Thinking of finally ending it

[RoseGold18]

I’ve posted before and had an overwhelming response of people telling me to get a divorce.

 

I am 35 with a 3 year old son and I think I am going to finally tell my husband that I want a divorce. I’m thinking of doing it after Halloween because my husbands birthday is coming up and then Halloween and I don’t want to ruin any plans or ruin his birthday.

 

My main reason for wanting a divorce is that I have fallen out of love with my husband. We are not compatible like I had thought or hoped we were. We live like roommates and haven’t had sex in 6 months. He completely lacks all emotion and we have no intimacy.

 

I’ve been having an affair I guess if you could call it that with a married man. He is an old fling of mine from 14 years ago. He is married with 3 kids and is in an open marriage. He has no desire to leave his wife. It’s been going on since July, so not very long. The affair has definitely made me realize how much I miss and enjoy feeling wanted and being touched. We go out on dates and he holds me and then I go home and I just don’t want to live my life like this anymore.

 

I just need people to tell me how it’s going to be and what to expect. I am scared and that’s he reason why it’s taken me so long. My fears mainly are financially because we’re basically spilting our finances in half. It will be a struggle but I am so unhappy with money I am realizing that I would be happier with less money in hopes that maybe I can find someone who will be a better match for me.

 

My other main fear is being a “single” mom. I know my ex will be there and is a great father but when it’s my time with my son I will be doing it alone. My son is pretty high maintenance and we’re used to having each other since we both work the same schedule. It will be an adjustment for all.

 

My only other concern is the feeling that I broke up the family but I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know what else to do. I am miserable. If I wait till I get older I think I will regret it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m thinking of doing it after Halloween because my husbands birthday is coming up and then Halloween and I don’t want to ruin any plans or ruin his birthday.

 

RoseGold18, that sentence made me laugh. I'll just say it's an interesting set of priorities.

 

I just need people to tell me how it’s going to be and what to expect. I am scared and that’s he reason why it’s taken me so long. My fears mainly are financially because we’re basically spilting our finances in half. It will be a struggle but I am so unhappy with money I am realizing that I would be happier with less money in hopes that maybe I can find someone who will be a better match for me.

 

My other main fear is being a “single” mom. I know my ex will be there and is a great father but when it’s my time with my son I will be doing it alone. My son is pretty high maintenance and we’re used to having each other since we both work the same schedule. It will be an adjustment for all.

 

My only other concern is the feeling that I broke up the family but I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know what else to do. I am miserable. If I wait till I get older I think I will regret it.

 

Change and the unknown are always frightening. But when you get to the point where you're thinking "anything is better than this", not much to fear, right? From what you've posted, you can only improve you situation.

 

Will you still see your MM post separation? Seems like that emotional energy could be put to better use...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Artdeco]

Assuming your M is as bad as you describe (which I have no reason to doubt), I want to say this:

 

Nobody can blame you for wanting out, if there’s no intimacy - physically or emotionally. As long as you feel like you’ve given it a few fair shots, and your H knows about your unhappiness, it’s your right to strive for a better life.

 

If you have a job and an income, it’s doable. You aren’t the first single parent, and you won’t be the last. Money will work itself out, and as far as the parenting thing is concerned, you’ll probably get 50/50, so you can save up all your energy while you’re alone, and use it up when you have your son. Making a change like that - provided it is well planned out, and the kid is taken care of - will empower you, you’ll be more balanced and happier, and hence a better, more energetic parent. I also believe that your son’s age is almost ideal (if you can call it that under the circumstances) if you plan to D. You sound like you’ve made up your mind, so I think you have it in you to leave a dead M, and start a new solo life.

 

It can be done! Reading your OP, it doesn’t look like you cling to your MM for anything, and that’s good. Don’t leave one situation (M) because you have hopes for a new R. Do it for you. Be independent! Everything else will fall into place later. There’s no reason to stay in an unhappy M, if you don’t think it can be improved/salvaged. You sound level-headed, so I’m sure you’ll be fine.

