Moving on from past affair and divorce

[Elana254]

I'm an ex wife, now divorced. Cheated on my ex husband more than 2.5 years ago and got caught.

I posted on the other forum back then, that forum had a dedicated "wayward spouse" section.

Don't want to go back there for a number of reasons. Technically I was the "other woman" as well as my affair partner was in relationship at the time.

 

I feel I'm at crossroads now and wouldn't mind help.

[]

Edited October 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Moved to proper forum and edited for topical content

[darkbloom]

Can you share a bit more about what advice you’re seeking so we can help? Not sure whether your question is as an OW or as a single woman.

[somanymistakes]

The infidelity section is mostly for if you want to talk about your relationship with your spouse, either because your spouse is cheating or because you cheated and you want help trying to patch things up with your spouse.

 

This section is if you want to talk about the problems that come from having a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship - the frustration of having to keep secrets, the angst of wondering if he will ever leave his partner for you, the back and forth of thinking that it might go somewhere only to have it all collapse again, etc.

 

If you're both no longer involved with other people and just together, you could probably just be in a normal relationship area of the forum, unless your problems are directly related to things that happened during the affair. Like, if you're together now but you can't trust each other because of your history of cheating, then you can probably talk about that in this area.

 

Really you probably should just post what the question/problem is and let the mods redirect it if need be.

[Elana254]

Thank you for your clarifications.

 

This is not about relationship with my affair partner - he's been dead to me since 2016.

Of course my frustration is because my relationship with him costed me my marriage but that was my fault entirely.

 

It has been over 2.5 years since I got caught and a year after the divorce and I'm still in limbo I'm not getting the right advice from my family who in a very complicated way were involved in my affair. That's why I thought out this forum. I just don't want to get "you deserved it" comments all over again - I know that.

 

It sounds like my post should be elsewhere, lets see if someone can move it.

[BaileyB]

Push the little "alert us" button and they will move it.

 

I'm sorry that you are struggling. Yes, we all make mistakes in life and unfortunately some of those mistakes have long lasting consequences. I hope that you find the support that you need here.

 

Welcome.

[Elana254]

Thank you Bailey,

 

I'm actually scared to move it to the infidelity section but will give it a try.

[darkbloom]

What do you feel your struggles are moving forward? What issues are you facing that is causing you to feel this way?

[Elana254]

What do you feel your struggles are moving forward? What issues are you facing that is causing you to feel this way?

 

More than 2 years ago I was stupid enough to destroy my family and my life by cheating on my now ex husband for no apparent reason. I should probably say for no compelling reason. Then I was stupid enough again and blew the only tiny chance I may got to keep it. I mean that when I was caught instead if owning it it tried to save the face by coming up with the story how unhappy I was.

 

Now, when everyone around me moved on - my ex husband, my son, my parents, my friends, I'm the only one who feels stuck.

I cant go back (I wish! ) and can't move forward no matter what I try.

Fell totally lost here.

 

Thank you for asking.

[BaileyB]

Have you seen a counsellor Elana?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elana, how long were you married, how old are you and how old is your son? Did you and your husband try reconciling? How long did your affair last and how did you get caught? Also why did your AP dump you? Finally, you said your family was involved in a complicated way in your infidelity. How was that and why did you cheat? Lastly what kind of advice are you looking for from folks on here? Answers to these questions may help folks on here to better relate to your situation and therefore give you more focussed advice. Wish you the very best.

[Elana254]

Thanks Mods for moving and renaming my post.

[Elana254]

Have you seen a counsellor Elana?

 

I have. Out of two counsels I was referred to, one was very shallow and trivial. She sounded like miost of my friends over a coffee, no sense of competence.

 

The other one was very knowledgeable, but she was set on the path of discovering why I did what I did. Maybe important but not exactly what I needed.

 

I want to move forward not to reiterate the past endlessly (which is exactly where I am now)

 

Both were not very helpful. Perhaps here in Australia counselling is not as developed as elsewhere!?

[Mr. Lucky]

The other one was very knowledgeable, but she was set on the path of discovering why I did what I did. Maybe important but not exactly what I needed.

 

I'm going to guess many of us will strongly disagree with your statement.

