Blind-sided Agenda

[UnwantedProvider]

My wife of 12+ years, in the relationship for 16+ years, told me on Sunday, September 23rd that she “loves me, but she is not in love with me anymore.” When she told me, I was completely blindsided. The reasons she stated, were that I have been “distant, difficult to communicate with, lacked affection for her, angry all the time, lack of common interests, I’ve taken her for granted and that I have become comfortable within the relationship.” She said that she has felt this way for a few years. I can’t believe that I was completely oblivious to the way that she felt, she never showed any signs of this. I apologized for making her feel this way. I told her that this is not how I feel. I know that there are things that I could work on and that I am willing to. She responded by stating that, “it’s too little, too late!” She wants a separation and the ability to have “fun” and pursue her own “happiness!” Once again I informed her that I never thought that our relationship was to this state, and thought that our relationship was improving. I mean I had just relocated to a new location within work, that should not require me to be at work as much and should help out financially as well. We had made other decisions since the beginning of the year that seemed to help out the relationship as well. But I was completely fooled.

 

During the conversation, she stated that she wanted us to remain friends and on a good level, because we have two kids, 11 & 10. And she said who knows, after she finds herself, she may want to get back together. But she doesn’t know if that would be a month from now, 6 months or years from now. She wants me to find what makes me happy, wants me to go have fun. She wants me to find someone who would be willing to give me more kids. I told her, that I love her and only her. I want to be with her.

 

On Monday, the 24th I had to fly out for a work trip and to be expected I could not think of anything other than my wife and our relationship. During the trip, we had a conversation and she told me to “get drunk, hang out with my co-workers and forget about the relationship for now. Go have fun, do what makes you happy, go to the strip club, do whatever, do whomever!” I was absolutely disgusted with this commented. This is not my wife, she has never spoken like this and furthermore, she is absolutely disgusted by strip clubs and prefers that we only drink when we are together.

 

So during the entire work trip, I had a difficult time concentrating on anything and everything. I come back on the Thursday, and I find out that she is leaving our 11y/o daughter home alone (10y/o son had an after-school activity), she would pick up the son, so she can go pay a bill and have some alone time. Well, when she wants to have alone time, she likes to walk and play Pokémon Go. I know of the usual spots she goes to and she met up with another guy, which she at least hugged before she left. Then went and picked up our son and went home. We talked that night and I didn’t state anything about what I saw. She told me that she’s tired of trying to work on the relationship and that she just wants it to stop. She believes that there’s too much pressure when you’re in a marriage. I told her her that I’m sorry that I make you feel like there’s too much pressure, whatever I have done I ensure you it has not been on purpose. Let alone I don’t know exactly what I have done.

 

So we move forward to Friday/Saturday. On Friday I asked her if she would be willing to try counseling to see if it would help. She told me that she does not want to as she does not think it will help anything. Moving into Saturday morning we had another discussion and she said that she is just fine with the relationship and she wants to move on. Counseling gmwill not work because she doesn’t want to try working on the relationship and she believes the relationship is too far gone. She said that she will start looking into filing for divorce. So at that point she wanted us to tell the kids, which we did and they were devastated.

 

Later on Saturday, she texts me that she is willing to try counseling, if that is what I want. But she doesn’t want me to think it will fix everything, because it may make things worse! I would like to know how can counseling make things worse? The only thing I can think of is if that’s where she wants to tell me that she has feelings for someone else and she has slept with them.

 

So on Tuesday, October 2nd, she provides me with a list of counselors that her insurance has contracts with. She wants me to setup the counseling sessions and she out restrictions on when it can happen, Wednesday/Thursday at 3pm or later so she is off work. She says the other days she has too much going on so those are the best days for her. I typically have Wednesday’s off so I try for Wednesday’s. So we are currently scheduled for Thursday, October 25th for counseling.

