Alex19 Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 Oke, so i have never been on a forum before, but i am a total loss in this situation. Me and my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up recently. Our relationship was always quite toxic, we would have quite big fights. She is quite strong in how she says things, while i dont really get angry. Over the course of our relationship my friends have continually doubted our relationship. She felt this and therefore never wanted to hang out with them. Recently she had been making an effort to change and be less harsh. However at the same time i have been losing faith in us and possibly loving her less. However i dont think i have ever loved anyone as much as i loved her at the beginning in our relationship, it always felt like we could be amazing, but we kept having stupid arguments It all exploded when i went on a trip with my friends for 2 weeks, in which we were going to try to take some distance. we didnt succeed and still spoke a lot. she was upset that i wasnt sure i wanted to continue. At some point my friends started to get involved and they got into a fight with her. This is when i left the holiday half way through. Since that she has been really trying to help me and sort my life out, but i just keep pushing her away. to the point where i said i cant see us functioning again, but im not sure whether mabye i should give it all a chance again, because i can really see she is making the effort, but i dont know because mabye it is also because i am upset im not speaking to two of my really close friends. Ive tried to summarize this as much as possible, would love to hear from you guys Link to post Share on other sites
ThreeRainbows Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 Ok. She is trying to change and grow, that is amazing. Basically, right now, you need to get in touch with your feelings, and out of your head a bit. This is a trust issue. From my perspective, I think that you may be struggling with trusting that she and you are actually going to be compatible. What I would recommend is, once you get in touch with your feelings, ask her if you can take things very slowly. Assure her that you are not against continuing with her, but you need to go slow in order for your trust to grow. She wants more from you because of her own trust issues - she is a little insecure. The more security you can honestly give her, the better things will get on her end. She will grow to trust you more that way, and will be less insecure given time. If she cannot handle going slowly, however, then you may need to consider separating for now. Best of luck. A good read for both of you: Nonviolent communication by Rosenberg. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 You need to set better boundaries with your friends, first of all. They have no business getting involved in fights with your girlfriend. Why are you now not speaking to two of them? And why did you leave your holiday early? It sounds like there is quite a bit of immaturity on all sides here. Being in love at the beginning of a relationship is not a reliable indicator of the overall viability of the partnership. The beginning is the honeymoon phase, when nearly everyone is on their best behaviour and things are usually marvelous. It's what comes after that tells you more about someone's character and the overall compatibility of a couple. It sounds to me like you know this isn't going to work in the long-run and don't feel the same about her as you once did. You could try to work it out, but you and she will both need to commit to measurable steps to improve. What is it you would like to see her change, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 Your friends only know what you tell them. Did you badmouth your girlfriend to them after those fights? That gives them the greenlight to attack her. Of course experienced friends know not to, because couples can have fights then make up. She may not be harsh with another man. I've seen that happen many times. Both parties contribute to a bad relationship. She has her side of the story. My advice for her would be to leave you. Not blaming you, just saying I think you are incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alex19 Posted October 9, 2018 Author Share Posted October 9, 2018 Ok. She is trying to change and grow, that is amazing. Basically, right now, you need to get in touch with your feelings, and out of your head a bit. This is a trust issue. From my perspective, I think that you may be struggling with trusting that she and you are actually going to be compatible. What I would recommend is, once you get in touch with your feelings, ask her if you can take things very slowly. Assure her that you are not against continuing with her, but you need to go slow in order for your trust to grow. She wants more from you because of her own trust issues - she is a little insecure. The more security you can honestly give her, the better things will get on her end. She will grow to trust you more that way, and will be less insecure given time. If she cannot handle going slowly, however, then you may need to consider separating for now. Best of luck. A good read for both of you: Nonviolent communication by Rosenberg. Thanks man, that does sound true, we not speaking at the moment. I feel that mabye its best to take this time apart so that we both can think about. and mabye propose to her to take it slowly. Will look at the book you suggested. Its exactly what you say. like for a atleast a year it was great, except for the fights we had. But now my feelings have lessened i spend more and more time doubting whether we would fit, but at the same time im like mabye this time it will be different Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alex19 Posted October 9, 2018 Author Share Posted October 9, 2018 You need to set better boundaries with your friends, first of all. They have no business getting involved in fights with your girlfriend. Why are you now not speaking to two of them? And why did you leave your holiday early? It sounds like there is quite a bit of immaturity on all sides here. Being in love at the beginning of a relationship is not a reliable indicator of the overall viability of the partnership. The beginning is the honeymoon phase, when nearly everyone is on their best behaviour and things are usually marvelous. It's what comes after that tells you more about someone's character and the overall compatibility of a couple. It sounds to me like you know this isn't going to work in the long-run and don't feel the same about her as you once did. You could try to work it out, but you and she will both need to commit to measurable steps to improve. What is it you would like to see her change, exactly? I see your point with the immaturity, and i do agree. It's exactly as you say im bad at setting boundaries with people i love, and i do to a certain extent blame myself, as i tried to keep everyone happy, while i should have been clearer about what i think, it was just a period in which i was really not very confident. To your other point, it has been getting less over the last 2-3 months, before that it was still fine Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alex19 Posted October 9, 2018 Author Share Posted October 9, 2018 Your friends only know what you tell them. Did you badmouth your girlfriend to them after those fights? That gives them the greenlight to attack her. Of course experienced friends know not to, because couples can have fights then make up. She may not be harsh with another man. I've seen that happen many times. Both parties contribute to a bad relationship. She has her side of the story. My advice for her would be to leave you. Not blaming you, just saying I think you are incompatible. No hard feelings, i actually agree with you. I think there are too important aspects, she did some immature things to start our relationship, as kissing a boy before we had really gotten into a relationship. This led to the fact that my friends while supporting me never really supported the relationship. To add to that they never really bonded because she wouldn't come to parties a lot, and therefore no relationship between her and my friends occurred. I am someone who would always tries to be nice and sweet in a fight and that sort of backfired making me sadder, i would often talk to my friends how i just didnt know how to deal with her, and get us to be able to talk about things instead of her going of at me over whatsapp. To the other point i really wanted her to give me more freedom to see my friends, and her to get more involved with my family. We both speak dutch, yet my family speaks english and she never really got over this. I always wanted her to come with me when i offered to go to my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alex19 Posted October 9, 2018 Author Share Posted October 9, 2018 I do feel that it wont work in the long run, but i have never been in a break up like this, and do really miss her, and i just wonder if it would be different in the future, because i feel like we could be compatible if we both tried, and recently this has been working out, but i always was the one most motivated and recently i just cant put myself to it, at the same time im really worried about hurting her feelings, because i do really care about her and i hate the fact that she is struggling because of me... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 I see your point with the immaturity, and i do agree. It's exactly as you say im bad at setting boundaries with people i love, and i do to a certain extent blame myself, as i tried to keep everyone happy, while i should have been clearer about what i think, it was just a period in which i was really not very confident. To your other point, it has been getting less over the last 2-3 months, before that it was still fine So why are you not speaking to two of your friends, and why exactly did you leave this holiday? I ask because I think the specifics could help provide a clearer overall picture of your emotional landscape, too. Link to post Share on other sites
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