 

I want to move forward not to reiterate the past endlessly (which is exactly where I am now)

 

And this is where understanding and ownership of your actions comes into play. How do you avoid repeating the same negative behaviors without understanding their causes? Knowledge is power, and never more so than in a situation like yours where you're trying to effectuate change.

 

Sounds like the second counselor tried to get you to do something really hard and you bailed instead. That type of avoidance is a trait that enables cheating in the first place.

 

And yes, that's a lesson I learned the hard way ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jamess1]

More than 2 years ago I was stupid enough to destroy my family and my life by cheating on my now ex husband for no apparent reason. I should probably say for no compelling reason.

 

The reason was there, you felt your husband was less than enough and that you could do better. You were presented with an apparently better option and you took it...

 

With more information I could hv given you a better refined answer...

[Elana254]

Hi Elana, how long were you married, how old are you and how old is your son? Did you and your husband try reconciling? How long did your affair last and how did you get caught? Also why did your AP dump you? Finally, you said your family was involved in a complicated way in your infidelity. How was that and why did you cheat? Lastly what kind of advice are you looking for from folks on here? Answers to these questions may help folks on here to better relate to your situation and therefore give you more focussed advice. Wish you the very best.

 

Were married for approximately 20 years when it happened. We are both 40+ (my ex husband is slightly older), son is a teenager.

My affair lasted few months and I was caught when my husband intercepted a message to me from AP.

AP dumped me because he's a gutless garbage. He didn't want any drama. Disappeared as soon as he learned my husband knows who he is.

There was no reconciliation the way I understand it. My husband was deed set on the divorce. That was a huge shock for me of course. I think I blew whatever chances I had to change his mind by saying some nasty things I didn't mean.

 

I have to answer the rest later. This is getting hard.

[BaileyB]

The other one was very knowledgeable, but she was set on the path of discovering why I did what I did. Maybe important but not exactly what I needed.

 

I'm not going to say that it is not helpful to discover why you made the decisions you did... Self reflection is important as you want to learn from your mistakes.

 

But, there is debate over whether it is important to understand the past, or focus on the future. In my work, we do a lot of what we call - solution focused coaching - which is basically deciding on a desired goal and determining what you need to do to get there. Is that what you want to do - decide what you want for your life and then figure out what you need to do to rebuild a happy life for yourself?

[vla1120]

I'm not going to say that it is not helpful to discover why you made the decisions you did... Self reflection is important as you want to learn from your mistakes.

 

But, there is debate over whether it is important to understand the past, or focus on the future. In my work, we do a lot of what we call - solution focused coaching - which is basically deciding on a desired goal and determining what you need to do to get there. Is that what you want to do - decide what you want for your life and then figure out what you need to do to rebuild a happy life for yourself?

 

This is the exact way my therapist and I work together. I have my list of goals and desired outcomes and things I can/should be doing to work toward those goals/outcomes. It helps keep me focused. When I get side tracked (like I am recently), that is when I find myself feeling frustrated.

 

Maybe that is exactly what you need - to look at where you want to be and how to get there.

[Elana254]

I'm not going to say that it is not helpful to discover why you made the decisions you did... Self reflection is important as you want to learn from your mistakes.

 

But, there is debate over whether it is important to understand the past, or focus on the future. In my work, we do a lot of what we call - solution focused coaching - which is basically deciding on a desired goal and determining what you need to do to get there. Is that what you want to do - decide what you want for your life and then figure out what you need to do to rebuild a happy life for yourself?

 

This is very close to what is on my mind, thank you. Let me think about that for a moment.

[Elana254]

This is the exact way my therapist and I work together. I have my list of goals and desired outcomes and things I can/should be doing to work toward those goals/outcomes. It helps keep me focused. When I get side tracked (like I am recently), that is when I find myself feeling frustrated.

 

Maybe that is exactly what you need - to look at where you want to be and how to get there.

 

Very likely, thank you.

[Elana254]

I'm going to guess many of us will strongly disagree with your statement.

 

 

 

And this is where understanding and ownership of your actions comes into play. How do you avoid repeating the same negative behaviors without understanding their causes? Knowledge is power, and never more so than in a situation like yours where you're trying to effectuate change.

 

Sounds like the second counselor tried to get you to do something really hard and you bailed instead. That type of avoidance is a trait that enables cheating in the first place.

