The emptiness is real

[Agent1]

Hello all,

 

I know that there are a plethora of threads just like mine so thank you for even taking the time to read this.

 

I will start by saying that I am in a same-sex marriage (women), we've been married just over 2 years. Our relationship has had it's problems; my anger and trust issues, not knowing how to handle my emotions. I am a veteran who served in Afghanistan and have a PTSD diagnosis. She would tell me that she wanted me to get help for my issues but I just wasn't ready to talk to anyone about them. It is not easy to talk about war. So, I just kept saying "yeah yeah I will". I have punched holes in the wall on 2 occasions and have yelled at her and accused her of cheating for no good reason. With that said, she has her own set of issues; she has NEVER done anything wrong in our marriage, if you ask her.

 

Anyway, so about a month and half ago she hits me with the "I need space" jab. I immediately go into the forbidden desperation, crying, pleading, panic mode. I would want to talk about our relationship all the time and I could see all this was doing was p*ssing her off more and more but I just couldn't help it. My human instincts were kicking in. That went on for about a month, saying she needs space but refusing to leave the house. We slept in the same bed, she would kiss me when she left the house, she still wears her ring. Finally, I agreed to move into her moms house for a little while, well that lasted all of 2 nights because it was awkward being in her mom's house and I wanted to be back in my house. She wants the space so why doesn't she leave. I do not agree to the space at all but I want her to have it if thats what she needs.

 

Anyway, here we are now. It has gotten so ugly and nasty. She is now finally staying at her mom's. It went from "I want space" to "it's so ugly now I don't think we can go back". Then she text me on Saturday and said, that she believes we need legitimate time apart to evaluate our lives and that she doesn't want to file for divorce right now but wants to live separate lives for the time being. So, here I am analyzing every word and trying to find out if there is actual hope or if she is just saying all that to make herself feel better about actually leaving me. Like easing her way into it for her own sake.

 

I will say that since this all began, I have now entered into the PTSD trauma program at the VA. I go to group and individual therapy. I also see my our old marriage counselor that we used to go to. I am genuinely working on myself because it is completely necessary. I know I need this for my future with or without my wife.

 

My heart is completely shattered because I love her and know that I needed to fix the issues that caused her to get to this point prior to all of this happening. I have obviously stopped all the begging and pleading and chasing. She told me at one point that she just needed space but I didn't give it to her so now it has gotten to this point of ugly and that if I had just given her the space when she asked, we would probably be back together by now. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't understand why she still wears her ring.

[GinON]

Wow, aside from some gender identities and career differences I feel like I am reading something I wrote. I am glad your working on yourself and getting treatment.

Be glad she wears the ring, give her all the space you can! Never ask her anything about your relationship that’s her job now. If you do speak with her let her talk and accept anything she says for now, she needs to hear your compassion modeled before she can have any for you. Not saying be a doormat, but don’t try to argue for yourself for now. You can ask to be treated respectfully if that’s an issue but stop there for now, this will help her move out of anger fog in time.

 

I recommend you watch as many Craig Kenneth YouTube videos as you can, especially those with Margaret. They are very soothing and will help you see where you are. It’s like free, all day counseling if you need that.

Good luck, make yourself awesome!

[Agent1]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I spent a good 2-3 weeks crying and being a pure panic mode. I could just tell how much that was pushing her away. So I stopped that. I still have my crying episodes alone of course.

 

I actually have a son from a previous relationship (we share joint custody so he is not here often) who LOVES my wife and they share a special bond. She asked if she could take him to lunch today. I agreed for his sake. Mind you, I have not been texting her or reaching out at all since Saturday. Well today, she asked if I wanted to go to lunch with them. I declined because I don't want to fall back into her being around me and hating every minute of it. Then when she came over to pick up my son, she saw that I was dressed as if I was leaving the house she asked me what my plan was. I just said "I have some things to do"

 

I am just confused on why she would even ask me to go to lunch.

 

Ahhhh I dont know what to think!! I am still going keep strong with not reaching out to her and allowing her to have her space.

[vla1120]

First and foremost, thank you for serving. You are a true hero to me.

 

Keep working on yourself. Stay in therapy and address the PTSD. Do it for yourself and your son. When your wife sees the progress you are making, maybe she will feel comfortable enough to discuss your relationship again, or maybe you can bring her into counseling with you, where she can learn more about what you are facing on a daily/nightly basis and you can talk about your marriage in a neutral zone with a mediator.

