clueless

[pj1657]

I was talking to this girl for about a month before we started really dating. before we dated she was also talking to another guy that was long distance and also a really good friend of hers that she said she and he had through the friendship had started to have feelings towards each other. she had also just recently got divorced from her ex husband 2 months before that. she was married for 3 years. she never wanted to commit to me cause she didnt know where this friend and her were going to end up and she said she still was having emotions from her divorce. i gave her the time and space she needed never pushing.

well we started to hang out more and more it got really intense and to my surprise she told her friend that what they had would not and pry never work and that she had met me wanted to see how things would turn out. she would tell her friends how wonderful i was tell my friends the same thing. she was talking about future things we would do (example how in the winter i would need to put extra blankets on the bed or just know i would have to hold her all night. and even planned a weekend getaway for us. i went away for about 4 days for business and she stated the fact that she missed me.i know for a fact she was not with anyone during that time she may have talked to her friend but nothing else happened during my trip. her saying she missed me after 2 days of being gone completely came to me as a surprise. she was so excited to see me when i got back and we had a wonderful evening on thursday night. cooking together and talking and everything was great.

i had my daughter that weekend and it was her birthday. i invited her to the event knowing she would not come cause it was to soon for her to meet my daughter. which is fine and i understand that. she thanked me for the invite. but something that weekend happened. she told me that monday that she had a very emotional weekend dealing with her ex husband and she had called her friend and they talked about it and she didnt want to call me with the issue cause i had my daughter and she wants to be the happy fun part of my life and not the downer with problems that are not mine. i told her she can always call me anytime she wishes. i am here for her. she told me that her and her friend talked about the issue and also about me. she told me on monday night that it would be so easy to continue where they left off but she does not want that. she wants to see where this goes. we discussed the up coming weekend and what we planned to do on our getaway. what time to leave and looked up things to do there.

i wanted her to have some space the rest of the week so i waited for her to text me first. after her ordeal from the weekend i figured she would want that. so i tried my best not to message her to much or call to much. on tuesday though i did ask her if everything was alright cause my gut told me something was up and i am very open and wanted to make sure she was okay. didnt care about us. just wanted her to know i noticed something and that i was there for her. she told me she was alright and it was just the weekend issues and she was over them. that i didnt have to worry about her but thanked me for my worry. i told her i care about her and will always worry. she said she appreciated that. the rest of the week i stuck to just letting her have her space she would text me about the upcoming weekend and good night and hope you have a good day at work or night. on thursday i let figured i would not bother her since it was her day off. but around 8 at night i sent her a message saying i hope you had an amazing day and have a great rest of your night. i said i will talk to her tomorrow or will see her tomorrow night when she gets done work. about an hour later she surprised me by texting me telling me that this was hard for her to do but told me that she could not see me anymore. that she had decided to go in a different direction. she said i know your not stupid and could tell something wasnt right. she said that i was a wonderful man and thanks for the understanding and patients in everything and always being there for her. and to take care of myself. i did not argue or say anything i was feeling. i said okay and said i wish you the best on your decision. this was completely out of the blue. we had not fought or argued or had anything happen that would cause this to happen. she was during that week a bit distant. but i assumed it was from the weekend happenings. I text her the next morning told her good morning and that i had all her belongings with amount to a pair of shoes and some other little items were on the counter for her to pick up and please drop my key off. she responded and said will will be over to get them. later that early evening she text me and said she would not be able to come get her things cause she had been busy all day. and that she would come get them as soon as possible and would be quick about it. she works nights on tues wed fri sat and i work days everyday. and nights on mon and sat.

i waited a week but she had still not come to retrieve her things i had not heard from her either. so i sent her a message. the reason i messaged her is cause i had something funny happen to me and it was something that had happpened when she and i were together. she text me back right away said lol thats funny and asked how i was doing. i told her i was doing well. which we all know i was not. i did not ask her how she was. i told her another story about my daughter seeing her shoes (that are still at me house) and saying that she wanted those shoes. i told her my daughter might steal her shoes. she responded with what shoes. i said the silver ones still at my house. she said yep. and then said i have been very busy lately....i apologize. (upside down Smiley face) she then said at some point in time i will be over to get my stuff. i never responded and it has been 4 days since that has happened and her stuff still remains.

