Moving on from past affair and divorce

[elaine567]

I wanted nothing more than somehow get my husband back. I'm still trying bur getting nowhere. I try and try and offer to do it on his terms. Whatever they are. He's just not interested. The speed he turned around like this is horrifying. Like he flipped a switch and turned business like. I know I should not but I'm starting to question his true feelings all these hears. I deserve hate and anger from him. But indifference?

 

Cheating for some is a deal breaker pure and simple, there is no coming back from that and it can be like a switch was turned off.

He no longer sees you as the woman he married, you chose to cheat on him, so the relationship is done.

It is not an uncommon reaction especially in men.

I think some men value fidelity above everything else in their women, once she shows she is not faithful, they are done.

This I guess is nothing to do with how much or little he loved you, this is about wanting nothing to do with you as soon as you were exposed as a disloyal wife.

Anger and hate are often underpinned by fear; because for him the decision is clear cut and easily made, there is no fear.

He is just finished, nothing to discuss or talk about or mull over, hence the indifference.

Finito.

 

The past is over let it go.

It is not easy to do I know, but you need to start focussing on the future now.

[Elana254]

It sounds like you are afraid to be alone and afraid to look too closely at yourself. I think you have to do both, at least for a while, to figure out how to go forward. There are no easy answers, you have to find the courage to do the hard work.

 

I guess I am afraid to be alone. At the sane time I don't really want to be with anyone. Except that only one person who is unable to forgive me.

[Elana254]

It is okay not to have the answers right now concerning what you want or where you belong. Maybe for right now, just concentrate on living in this moment right here - not dwelling on the past - not worrying about the future. Think about this, instead - you have the freedom to be/do anything you want right now. What are your interests? Would you like to go back to school, or take a cooking or woodworking class? Maybe you would enjoy volunteering your time at the local animal shelter or hospital? The sky's the limit. Take this time right now to concentrate on YOU.

 

You cannot control your husband's emotions or behavior. The only thing you have control over is you - and your reactions to what happens around you. I have been told there is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman in control of her life and choices who exudes confidence. Let your husband see THAT woman. Even if he does not give you another chance, perhaps those steps will help you move forward enough to find happiness without having a goal for yourself that depends upon another person's actions. I hope that makes sense.

 

That is a great advice. Thank you. I may not be able to follow it straightaway. But I need to try.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elana, what you wrote about your husband showing complete indifference is the reason I suggested reading the thread by FAR, in the Infidelity section. It is titled "She still won't give up". FAR also divorced his wife cold turkey when he discovered her infidelity and shut her off completely. However, she inveigled her way back into his life over a year later because she was determined to get back with him and now he is in two minds about her. Read that thread and you may even query FAR as to what made him accept his ex wife back into his life. I am sure he will be ready to give you a lot of useful advice which you can use to get back with your hisband. No harm in trying. Best wishes.

[Elana254]

I understand what I did was horrible. I keep telling this to myself as days go by.

 

But maybe he should've given me a chance? After all three years together? Perhaps he could've just make an attempt. Just try?

At least express something but indifference?

 

Cheating for some is a deal breaker pure and simple, there is no coming back from that and it can be like a switch was turned off.

He no longer sees you as the woman he married, you chose to cheat on him, so the relationship is done.

It is not an uncommon reaction especially in men.

I think some men value fidelity above everything else in their women, once she shows she is not faithful, they are done.

This I guess is nothing to do with how much or little he loved you, this is about wanting nothing to do with you as soon as you were exposed as a disloyal wife.

Anger and hate are often underpinned by fear; because for him the decision is clear cut and easily made, there is no fear.

He is just finished, nothing to discuss or talk about or mull over, hence the indifference.

Finito.

 

The past is over let it go.

It is not easy to do I know, but you need to start focussing on the future now.

[Elana254]

Hi Elana, what you wrote about your husband showing complete indifference is the reason I suggested reading the thread by FAR, in the Infidelity section. It is titled "She still won't give up". FAR also divorced his wife cold turkey when he discovered her infidelity and shut her off completely. However, she inveigled her way back into his life over a year later because she was determined to get back with him and now he is in two minds about her. Read that thread and you may even query FAR as to what made him accept his ex wife back into his life. I am sure he will be ready to give you a lot of useful advice which you can use to get back with your hisband. No harm in trying. Best wishes.

 

Thank you. I will try to locate it.