 

On Thursday the 4th, I go to look up something on our iPad, and there is a page open for sports apparel. The only person who gets sports apparel purchased for them is myself. My wife will buy me something usually for my birthday or Xmas. Well, my birthday is later this month, so I’m curious as to when this was looked up. So I check the browser history and I see 3 web searches do “ PlanB.” One being an actually PlanB website and too others looking at the effects of the morning after pill. So this sends my kind spiraling out of control. I decide to look at our phone bill and see on the Tuesday that I was gone on my work trip, she called the pharmacy twice about an hour apart. And after each call, I received a text stating, I’m really sorry. Followed by, I’m just trying to be honest with you (these were after the first call). Then after the second call, I just don’t want you to hate me. I try to go to work, I leave early because I cannot focus on anything. We are suppose to have dinner, as it’s our sons birthday the next day and they are going out of town for an event. So I text her asking if she needs anything in my way home. She tells me no, and that the kids are home, she’ll be home in 30-45 minutes. Well this has me curious as to what she’s doing and so I go to one of her spots that she try’s to clear her head and I find her in a car with another guy. She sees me and gets out of the car about 30 seconds later, the car leaves and she drives off herself. She heads directly home. I meet her at the house and we go to have another discussion. She wants to know why I was there and how I knew she as there. I ask why she’s in someone else’s car. She says he’s just a friend, and they were carpooling for Pokémon. So then I ask her about PlanB. She asks me what is it, and then tells me that she was looking it up for a friend. She’s not willing to tell me what friend but for a friend. Well, why can’t the friend look it up themselves? Needless to say, I don’t believe what my wife is telling me. This whole time since she has told me that she wants her space and wants a separation I’ve felt that she has not told me the whole truth about anything. I still love my wife even with any and all faults that she may have. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t believe that I can last emotionally until the 25th, I just do t know what to do. I’ve offered for us to have a date night, just her and I, have someone watch the kids. But if she does admit to something with this guy, I don’t know if I can ever come back from that!

 

At this point I don’t understand why I feel so miserable if I believe that she has stepped out on me. I know that I still love her, but can I ever truly trust her again???

[Agent1]

I don't know what to say other than I am sorry. She is CLEARLY having a full affair. Plan B...Seen in cars with a guy... wants you to "do whomever you want"...

[Bigboss2903]

Yo Man, I have been through that situation, I'm going to be honest with you, This battle is already being lost, she is neck deep in her affair. how do I know this? Ex wife did exactly the same thing in which she chose her AP over our marriage...

 

 

Its a possibility you can win her back but its very slim only she can make that decision... Also, if you do win her back the mere fact she was lying to you is a death blow to your marriage...

 

 

 

Brace you yourself, its a rocky road ahead.... Get some family and close friends to support you...

[Mr. Lucky]

During the conversation, she stated that she wanted us to remain friends and on a good level, because we have two kids, 11 & 10.

 

It's been true on here so often it's almost a cliche - unless you're an abuser, addict or asexual, women with young children rarely exit marriage without a place to go. So she's not looking for happiness, in her mind she thinks she's found it in Mr. Pokemon. While you've been distracted, he's been paying close attention to what she wants. And so they're both several steps ahead of you.

 

UnwantedProvider, you're wife is having an affair and wants separation so she have unrestricted access to this new guy. Any moves you make from here should be with this fact in mind. You'll get advice here from those who've already been down this road and you'll avoid much unnecessary heartbreak if you pay attention.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

She's neck deep in an affair. Being in denial of what's going on will get you nothing.

 

Find out who he is and expose. He's probably married.

 

Talking will get you nothing. Action is all that counts.

 

Being paralyzed with fear will get you more of what you're getting.

 

Cheaters lie a lot. "We're just friends" is the biggest lie told.

 

Better wake up quick. His number will probably be on your phone bill.

