Threat of a breakup over something that happened 3 years ago

[dogmomma22]

Some backstory: My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years and we have been through a lot together. We met in high school (my senior year), dated long distance when I was 9 hours away for a semester, then I transferred back home, and we have been dating long distance with him an hour away ever since then. Last summer we broke up for about 3 months due to arguing and having trouble with long distance, but we have been back together for about a year and things have been going really great.

 

Some of our hardest times occurred while I was away at school - 9 hours away. I wanted to experience being single in college so I told him I wanted to break up when I left for school. We technically were broken up, but we continued to text and talk every day. In this time period both of us had sex with other people (while technically broken up) and that was really difficult for both of us, so we decided to get back together. A few weeks after we were official again, I went out with some friends and we ended up going back to our friend (this guys) room. Eventually everyone else left and my friend (this guy) kept asking me to have sex with him. I had no intention to have sex with him and I kept telling him I had a boyfriend and I didn't want to, but he wouldn't stop so eventually I gave in. It only lasted like maybe 30sec before I really stopped him and went home feeling really embarrassed and confused. Keep in mind this happened about 3 years ago.

 

Fast forward to now, my boyfriend and I are finally in a great spot in our relationship. We broke up last summer due to long distance and fighting, and have had a really slow start getting back together and back to where we were before the breakup.

 

Ever since I kinda had sex with this guy I thought was my friend, I have always been really confused about the situation. I was really nervous because at first I felt like I cheated on my boyfriend, but at the same time I didn't feel like it was totally my fault because I hadn't wanted to have sex with him. I basically just pushed the whole thing to the back of my mind to pretend like it didnt happen and I never told anyone it happened. Since everything has been going on in the media with the Supreme court justice sexual assault stuff, I have been thinking a lot about what happened to me and feel like it was sexual assault. Even though so many women go through stuff 100 times worse than I did. So 2 nights ago my boyfriend and I were drinking and in my bed the topic of sexual assault came up. So I told him this story that happened 3 years ago. I definitely feel bad for not telling him sooner, but it was something I kept in the back of my mind - barely thinking about it. After he processed everything I told him, the next night he sent me a really long text about how he's sorry it happened to me but he's heartbroken that I never told him and that he's lost all his trust in me and he doesnt look at me the same way anymore. I never initially told him because we had just gotten back together after a rough patch and I didnt think we would be able to get through that too. I was selfish. I apologized a ton and told him I was wrong and even though I never told him, it happened so long ago. But he's really really upset and this has potential to be a dealbreaker for him. I told him Im sorry and that I want to give him space to sort through his thoughts and that I want to work things out. But I just don't know what else I can do

[basil67]

To be honest, this doesn't sound like much of a great relationship. Too much distance and fighting. He wants to leave? Then let him go. Put this whole mess behind you and start over with a new guy. Someone who's local and who you get on really well with.

 

I think you may be surprised at how well you manage without him.

[dogmomma22]

Thanks for the response. Our relationship has definitely been tough with distance but since our breakup last summer and he's gone back to school things have been great - I don't think we've really fought at all. Also, I graduate next spring which will finally put an end to the distance because i am going to graduate school at his school for a year and we will graduate together.

 

He hasn't said he wants to leave, but he said he definitely needs time to himself. After our talk about it last night he said he loves me and really hopes we can move past this. I guess Im looking for advice? Im not sure

[basil67]

Thanks for the response. Our relationship has definitely been tough with distance but since our breakup last summer and he's gone back to school things have been great - I don't think we've really fought at all. Also, I graduate next spring which will finally put an end to the distance because i am going to graduate school at his school for a year and we will graduate together.

 

He hasn't said he wants to leave, but he said he definitely needs time to himself. After our talk about it last night he said he loves me and really hopes we can move past this. I guess Im looking for advice? Im not sure

 

I guess that what it comes down to is that a relationship which has to be fought for isn't worth having.

 

If you agree to a break, will you be OK with the time of uncertainty? Or will you likely fall apart with stress and worry?

[dogmomma22]

I guess that what it comes down to is that a relationship which has to be fought for isn't worth having.

 

If you agree to a break, will you be OK with the time of uncertainty? Or will you likely fall apart with stress and worry?

