overwhelming anxiety

[leanansidhe79]

I was in a marriage of 20 years where I was in an abusive relationship. We divorced 2 years ago. I met a great man about a year and a half ago, whom I married this past February. I love him so much and I trust him completely. He is an amazing man, treats me with respect and would do anything for me. He has never given me a reason not to trust him. However, I have so much anxiety that he is going to leave me, cheat on me or realize he can do so much better than me. My insecurites at times cause problems with us. I feel like I am overwhelmed with anxiety when it comes to this. I even read into every little thing and start to get anxiety like why did not not pay as much attention to me compared to the other day or why did he look at that woman like that.

 

 

If he takes a while to answer my text, and it usually during the work day and is explainable, I freak out wondering why he has not text back.

 

 

I cant control this and dont know what to do. I have expressed my feelings to him but his answer is he does not understand why. He tries to give me everthing I want, pays attention to me, tells me I am beautiful and has never given me a reason to feel this way.

 

 

I love him so much that I dont want to lose him. I sometimes dont feel like he loves me the same way I love him.

[MidwestUSA]

You divorced and met another man within a very short time. Your time would have been better spent in therapy to help you with the trauma of a long term, abusive relationship, before jumping into another one.

 

It's too late to tell you not to remarry, so the best you can do is get yourself into therapy. Today. If you don't, I can guarantee you're going to drive your new husband away. Get moving.

[stillafool]

More than likely he can smell the desperation and that will make him pull away. No one wants the pressure of feeling another person can't relax because of their fear of losing them. It's a major turn off. I agree that you entered a relationship too soon without seeking the help you need for your mental health first.

[Mardelis]

Start here:

 

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

[Mr. Lucky]

I sometimes dont feel like he loves me the same way I love him.

 

Do you mean neurotically, anxiously and obsessively?

 

leanansidhe79, here's what's cause for concern - he loves you in a perfectly normal and healthy way. He's responsible, respectful and considerate and yet, according to you, he's not presenting himself in the right way.

 

So at some point, he'll get tired of the nagging, doubt and jealousy and leave. And the cycle of emotional abuse will have continued. Is that what you want?

 

Get help. Now. You may not have a whole lot of time left to save your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Have you been for counselling during or after your marriage? I can imagine that you had a great many issues to work through before you were ready for another relationship...

 

And yet, you met and married another man in a VERY short time period. You didn’t even give this new relationship any amount of time before you married and started a new life with your new husband.

 

If you haven’t been for counselling, you would be wise to get there quickly. Issues not deal with properly will continue to appear in your life, preventing you from moving forward in a healthy way... with the same lessons presenting themselves until you learn the lesson as intended.

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely get to counseling/therapy. You are way overdue if you're experiencing this level of anxiety.

 

Good luck. Glad you are with a partner who treats you well.

 

Now, you've got to learn how to embrace that. And by the way, don't assume that you are unusual in having the problem you're having. Right now, you're just having trouble believing good things can happen.

 

Well, that's a reasonable fear based on your experience most likely ... but actually it's based on your narrow interpretation of your experience. Therapy can help you reframe this ... most likely not everyone in your life has treated you terribly.

 

Good luck.

[leanansidhe79]

I did go to counseling about 6 months prior to meeting my new husband. I dont nag him. I rarely express how I feel anxiety towards him leaving me because I dont want to scare him away. In fact, I mostly keep it to myself but he can tell something is off with me when the anxiety gets really bad and asks me what wrong. I usually just tell him that I am tired or had a bad day at work. So he really does not know, other than me expressing it to him once or twice since the beginning of our relationship.

[BaileyB]

I did go to counseling about 6 months prior to meeting my new husband. I dont nag him. I rarely express how I feel anxiety towards him leaving me because I dont want to scare him away. In fact, I mostly keep it to myself but he can tell something is off with me when the anxiety gets really bad and asks me what wrong. I usually just tell him that I am tired or had a bad day at work. So he really does not know, other than me expressing it to him once or twice since the beginning of our relationship.

 

That's not healthy for you either.

 

My friend, I think it's time to go back to counselling. I hope it works out for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's not healthy for you either.

 

My friend, I think it's time to go back to counselling. I hope it works out for you.

 

Amen. And leanansidhe79, you're underestimating the amount of self-doubt you're creating in your husband who understands he's not making you happy.

 

Don't think this is an issue affecting only you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[leanansidhe79]

ok so instead of posting another thread. My husband was also in a previosly verbally abusive relationship where he was yelled and screamed at alot. Because of this he has a hard time opening up to me. He said he still needs time but it hurts because I think he he trusts me and he should know by now that I am not like that, that he should not have problems opening up. He was upset lastnight and said he thinks I am pushing him and trying to put a time limit on it. Am I wrong for that. It hurts he cant trust me to open up to me. He said it wasnt about trust, but about fear. To me fear goes hand in hand. If you fear something, you cant trust it.