[Mardelis]

I’m thinking of doing it after Halloween because my husbands birthday is coming up and then Halloween and I don’t want to ruin any plans or ruin his birthday.

 

 

After Halloween is Thanksgiving, after that is Christmas or Hanukah or Quansa or whatever your favorite holiday may be, then you've got New Years and after that are a whole bunch of early in the year occasios such as St Patties Day and All Saints Day and then Easter and Mothers Day and then Fathers Day not to mention Memorial Day then July 4th and then Labor Day and we're right back to Halloween again.

 

 

Not seeing any good time to break the news.

[alphamale]

you know that your married lover will leave you as soon as you become a single mom?

[RoseGold18]

you know that your married lover will leave you as soon as you become a single mom?

 

Interesting take on that. Why do you think that?

 

The only thing he has said in regards to me leaving my husband (which he thinks I should to be happy) is that “He’ll be there” whatever that means.

 

I admit I have fallen for him, but I know I need to back away because he is married with 3 kids and I know he doesn’t want to break up his family.

 

But we’ve had many conversations of what if’s and what could have been. A little too late for that

 

We dated for a year when he was 19 and I was 21. He told me I broke his heart, which I did not know.

[BaileyB]

My only other concern is the feeling that I broke up the family but I can’t keep living like this. I don’t know what else to do. I am miserable. If I wait till I get older I think I will regret it.

 

You haven't split up your family, your husband hasn't exactly kept his part of the bargain either.

 

Rosegold, you have every right to be happy. You simply can not stay in a marriage that makes you miserable. You deserve a partner who can give you everything you want in a marriage - love, affection, and intimacy.

 

What you don't have the right to do is have an affair - thus betraying the vows you made to your husband and living a lie while raising your son.

 

It's doubtful, given your situation that your MM will be able to offer that which you seek. Best to put that emotional energy to building a healthy relationship with a man who can be a real partner to you, and a special person to your son.

[RoseGold18]

After Halloween is Thanksgiving, after that is Christmas or Hanukah or Quansa or whatever your favorite holiday may be, then you've got New Years and after that are a whole bunch of early in the year occasios such as St Patties Day and All Saints Day and then Easter and Mothers Day and then Fathers Day not to mention Memorial Day then July 4th and then Labor Day and we're right back to Halloween again.

 

 

Not seeing any good time to break the news.

 

Yup, absolutely. I think about this all the time. It’s going to be hard.

[RoseGold18]

RoseGold18, that sentence made me laugh. I'll just say it's an interesting set of priorities.

 

 

 

Change and the unknown are always frightening. But when you get to the point where you're thinking "anything is better than this", not much to fear, right? From what you've posted, you can only improve you situation.

 

Will you still see your MM post separation? Seems like that emotional energy could be put to better use...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not sure if I will still see MM. I probably will initially. But I would like a relationship of my own eventually.

[RoseGold18]

Assuming your M is as bad as you describe (which I have no reason to doubt), I want to say this:

 

Nobody can blame you for wanting out, if there’s no intimacy - physically or emotionally. As long as you feel like you’ve given it a few fair shots, and your H knows about your unhappiness, it’s your right to strive for a better life.

 

If you have a job and an income, it’s doable. You aren’t the first single parent, and you won’t be the last. Money will work itself out, and as far as the parenting thing is concerned, you’ll probably get 50/50, so you can save up all your energy while you’re alone, and use it up when you have your son. Making a change like that - provided it is well planned out, and the kid is taken care of - will empower you, you’ll be more balanced and happier, and hence a better, more energetic parent. I also believe that your son’s age is almost ideal (if you can call it that under the circumstances) if you plan to D. You sound like you’ve made up your mind, so I think you have it in you to leave a dead M, and start a new solo life.

 

It can be done! Reading your OP, it doesn’t look like you cling to your MM for anything, and that’s good. Don’t leave one situation (M) because you have hopes for a new R. Do it for you. Be independent! Everything else will fall into place later. There’s no reason to stay in an unhappy M, if you don’t think it can be improved/salvaged. You sound level-headed, so I’m sure you’ll be fine.