[notbroken]

Just no doubt she is cheating and in 'a fog'. Don't play the 'pick me' game. It won't work in your favor. Tell her 'straight up' that you know she is cheating - and she has lied so much it has changed her character and she is so used to it that you no longer can believe her, it won't go well for her/the guy, she will likely not end up with "Mr Wonderful" once she is 'free' because the guy is the kind of guy that would chase a married woman and not worthy of her and she will soon realize it, she is living a fantasy and single motherhood won't be easy on anyone, and that YOU are filing ASAP if she doesn't lay out all the cards and do what is right for her family. You are going to publicize to the world what happened. Tell her she has 24 hours to decide. Then be scarce for 24 hours. If she isn't honest and doesn't beg for forgiveness then follow through. Honestly, you should probably follow through anyway. Sorry for your situation. BTDT.

[norudder]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was a ww and recognize the behavior that is so typical. Especially reading story after story on here. Selfish. Cowardly. Deceitful. My behavior was so disgusting in hindsight. She's cheating.

 

It doesn't sound like she has any legitimate issues with the marriage, not that that would be any justification, only that it's what she'd try to use as a smokescreen. "Love you not on love with you", ",find myself", "happiness", all bu**$**t and signs of someone who doesn't get the reality of what commitment to a relationship means at a deeper level and can't communicate authentically. With you and maybe worse, with themselves.

 

Don't expect to get the truth from her. Not anytime soon if ever.

Up to you what kind of relationship you want moving forward and whether you can have it with her or not and settle or not.

 

The guys who have been in your shoes and are commenting are giving good advice. It's not what I would've wanted to hear or deal with when I was in the affair, but it would've been the right thing for my (now ex) H to do.

 

She needs to confront reality. Unfortunately that means you do too. She won't change anything on her own otherwise.

 

No matter what way you go forward it's a long crappy road she put you on. Take care of yourself and your kids.

[S2B]

Wait... she's ditching your kids safety to see other men and OBVIOUSLY cheating and you ask her to go out on a date?

 

Man, get yourself together and file for divorce!

 

She's checked out long ago. You need to protect your assets and children from this woman who has planned to ruin everything about your life.

 

Get busy taking charge of the mess she has created!

[GinON]

Sorry man, I gotta agree with everyone else, I like saving marriages, but these aren't red flags, they are hot pokers stabbing you in the face.

 

She has to come clean, and fight to get the relationship back if you really want this to be a family and be together with your kids but i am not sure its a good idea. If that is what you want I think you'll need a lawyer, serve her, move out and protect your assets. If she comes crying back, take it really slow, get counseling and be careful. Require STD tests every six months, and make it clear that you are not risking your health and your kids health. If she is pregnant, make sure you are not responsible for caring for that kid.

 

After 6 months living away from her, using a court/lawyer to agree on the terms first, decide if she is worth it to you, not the other way around.

 

good luck, and keep in mind I am new to this as well, grains of salt!

[vla1120]

I agree with what others are saying. See a lawyer. Don't move out of the house. Make her move out, if she wants to be separated. Confront her on the affair. She's making plays from the classic cheater's playbook. Also, did I understand that she is leaving your children home alone to go meet this OM? I have an opinion about that. I keep backspacing over it because it's not pleasant. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Take care of yourself and your children.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Unwanted, have started thinking about what you want to do? You have received very good advice from folks on here and if you are swift and decisive in the actions you take after making out a plan you will completely sabotage her plans to pull wool over your eyes. Just hold your emotions in and work with your rational brain to get to where you want to go. Best wishes.

[Chassit]

Too emotionally distraught to really give you any advice. But you aren't alone in this. Good luck, I am sorry you have been betrayed.

[WorstFeelingEver]

Unwanted----sorry you are here. You need to listen to everyone here, as we are standing on the outside, looking into your marriage / current situation.

 

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago with my ex wife. All these guys told me the same thing, as they are telling you___and they were right all along.

 

Reading halfway thru your post, I was thinking your wife is definitely in an emotional affair____then I saw how you found on internet history "Plan B__morning after pill" &, now I change my mind to____Your wife is in a full physical affair.

 

With everything you posted, things she had said to you, especially when traveling, "to do WHOMEVER"??_____You have hard evidence of finding on internet history of "Plan B", morning after pill, etc.., evidence seeing her in another guy's car!!! What married woman does that with another man???

