JuneL Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 yea i do need help. I'm already seeing a therapist, but i don't see him all too often because he's a long way a way, and getting to him is a challenge. I just wish I could find a mentor or something who can break it down for me and literally show me in real time how all this stuff works... I guess women don't find a man such as myself attractive, sexually appealing or anything more than just a friend... I'll just bury myself in a hole somewhere and live out my days by myself. being doing it for 10 years, what's a life time? Well PRW is giving you great advice. Have you seen the movie Rain Man? Do you remember Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in the movie? There was one scene in which she kissed Dustin Hoffman in the elevator. It sounds to me like this girl is trying to do the same to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Most people kind of know what is right, but they don't always do it. It is each individual's nature. People can advise you on what to do to reach a certain goal, but no one, not even yourself, can change your innate nature. This girl is not imagery. If you think about her too much she becomes semi-imaginary in your head. If you decide, according to your nature, to do this wingman thing, then you ask her, and you'll get reality. She may run off with you or shoot you down, or play you against her boyfriend. I'm of the of opinion that people should stick to their own kind. If you are kind, you will be mistreated if you stay with people who are mean. If you are straightforward, you'll be played if you stay with people who are tricky. But if you're both tricky then you're a good match. that's the tough bit... I literally do not know what is right. My brain doesn't pick it up. hell, i need my bro, parents or therapist to tell me that i'm feeling something before i realize it... That's what makes it that much harder, having to rely on others to make me aware of what i'm doing or not doing, feeling or not feeling. I find it tough meeting people in general and building a connection, nevermind someone who truly gets me as a human being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Well PRW is giving you great advice. Have you seen the movie Rain Man? Do you remember Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in the movie? There was one scene in which she kissed Dustin Hoffman in the elevator. It sounds to me like this girl is trying to do the same to you. Yea i've seen it... I don't know. I really don't know anymore. Do guys like myself even end up happy with someone, or is that just a ruse to give us false hope...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Well PRW is giving you great advice. Have you seen the movie Rain Man? Do you remember Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in the movie? There was one scene in which she kissed Dustin Hoffman in the elevator. It sounds to me like this girl is trying to do the same to you. PRW has been a star with his advice. I'm just a visual learner, who learns best by having someone show you the way and getting you to the point you want to be at. I feel as though i need to figure out everything myself, and it's difficult when the world is literally alien to me... Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 PRW has been a star with his advice. I'm just a visual learner, who learns best by having someone show you the way and getting you to the point you want to be at. I feel as though i need to figure out everything myself, and it's difficult when the world is literally alien to me... Well if this girl, and maybe with her guy helping too, can do the wing-man thing with you, that might be a pretty good idea. So I have re-thought this a bit from my first post as I have learned more about this. But be careful of expectations,...the expectations will be what get you down. Maybe it won't be "getting a hot chick",...maybe it will be the well needed social practice of interacting with women that you need before you can get to the point of "getting the girl". Think of what "muscle memory" is like,...you don't have to "think" about it, it just happens. So you do the same thing with social skills, and they just happen, without having to think about it and analyze it. So don't worry about expectations and specific results,...just treat everything as practice and a challenge. You already have the head-knowledge from your studying that we've talked about before and in other threads. So now you just need the practice, the social practice, the social "muscle memory". So view your two friends as a way to help get that practice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Well if this girl, and maybe with her guy helping too, can do the wing-man thing with you, that might be a pretty good idea. So I have re-thought this a bit from my first post as I have learned more about this. But be careful of expectations,...the expectations will be what get you down. Maybe it won't be "getting a hot chick",...maybe it will be the well needed social practice of interacting with women that you need before you can get to the point of "getting the girl". Think of what "muscle memory" is like,...you don't have to "think" about it, it just happens. So you do the same thing with social skills, and they just happen, without having to think about it and analyze it. So don't worry about expectations and specific results,...just treat everything as practice and a challenge. You already have the head-knowledge from your studying that we've talked about before and in other threads. So now you just need the practice, the social practice, the social "muscle memory". So view your two friends as a way to help get that practice. You know when i was a teen, I didn't have this problem. I chatted a lot online with girls, got catfished a few times, but I didn't have to think