 

Thanks! I make a good income and I shouldn’t feel “stuck” in this situation like I do.

 

I’m scared but I think I can do it. It’s just never the way I’ve pictured my life.

[RoseGold18]

Money will work itself out, and as far as the parenting thing is concerned, you’ll probably get 50/50, so you can save up all your energy while you’re alone, and use it up when you have your son. Making a change like that - provided it is well planned out, and the kid is taken care of - will empower you, you’ll be more balanced and happier, and hence a better, more energetic parent. I also believe that your son’s age is almost ideal (if you can call it that under the circumstances) if you plan to D. You sound like you’ve made up your mind, so I think you have it in you to leave a dead M, and start a new solo life. .

 

This is my hope regarding being a single parent. I am terrified.

[RoseGold18]

Interesting take on that. Why do you think that?

 

The only thing he has said in regards to me leaving my husband (which he thinks I should to be happy) is that “He’ll be there” whatever that means.

 

I admit I have fallen for him, but I know I need to back away because he is married with 3 kids and I know he doesn’t want to break up his family.

 

But we’ve had many conversations of what if’s and what could have been. A little too late for that

 

We dated for a year when he was 19 and I was 21. He told me I broke his heart, which I did not know.

 

I forgot to mention MM says that “he’ll be there” and that if I became single that he “gets to keep me”. But I know it’s highly doubtful. His marriage isn’t as bad as mine, but his wife is completely financially dependent on him.

 

And honestly I have zero desire to be stepmom to 3 kids

[BaileyB]

I forgot to mention MM says that “he’ll be there” and that if I became single that he “gets to keep me”.

 

Well, that sounds like the arrogant and entitled thinking of your typical married man. A man who goes home every night to sleep beside and have sex with his wife, to devote his life to his family, while you are waiting for... whatever time and affection he decides to send your way.

 

At least you don't seem to be under the illusion that he will be yours, if only you wait long enough...

 

Rosegold, if you are going to leave your husband to find a partner who can give you the love and the life that you deserve - at least have the courage to go after what you want. Don't waste your life on a man who can not offer you any kind of future, nothing more than a few stolen moments together...

[vla1120]

If you have enough of an income to support yourself and your son, make the move sooner rather than later, BUT, kick the MM to the curb. Do this on your own because you are unhappy and looking for a better life for yourself. That MM is not going to bring you the happiness you are looking for. Most likely, he could bring you more heartache, especially if his wife finds out about you.

 

Just one last question - and anyone who reads my posts knows I always ask this - do you think counseling would help? You loved him at one time and even married him even though it sounds like maybe he's not the most affectionate man. Is there a chance the two of you could rekindle that spark?

[alphamale]

Interesting take on that. Why do you think that?

 

 

well, once you become single you'll become more available to him and then your value will go down. its all the law of supply and demand.

[RoseGold18]

If you have enough of an income to support yourself and your son, make the move sooner rather than later, BUT, kick the MM to the curb. Do this on your own because you are unhappy and looking for a better life for yourself. That MM is not going to bring you the happiness you are looking for. Most likely, he could bring you more heartache, especially if his wife finds out about you.

 

Just one last question - and anyone who reads my posts knows I always ask this - do you think counseling would help? You loved him at one time and even married him even though it sounds like maybe he's not the most affectionate man. Is there a chance the two of you could rekindle that spark?

 

His wife already knows. They have an opened relationship because she got knocked up after sleeping with each other twice. She wanted to get married. He didn’t (since he was recently divorced) He then agreed to marriage if only if it were an open relationship. She agreed and according to him is fine with it because they both understand he difference between love and just sex.

 

He has answered her calls when I’m around before and he’ll say things like we’re just getting drinks. So it seems like he might be telling the truth. Not that I really care. I’m the one who is lying, so I have no judgment.