 

Let me ask you a question______What kind of mother leaves her 10yr old & 11yr old at home alone?? What if one of your kids was choking on something they were eating? Do you think the other child would know what to do?

 

Man, if HUGE red flags are not hitting you in the face, IDK what will. File for Divorce & have her served. This WILL wake her up from her fantasy. Just because you file, does not mean you have to go through with it, maybe she will wake up, choose MC with you & hopefully, you can reconcile before the final decree.

 

Man, this is bringing back too much of what I went through, I am starting to get emotional______I am sad, spouses do this to one another. Marriage in today's world is not worth it.

 

Most average households, now take 2 people to work. Unless the wife works in an all female office, medical facility, OB/GYN hospital floor, woman will interact with all kinds of men now, especially, with social media and cell phones. It is very easy now, for opposite sexes to communicate at work, then turns to flirting, the next thing you know, they are exchanging cell #'s to keep in contact with each other......Next thing you know, the Betrayed spouse is here, telling their story.

 

Unwanted, you did not do anything to cause this. his is not your fault! Your wife chose to do this to her husband & family....really, even the kids__leaving them at home alone to see AP????

[Rotn'roses]

If you dont like the kids being left at home alone, may I suggest paying child support so that she can leave when she needs or wants to and can afford to pay for a sitter or caregiver. Your situation is not ideal but she stated what she needs or wants in the relationship. It may not be right or fair toyou or the family, but at least let someone who brought you happiness have the means to be able to go find her own without giving her grief when it takes two people to care for their children. It seems she was always fair to you financially. Supporting a kid on your own is hard work, especially when the other partner does not help provide the finances to keepthe kids safely supervised. It should not matter why they need the extra support for asitter, it should be a demand and priority for two parents to always share that burden no matter what the reason. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are basic civil rights. My sons dad has refused, for 11 years to provide me with adime to help support the supervision of our son strictly because he can get away with infringing on my civil rights to try and have the happiest, best life filled with love that I can have and deserve if I workedfor it and am adecent woman and mother. Shame on anyone who doesnt offer to pay half for their kids supervision, no matter the time of day or situation. The blame is more on you at that point. The least the other parent should be forced to do if they obviously dont want to do it, is set up funds in an account by both people for daycare for kids when either responsible parent needs it. How any parent would not offer half those expenses willingly, cheating spouse, ex baby momma or whatever is beyond me? I feel my sons dad is the worse parent in that case and anyone with real wisdom would say the same. If you love your child or children, you would want to see them safe that way no matterhow much or how little you could offer to helpoutwith that. Shame on anyone who says otherwise. You are twice as guilty in my eyes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rotn'Roses, exactly how does your post apply to the OP? I think you need to start another thread if you want to vent about your ex husband and spouses in general who do not undertake to be responsible for their fair share of the burden of child support. Your points may be valid in themselves but do not have a bearing on the OP's case. Best wishes.

[Robert]

Seems this one was a drive by, closed unless the thread starter comes back, if they would like it re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so.

 

Thanks all...

Edited October 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Thread reopened for starter update per report ~W

[UnwantedProvider]

First, I want to thank everyone for their input. I appreciate the time that each of you have taken to read my post and provided comments.

 

***UPDATE***

 

As of right now, my wife has told me that we are SEPARATED and the we are free to do what we makes us happy and do whomever we want. We are able to do whatever we want without any guilt and/or grief from the other. She wants this time to be able to find yourself and clear her head. She says that she is still willing to give counseling a try, but she does not think it will work.

 

At this point, I feel lost on what I should do. I know that she’s probably lost forever to me, but I do still love her. As many have told me, the trust is gone forever and I need to deal with that. I just wish that since she had the courage/fear to tell me that she wants a separation/divorce that she would give me the same courtesy with being honest about what and why this has happened. At this point, that is what I’d like to know!

