How to tell your partner they should be more direct about time spent at work?

[agawam25]

Hi all,

 

I'll get straight to the point: after two years of single life post-failed LTR of eight years, I met someone wonderful, and recently we started living together. My girlfriend is the most amazing, loving, kind person I have ever met. So much so, that most of my friends didn't actually believe she was real until they met her. So, one thing led to another and now we're living together. (Yay!)

 

But of course, no one is perfect, and I'm trying to find a way to talk to her about her work. I knew that her work demands from her to stay at the office overtime most of the days, sometimes clocking in up to 12 hours (and more). In practice, it's been rough, but we're both adults (well, I'm 30+, she's in her mid-20s). The only problem I have, and that's where I need your advice, is the fact that she's really bad at saying when she'll be back home. Sometimes she genuinely doesn't know and it depends on her boss and any additional tasks he might come up with during the day. But this morning, she told me it would be an easy day and she should be back at 5. Later we spoke (around 5:30ish) and I asked her and she said she has some work to do that she could bring home. I asked her again at 8 and she said she "guessed she should" come home and that she was busy finishing up her paperwork. I said that she should just let me know what her plans are - it's 9:10 and I haven't heard a word from her since.

 

I mean, I know some of you will latch on to this thinking whether she have someone on the side, etc. She doesn't. She's absolutely mad about me in every possible way. She's never lived with someone before, and I think that's the reason behind this kind of behavior. So dear LoveShack, help me out: how do I kindly and nicely tell her that in all honesty, it's okay to be stuck at work, but that it's also nice to be able to plan our evenings, dinner, etc.?

[preraph]

So if she's working real late, she's probably eating some at work and may not even want dinner when she gets home. It doesn't sound like she has any expectations of you for getting dinner ready or any plans to cook dinner after a very long day, so I think you should just agree to each get your own meals through the week (or whichever days she's scheduled to work) and stop worrying about it. Of course, if she's on her way home late and stops to grab takeout, she could text and ask if you want anything, but since her work schedule is fluid, you shouldn't be trying to nail down dinner and plans through the week. It goes without saying that the fridge should be stocked with easy canned soup and sandwich food at all times so a tired person doesn't have to cook if they do come home hungry.

 

I think if there was a special occasion, she could plan for that ahead of time and take off by giving her boss advance notice.

 

Now, if she's also working weekends (or whatever her hypothetical days off are), you may just have married a workaholic.

 

IMO, it's better to not argue about things like this and just accept them since you know nothing else except work is going on. It will cause a lot of tension if each day is an issue like you are saying it is for you. No one wants to feel that tension or have that pressure, and not everyone wants to plan because they don't know if they'll have enough energy to do anything.

 

It's worth a civil conversation to agree that weekends (or whatever your common days off are) are time you plan to spend some time together (allowing time for her to als see her family and friends as well and do any shopping and errands.)

 

What worked best for me working unpredictable hours is I exhausted myself through the week working long hours and then forced myself to stay out even later doing my shopping and errands, taking care of my personal accounting, etc, all through the week on my way home from work so that on the weekends, I was free to relax, sleep late, party, and cook and relax some more. A word of caution: Anyone working those long hours is going to need some unstructured down time wherever she can grab it, so please don't go into this expecting her to give you free rein to "plan" every minute of her free time or spend every minute with you, because she'll need to mostly relax during her free time.

 

You've just got to keep this from being a daily issue and accept it as her reality and not be torturing yourself waiting. Use that time for yourself or to see friends.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now, if she's also working weekends (or whatever her hypothetical days off are), you may just have married a workaholic.

 

I'd guess this is the simple answer.

 

agawam25, she's known you for months but has been focused on her career for years. And I doubt this behavior just started so you had a free look at her priorities while dating. Tough to complain about them now.

 

Some careers require this level of dedication in order to advance. Some people work this hard regardless of the job requirements. It sounds like both forces are at work here.

 

I'd plan an active and independent life of my own. Looks like, in this relationship, you're going to need it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

You can't change he workaholic tendencies.

 

But it's totally reasonable to challenge her about "misleading" you about her return from work.

 

She could be just time disorganized ... and/or she could have a tendency to put a good face on things ....

 

Either way, it is rude on her part to give you an estimate of when she will return, and then consistently miss that estimate ...

 

Challenging her on being clear to you on time ... is within your right and boundaries ... challenging her work hours ... is not ... at least at this point. But you are of course free to leave her if you think her work hours make having a relationship impossible. I couldn't deal with someone who clocks in 112 hours consistently ... especially if in addition to that, they mislead me on their arrival.

[BaileyB]

I see it as common courtesy.

 

She works long hours, that's unlikely to change unless she makes another decision. You knew this about her when you met, so you have to either accept this about her or end your relationship.

 

But - is there any reason why she is not able to send a quick text to let you know that she won't be home when she thought she'd be home, and give you and estimated time that she may be home? I mean, I was supposed to make dinner tonight but my workshop went longer than I expected so I sent a text to my boyfriend that he should make alternate plans. There are days when we are bo really busy, but we still manage to have this conversation at some point, every day. It's just consideration and common courtesy.