what i'm doing... now, I can't remember for the life of me what i did, and because i'm thinking about it now, because i want to consciously be aware of what i'm doing, it all seems to just backfire on me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 yea i do need help. I'm already seeing a therapist, but i don't see him all too often because he's a long way a way, and getting to him is a challenge. I just wish I could find a mentor or something who can break it down for me and literally show me in real time how all this stuff works... I guess women don't find a man such as myself attractive, sexually appealing or anything more than just a friend... I'll just bury myself in a hole somewhere and live out my days by myself. being doing it for 10 years, what's a life time? The good news is every type of man can find a woman. Now, not all of them do, but each type can if they are looking for the right ones. If you don't believe me, like I always say, go to Walmart on a weekend and you'll see every possible type of person coupled up there with their families, tall, short, fat, thin, everywhere on the scale of 1-10. But first you have to be right inside yourself and love yourself, and I'm so glad you're in therapy, but you need to go more often. If you feel it's doing no good, change therapists. But you can't find an easy solution here for what is basically a behavioral problem that has to be fixed from within. No one has the magic pill for you. It takes some work. But the good news is you're young and you're not too defensive, so you're open to taking help. But it takes some time and should be done with a therapist. Change is slow. You can try "fake it to make it" as an exercise, or ask your therapist if that's a good idea for you. All it means is act like you WISH you were, which is hard at first but usually brings some better reactions from people, which will encourage you to continue to change. Just don't let yourself, now while you're immersed in problems, try to take the easy way out and lose your friends because of it. No one likes a person who poaches their friends' friends or lovers. And of course, as a practical matter, this will be the first impression this woman has of you: He's not a very loyal person because he's trying to get me when I'm with his friend. And yes, she will think that. I know because I've been there. I couldn't believe when one of my ex's closest friend started being friends and then eventually tried to kiss me. My estimation of him went down immediately. I like loyalty. Don't lose your friends by being an opportunist. Instead, go to therapy more often and let your therapist know if you feel you're stuck in the mud because there are different approaches besides just talking. Like exercises to push the envelope a little and things like that, but open up and ask about it with your therapist if you are not satisified with things there and hopefully they'll come up with a plan to keep you more interested and stimulated and feeling like you're learning things. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 Well PRW is giving you great advice. Have you seen the movie Rain Man? Do you remember Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in the movie? There was one scene in which she kissed Dustin Hoffman in the elevator. It sounds to me like this girl is trying to do the same to you. If so, bear in mind he's not Rainman and his attention span is MUCH longer than Rainman's, so it would only cause a worse problem. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 Have you looked at dating websites specifically aimed at Aspies? Perhaps it will be easier with someone who 'gets' you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 The good news is every type of man can find a woman. Now, not all of them do, but each type can if they are looking for the right ones. If you don't believe me, like I always say, go to Walmart on a weekend and you'll see every possible type of person coupled up there with their families, tall, short, fat, thin, everywhere on the scale of 1-10. But first you have to be right inside yourself and love yourself, and I'm so glad you're in therapy, but you need to go more often. If you feel it's doing no good, change therapists. But you can't find an easy solution here for what is basically a behavioral problem that has to be fixed from within. No one has the magic pill for you. It takes some work. But the good news is you're young and you're not too defensive, so you're open to taking help. But it takes some time and should be done with a therapist. Change is slow. You can try "fake it to make it" as an exercise, or ask your therapist if that's a good idea for you. All it means is act like you WISH you were, which is hard at first but usually brings some better reactions from people, which will encourage you to continue to change. Just don't let yourself, now while you're immersed in problems, try to take the easy way out and lose your friends because of it. No one likes a person who poaches their friends' friends or lovers. And of course, as a practical matter, this will be the first impression this woman has of you: He's not a very loyal person because he's trying to get me when I'm with his friend. And yes, she will think that. I know because I've been there. I couldn't believe when one of my ex's closest friend started being friends and then eventually tried to kiss me. My estimation of him went down immediately. I like loyalty. Don't lose your friends by being an opportunist. Instead, go to therapy more often and let your therapist know if you feel you're stuck in the mud because there are different approaches besides just talking. Like exercises to push the envelope a little and things like that, but open up and ask about it with your therapist if you are not satisified with things there and hopefully they'll come up with a plan to keep you more