[Mr. Lucky]

I just wish that since she had the courage/fear to tell me that she wants a separation/divorce that she would give me the same courtesy with being honest about what and why this has happened. At this point, that is what I’d like to know!

 

UnwantedProvider, the truth is you'll never know why she was unfaithful. And that part will become less important over time.

 

The "what" part is pretty clear. Despite her general protestations about "whomever", she has plans with a particular individual. Stop thinking of her as the person you previously knew, that ship has sailed. As long as she's involved in the affair, any and all of the previous promises and commitments you think she made to you are gone.

 

Time my friend to see a lawyer and begin to consider future options. Doesn't mean you're divorcing, it simply means you're preparing for uncertain times for you and your kids...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rotn'roses]

Perhaps you are correct. I would like to submit an apology for MY badmouthing of my past experiences on this thread. It was very distateful of me to do so here. I did feel something amiss and I was responding to the underlying truth of this post. Yes, I agree, it was shameful for me to impart a vulgar message in response. I apologize.

[Agent1]

Wait - are you saying he needs to pay child support so she can leave whenever she wants to? AKA find her affair. This is just delusional thinking. Maybe she shouldn’t be sneaking around having an affair in the first place. You do that to your family, you don’t get the benefits any longer. Your post is very offensive to people who have been victims of affairs and you sound super bitter.

 

 

 

 

If you dont like the kids being left at home alone' date=' may I suggest paying child support so that she can leave when she needs or wants to and can afford to pay for a sitter or caregiver. Your situation is not ideal but she stated what she needs or wants in the relationship. It may not be right or fair toyou or the family, but at least let someone who brought you happiness have the means to be able to go find her own without giving her grief when it takes two people to care for their children. It seems she was always fair to you financially. Supporting a kid on your own is hard work, especially when the other partner does not help provide the finances to keepthe kids safely supervised. It should not matter why they need the extra support for asitter, it should be a demand and priority for two parents to always share that burden no matter what the reason. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are basic civil rights. My sons dad has refused, for 11 years to provide me with adime to help support the supervision of our son strictly because he can get away with infringing on my civil rights to try and have the happiest, best life filled with love that I can have and deserve if I workedfor it and am adecent woman and mother. Shame on anyone who doesnt offer to pay half for their kids supervision, no matter the time of day or situation. The blame is more on you at that point. The least the other parent should be forced to do if they obviously dont want to do it, is set up funds in an account by both people for daycare for kids when either responsible parent needs it. How any parent would not offer half those expenses willingly, cheating spouse, ex baby momma or whatever is beyond me? I feel my sons dad is the worse parent in that case and anyone with real wisdom would say the same. If you love your child or children, you would want to see them safe that way no matterhow much or how little you could offer to helpoutwith that. Shame on anyone who says otherwise. You are twice as guilty in my eyes.[/quote']

[S2B]

First, I want to thank everyone for their input. I appreciate the time that each of you have taken to read my post and provided comments.

 

***UPDATE***

 

As of right now, my wife has told me that we are SEPARATED and the we are free to do what we makes us happy and do whomever we want. We are able to do whatever we want without any guilt and/or grief from the other. She wants this time to be able to find yourself and clear her head. She says that she is still willing to give counseling a try, but she does not think it will work.

 

At this point, I feel lost on what I should do. I know that she’s probably lost forever to me, but I do still love her. As many have told me, the trust is gone forever and I need to deal with that. I just wish that since she had the courage/fear to tell me that she wants a separation/divorce that she would give me the same courtesy with being honest about what and why this has happened. At this point, that is what I’d like to know!

 

Lost? File for divorce - that's what you do.

 

She is in a full on affair.

 

Move money into your name only/all assets. If you don't - she will take everything.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Unwanted, I suggested before that you should think rationally and NOT with your emotions as your wife is already down the freeway. You are on your own. You are NOT separated, you are already divorced you just don't know it or have not received the court orders. Your wife is test driving another guy and that is reason she is telling you to go do whomever you want whenever you want, the idea being that you will then be on the same level as her and can not claim any moral high ground.