[brigit87]

I understand what I did was horrible. I keep telling this to myself as days go by.

 

But maybe he should've given me a chance? After all three years together? Perhaps he could've just make an attempt. Just try?

At least express something but indifference?

 

Your best bet at healing is acceptance.

 

You had an affair, got caught, and now are paying for it. That needs to be radically accepted by you.

 

He didn't want to give you a chance and moved forward. That also needs to be radically accepted by you.

 

So what do you do now?

 

You can figure out who you really are and what you really want.

[elaine567]

I understand what I did was horrible. I keep telling this to myself as days go by.

 

But maybe he should've given me a chance? After all three years together? Perhaps he could've just make an attempt. Just try?

At least express something but indifference?

Some "crimes" are considered so heinous there is no second chance.

To some marriage is all about trust, loyalty and sexual fidelity, take those away and there is nothing left.

[Elana254]

Some "crimes" are considered so heinous there is no second chance.

To some marriage is all about trust, loyalty and sexual fidelity, take those away and there is nothing left.

 

I think I have to accept it. My hopes for a "miracle clue" are naive.

I'm sorry for troubling you all. This is the reality.

It is just when I read around here... most stories involve some sort of consideration on a husband side. Second chance.

in my case my husband dumped me like a proverbial hot potato. I deserved it I know. Hoped he'd be intetsted enough to try. Not.

Who else? My mother hooked me up with the affair partner in the 1st place. My father thinks my husband is SOB and I deserve better. My female friends seem to be happy inside my family is ruined.

That's why I reached out here. Shouldn't have expected any better.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elana did you try and find FAR's thread? Remember there is no magic solution to what has happened. As a mature adult you have to accept the consequences of your actions. When you entered the affair you knew you were taking a big risk. Also in all the years that you were married to your husband you would have realized what kind of a man he was, what would be his boundaries and what he was capable of accepting and what he could not accept at all. If you did not know this and yet you got into the affair then you would have to accept whatever the outcome, on getting caught.

 

Also, I would suggest that you keep your distance from your family. Your mother is definitely toxic and your father is being naive. Your husband seems to be the only person who can be respected in all this and is an upright man. If you read FAR's thread you will see that you will have to move heaven and earth to get back within the ambit of your husband. What and how you do various things is up to you to finally win over his confidence to maybe give you a second chance. Best of luck to you.

Edited October 18, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Elana254]

Hi Elana did you try and find FAR's thread? Remember there is no magic solution to what has happened. As a mature adult you have to accept the consequences of your actions. When you entered the affair you knew you were taking a big risk. Also in all the years that you were married to your husband you would have realized what kind of a man he was, what would be his boundaries and what he was capable of accepting and what he could not accept at all. If you did not know this and yet you got into the affair then you would have to accept whatever the outcome, on getting caught.

 

Also, I would suggest that you keep your distance from your family. Your mother is definitely toxic and your father is being naive. Your husband seems to be the only person who can be respected in all this and is an upright man. If you read FAR's thread you will see that you will have to move heaven and earth to get back within the ambit of your husband. What and how you do various things is up to you to finally win over his confidence to maybe give you a second chance. Best of luck to you.

 

I did and didn't like it. Not that I don't deserve to be humiliated by my ex husband.

The fact is he would never want or enjoy me being humiliated. Just not him. One of my relatives who called me "w... e" in his presence - after he learned we are divorcing - coped very badly from him.

 

Actually even after he leaned I was unfaithful he never called me names. Ever. I wish he did.

[brigit87]

I did and didn't like it. Not that I don't deserve to be humiliated by my ex husband.

The fact is he would never want or enjoy me being humiliated. Just not him. One of my relatives who called me "w... e" in his presence - after he learned we are divorcing - coped very badly from him.

 

Actually even after he leaned I was unfaithful he never called me names. Ever. I wish he did.

 

Humiliation is silly. It isn't good to force someone to be humiliated or to be humiliated.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family. Is to grief the loss of a marriage and now try to be the best person you can.

[FMW]

I think I have to accept it. My hopes for a "miracle clue" are naive.

I'm sorry for troubling you all. This is the reality. **********

That's why I reached out here. Shouldn't have expected any better.

 

I don't think anyone is being hard on you, just saying that what you posted is right - this is the reality and there is no miracle cure. So the only thing you can do is deal with the bad situation and work on moving forward.