 

And yes, that's a lesson I learned the hard way ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

In a way I agree with what you are saying. However my point is that I understand why I did what I did. I would like to be able to move on from there. Not relieve it all over again.

 

Especially when the only person I wish I can convince this is not gonna happen again couldn't care less now.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elana, I wanted to suggest that you locate and read the thread by "dead soul" a lady who, like you was in an affair which was exposed. The main difference between your situation and hers was that she was given a chance to reconcile with her husband and if I remember correctly, she confessed about her affair to her husband. I lost track of her thread in between because I could not access the forum for a while and so I am not sure how things finally panned out for her. However, the bulk of her thread will do you a lot of good to read as some of the questions that you ask yourself but have not outlined here may be addressed in her thread. I would strongly urge you to read there for,if nothing else, it will help you to cope with your situation. Best wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elana, as a post script I would like to add that you also read the threads by Lovin' DKT3 and the current one by FAR on the infidelity thread. Both will give you some valuable insights about how to go about things. Of course this presupposes that you would like to try again with your husband if he is willing( He might just be, twenty years of history is a lot to throw away overnight). I do not know where you stand on this but it is worth a try as now you have nothing to lose. Hope this helps. Best wishes.

[Elana254]

Bailey and Vla, thank you. You are absolutely right. I need to first decide want I want and second - how to get there.

 

My real problem is - I don't know what I want. I have never ever considered a life outside of the our family. Now when its gone where do I belong? What's my goal? What should I dedicate myself to?

 

Just the guy, I wanted nothing more than somehow get my husband back. I'm still trying bur getting nowhere. I try and try and offer to do it on his terms. Whatever they are. He's just not interested. The speed he turned around like this is horrifying. Like he flipped a switch and turned business like. I know I should not but I'm starting to question his true feelings all these hears. I deserve hate and anger from him. But indifference?

 

So where to go now? Advice I'm getting is to meet someone and build another family. The thing is I'm not I interested in anyone else. Apart from that, each time I'm being asked out I can't stop thinking what if my ex husband maybe ready to give me another chance? And if he learns I was out he changes his mind?

 

My mother tried to set me up for a date some time ago. I spent a week in a nervous breakdown after that. Given that she introduced me to the AP back then I don't think I overreacted.

 

Definition of "stuck"

[FMW]

It sounds like you are afraid to be alone and afraid to look too closely at yourself. I think you have to do both, at least for a while, to figure out how to go forward. There are no easy answers, you have to find the courage to do the hard work.

[vla1120]

Bailey and Vla, thank you. You are absolutely right. I need to first decide want I want and second - how to get there.

 

My real problem is - I don't know what I want. I have never ever considered a life outside of the our family. Now when its gone where do I belong? What's my goal? What should I dedicate myself to?

 

Just the guy, I wanted nothing more than somehow get my husband back. I'm still trying bur getting nowhere. I try and try and offer to do it on his terms. Whatever they are. He's just not interested. The speed he turned around like this is horrifying. Like he flipped a switch and turned business like. I know I should not but I'm starting to question his true feelings all these hears. I deserve hate and anger from him. But indifference?

 

So where to go now? Advice I'm getting is to meet someone and build another family. The thing is I'm not I interested in anyone else. Apart from that, each time I'm being asked out I can't stop thinking what if my ex husband maybe ready to give me another chance? And if he learns I was out he changes his mind?

 

My mother tried to set me up for a date some time ago. I spent a week in a nervous breakdown after that. Given that she introduced me to the AP back then I don't think I overreacted.

 

Definition of "stuck"

 

It is okay not to have the answers right now concerning what you want or where you belong. Maybe for right now, just concentrate on living in this moment right here - not dwelling on the past - not worrying about the future. Think about this, instead - you have the freedom to be/do anything you want right now. What are your interests? Would you like to go back to school, or take a cooking or woodworking class? Maybe you would enjoy volunteering your time at the local animal shelter or hospital? The sky's the limit. Take this time right now to concentrate on YOU.

 

You cannot control your husband's emotions or behavior. The only thing you have control over is you - and your reactions to what happens around you. I have been told there is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman in control of her life and choices who exudes confidence. Let your husband see THAT woman. Even if he does not give you another chance, perhaps those steps will help you move forward enough to find happiness without having a goal for yourself that depends upon another person's actions. I hope that makes sense.