 

Mr. Lucky is absolutely right and I would go one step further and urge you to file for divorce and have her served. That will give her the dose of reality for her actions that she has conveniently ignored till now. When she gets served she may just wake up from her slumber that she is in dreaming sweet dreams and wake up to the reality that her life as she knew it till now is about to implode. She may then come back to you and display remorse or she may waltz off into the sunset with her new beau. Either way you will know how your cards stack up. Take back control of your life and start calling the shots. That is the only way that you will get out of this with your head held high. Best wishes.

[UnwantedProvider]

So, I’ve a meeting scheduled with a lawyer to go over my options and how to have everything play out. As of right now, I am one week away from our first Marriage Counseling session, and to be honest, I just want her to have the common decency to tell me the truth. The marriage counseling May provide nothing, but at least I would’ve provided her every avenue to come clean. As of now, being able to converse with others, I do believe that the decision in this relationship has already been made. I am not saying that I am at peace with what the outcome will be, but do believe I can finally accept it.

 

Over the past week, I have been trying to communicate with her, about her nonetheless. Asking her how her day was, what did she do, what as the best part of her day and so forth. All I kept getting was 1-3 word answers, and the sense that she had no care in the world to be talking to me. Then a few nights ago, after I went through about 8-10 questions on her day, there was a period of silence and then she asked me about my day for the first time in months. As I typically do, I became a little over zealous within this regard and wanted even more dialog. Later that night, a friend was over and she spoke to the said friend for nearly an hour and half straight. I was in the same room, and she never looked my way, acknowledged that I was there or even tried to include me in the conversation. When they would have a break from there conversation I would try to start talking to her and all I got was, I talked to you earlier, that should’ve been enough. A quick 5-10 minute conversation should be enough for me, when I see her talking to someone else an hour and half?

 

Let alone, the night prior she went to bed early, and over an hour had gone by, I went to use the restroom and I could see that her phone was on, but she was trying to guard that her phone wasn’t on and act asleep. Then I went to wake her up and she acted startled that I woke her and I told her that her phone was on, and she started to get all defensive saying that it wasn’t. I told her that I could see the light in from under the blanket and she sees and then states she didn’t know it was on. 10-15 minutes go by and I got asked to give a friend a ride home. So I went to get my shoes on and she was on her phone again but this time she was trying to get her phone out away so I wouldn’t see. I asked if there was anything that I need to be made aware of, and she said that she was just reading Facebook because she couldn’t sleep. Why would she need to hide her phone if she was just in Facebook? Obviously, there’s something that she is hiding, and I just don’t want to put up with the games anymore. I just want her to tell me the truth, that way it will be easier to move on.

 

To all of those that have provided the advice and encouragement of how I should proceed, I am truly thankful that you cared and took the time to chime in on my current dilemma. I cannot express my gratitude enough. I am just ready for this period of time to done and over with. I need the opportunity to move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want her to tell me the truth, that way it will be easier to move on.

 

Again UnwantedProvider, you have to let go of these expectations. If she doesn't feel she owes you fidelity, respect, love or commitment, why would she think she owes you the truth ?

 

Think of her as a candidate in an election. Her ability to achieve her goals depends on portraying you a certain way (uncaring, unworthy, undeserving) and managing the information flow. None of that has anything to do with the "truth".

 

Go to counseling with zero expectations and an open, neutral approach. Listen more than you speak. Avoid blaming or name calling but be honest with your thoughts.

 

And continue to prepare yourself legally for the most likely outcome. Your wife obviously has a plan in mind, so should you.

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GinON]

So, I’ve a meeting scheduled with a lawyer to go over my options and how to have everything play out. As of right now, I am one week away from our first Marriage Counseling session, and to be honest, I just want her to have the common decency to tell me the truth. The marriage counseling May provide nothing, but at least I would’ve provided her every avenue to come clean. As of now, being able to converse with others, I do believe that the decision in this relationship has already been made. I am not saying that I am at peace with what the outcome will be, but do believe I can finally accept it.