 

I guess I have to respectfully disagree with you that fighting for a relationship isn't worth it. No relationship is perfect, but why be with someone if you're not willing to fight for them. I don't think I've ever talked to anyone in a relationship who hasn't had issues they've had to work through. And although mine has been more difficult than others, somehow we have persisted through so many obstacles and I love him and see us together in my future so I feel like it has been worth it.

 

When we broke up last time I was successful at NC for 8 weeks until he reached out to me and we reconciled. It has been almost a full day without talking which is very uncommon for us but I understand that he needs time to process everything. I wouldn't say I'm doing "well" stress wise but I can manage for a few days if it means it will help our relationship in the end.

[basil67]

When it comes to relationships, yes it's normal to have two people working together to resolve the various issues which will undoubtedly arise. But the security comes from the ability to work together so that messy breaks etc are avoided in the first place. Relationships take time and nurturing and discussion, but they shouldn't be hard work.

 

If you're comfortable giving him a few days, then do that. But if he persists in being unsure or holding this over your head, it's then time to think about the bigger picture.

[guest569]

He hasn't said he wants to leave, but he said he definitely needs time to himself. After our talk about it last night he said he loves me and really hopes we can move past this. I guess Im looking for advice? Im not sure

 

Did he actually say he hopes 'we' can move past this? It seems that it is something that he must move past. Because the past is in the past and there is nothing that you can do to change what happened. I think it is a bit harsh and unsupportive of him to react this way. When reading your story about the 'friend' who pressured you into having sex with him, my first thought was 'that sounds like rape'. That is not a friend at all.

[salparadise]

I had no intention to have sex with him and I kept telling him I had a boyfriend and I didn't want to, but he wouldn't stop so eventually I gave in.

 

Ever since I kinda had sex with this guy I thought was my friend, I have always been really confused about the situation. I was really nervous because at first I felt like I cheated on my boyfriend, but at the same time I didn't feel like it was totally my fault because I hadn't wanted to have sex with him.

 

Since everything has been going on in the media with the Supreme court justice sexual assault stuff, I have been thinking a lot about what happened to me and feel like it was sexual assault.

 

When reading your story about the 'friend' who pressured you into having sex with him, my first thought was 'that sounds like rape'.

 

 

This is why it's important not to let the politically correct nutters change the definition of sexual assault, the presumption of innocence, or the standard of evidence.

 

They want to apply the logic that a woman has no reason to lie, but the man has every reason in that he's trying to avoid consequences.

 

Asking more than once is not assault, nor is the fact that you had regrets later. And then we have other masters of rational thinking piling on and encouraging you to call it rape. You phuket the guy of your own free will, but now want to claim victim status to absolve yourself of responsibility. This is the answer to why a woman might lie about being assaulted.

[Zahara]

OP, when everyone left, why didn’t you leave as well? The moment he started asking for sex, why did you stay?

 

You had every opportunity to get up and leave if the situation was making you uncomfortable. Instead you stayed there and negotiated with him. Why was that even an option? I don’t see it as sexual assault but more so you not having any sort of boundaries and having limited self-control. You were able to jump out of there 30 seconds into it due to guilt, so you were definitely able to remove yourself from the situation the moment he mentioned the word sex.

 

I’ve been in situations where a man has asked for sex. If I say no and he asks me again, I’m gone. Especially if you have a boyfriend, you should have left the moment you knew his intent. Boundaries are important — it’s important to have them and enforce them.

Edited October 11, 2018 by Zahara

[Chassit]

This is why it's important not to let the politically correct nutters change the definition of sexual assault, the presumption of innocence, or the standard of evidence.

 

They want to apply the logic that a woman has no reason to lie, but the man has every reason in that he's trying to avoid consequences.

 

Asking more than once is not assault, nor is the fact that you had regrets later. And then we have other masters of rational thinking piling on and encouraging you to call it rape. You phuket the guy of your own free will, but now want to claim victim status to absolve yourself of responsibility. This is the answer to why a woman might lie about being assaulted.

 

 

 

 

Quoted for truth!

[doyathinkso]

OP, when everyone left, why didn’t you leave as well? The moment he started asking for sex, why did you stay?