 

Denying reality and refusing to accept where things are now will only keep you miserable and stuck.

 

So as has been discussed, figure out what you want (realistically, not fantasy) and how to get there.

[knitwit]

@Elana254, I am sorry for your pain. Affairs are incredibly destructive for everyone involved.

 

The affair is over, the marriage is over, where to go from here?

 

My recommendation for you is threefold:

 

1. Consider forgiveness for yourself and for your H. Yourself, for the affair, and your H, for his decision to divorce. You're right, there are many people who will work towards healing a marriage after an affair; clearly your husband is not one of them. In the same way that you ultimately need to forgive yourself for making such destructive decisions, I think it would help you heal if you can forgive your H for his coldheartedness. Forgiveness is not the same thing as approval; forgiveness is acknowledgement that we are all imperfect human beings and we will no longer use someone else's imperfections as a weapon against ourselves or others.

 

There was something inside you that allowed you to have an affair, and there is something inside your exH that won't allow him to try to forgive and keep his family together. I bet both of you wish it weren't so- your exH probably

very much wishes that you didn't have the affair and you very much wish that your H would forgive you and work to save your marriage. But it is what it is.

 

To move on, you have to stop beating yourself up. Try not to take your exH's indifference personally- it is about him, it is his way of reacting to a terrible situation, if it's any kind of statement on how he truly felt about you then it is a statement about him and not about you, if that makes sense.

 

2. As part of your work towards forgiveness, I agree with the other poster who asked: who do you want to be now? What are your interests? You will never move forward if you keep looking back. You have never had to think about this before, as you were in a family and had your life path set out. It is time now to reset your "mental map". Your path has changed. It will not help anyone if you crumble.

 

I think a big part of forgiving yourself will involve focused self-care. You never want to engage in anything as destructive as an affair again, yes? To avoid destruction, promise yourself to engage in things that are good for you. Take care of your mind- work on finding positive things about yourself, avoid negative people or people who bring you down. Read positive books, watch uplifting movies, listen to uplifting music. Take care of your body, avoid excessive drinking or eating, get some exercise. If you are religious or spiritual, this is a great time to get more involved, to dig deeper.

 

It sounds like you would be better off if you find new people to hang out with, as your current circle of friends are not supportive and may even find some happiness in your loss. It is harder to find friends as a single older person, but it is important to avoid people who are going to make you feel bad, who will be all too happy to tell you about how your ex is moving on, etc. I would be really angry with your mom, as well, as she played a big part in the destruction of your family. You can't trust her to have your back or to look out for your best interests.

 

You are getting a reboot. You get to decide where you want to go from here. You can rebuild your life into something that has purpose for you. You've had a huge loss, but you still also have a lot to be grateful for. Gratitude lists are powerful tools; they help us recognize the many wonderful things we have and enjoy and helps to bring even more wonderful things into our lives.

 

3. Find/create/seek out supports for your new life. This ties in with self-care. But one thing I've learned with age, that I wish I had known when I was younger, is that we are ALL flawed human beings. We all fail at some things, many things, and sometimes they are really big failures. Our flaws and failures do not mean we are horrible and unworthy people!

 

Instead, what it means is that we truly need to build our environments and families and friends to help support us. We need to accumulate tools and supports to help protect us against our worse characteristics and to build on our strengths.

 

So if you find yourself stuck, think about what you can bring into your life to help you, that will be truly good for you (not a "quick fix" like drugs or people who will use you/be used by you.) Find good friends, reach out, get involved in something you care about, write in journals, buy yourself flowers and speak to yourself with care. Do something each day, quietly, that will benefit others, even if it's just giving a dollar to a cause at your local grocery store when you check out. We tend to feel good when we do good for others.

 

This is a super long post, sorry about that! I hope some of it is useful to you. You have life today and ahead, and I hope you can move out of your season of grieving and into a new season of rebuilding.

[stillafool]

I know acceptance that your husband is gone for good is not easy but your healing starts there. You have to accept his decision that he is done. He has the right to decide what is best for him and he doesn't see himself moving forward with you. We all make poor decisions in life and unfortunately there is a price to pay for those choices. It isn't healthy for you to blame your parents and friends for your affair either as that won't help you to get to the root of why you chose to cheat. I guess that was what your second therapist was trying to get you to work out and it would have helped you if you gave it a chance. As someone else said here now that you are free decide what you've always wanted to do in life and do it. Men are far less forgiving of affairs than women. Even the men who try to reconcile after their wife's affair never quite feel the same way about her and the marriage takes on a whole new dimension. Some end up eventually leaving anyway. Men say they have these "mind movies" where all they can see is their wives having sex with the other man and they get disgusted. They say it's maddening. If you feel defeated because you are still trying to get your husband back you are setting yourself up for failure. You have to accept that he is gone.