 

I would just tell her, it's difficult for you to plan your life if you are never sure when she will be home and/or if you should be waiting to do something with her. Given, she may not know how long she will have to stay... Just ask her if she could be so kind as to send you a text letting you know that she will be late and if she thinks she will be home that evening. If the answer is no, then that tells you something about how much she values your time and how considerate she will be in your future relationship.

[Mardelis]

Are you unhappy being by yourself?

[Mr. Lucky]

Challenging her on being clear to you on time ... is within your right and boundaries ...

 

But - is there any reason why she is not able to send a quick text to let you know that she won't be home when she thought she'd be home, and give you and estimated time that she may be home?

 

You know, my wife was like this when she was teaching, we used to call it "the zone". She'd literally lose her ability to tell time - she'd look at her watch, it would be 6 pm, she'd work for what felt like 20-30 minutes more - and it would be 8 pm. There seems to be a hyper-focused state for some people where they connect to the task at hand in an exclusive manner.

 

We fought about this initially until I realized it just wasn't going to change. It's the price you pay for marriage to a certain personality type and only the OP can decide if the trade-off is worth it to him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

She works a lot. So?

 

Don't ever plan for her to be home early (duh)... she works a lot.

 

It's obvious she is gonna have long days... plan and cook your dinner.

 

When she's not working - have fun.

 

 

If you expect to change a workaholic - this relationship isn't gonna turn out well.

 

 

Change yourself. Find hobbies and things to stay busy.

 

How many hours a week do you work?

[agawam25]

Thank you all for your answers. Some interesting insight and it's always good to hear other people's experiences.

 

This relationship is definitely worth it, and like I said, I really don't have an issue with her working long hours at all. And I'm obviously trying to be understanding of her losing her sense of time as well. A minor issue, altogether, and not something that I would ever consider a deal breaker, just to be perfectly clear.

 

Last night she came home and apologized profusely on her own although I really wasn't upset at her being home late (it was 10ish). She even said that it was probably wiser to finish up sooner (7ish), then come home and have a couple of hours together before possibly finishing her work at home at night (perfectly reasonable and fine by me). The only thing that bothers me really is not getting a sense of when she'll be home so that I can plan accordingly. Like some of you said, I also think it's an issue of loose time management and a lack of experience living with another person - your whole life changes and some habits you used to have go out the proverbial window, which is the reality that she has to adjust to, although compared to my own and my friends' experiences, she's being a champ about it. Romantic partners don't neccessarily make for good life partners, but she is amazingly easy to live with and suffice it to say that we haven't had a single argument since we've been together, let alone now when you expect the occasional sparks to fly over stuff like who takes out the trash and why did you leave your towel on the floor. She's also super-stressed with the amount of things she needs to do in the next couple of weeks (in addition to her work, she's also trying to finish her MA) so it's understandable that she's also all over the place. That being said, I fully support both her professional development and her desire to progress in her career. I don't see how her not being happy with her work would make me happy, either. So in all honesty, I'm all for her doing as much as she can and as well as she can as a young professional - long term this will pay out dividends.

 

As for me, my line of work also comes with odd hours - I used to have weeks upon weeks of 12-16 hour workdays, but I'm currently experiencing a bit of a break, which is probably the reason why I'm restless. I think once a routine is set, all of this will be fine.

[S2B]

Kind of reminds me of a poster her years ago... username was Nickfeek (I think).

 

He had been married and had kids and felt much as you do... yet he was married and had been many years.

[d0nnivain]

This is a change for her too. She never had to be accountable to someone else for her time. Right now she's doing a bad job of it & that understandably hurts your feelings. Continue to encourage her to be more accuntable but don't enable her. If she says she will be home at 6 & you have dinner ready for 6:30 you eat then put everything away. Stop having a warm plate waiting for her. Perhaps that will encouarge her to come home on time or tell you the real time. It's a matter of courtesy.

[S2B]

This is a change for her too. She never had to be accountable to someone else for her time. Right now she's doing a bad job of it & that understandably hurts your feelings. Continue to encourage her to be more accuntable but don't enable her. If she says she will be home at 6 & you have dinner ready for 6:30 you eat then put everything away. Stop having a warm plate waiting for her. Perhaps that will encouarge her to come home on time or tell you the real time. It's a matter of courtesy.

 

She obviously eats at the office if she works that late. No need to keep a plate warm for her.

 

Realize she doesn't need a plate... don't plan any dinners with her.

 

Ask if you two can eat breakfast together - that may before realistic.

 

 

Start living as though she won't be home in the evenings. Go to a movie, an event or out for fun on your own...that way you don't sit thinking about her not being there.

 

When she's home - appreciate that time with her while she's there.

[agawam25]

Turns out she realized this and worked it out on her own, people. She's been much better about making plans and figuring out who's home at what time since. Miracles do happen.

[d0nnivain]

Glad to hear it! Enjoy your togetherness.