 

It sucks because I do think about the what could’ve been quite often. But I know it’s pointless because we can’t turn back time.

 

I know that I have to do this for me, and even if the MM wants to be with me, it would be difficult. I mean I know it could be done if he really wanted to, but I realize it would be a mess.

 

I have no expectation of him leaving his wife for me. She just started college and will be in there for 4 years. He supports her pretty much 100%. On top of that, I make more than he does.

[RoseGold18]

 

Just one last question - and anyone who reads my posts knows I always ask this - do you think counseling would help? You loved him at one time and even married him even though it sounds like maybe he's not the most affectionate man. Is there a chance the two of you could rekindle that spark?

 

To answer this part of the question. I would love to say yes, but that’s part of the problem. We have never had a “spark” to begin with. Our sex life has never been passionate and I stayed with him for other reasons.

 

I don’t see how it’s possible to get the spark back, when it was never there to begin with.

 

My husband is either asexual or gay. I can’t change the way that he is.

[RoseGold18]

Well, that sounds like the arrogant and entitled thinking of your typical married man. A man who goes home every night to sleep beside and have sex with his wife, to devote his life to his family, while you are waiting for... whatever time and affection he decides to send your way.

 

At least you don't seem to be under the illusion that he will be yours, if only you wait long enough...

 

Rosegold, if you are going to leave your husband to find a partner who can give you the love and the life that you deserve - at least have the courage to go after what you want. Don't waste your life on a man who can not offer you any kind of future, nothing more than a few stolen moments together...

 

I know you’re right, and believe me I’m not going to wait around for him hoping that he leaves his wife.

 

But I will say that my time spent with him has shown me how much i long for a partner to touch me and be affectionate towards me. Just us going out to lunch, he touches me, talks to me, kisses me and holds me. Makes me realize what I’ve been missing and it makes me even more sad because I go home alone, to my own separate room, and go to sleep in my own separate bed.

 

I think I’m longing so much for this sort of connection (it’s been 10 years) that I could easily fall in love with anyone.... so I know I need to keep my feelings in check. It’s harder with him because we have history and he makes me feel like I’m 21 again.

[bathtub-row]

I have an expression: "You don't know someone until you marry them, but you don't REALLY know them until you divorce them."

 

LOL. That expression was born from experience. I learned that men (the same as women) can become very vindictive when going through the divorce process. Even when you try to end things amicably, it just won't fly sometimes. I believe it has to do with ego and control. Hopefully, your husband won't surprise you (in a bad way).

 

Being a single mom is tough but there are few things worse than a bad marriage. Keeping your family intact for the sake of the kid will make you miserable to the point that you'll probably become so vacant inside that your child will have missed a happier you. He will also become witness to a great deal of dysfunction, which probably isn't what you want to teach him. You want to teach your son to have values but also that he has choices. The fact that you even think your husband is bi-sexual or gay speaks volumes about your relationship with him. Probably time to vamoose.

[standtall]

 

I’ve been having an affair I guess if you could call it that with a married man. He is an old fling of mine from 14 years ago. He is married with 3 kids and is in an open marriage. He has no desire to leave his wife. It’s been going on since July, so not very long. The affair has definitely made me realize how much I miss and enjoy feeling wanted and being touched. We go out on dates and he holds me and then I go home and I just don’t want to live my life like this anymore.

 

Oh man this is ...I don't even know how to express it politely. So are you prepared to by a second wife, lower in rank than his current wife, or even better...just a half hour stress relief for this guy? Hey if your marriage is dead that is one thing, but don't let this model be your basis for leaving. If you think you're doing to out compete his current wife and replace her , think again.

[Artdeco]

Oh man this is ...I don't even know how to express it politely. So are you prepared to by a second wife, lower in rank than his current wife, or even better...just a half hour stress relief for this guy? Hey if your marriage is dead that is one thing, but don't let this model be your basis for leaving. If you think you're doing to out compete his current wife and replace her , think again.