[DKT3]

Some things that you have wrote are troubling. First, it appears that you only became interested in your husband once your AP bailed. There seems to still be a great deal of anger towards your AP for dumping you.

 

Secondly, you dont seem to acknowledge that YOU hurt your husband. You speak of his indifference towards you, it's like not that at all. It's likely him protecting himself from you. That is a result of the pain you caused.

 

These along with a few other reasons are why you seen stuck. I think once you truly accept and acknowledge that you hurt your husband and what he has done as a result of that pain is a reasonable and understandable decision for him, it will help you move pass this and on with your life. Divorcing you and detaching is a healthy process for him. So please dont buy into this idea that was kinda put out there in a pervious post that you need to forgive him for doing so. You made decisions that resulted in him making decisions, he didn't do it to you but for him.

[Elana254]

Humiliation is silly. It isn't good to force someone to be humiliated or to be humiliated.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family. Is to grief the loss of a marriage and now try to be the best person you can.

 

And that's like I didn't like that thread that was recommended to me. A man who likes a woman humiliated.

When trying to convince my ex husband to give me a chance, I offered him as much as I could. A lot of things suggested from that other website. Would out me in a vulnerable and to a degree humiliated position.

His response? "I need a wife, not a slave".

So I don't think that stuff would help him or me.

 

Thanks for the other replies. I'll read them later.

[DKT3]

Humiliation is silly. It isn't good to force someone to be humiliated or to be humiliated.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family. Is to grief the loss of a marriage and now try to be the best person you can.

 

There is very little room for pride and vanity in attempting to reconcile after infidelity for either spouse. A wayward spouse who wants to stand proudly and not humble themselves will never be successful in doing such. Humiliation is silly? Well if that were true then it would be silly for any betrayed spouse to consider taking a cheater back, there is nothing more humiliating in a marriage then to forsaken for another.

[elaine567]

OK but some BHs in particular, seem to take malicious pleasure in punishing and humiliating a wayward wife.

I am not sure how effective that is in repairing or reconciling a marriage, nor how effective that is in inducing loyalty thereafter...

[brigit87]

OK but some BHs in particular, seem to take malicious pleasure in punishing and humiliating a wayward wife.

I am not sure how effective that is in repairing or reconciling a marriage, nor how effective that is in inducing loyalty thereafter...

 

Women have been stoned for things men have gotten away with for centuries. No more humiliation. Enough.

 

 

Take ownership in one's mistakes and try to correct them is a better path for all.

[DKT3]

OK but some BHs in particular, seem to take malicious pleasure in punishing and humiliating a wayward wife.

I am not sure how effective that is in repairing or reconciling a marriage, nor how effective that is in inducing loyalty thereafter...

 

Humility is not abuse. There is a difference.

 

Too many wayward spouses believe being held responsible is humiliating. No, it's a consequence. People knowing is a consequence, not having your spouse trust you is a consequence, having your spouse move on is a consequence. No BS is perfect, clearly the WS isnt. But there is no training on how to react to the knowledge of having a cheating partner. Its flawed logic for a clearly imperfect person to expect a wounded person to act perfectly in their eyes. If OP had her way her husband should just except what she has done. Sadly others here have reinforced this flawed logic.

 

As a side, are we really comparing being cheated on with being called a name for cheating? If you steal people will call you a thief, if you murder people will call you a murderer. So if you cheat people will call you a ....... it that humiliation that is undeserved or unearned?

[elaine567]

Humility is not abuse. There is a difference.

Humility is not abuse true. Humility is a state of humbleness, modesty meekness, but humiliation can be abuse of course it can.

Humiliation is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is an emotion felt by a person whose social status, either by force or willingly, has just decreased.

It can be brought about through intimidation, physical or mental mistreatment or trickery, or by embarrassment if a person is revealed to have committed a socially or legally unacceptable act

.

[DKT3]

Humility is not abuse true. Humility is a state of humbleness, modesty meekness, but humiliation can be abuse of course it can.