interested and stimulated and feeling like you're learning things. Good luck. my therapist is the best in my area... perhaps the only one who works with people on the spectrum. In fact, he actually gave me advice to send her a message declaring boundaries: "you have told me so many things about yourself. I have learnt that you have obviously been through a lot with your family, and past relationships. What worries me, is that I'm starting to get the idea that you only like me because I'm just an older guy who likes you. The problem is, because I'm such a gentle, sensitive guy, when I like somebody, it's difficult for me when everything is grey. Things are grey at the moment, because we talk all the time and not in just a friendly way, and yet we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. I cannot cope with that grey, because it's not good for me and it's not good for you. So, if you ever want to have some form of relationship with me, it's entirely up to you, but that is something you need to decide. I need to be able to have a boundary, between you and I, until there is clarity for you." she's had a traumatic time with her family, and well, to put it frankly, she is broken. And he warned against broken women. They tend to thrive off attention and the though of being loved. Not their fault, just something that an Aspie such as myself cannot work out. so yea, i did just that. over voice note on whatsapp... now she's wanting to try be friends... and i don't know what i want with that. A general rule of thumb i follow, thanks CW, is i never befriend someone i'm attracted to. Ever. But she's with another guy, knows my intentions, and she still really wants to be friends. So i really don't know what to do about it. She would make a ****ing awesome wing woman. especially since she knows what it is i'm looking for, doesn't bull**** me and yea. Even for now, if i could get a hook up, lose my cherry and get that off my bucket list, maybe i'll forget this whole thing and really just be her friend. She'll help with that, a long with my bro and well, the friend I managed to betray. I even shaved my beard to try and symbolize some kind of new beginning. I just cannot tolerate grey areas with relationships, dating... it messes me up, because I only see black and white, and tend to put my all into something i find worthwhile. Never a girls bitch though. If she asks for help with something, and I enjoy doing what it is i'm asked to do, i'll do it. not for her, but for my love of the art of whatever it may be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Have you looked at dating websites specifically aimed at Aspies? Perhaps it will be easier with someone who 'gets' you. sadly, most of the aspie dating sites are paid sites. I don't have that kind of money for that lol. Besides, I don't really want to date another aspie. I feel a neurotypical would be better suited to translating the world for me. Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 now she's wanting to try be friends... and i don't know what i want with that. A general rule of thumb i follow, thanks CW, is i never befriend someone i'm attracted to. Ever. But she's with another guy, knows my intentions, and she still really wants to be friends. So i really don't know what to do about it. CW means this in the context of a woman whom you when on dates with for a while and then stops dating you and says she "just wants to be friends". So I don't think it applies to this situation. I think because you know the situation well enough your feelings will eventually catch up with the reality of it and will fall into balance. So I don't think you need to treat her as a former dating partner that suddenly says she just wants to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 CW means this in the context of a woman whom you when on dates with for a while and then stops dating you and says she "just wants to be friends". So I don't think it applies to this situation. I think because you know the situation well enough your feelings will eventually catch up with the reality of it and will fall into balance. So I don't think you need to treat her as a former dating partner that suddenly says she just wants to be friends. Yea i figured that. I still try not to be friends with someone i'm attracted to... "hey i'm your friend just because i hope that one day i can get in your pants"... she's been crying over the possibility of losing me altogether lol literally, and in front of me... if she's manipulating me into accepting the "friendzone", i'm out for good. also, I don't know if i'll cope with my emotions. perhaps they'll catch up.... argh i don't know what to do, really. so much conflicting information, it's starting to get a bit overwhelming lol Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 argh i don't know what to do, really. so much conflicting information, it's starting to get a bit overwhelming lol Take a break from the thread. Go do whatever hobbies you may have or go do some things that you do for fun and entertainment. Come back the the thread or start a new one later on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Take a break from the thread. Go do whatever hobbies you may have or go do some things that you do for fun and entertainment. Come back the the thread or start a new one later on. yea, i'll talk on some other threads as well... but it's not just this thread. it's in general. Advice from corey wayne, friends, family, girls, girls chase, just clogs my mind up and i struggle to figure out what the best move is. So what, should i stay friends with this girl, or just ditch her altogether? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 sadly, most of the aspie dating sites are paid sites. I don't have that kind of money for that lol. Besides, I don't really want to date another aspie. I feel a neurotypical would be better suited to translating the world for me. Unfortunately, translating the world isn't the job of a partner. That's the job of a therapist. A partner is there to love and support you, but not to be a teacher or guide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 yea, i'll talk on some other threads as well... but it's not just this thread. it's in general. Advice from corey wayne, friends, family, girls, girls chase, just clogs my mind up and i struggle to figure out what the best move is. So what, should i stay friends with this girl, or just ditch her altogether? It's just my opinion with limited real information, but I'd say don't be so drastic. You have plenty of time to ditch her later if you want, doesn't have to be today. If the two of them, or she, wants to do the wing-man thing why not take advantage of that? It won't hurt you, and she won't bite, at least not too hard. Being around her and still keeping your emotions in check and under control might be good practice for you, she can be your "lab rat" and wing-girl at the same time. Once you run across some other hot chick that is willing to spend time around you, what you feel with this other one will fade anyway. Then you won't have to ditch anyone or even worry about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 It's just my opinion with limited real information, but I'd say don't be so drastic. You have plenty of time to ditch her later if you want, doesn't have to be today. If the two of them, or she, wants to do the wing-man thing why not take advantage of that? It won't hurt you, and she won't bite, at least not too hard. Being around her and still keeping your emotions in check and under control might be good practice for you, she can be your "lab rat" and wing-girl at the same time. Once you run across some other hot chick that is willing to spend time around you, what you feel with this other one will fade anyway. Then you won't have to ditch anyone or even worry about it. I'll retain a friendship with her. though I stated very clearly I'm not good at hiding my emotions... mostly because I'm not even aware of them most of the time..I just won't make such an effort to reach out to her as I have done. message her once in awhile and leave her to do the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ProfessorOptics Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Unfortunately, translating the world isn't the job of a partner. That's the job of a therapist. A partner is there to love and support you, but not to be a teacher or guide. no but a life partner can help a lot with that because they're with you more than a therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 no but a life partner can help a lot with that because they're with you more than a therapist. But if you think from your partner’s perspective, why would she want to take up this enormous task? Btw, are you able to provide emotional support to your partner? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 Have you taken a social cues class for Aspergers? Are you good at math or coding? If yes, you might be able to do some sort of exchange with another person who can help you navigate social situations. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Aspie or NT, you're not the only one (or the last one) to fall for a friend's gf; this story is as old as time, actually. There's no need to classify yourself as any type of man, ie alpha or the other ones; just extricate yourself from this situation by distancing yourself from your crush. It seems one-sided, so it'll pass. Your friend may not be a great bf to her but that's neither here nor there - if she's not happy, she'll break up with him in due time and find someone more suitable. In the meantime, there's no need to wallow or blame it all on the Aspie thing - just move on. The social awkwardness is a more general issue to this particular one, that can be overcome when you find your own, personal coping mechanisms and style of communication. I'm a fellow Aspie btw - I just get a little frustrated when I see it used as an explanation or excuse for any situation - you've found enough social acumen to come to a predominantly NT (and mainly Aspie-blind) forum to ask about a perfectly common scenario, so you're just fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 Aspie or NT What's NT? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 What's NT? neuro typical? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 I like this post. I understand that individuals with autism have difficulty reading social cues. Can this condition hamper one’s ability to have empathy and hence moral judgement? I am asking because the OP does not seem to try to see things from the perspectives of others. Aspie or NT, you're not the only one (or the last one) to fall for a friend's gf; this story is as old as time, actually. There's no need to classify yourself as any type of man, ie alpha or the other ones; just extricate yourself from this situation by distancing yourself from your crush. It seems one-sided, so it'll pass. Your friend may not be a great bf to her but that's neither here nor there - if she's not happy, she'll break up with him in due time and find someone more suitable. In the meantime, there's no need to wallow or blame it all on the Aspie thing - just move on. The social awkwardness is a more general issue to this particular one, that can be overcome when you find your own, personal coping mechanisms and style of communication. I'm a fellow Aspie btw - I just get a little frustrated when I see it used as an explanation or excuse for any situation - you've found enough social acumen to come to a predominantly NT (and mainly Aspie-blind) forum to ask about a perfectly common scenario, so you're just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
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