 

As far as her never being to blame for anything in the marriage, because you did make admitted mistakes (anger, punching walls, etc.) it was easier to put all the blame on you. Once you have worked on your issues and remove those excuses, she'll have to own up to her part of the problems in the marriage. Good luck.

[Agent1]

Thank you for the kind words!

 

And you're right, all I can do is continue to better myself and heal myself.

[Agent1]

I am also struggling with trying to figure out if I am actually grieving for her or for the idea of my marriage. I am not sure if I am just scared of the future and my life turning upside down or if I heartbroken to be losing her.

 

She hasn't exactly been the most affectionate person. She started out semi-affectionate but as the time went on, it went to very minimal. I would tell her that I dont need much but maybe one a week send a text that you miss me or love me randomly. Once a month tell me you think I'm cute or whatever else. She has always just said "that's not who I am". My love language is very much words of affirmation and quality time. That is another thing, she NEVER PUTS HER PHONE DOWN. We are on the same phone plan so I can see the data usage, I am up to 105 texts with 9 days still left in our cycle, she is up to 3100... 3100!!!! Who really has that much to talk about. It has been like that our entire relationship.

 

She also never asks me about my day or my life really. If I ever talk about me, its just "yeah" to everything. No real engagement. She continuously talks about her job all day everyday and I just listen and engage and support her.

 

I dont know, maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better about this situation in hopes that I will be ok sooner.

[GinON]

She could have an avoidant attachment style, sounds like it. You might have an anxious, but you should look into those, they explained a lot to me.

[Agent1]

wow, that sounds just like us. Thank you for sharing.

[Agent1]

I find it therapeutic posting here, it makes me feel better to get it out so thanks for allowing me this opportunity.

 

Well, today my wife came over to watch my son for a few hours while I went to work. My mom was supposed to fly in last night to help with him but her flight was cancelled so my wife agreed to help.

 

After she left, she sent me a text saying that she was looking into getting an apartment with a month lease (she is currently staying at her mom's but it is too far from her work). She said she wants to take time apart and it is necessary. I told her I would support her if that is what she really wanted. She then went on to say that she thinks the growth and healing needs to be done separately first before any long terms decisions are made. I again told her that I would support her in that but I do believe at some point during the separation, we have to begin working on us together also.

 

I will honor her request although it hurts me. My mind and thoughts are all over the place...as well as my anxiety.

[Agent1]

Well, here I am. Heartbroken still and even more shattered.

 

Tonight my wife text me "I don't want you to be led on. I am just done with this". She wrote this after an argument but it doesn't hurt any less. Apparently she saw our old marriage counselor today and according to my wife, the counselor agreed with my wife that "we need months of space and a serious shift if this is ever going to work. Right now, I don't see that happening". So, basically my wife is telling me it is over. She also went on to say that she just can't right now because she's so hurt and needs to find peace.

 

She has been staying off and on at her mom's house and our house. She has only slept in the bed with me one time when she stays here. Some does she will text me all day being super nice then the next day its barely anything.

 

I believe at this point I just need to cut her out of my life completely for now in order to move on. If i keep her on social media and text her, I will never move on from her. I have to learn to live without her as my wife and start the process of getting over her.

 

If anyone has any tips on how to do this, i am open ears! I am also open to any advice to make this pain go away even if just a little. This heartbreak is intense and I want to be ok again.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Agent1]

I should also note that just yesterday she text me "I dont want to file for divorce right now but I want a legitimate break". Then I said one thing to piss her off today and it's "I am just done."

[d0nnivain]

Agent1

 

FWIW Thank you for the service. My husband is a Marine vet. Combat PTSD is real. It can be hard to love somebody with that diagnosis because from the outside we don't understand what you went through or how it affects you. I'm glad to hear that you are talking to a VA counselor.

 

I'm sorry this is wrecking your marriage. Do you think that if you got a handle on your post war trauma it would heal your marriage? I am NOT blaming you. I am suggesting that your inability to share & prior refusal to address the issue probably scared your wife. Punching walls is not easy to live with. It is easier then the horrors of war you endured but you had your platoon. Your wife has no support in this.

 

I'm not sure why your MC suggested space. IMO to fix marital problems a couple needs to work together not separately. Because your wife doesn't want a divorce, I suspect the love remains. Would you 2 consider a different MC, one who understands more about your combat PTSD?

 

Are you still in contact with people from your unit? When my husband resumed regularly communicating with his Marine brothers, all of them experienced an emotional boost because they could spend time with people who understood because they were there.

 

If you are both well & truly done then NC is probably best. Is your son also her son? If so, unfortunately you don't get the luxury of NC. You both have to work together for the child's best interest. Contact a lawyer about working that out. If your son is not her son, radio silence may be best. You don't need the reminders of what you can't have or the roller coaster of nice one day & cranky the next from her.