i dont understand how this all came about how it happened. what happened. why she is being so vague in the reason for not seeing me anymore. i have never given her a reason not to be straight with me. and she has been straight with me on everything else. some people will say that she didnt want to hurt me but she is not stupid either and knows that would hurt more. but why not be now. if she went for the other guy the friend then why not just tell me. obviously we both know it was possible. if she wanted to be on her own then why not just say that. knew that was possible as well. but none of it makes sense cause of her words and actions before it all happened. i mean pretty much the only thing this girl didnt say was i love you when we were together and i wouldnt expect that for a long time. i am just at a loss as to what this all means i have tried to figure it out and at every turn i see why it is not that.

please let me know what you all think. thanks

[Mardelis]

Many or even most people are cowards. They prefer to avoid the discomfort and awkwardness that goes with telling a potential relationship partner that they're no longer interested so they just go ghost and avoid it altogether.

 

 

 

Even if you're the nicest guy in the world and you'd react calmly and with understanding and you'd feel much better getting the answers and the closure that goes with being dumped.

 

 

 

It just aint gonna happen because most people just don't care about you once you're of no further use to them and truth be told she probably can't even put into words why she's dumping you, it's just "the way she feels".

 

 

 

Sorry but that's the hard truth.

[pj1657]

all good that is why i am asking this on here to see what everyone thinks. my real confusion, cause i know throughout the past part of my life is that everything will be told sooner or later., but my real confusion is why she will not come get her things. i would not be around when she would so there is no worrying about seeing me. or confronting me. she live 5 miles if that away. so would take like 10 min. if she wants to be done so bad so sudden then why not get her things quickly and get my key back to me.

[shydad]

please let me know what you all think.

 

Hi pj1657, I think she doesn't know what she wants. Coming fresh out of a marriage doesn't help either. I'd guess she's not at a point of being able to have a healthy relationship, but you'd know better than any of us. I'm not sure if there is any action for you to take at this point. What do you want to happen?

 

I wouldn't worry about the few things she left. She clearly doesn't care about the shoes. Give them to Goodwill, change the locks if it makes sense to do so, and you're good to go. How are you feeling? Are you taking this pretty badly? From what I've read, you didn't do anything wrong. None of this is your fault. All that you can do is your best, and if it doesn't work, its not because of you.

[pj1657]

thanks

well she seemed ready. if i was a betting man i would say she went the route of seeing what she has with the friend and how the long distance relationship goes. but i also see the side. of just wanting do deal with her emotions from the divorce. i thought i was moving along at the pace she was. going from her words and actions. like i said everything was going great. as far as me. well i am doing better everyday. it sucks but i will live. my only flaw is i try to figure things out when i dont have an answer. i know that is not good. and only prolongs the hurt. what do i want. i want to finish what i started. see where it can go. just like her and i discussed. but that is not in the cards. or at least i dont think it is in the cards. her being so vague on the whole thing and not just coming out and telling me the decision i think is the hardest. cause i never gave her a reason not to. i get that people will say well she didnt want a confrontation or that she was trying to spare my feelings. but i and she knows am the type of person that is straight forward. would rather have the truth. and her being a vague as she was tells me that she is hiding. her saying that she will at some point come get her stuff tells me that she is hiding. cause she is johnny on the spot with everything and i know for a fact she has not been to busy. she is in my opinion hiding from either her feelings or as you said confused. and unsure as her next step. but in time i will know the truth. until then it is one day at a time. and everyday i will get closer to leaving it in the rear view.

[shydad]

what do i want. i want to finish what i started. see where it can go.

Hi pj1657, I'm guessing that you won't get what you want, but if you are going to try to talk with her, I'd say sooner is better so you can get past this. If it was me, I would call her and be very direct, in an attempt to get a direct answer.

 

I feel terrible for you, as you're in an unfair situation. We're all different, but speaking for myself, I was very unwell emotionally during the first two years after my marriage ended. The third year I was better but feeling pretty "meh". It wasn't until about three and a half years passed that I started feeling great and desiring a relationship again. That's 3.5 years following a 6.5 year marriage (8 year relationship). So effectively it took me 44% of the relationship's time to fully recover (or 54% of the marriage's time). The woman you are talking about was married for 3 years and started dating you after 2 months. This breaks down to dating after 6% of the length of the marriage. Maybe she's amazing at recovering from these things, but I'd wager she was not ready.