 

You had every opportunity to get up and leave if the situation was making you uncomfortable. Instead you stayed there and negotiated with him. Why was that even an option? I don’t see it as sexual assault but more so you not having any sort of boundaries and having limited self-control. You were able to jump out of there 30 seconds into it due to guilt, so you were definitely able to remove yourself from the situation the moment he mentioned the word sex.

 

 

 

Yup. In total agreement.

 

Dogmomma I am afraid you are just rationalizing your excuses after the fact. You knew what you were doing. You did what you did, and truthfully it was way more than 30 seconds wasn't it?

 

Too many people like you these days who want their bread buttered on both sides.

[dogmomma22]

Did he actually say he hopes 'we' can move past this? It seems that it is something that he must move past. Because the past is in the past and there is nothing that you can do to change what happened. I think it is a bit harsh and unsupportive of him to react this way. When reading your story about the 'friend' who pressured you into having sex with him, my first thought was 'that sounds like rape'. That is not a friend at all.

 

Yes he did say that he hopes we can move past this. I guess all I can really do is wait and give him space. I feel a little bit like he is overreacting because it happened so long ago, but he is most upset over that fact that I never trusted him enough to tell him it happened and waited 3 years. I really want to be supportive because I love him and I think we can get past this, but I am really stressed about the small part of him that doesn't think we can. We haven't talked at all the past 2 days so I guess I just want to continue with NC until he feels like he's had enough time to think things through.

 

Also thanks for being considerate about story I told, a lot of the other responses were really negative and I didn't feel like they didn't need to post them if they had nothing kind to say. And we were friends, but obviously not anymore and that's just the best way i could describe him while I was writing that

[HiCrunchy]

 

Also thanks for being considerate about story I told, a lot of the other responses were really negative and I didn't feel like they didn't need to post them if they had nothing kind to say. And we were friends, but obviously not anymore and that's just the best way i could describe him while I was writing that

 

Its not about being negative, it's about offering different perspectives on the matter. It happens on a public forum

[dogmomma22]

Its not about being negative, it's about offering different perspectives on the matter. It happens on a public forum

 

Sure, maybe I worded that wrong. I am open to other perspectives, but some of the things people posted focused a lot on mistakes I've made in the past. I know I did several things wrong and posted on here looking for advice to better my relationship and fix these mistakes. Not to hear about all the alternative things I should've done.

[bathtub-row]

First of all, I don't think the experience you had was sexual assault. Perhaps sexual persistence, but not assault. It was simply you being young and not understanding that you shouldn't have given in, nor should you have stayed once he began making an issue out of having sex. The main point is - had you not given in and he forced you, that would've been assault.

 

All that aside, you not telling your bf about it is a breach of trust. Regardless of the timing, you nearly (or partially) had sex with someone else while you were back with him. The fact that you put a stop to it is commendable but I can see why this bothers him. I think you need to acknowledge to him that you showed poor judgment in many areas of this situation and apologize to him. After that, drop it. Don't keep apologizing or get down on your knees and beg forgiveness. When the two of you are in your 40's, whether you're together or not, you'll understand why this isn't as big of a deal as it seems right now. You're extremely young and your judgment is understandably somewhat flawed.

 

Having said all that, understand too that relationships that start out as young as yours has rarely last and I'm personally opposed to them, for the most part. There are the rare ones who can grow together and all that but most of the time the two people just haven't had enough time to grow up, to get to know themselves, etc. You were smart to insist on having time to yourself while in college but I don't think that was enough. But that's for you to decide. Just don't be surprised if this falls apart. I wish you luck, though. It sounds like the two of you have a close bond but, unfortunately, it's tainted with a lot of drama. I hope you can work it out.

[Chassit]

To me you were sexually assaulted. Period. That "I gave in" was given because he basically convinced you that the easy way out of that scenario was to have sex with him. If I tell a woman "Have sex with me" when she already said no, that's pushing the limits. You basically force the woman to accept.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, No is pretty much it.

[bathtub-row]

I've always thought of the word 'assault' as a VERY strong word. But based on the definition below, I stand corrected.