 

She specifically said that’s not her intention.

OTOH though, I wonder if there’s another MM/AP involved, as I believe there was an affair mentioned from the AM website previously somewhere?

[RoseGold18]

She specifically said that’s not her intention.

OTOH though, I wonder if there’s another MM/AP involved, as I believe there was an affair mentioned from the AM website previously somewhere?

 

There was one AM encounter before my current affair. We hooked up once and then he eventually stopped contacting me.

 

There is no else I am seeing.

 

I understand I come second to this MM wife. They have kids together and I get it. All I wanted was to have some fun and not make it into anything serious. I think we both agree but I realize sometimes emotions can get in the way.

 

I may need to eventually back away. I’ve started to a little. I wait till he contacts me, which is usually daily or every other day. But I told myself I’m not going to put the effort in anymore. I need to protect my own heart. If he wants to see me and I’m available then sure, but I’m not going to be the one initiating anymore and clearing my schedule to accommodate him. I can feel myself already slipping.

 

This MM and I have history and we could’ve been something great. We talk about it quite often when we’re together, but that’s in the past. Our sexual chemistry though has always been amazing. I am not trying to break up a family. We’re both from broken homes. He has told me he loves me and I brush it off.

 

We talk about life in general like friends do. We talk about our kids, our spouses, our childhood, and just random things. He comments that even if this affair ends that he still wants to be my friend. I don’t know, maybe because he lost his mother and I knew her. And he doesn’t seem to have a lot of friendships in general.

 

It certainly sucks. MM probably thinks I’m a whore. I don’t know what he thinks. He has sex with his wife frequently and I know I’m the one missing out in having a fulfilling relationship. Believe me, if only we can turn back time. We say a lot of the time. But I told him it would probably would’ve ended in some tragic way. And ultimately I know this will sound shocking but I want someone that just loves/wants me and not someone that wants an open relationship. Obviously, him and his wife have this arrangement and I know it wouldn’t be something I would want if I really loved someone.

 

I’m sorry for rambling but really I would’ve been fine with getting together, hooking up, and then leaving over and over again. But he is he one that always wants to go out to lunch/dinner and talk and I think that’s what makes me start to fall in love.

Edited October 10, 2018 by RoseGold18

[Mr. Lucky]

And ultimately I know this will sound shocking but I want someone that just loves/wants me and not someone that wants an open relationship.

 

Indeed shocking considering you cheated on your own marriage at least twice and over several years.

 

RoseGold18, there's two separate issues here. One is, what kind of relationship do you want to be in? But the second, equally important, is what kind of person - and partner - will you be? If your MO is to look elsewhere for satisfaction when things get tough in your marriage, hard to predict long-term success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[notbroken]

Quite honestly, as long as you are cheating any decision you make is suspect. You can't think clearly and rationally as long as your not 100% 'in the game'. There is no one worse than the husband of a cheating wife (at least according to the wife because she has to justify what she is doing). You said your husband is emotionally distant, etc. I am a firm believer in you get what you give most of the time and would bet you are also distant to him. Is your family worth one more try with your husband while you are 'all in' (ie. not cheating and being 100% devoted to him)? If not, do him the favor of divorcing him. The married man is very bad for you and your family. Both during your marriage and afterward. Ditch him - forever.

[BaileyB]

RoseGold18, there's two separate issues here. One is, what kind of relationship do you want to be in? But the second, equally important, is what kind of person - and partner - will you be? If your MO is to look elsewhere for satisfaction when things get tough in your marriage, hard to predict long-term success...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would like to say - "Perhaps, with the right person it may be different..."

 

But Rosegold, the truth is that you were presented with a choice - you could either take the high road (being, an amicable divorce and a future relationship with a man who is single and available to love and commit to you as a partner), or the low road... And you took the low road. Despite all of the well meaning advice you received and the words of wisdom from those who had walked this path before you and learned this lesson the hard way... You still took the low road - twice. That says something...

Edited October 10, 2018 by BaileyB