[Agent1]

I do believe that if she saw a change in my things would be different. She has said recently that she doesn't trust that things would change right now. I can understand that because all she has known is how it used to be. I can't change overnight but I made a commitment to myself to fix these issues. I attend a VA group on emotions and how to channel them, a VA individual counselor and a civil counselor. My wife knows about that but she is still weary. I couldn't see in the moment how much I was hurting my wife because of my own pain and suffering. I knew what I was doing but I didn't realize the impact it had on her. I wish I could take it all back because I genuinely care for her and don't want her to ever hurt like that.

 

Yeah, I agree that I don't think "months of space" is good for a marriage. In my opinion, if we are separated for months, not talking and not working on our marriage then it will just lead us to get over each other and learning to live without each other. I honestly don't know that the counselor actually said that, I see the same counselor because my wife and I used to see her together and I like her. When I saw her, she didn't mention anything about space. I would be willing to see a new one though it need be.

 

I know she loves me and and is conflicted. She is VERY angry about things I have said and done, like throwing money in her face when angry and hurt. She tells me she's really angry and hurt about things and doesn't know how to move forward from them. She has said multiple times that she doesn't want to file for divorce right now but wants space or a break. She has been looking at short term room rentals to move into to give herself a break from me. Now I don't know what to think because now she says she is just done with this. She gets super frustrated when I continue to talk about us and our marriage and then she lashes out at me with the "I'm done" comments. So, I just don't know what to think or believe.

 

I know 100% I HAVE to stop talking about us to her and smothering her and pressuring her. It is a heck of a lot easier said than done. It goes against every feeling and urge that I have but I know that it is essential.

[Agent1]

In regards to my son, he is her step-son. It makes me sad though because my son loves her and vice versa; they share a special bond. My son is 7 and has down syndrome. He is high functioning though, he knows when things aren't right. I have a custody agreement with my son's mother so he isn't with us all the time. When I brought him to my home 2 weeks ago, he asked for her. It just broke my heart.

[d0nnivain]

The stress of a special child isn't easy. I recommend you look for a local Elks club in your area. They have a national program for special kids with camps & other activities, all free or low cost to your family. Every Lodge also has programs for vets. It's a really safe family space. I promise it's not all old judgmental, drunk, white men, although there are still a few in there.

 

Since your goal is to save your marriage, do keep the lines of communication open. Make sure your wife knows how often you go to therapy etc. Just maybe shoot her a quick text: "Went to group today. Sure am learning a lot." Maybe every 5th message add in a 1 sentence apology for something you put her through while you were getting a handle on what happened to you.

[Agent1]

Thank you for the advice. They are both excellent points. I will definitely try that.

[Agent1]

I sent my wife an email last night telling her everything I went through while deployed to Afghanistan. I did it because she always wanted to know what I had experienced that caused me to hold on to anger and hurt. I made sure I told her that it wasn’t an attempt to gain sympathy from her or to make excuses for my actions or behaviors. In my VA group yesterday, they spoke with us about opening up to someone close to us and how it helps to heal. She had always begged me to open up to her about it but I was embarrassed. I wasn’t ready to accept it. So, instead I refused to get help and ruined my marriage.

 

Well, today she text me that she got the email but she’s not in a place emotionally where she can read it right now. But she was glad i could be more open and proud of my progress. (Sounds like she read it tho but probably doesn’t want to have to address it). I’m not looking for a reply from her, at all. I feel good finally letting her into those dark moments. I know it’s too little too late but I care about her wellbeing and didn’t want her to be left in the dark forever.

 

I’m torn because I miss her terribly and want nothing more to save my marriage but I am feel selfish because by her leaving me, she actually gave me the start of a new mentally healthy life. She pretty much sacrificed her own marriage and happiness saving me. I hope she can find peace and happiness again. I’m confident she will. I hope she can find forgiveness for me after she recovers from

Us.

[Agent1]

Well..... my wife text me this tonight: "I care a lot about you and your well being and your happiness. I just don't think we make each other happy. We haven't been happy for years and this is the first time I'm starting to feel like myself again. I don't want to hurt you but this is just how I feel".

 

Needless to say, I am devastated. I guess that means that it is truly over and I will never have my wife back.

[GinON]

Sorry to see that, its probably best to assume you are correct and get started on your new life. Going back and getting breadcrumbs over and over again just make the pain hit you over and over again.

 

Keep going to therapy groups, talk to friends and family as much as they can handle. It helps.