.

 

Willingly.....by having an affair one is willingly subjecting themselves to humiliation. It's not the betrayed spouse telling people it's the fact that they did something that they are humiliated because others know they did it. Of course a betrayed spouse wont think as highly of a WS after finding out about the affair. I believe this is where OP is having the issues. I think she believes her ex owes her a chance to reconcile and his decision to divorce is somehow mistreating her. Here is the thing, had she been humble after being caught maybe things would be different. She admitted she wasn't, not until she was dumped and her husband was moving on.

 

I personally never called my wife nasty names after finding out, but I thought of her as those bad names. Is that better that I didn't say them, or that I thought about my children maybe hearing me say them. I've been called cold and calculated, but I dont fault those who are more emotionally charged to let a few names go. In my mind its understandable. Not right, but understandable.

[BeenThereDoneThat17]

More than 2 years ago I was stupid enough to destroy my family and my life by cheating on my now ex husband for no apparent reason. I should probably say for no compelling reason. Then I was stupid enough again and blew the only tiny chance I may got to keep it. I mean that when I was caught instead if owning it it tried to save the face by coming up with the story how unhappy I was.

 

Now, when everyone around me moved on - my ex husband, my son, my parents, my friends, I'm the only one who feels stuck.

I cant go back (I wish! ) and can't move forward no matter what I try.

Fell totally lost here.

 

Thank you for asking.

 

There is nothing you can do but move on. You made your decision, for your reasons at the time, and if your H was not able to forgive, he did the best thing by moving on too. Sometimes you cannot take things back and sometimes you cannot right a wrong. It's just too much damage.

 

Humility is not abuse. There is a difference.

 

Too many wayward spouses believe being held responsible is humiliating. No, it's a consequence. People knowing is a consequence, not having your spouse trust you is a consequence, having your spouse move on is a consequence. No BS is perfect, clearly the WS isnt. But there is no training on how to react to the knowledge of having a cheating partner. Its flawed logic for a clearly imperfect person to expect a wounded person to act perfectly in their eyes. If OP had her way her husband should just except what she has done. Sadly others here have reinforced this flawed logic.

 

As a side, are we really comparing being cheated on with being called a name for cheating? If you steal people will call you a thief, if you murder people will call you a murderer. So if you cheat people will call you a ....... it that humiliation that is undeserved or unearned?

 

If you are going to accept what your spouse has done, then truly ACCEPT it. I've read this forum for awhile, and you don't. You are still here posting literally years after remarrying her and that says you have not let it go. So either move on or let it go. TRULY let it go. You haven't.

 

Willingly.....by having an affair one is willingly subjecting themselves to humiliation. It's not the betrayed spouse telling people it's the fact that they did something that they are humiliated because others know they did it. Of course a betrayed spouse wont think as highly of a WS after finding out about the affair. I believe this is where OP is having the issues. I think she believes her ex owes her a chance to reconcile and his decision to divorce is somehow mistreating her. Here is the thing, had she been humble after being caught maybe things would be different. She admitted she wasn't, not until she was dumped and her husband was moving on.

 

I personally never called my wife nasty names after finding out, but I thought of her as those bad names. Is that better that I didn't say them, or that I thought about my children maybe hearing me say them. I've been called cold and calculated, but I dont fault those who are more emotionally charged to let a few names go. In my mind its understandable. Not right, but understandable.

 

You ARE cold and calculated. In this whole process you have hurt innocent people. At least two that I know of.

 

If you "thought" those bad names about your wife, why did you remarry her? You have only one life to live. It doesn't matter if you said those names or only thought them. Is this really the kind of life you want? Do you feel good about hurting other people because YOU were hurt?

Edited October 19, 2018 by BeenThereDoneThat17

[brigit87]

I personally never called my wife nasty names after finding out, but I thought of her as those bad names. Is that better that I didn't say them, or that I thought about my children maybe hearing me say them. I've been called cold and calculated, but I dont fault those who are more emotionally charged to let a few names go. In my mind its understandable. Not right, but understandable.

 

Well you're obviously still angry at your wife and really shouldn't be with her anymore.

 

OP, it's good DK posted this stuff. Read how he feels about his wife. He stayed but he is angry. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Living with a man who says he forgives you but really doesn't?

 

OP you messed up your marriage. Fine. So, you'll need to accept that. Maybe one day you'll have a relationship where it works. IDK.