 

Over the past week, I have been trying to communicate with her, about her nonetheless. Asking her how her day was, what did she do, what as the best part of her day and so forth. All I kept getting was 1-3 word answers, and the sense that she had no care in the world to be talking to me. Then a few nights ago, after I went through about 8-10 questions on her day, there was a period of silence and then she asked me about my day for the first time in months. As I typically do, I became a little over zealous within this regard and wanted even more dialog. Later that night, a friend was over and she spoke to the said friend for nearly an hour and half straight. I was in the same room, and she never looked my way, acknowledged that I was there or even tried to include me in the conversation. When they would have a break from there conversation I would try to start talking to her and all I got was, I talked to you earlier, that should’ve been enough. A quick 5-10 minute conversation should be enough for me, when I see her talking to someone else an hour and half?

 

Let alone, the night prior she went to bed early, and over an hour had gone by, I went to use the restroom and I could see that her phone was on, but she was trying to guard that her phone wasn’t on and act asleep. Then I went to wake her up and she acted startled that I woke her and I told her that her phone was on, and she started to get all defensive saying that it wasn’t. I told her that I could see the light in from under the blanket and she sees and then states she didn’t know it was on. 10-15 minutes go by and I got asked to give a friend a ride home. So I went to get my shoes on and she was on her phone again but this time she was trying to get her phone out away so I wouldn’t see...

 

 

 

I would say to listen to your instincts about thinking you are overzealous. Asking your questions is OK, but just a few and only if she seems like she wants to and only if you are using compassion in listening to her. If she asks how you are doing, just say your doing well and looking forward to tomorrow (for whatever you have planned or the next project at work) be confident in your goals in life and if she asks for more details, great. If not just Shhh! She doesnt care and thats OK right now.

 

Focus on your own growth and priorities, so you dont spend all your time focused on getting her to fill your cup. The if she is done, and leaves, you'll have something worth spending your time on you'll need it! If she comes back in a few months time, you are awesome either way!

 

Oh my! Who cares if she goes to bed and looks at her phone, or why. You are trying to control her and want her to meet your expectations. This sounds needy, clingy and like you are not in control of your emotions. If she has a man, your gonna find out soon enough, just pull your head out of the adhesive pile of fear you've stuck it in and force yourself to think about your own life for a minute. (I know that is hard, my head was firmly glued to the fear glue trap for a long time! ) By attacking her on this you are forcing her to run away harder and faster. That (most likely) other man is looking so much better than you when you do this.

 

Rather that give a crap about what she is doing in the evening, think about what you are doing! Go for a jog, to a local bar, fix an old car in the garage, go hang out with a friend, play squash at the YMCA, go to a boxing gym(my fav). Take your kids bowling... Anything but sit around moping in the house, watching her every move.

 

This next paragraph is going to sound mean, but I think its true, it was for me.

You dont see it but you are acting like a little kid who's dad wont play catch with him in the back yard and your gonna force him to with guilt. That kind of emotional control might have worked with your parents who give unconditional love, but it won't work now. We are not entitled to our partner's affection or love, we have to earn it. Ask yourself if attacking someone like that is earning love or rejection.

 

If you are going to approach her at all, approach with deep compassion for how she feels, which is attractive. Leave the unattractive fear and aggravation somewhere else, no one wants to be around that. When you go to MC, just listen, agree with what you hear, do not argue with your wife, it doesn't work, its not about being right today, its about her being heard and believed.

 

You almost had her a little bit by asking her about her. You can do that again but be happy with tiny good things like her answering at all. It will take 5000 tiny good things to make up for 5 bad things right now. I find that if I can surprise my wife by asking about her feelings and reflecting them back without me being involved, I get to soak up the enjoymnet of being with her with no expectations. I get NOTHING from it other than making her feel good about her needs. Maybe one day, she will ask me how I am doing again. One step at a time, no other way.