[Agent1]

Yes, you are so right. The more I obsess over every word of hers the more I set myself up for the heartbreak all over again.

 

I am continuing to work on myself and I will for however long it takes for my future (even though I plan to be single for the rest of my life). I am grieving the loss of my marriage and my life as I knew it. I do miss my wife because we had amazing times as well.

 

I know that I will be ok. I just need to stay focused on myself. It is sooo much easier said than done. How do you just stop thinking about someone??

 

How does she not miss me? Or us? Or our home or our life? Those are the questions that I find myself obsessing over and hurting myself all over again with.

 

I sound like a pathetic fool, i know but it is only because I am heartbroken and trying to process it all.

[vla1120]

You don't sound like a pathetic fool. You sound like someone trying to come to terms with something you don't want to happen. It probably takes a long time to stop thinking about someone (if ever.) You might find yourself wondering "what if" for years to come. OR, maybe, as you continue your journey of navigating through your experiences and PTSD, a healthier you will be a happier you and the regrets and "what ifs" will start to subside. Just take it one day at a time. If I could recommend anything, it would be to try to maintain no contact for self-preservation. Give yourself time to adjust to being alone without the distraction of contact with your wife, which sends you into a tailspin. Go out and start making new memories for yourself.

[Agent1]

Thank you for the advice. I wish I were stronger but that will come with time. Tonight and tomorrow I am actually going to hang out with my friends. I really just want to lay on my couch and cry but I can't do that or I will drag out my misery.

 

The thing that is frustrating to me is that she still asks to come over in-between her yoga classes she teaches. She teaches in the city our home is in but her parent's house where she is staying is about a 35-45 min drive depending on traffic. So,if she has a 3 hour break or whatever, she will ask to come here.

 

She did this today. I woke up to a text from her asking if she could. Of course I said it was ok. The entire time she is here she just asks like i am a stranger to her. She is so cold. We dont talk really. Other than her asking if I wanted her to make me lunch since she was making some for herself. I feel like if i tell her no and not allow her here, she will get mad at push her even further away.

 

How do I handle that situation?

[vla1120]

Thank you for the advice. I wish I were stronger but that will come with time. Tonight and tomorrow I am actually going to hang out with my friends. I really just want to lay on my couch and cry but I can't do that or I will drag out my misery.

 

The thing that is frustrating to me is that she still asks to come over in-between her yoga classes she teaches. She teaches in the city our home is in but her parent's house where she is staying is about a 35-45 min drive depending on traffic. So,if she has a 3 hour break or whatever, she will ask to come here.

 

She did this today. I woke up to a text from her asking if she could. Of course I said it was ok. The entire time she is here she just asks like i am a stranger to her. She is so cold. We dont talk really. Other than her asking if I wanted her to make me lunch since she was making some for herself. I feel like if i tell her no and not allow her here, she will get mad at push her even further away.

 

How do I handle that situation?

 

She shouldn't get to have her cake and eat it too. The next time she asks to come over between classes, tell her it is not convenient. She chose this situation, not you. Allowing her to come over as she pleases is sending a message that there are no consequences for her. Let her get mad. You should also be mad that she is knowingly crushing your soul, then imposing on you for her own convenience, and being cold to you while she makes herself at home in your home. No. It's not okay.

 

I am glad you are getting out and spending time with friends. Keep it going!

[esean75]

This sounds a lot like my marriage had been. Thank you for our service to our country and I applaud that you're getting help for your PTSD. This seems like someone who has completely checked out and you may or may not be able to save things. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Just keep up with getting the help you need and make sure you are doing it for you.

[GinON]

I very much understand the desire to make her feel ok about coming over, but you don’t have to let her, she hurt you pretty badly and it’s torture being in a room with someone that doesn’t love you any more.

If you want to do it to prove t you can, that’s a character building exercise I suppose but otherwise your gonna feel like a doormat. Don’t let her see anger or frustration, tell her you are busy as VLA1120 suggests. Being sad and looking it just justifies her belief in what she is doing, weirdly.

Imagine if you had a new lady over at the time and she called on you... uh... no way would you have her over!

At least at this point, you don’t appear to want to be friends, and you can tell her, “It was nice knowing you, I think your a great person. If you want to go out on a date some day let me know.” Or something like that and then If she calls you ask her out. If she says no then repeat the statement so she knows your aren’t interested in a friendly relationship or in this case being used as a cafe. She will get the idea and you don’t seem needy or pathetic to her. It’s a Corey Wayne routine, which sounds good to me at least in the abstract.