the amazing things about you and some really nice activities or hobbies you'd like to do with a partner. Maybe you love snuggling and watching movies, traveling, eating at a favourite restaurant, walking dogs etc.

Build up an amazing foundation for relationships first and the sex will be a cherry on top

 

Thank you so much Fenix. You don’t know how much I needed that tonight. Probably more than a lot of nights.

 

But I do like talking to people (meaningful), cuddling, etc.

But for me, reading up on history or watch historical TV puts me in a comfort zone that stops me from being sad. So I’m gonna go do that. Take care.