 

Legal definition of assault. 1 : the crime or tort of threatening or attempting to inflict immediate offensive physical contact or bodily harm that one has the present ability to inflict and that puts the victim in fear of such harm or contact — compare battery.

 

Basically, she was put in fear and she relented based on that fear. Interesting. I never thought of it that way. Sorry - I was wrong about what I said earlier. She was assaulted based on the legal definition.

[SouthernIslander]

I have read this a few times because I was also on the fence about the legal definition too. I still am honestly. IMHO, there is a difference between sleeping with some jerk because I am tired of him nagging me about it vs. sleeping with him out of legitimate fear/intimidation. I'd have to hear more details and both sides of the story before deeming this guy a rapist (which is what would happen in a court of law).

 

Again, based on what OP wrote. If a boyfriend told me this, I would need some time to process this too. The boyfriend hasn't said he wanted to end the relationship and hasn't been mean/shaming about it. So I think she should just give him time.

[dogmomma22]

Thanks for the responses. I know my experience is kind of on the brink of cheating/sexual assault and I still feel really guilty about everything because maybe it wasn't sexual assault. Either way I have apologized to him several times when we discussed it. He told me he needs time and we haven't spoken in about 3 days, which I am more than willing to give him as much time as he needs. This weekend I was planning on visiting him at school because he's in a fraternity and has his formal party. We haven't talked about me not going anymore, but I'm assuming I'm not going unless he reaches out to me about it. Is this the best idea? I don't want to intrude on his need for space so I don't want to text him. One thing I am really nervous about is that he would bring another girl to their party tonight. I think theres a good chance he wouldn't, but if he does do I have the right to be upset? One other question is does anyone have an idea how long it will take him to reach back out? Maybe a week? I'm sorry I'm all over the place, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this whole situation and it just helps to read people's responses and get different perspectives I guess.

[bathtub-row]

Unless you guys have officially broken up, then no he shouldn’t date anyone else. He might do that out of spite but that doesn’t make it right.

 

If I were you, I’d call or text him about the party. Those things are a pretty big deal and if he expects you to be there and you don’t show up, that’s just one more thing for him to get pissed off about. Just say that, based on what he said to you, you assume the weekend plans are off. Ask him if that’s the case or not. He needs to respond. If he doesn’t, then he’s just being jerky about it. However, at least you brought it up so that there’s no misunderstanding. If he doesn’t reply, then don’t go.

 

Also, I’d suggest that you stop apologizing over and over. It only makes you look guilty and probably makes him feel that he can beat you up some more about this. You apologized. Enough. He either needs to get over it, or not.

[doyathinkso]

Oh, so, well, if he shows up with another chick, hey it's not any different than anything you have admitted to doing.

 

And if he bangs her, well, I guess you're even then, right?

[bathtub-row]

DG22 - what did you end up doing about the party? Have you talked to him?

[guest569]

DG22 - what did you end up doing about the party? Have you talked to him?

 

Yes, would be interested to hear an update. Hope youre doing OK.

[dogmomma22]

DG22 - what did you end up doing about the party? Have you talked to him?

 

So the party was on Friday and he goes to school an hour away. I decided not to reach out to him because I think we both assumed that I wasn't and I still have not heard from him - today makes day 5. I have a few friends that go to school with him and are dating his friends so they were nice enough to send me some updates on him.

 

Thankfully he didn't take anyone else to the party and he stayed in both Friday and Saturday night which is super unlike him. I don't think he's been telling any of his friends the details of our no contact (based on what my friends told me) because I asked him not to tell anyone about my experience. And I appreciated knowing that. They also said that he seemed really down all weekend which makes me feel bad, but I'm definitely feeling the same way.

 

So as of now we haven't spoken but I'm hoping that he will reach out once it has been a week of NC. I understand his feelings and if I'm being totally honest I think it's unreasonable to end our relationship over this because it happened so long ago and our relationship has been going so amazing the past year. But obviously it is his decision so when I hear back from him I will post more updates

[bathtub-row]

Thanks for the update. Well, it sounds like he’s thinking things over and is deeply impacted by what has happened. I know you think it would be silly to end things over something that happened so long ago but, from his perspective, he’s been lied to for 3 years.

 

I hope things work out. Keep giving him his space. I’m sure he’ll be in touch.