Separation / No contact

[strengthnpwr]

Hello,

 

I'll try to keep my story short. My wife and I are currently on no contact/separation (I moved out for a month) that I initiated, I care about her and she was stressing so much with me around. I couldn't take it anymore that I was the cause of her stress. I've been married to her for 4 years. We ran into problems right when we moved in together. She suffers from childhood stress and can be really hard to deal with sometimes. She will be angry with me a lot with no cause. I didn't know how to deal with it at the time and shut down whenever she got into this rage. Of course we carried on like a normal marriage, but deep down we had these problems. We grew apart the last 2 years and the last 3 months I have been really putting effort in because I don't want things to be like this. I soon realized there was a lot I could of did to prevent all of this. I married her knowing she had these problems and thought I would be there to make her the happiest girl and be there for her no matter what. I just didn't have the tools to deal with the hard situations at the time. Well now that I'm putting effort in, it hurts. It hurts to eat, hurts to sleep, hurts to think... I REALLY hate this passive pussy I become, and no longer want to be that. I'm only on day 5 of no contact and the uncertainty is killing me. I have been studying a lot on relationships (emotional connection, communication, etc...) to better myself to be the man a lady would be lucky to have and what she needs, I no longer want to be that man I was during our marriage. I want to stay positive and say it's not too late.... but it's hard right now with every guy on the block chasing her.

 

The reason for the no contact is to reset her feelings for all the resentment, dislike and anger towards me. Also, the way she feels right now is annoyed, stressed, she just wants to love someone because she doesn't feel that for me since we grew apart. She wants a great relationship, and I want that too. When I told her I didn't want to talk for a month, and told her the reasons and everything on my mind. That night she asked for me to sleep in the same bed (I was sleeping down stairs) and asked for a hug for the first time in 2 years before I left that morning where we hugged one more time.

 

Pierce my heart with a dagger, it would feel better than this.

Edited October 9, 2018 by strengthnpwr

[GinON]

What strikes me is that No Contact is usually something the one that was left behind does, you seem to want space, but that doesn’t mean you cannot change your mind and work on the relationship together. You left her and you are worried about guys chasing her? Are you getting counseling? Have you considered Marriage counseling.

 

It seems like your plan could use some coordination. Maybe I am misunderstanding.

[strengthnpwr]

Hello GinOn,

 

Thank you for the input.

 

Yes, I need space and she needs space as well. She needs space because she no longer sleeps, the stress is too much. It's a big reason why I left, and she also verbally said she needed space. I need space to be the person I want to be. We both agreed we need to heal and that we can no longer be ourselves around each other, we have resentment towards each other. She apologized that night for everything and as did I.

 

Yes I have considered marriage counseling, and have asked. She has no time and doesn't want to put the effort in.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes I have considered marriage counseling, and have asked. She has no time and doesn't want to put the effort in.

 

Really hard to understand why she's so busy and stressed from your post. And one hug in the last two years?

 

What does "grew apart" mean?

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

Even if the two of you wanted to stay together and make it work, it sounds like her childhood is keeping her from having a healthy relationship with you, and until she agrees to address that, I don't think there is much hope for your marriage.

 

If you want your marriage to work, you should seek counseling yourself. You can talk to someone about exactly how you should be handling the situation. That doesn't mean it will fix anything. I was in therapy for 4 years to help me deal with my situation and still ended up leaving, but at least I know I put everything I could into trying to make it work, even if it was only one-sided.

[strengthnpwr]

vla

 

Yes, I never brought the topic of her mother who died when she was young, and her father wasn't emotionally there for her. She carries this stress everywhere and I did a lot of research on how to connect with her with this to resolve it, it's a matter of talking to her. I invited her out Sunday, we'll see if she comes or not.