[BaileyB]

ok so instead of posting another thread. My husband was also in a previosly verbally abusive relationship where he was yelled and screamed at alot. Because of this he has a hard time opening up to me. He said he still needs time but it hurts because I think he he trusts me and he should know by now that I am not like that, that he should not have problems opening up. He was upset lastnight and said he thinks I am pushing him and trying to put a time limit on it. Am I wrong for that. It hurts he cant trust me to open up to me. He said it wasnt about trust, but about fear. To me fear goes hand in hand. If you fear something, you cant trust it.

 

I would never push my partner to share something he didn’t want to share. To me, it has less to do with trust than it has to do with respect (for your husband).

 

Again, respectfully, your husband would benefit from counselling and/or you would benefited from marriage counselling to help you to learn how to communicate with each other. You have BOTH had traumatic experiences in relationships that affect how you behave in your current relationship. If you want to give your marriage the best chance for success, I would strongly advise you to find some good Counsellors...

[leanansidhe79]

I get that he feels afraid to tell me things but the things he isnt telling me feels like he is hiding something. Like a woman-they are just friends, whom I like, we have hung around alot and even came to our wedding, I found out through my step son she is an ex-girlfriend. I confronted him about it and he intially lied to me but then not even a second later confessed. I asked him why he didnt tell me. I trust him, I should have heard it from him, not my step son. He said because they are just good friends, nothing more and that his last several other girlfriends would not let them be friends and were pissed off about it so he just didnt tell me that she was his ex.

 

 

Then I made a doctor appointment yesterday and told him about it because he was looking for a doctor. He said he did not like that doctor and would rather me not waste my money there. I told him that I already made the appointment and that I liked the doctor the last time I went. Then he said that he only said that because when he went the last time he saw that one of his exes worked there and he was afraid she would cause problems, they didnt end well and he didnt want her to cause billing problems. Why didnt he just tell me that in the first place.

 

 

I get he is scared but these things are starting me to lose my trust because he lies about it because he is scared to tell me.

[BaileyB]

Why do you think he is scared to tell you?

 

Is it because he has been in a bad relationship where these kinds of things would have caused a problem or is it because he feels like you are anxious and will not trust him, such that he does not feel safe and would rather keep these things private.

 

The more you share, the more obvious it is that you have issues with trust and communication in your marriage. It's entirely possible that you both have unresolved issues from past relationships and you are triggering each other in different ways.

 

How you are going to solve this problem is the question to ask yourself...

[leanansidhe79]

I think it is a little of both. He is scared to tell me because of the backlash he would have received in his past relationships and he is also scared to tell me because of my insecurities.

 

 

On my part, what can I do to help? Just take things as they are?

[beautiful_day]

Some random thoughts ...

 

Xanax in the short term and yoga for the long haul. Seriously.

 

Also read some books on anxiety, maybe something by Tich Na Han too.

 

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle is pretty highly rated. My daughter made me read it lately. I thought it went on and on, but once I’d finished I thought he had a point. It’s all about making space around the loud voice in our head which isn’t actually reality.

 

Caffeine is the work of the devil but we love it so. I’m a heavy user myself, but maybe switch to decaf for a couple of months until you get this under some kind of control.

 

When you feel yourself overwhelmed by anxiety take five long breaths ... all the way in until your lungs are completely full and then all the way out.

 

Deliberately laugh at the ridiculousness of life. One day we will all be dust.

 

You found yourself a lovely man. Love him calmly with all your soul and allow yourself to relax and enjoy him. I think once you relax he will too.

 

 

Ps I think therapy is overrated. Trusted girlfriends are free and much more fun.

Edited October 15, 2018 by beautiful_day

[GinON]

I suffer from anxiety as well. I find listening to youtube therapists helpful, especially Craig Kenneth, the best are with coach Margaret. They have 500+ free videos. They are all about attachment styles and soothing yourself.

 

I also like to breath deep and slow, wiggle several body parts, listen to and count sounds I can hear, things I can see, and identify smells. It brings me out of my head and into reality.

 

Also, you make things happen when you think about them. Think about him loving you and he will. Thinking about him leaving will cause it.

 

I like yoga too but kick boxing is my favorite therapy!

 

I tried valerian root just one or two pills then got up to 5 with chamomile tea. That helped me sleep for while, but a doctor recommended that and I am not your doctor... not a recommendation!