vespertine78 Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 Hi. My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me a few weeks ago, and it was completely unexpected. We live about an hour apart, and we both divorced and have children from previous relationships. Because of our schedules and distance, the time we spent with each other was usually an entire weekend or an overnight every couple of weeks. It was very hard to meet for short dates. We hadn't met each other's children yet, but had started to talk about it. It turns out that his 12-year-old son was afraid or nervous that I had 2 younger children, and didn't seem very interested in meeting me. My boyfriend felt guilty about this and worried a lot about it. He didn't talk to me about it, because he didn't want me to think he son was a jerk. He broke up with me on the phone the morning I was about to spend another weekend with him. I was completely in shock. His reasons were the distance, and that he didn't see how we could possibly make the relationship work. I had been arranging my schedule as much as possible to maximize the time we could spend together, and the next weekend, we were supposed to stay in a cabin together. A couple of days ago, I decided to email him, and told him I missed him and hoped he was doing well. He replied, saying he missed me too, and didn't want me to be hurting. That night I texted him goodnight, and he texted me good morning the next morning. We texted and emailed a little bit more, but I feel like maybe I appeared too excited or hinted that I wanted him back, and he picked up on that. I think he's confused now. He complimented me and told me how kind, beautiful, intelligent, and sweet I am, and we have NEVER had an actual fight or argument. All we have is care for eachother, and we miss eachother. We have emailed about some things that we should have talked about and never did, including the issue with his son. I guess I don't understand why he broke up with me and why we can't give it another shot. I love him so much, and he treated me better than anyone's ever treated me before. Please give me some advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Mardelis Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 He broke up with you and gave you several reasons which is more than most people ever get. There's nothing you can do to change another person's mind, all you can do is accept it's over and move on. I'm not trying to minimize but it was only 5 months. Its not like you were together for years and lived together and had children together. Your reaction is out of proportion to the situation and you need to work on yourself and figure out why. Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 His reasons were the distance, and that he didn't see how we could possibly make the relationship work. ... I guess I don't understand why he broke up with me ... Please give me some advice... Hi vespertine78, just focusing on what he said, what is your plan for how this would work? Would you continue to travel to see each other? Would one of you move to the other? Who would move? How would this affect the children, given the assumption they are comfortable with where they are, their schools, friends, etc. If you've thought about all of these things, did you tell him about your ideas? He said he doesn't see how it could work. If you see a way for it to work, that should have been, and maybe still can be, shared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vespertine78 Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 My plan is that we would continue to travel to see each other, at least for the next year or so. Eventually, I was hoping we could live together. I own a home and he rents. He works from home and could actually live anywhere. He just has to live somewhat near his son's mom for custody reasons. My kids already switched schools this year and my daughter is set to move to middle school next year and switch anyway. They are both really outgoing kids and adjust well. I think we would probably be the ones to move, because of his custody situation. I was prepared to do that. I tried to talk to him a little about my plans when he was breaking up with me, but I feel like I wish I'd had a chance before it came to that. He never told me he was having doubts or wasn't sure how it would work. I thought we would have plenty of time to work on a plan. It happened so abruptly, and I think it was maybe because his son had issues with his dad dating. His son's mother has a boyfriend and they fight, and it upsets him. He may be fearing the same thing will happen with his dad. That is my best guess. Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 I think it was maybe because his son had issues with his dad dating. His son's mother has a boyfriend and they fight, and it upsets him. He may be fearing the same thing will happen with his dad. That is my best guess. Wow, your plan sounds solid to me. You really have thought this out and are willing to compromise and be flexible. I'm impressed! As for the quoted portion above, about the son, it's generally understood that allowing children to direct the lives of adults is not appropriate. This is what child therapy is for, and my son's therapist would have this taken care of within a couple months or so. Unless there is something else going on, these are both solvable problems. I think it's worth asking him about this. I mean, what do you have to lose? I'd keep your expectations low, though, and prepare yourself in case there is a painful "real answer" different from what he said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vespertine78 Posted October 10, 2018 Author Share Posted October 10, 2018 Thank you, shydad! I'm a planner by nature, and so is he, actually, which is kind of why when he said, "I don't see how we can make this work" I knew there had to be more to it. His son is in therapy, but I'm not sure if I have ever come up in therapy - I would assume not. I do know that his son has a lot of anxiety about a lot of things. He will text his dad from his mom's house if there's a thunderstorm. He would text his dad when we were out on a date, saying he wanted to be picked up because he was having a bad time with friends or felt uncomfortable somewhere. This seems to be a sort of ongoing thing, and I'm wondering if he's letting his son's anxiety have a little too much impact on his own life. Maybe his son needs to learn how to better cope with problems so that he doesn't need his dad to walk him through every difficult situation. I don't think its my place to say it, but I feel like his son may be keeping him from getting into any serious relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 I feel like his son may be keeping him from getting into any serious relationships. Well, yea, and it's bad for everyone: It's bad for the dad because the dad is permitting the child to dictate that he not have a normal life.It's bad for the child because the dad is also teaching the child that what he's doing is ok. I worry about what the child's expectations will be as an adult, but at least there is a therapist involved.It's bad for you because you're losing a good opportunity at a solid relationship. The therapist should have been told about this, queried for direction, and then that direction should have been followed. Maybe potentially you can still get in contact with the dad to talk about this? Food for thought: The son is scared of his dad having a relationship with a woman because his mom and her boyfriend fight? I can't think of a better way of helping with this fear than providing a healthy, loving relationship as an example of what's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vespertine78 Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 I agree with everything you said. The dad carries a LOT of guilt about the divorce. His son doesn't understand why his parents aren't together right now, and hasn't been told the reason (infidelity on his mom's part). He worries constantly whether or not he's doing the right thing for his son. He told me the same thing regarding our relationship - he doesn't know what the right thing to do is, because he misses me and cares about me and wants to be close to me, but doesn't know how to make it work. I think all it takes is a commitment, but I feel like he's made the decision more complicated and overwhelming than it needs to be. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 He broke up with you as to his mind it will not work. Why he thinks that no-one really knows apart from him. Most dumpers try to soften the blow, so whilst his son may be anxious, it may actually be nothing to do with why he ended it. He did not come to you asking how the two of you could make this work, no, he broke up with you, so you have to listen to him and accept it... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2018 Share Posted October 12, 2018 I think he has other reasons for ending it that are unrelated to his son, too. I don't doubt his son is anxious and not enthusiastic about meeting you, but my gut would be telling me he's gone of this relationship for other reasons as well. He already closed the door on trying to work it out, which suggests his emotional detachment is significant enough to not want to try to patch it up. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
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